Not Cool

not-cool-film-poster

It’s also Not Funny, not Entertaining and Not Tolerable.

(Even on the Poster Joel is creepy as all hell!)

Not Cool is owned by The Chair and like 50 other companies.

Hello, Spongey here.

In 2012, I reviewed Fred The Movie, a terrible movie based on a YouTuber. In 2016, I reviewed Smosh the Movie, a bad movie based on a YouTuber. And now I must complete the crappy YouTuber movie trilogy.

Well, okay there may be more but those are the most well known ones. Maybe if more exist/come out I”ll take a crack but we’ll see. This came as a request from the same guy who previously asked for Smosh.

He even said he wanted me to complete the trilogy. Yes, requests can still happen, I I just need to watch the film to see if it gives me enough to work with. If not, I’ll still gives my quick thoughts on DA. So keep that in mind.

Thankfully, this gives me a lot to talk about, far more than I thought. But oddly enough, I don’t have much to say about the YouTuber in question, Shane Dawson. Because I haven’t seen any of his work or know anything about it.

From what I can gather, he’s of the same breed as Smosh. So kind of annoying but mostly harmless and has his moments. Perfect choice for a movie, right? This one is very different though.

For one, Shane actually directed and edited it. Meaning the blame goes more on the YouTuber this time. Especially when I reveal the next big fact. This film was made for a Starz Reality Tv Show called The Chair where Shane and some other person were given the same shooting script to make their own film.

The other was Holidaysburg. The interesting thing is that while this one won, the other was by far the better received film. Even most of the crew of that show liked it better, including Zachary Quinto (Yes, the one you’re thinking of) who called this one “ultimately a vapid waste of time,”.

Yeah. Starz didn’t reveal the actual vote count, by the way. Shane naturally responded well to the reactions:

“… People are out of touch with what teenagers are interested in. I wasn’t making a movie for middle-aged people writing about TV.”

…He’s not wrong, Teens are more interested in shit like this rather than real movies, however he basically insulted real movies so there you go. I can’t hate him on too much given hey, most YouTubers like him don’t get to call the shots.

After watching this, I watched Holidaysburg because I was really curious to see if that one was better, given it had the same shooting script. And in the review, I will compare the two as their approaches are…rather different, to say the least.

I’ll give my thoughts on that one on it’s own at the end, and I will make the comparisons a tad sparingly and only do when I need to say, as there’s plenty to say about the film on it’s own. Although honestly, the backstory behind the movie and how it compares to the other one, is far more interesting than the film itself.

It shows how important a director’s stamp is. I mean, all you need to do is look at the posters to know how different they are. This looks like the crappy comedy it is, and Holidaysburg looks like an arthouse film.

But enough screwing around. We need to dive in and see why once again, YouTubers getting their own movies isn’t always the best idea and along the way we’ll see what a real movie is like vs an atrocity. Should be fun!

Also, the writer of that script has done nothing of note, so we can jump in. How will it compare to the other YouTube movies? :Let’s find out.

This, is Not Cool

It doesn’t take long to figure out what kind of movie this is, as it opens at a party with a close up of a female’s butt being the first shot. Yep. And people are texting with us seeing the texts in little bubbles. To be fair, Holidaysburg did that too but to a less annoying degree.

We meet our main character here…Tori. Oh, you thought it would be Shane Dawson starring in then Shane Dawson movie? Well, okay both films have her as the lead so I assume the script had it that way so I guess having him be the other main guy was better than putting him in a wig. Not that they are above that but we’ll get there.

High School fucking sucked”

Tori is a bit of an outcast, having been nicknamed Tori the Whori even though she says that name was meant to be ironic. She’s our snarky lead who gives us snarky narration here. I will say she is easily the best part of the movie with her quips but her shtick gets old very quickly.

Although her actress is the most competent one in here. She’s actually the 2nd most well known person, having a fair amount of credits…mostly in Anime, oddly enough.

Then someone throws up on her which summons the title. That make sense, throw up does make me think of this movie.

Tori is home for Thanksgiving break (now I’m pining for time traveling turkeys) and we flash back to her meeting up with her parents, which she is not happy with.

Want to trade lives?”

I’d rather eat my own shit”

That’s kind of funny….then they ruin it by revealing he indeed eats his own shit. Lovely. It’s here where we meet Shane Dawson as Scott, as he meets with his incredibly obnoxious girlfriend. Seriously, she screams every damn line and it’s not pleasant to the ears.

Then again, almost every actor in this is trying to be as annoying as possible. Then they start doing it in a public bathroom which yes, the girlfriend wanted.

not cool.png

.We’re not even 5 minutes in.

She starts…blowing but in the middle of it, she breaks down crying. No, she didn’t realize what movie she is in. She’s breaking up with him. …Those are some mixed signals if I’ve ever seen one. She went from GIMME YOUR DICK to FUCK OFF in like a second.

Oddly enough, Holidaysburg opens with a version of a scene. Except there, the sex is attempted at home and the girl is actually normal and seems very unenthusiastic which means it’s not too shocking when she breaks it off. It’s the same idea, just in a subdued way that makes more sense.

Yes, how they handle this sums up both movies pretty well.

We move to the high school to meet our next character, this geeky dude named Joel who you will hate pretty quickly He’s visiting his old stomping grounds and not much happens in this scene except that he mentions having a Tumblr about his adventures or as he calls them….#Assventures.

Dot dot dot.

Back with Scott, we find out his Dad is closing his store but that plot lines goes nowhere so we’ll skip it. I will point to a part where he says he met a girl named Anastasia.

With a name like that, she’s either a Disney Princess or a total slut”

I think you mean Don Bluth Princess.

Tori is talking to her gay best friend, because this is the kind of movie that hates everyone. He suggests doing a thing and she says it would be like taking a shit and shoving it back up your butt. Which is kind of like how I decided to review this in detail after watching it once.

Then someone has what Netflix calls a loud wet fart. Sorry, but nothing can beat LOUD DEFECATION. Oh, and they linger on the aftermath because life is unfair.

She goes to a party which brings us back to the start. In Media Res is kind of pointless when we get back to it this quickly. Joel is her main friend and I have no idea. They have nothing in common, and he’s a creeper. Seriously, he’s obsessed with this one girl and oh boy, we’ll have fun getting into that as we go.

I mean, she doesn’t seem to know him amazingly well, yet he can say facts about her on the fly.

When is her birthday?”

January 16th, 1996”

…Shit, I’m older than her?

He doesn’t know Tori’s birthday.

I fucking hate you”

Why are they friends? And yes, everything he does in regards to Janie (who is Scott’s sister which has no bearing on anything) is very creepy and sometimes stalker-ish. Which means they will end up together….sort of, we’ll get to that.

Then he pretends to…eat out a pussy in a gag that goes for like half a minute. We’re only 13 minutes in and I’ve already run  out of ways to react to this movies humor.

At this party, we see a minor character who is clearly a man in a dress and said character is used for more shitty sex jokes, but he is treated as if he is an actual woman. It’s not funny in the slightest and “she’ has no bearing on anything. At all.

It’s just another example of the incredibly mature humor this thing has.

Holy Zachary Quinto’s Eyebrows”

Har har, he’s a producer on The Chair. Although oddly he’s one on Holidaysburg but not this. Hmmm…

Janie spills something on her and in trying to help her clean it, he clearly attempts to cop a feel. He’s not quite our main hero but still, a hero ladies and gentlemen! He then watches her as she cleans herself up.

Not creepy at all”

See this is when you tell him to fuck off but of course no one does the logical thing. He hears she isn’t doing too well in school and offers to help her. Yes, he is clearly doing this to get with her like the scamp is.

At this point, you may be wondering why this guy has had more screentime than Shane Dawson so far. Well, Scott does start getting more focus soon at least, but Joel gets this big subplot to himself which has very little to connection to everything else

Holidaysburg also has a pointless subplot with a character, In it’s case being that girlfriend who dumped Scott, who is shown as more sympathetic. But her plot goes nowhere, while this at least gets a kind of closure.

So there, this movie gets one point. ONE.

You will not regret this”

If she doesn’t regret it already…

Then Tori is thrown up on which we needed to see twice. But when it happened before she was just standing by herself, but when it happens she’s holding a phone and taking a picture.

I am really bitching about bad continuity in the Shane Dawson movie? Yes. Yes I am. After that, we finally meet up with Scott as Tori bumps into him…quite literally with her truck. K.

Do I know you?”

We went to high school together”

Of course this has forced exposition, why wouldn’t it?

His memory is jogged quickly and she gives him a ride, which even she says might be a bad idea. He’s going to the party to find Heather, the girlfriend in a way even Tori calls stalking. This movie is kind of creepy.

Oh my god, it’s 2014”

Thanks for reminding us what year this came out so this movie can be more dated than it already is. By the way, this is indeed the worst film of 2014. Sorry, Saving Christmas.

Instead of letting us find this out from context, Tori flat out tells us that Scott was the high school big shot who doesn’t realize that it’s all over. Yeah, this movie very often explains stuff they didn’t need to.

We’re only 20 minutes in and I’ve written more than usual, about as much as in Fantastic 4orce. This is gonna be a fun review. In the middle of her ranting, Scott kisses her and they fuck.

It’s just as sudden as I made it sound. Something like does happen in Holidaysburg but it’s a bit later and makes way more sense in that context. Oh, and in the middle of it we find Scott came up with that Tori the Whorie Nickname. Wow.

It was a mistake”

You’re damn right. Then they move on like nothing happened and now it’s Thanksgiving with jokes about how Scott’s aunt is crazy or something.

You know mental illness runs in our family, right?”

As long as baldness doesn’t, then I’m fine”

I hate you.

Scott ends up running over to Tori’s place.

When we had sex last night, did you feel something?”

It took me a minute, but yeah”

Okay, that was kinda funny. But yeah, Scott has become one of those guys very quickly. It’s kind of sad but whatever. Tori’s Mom invites him in and then the family partakes in a giant commercial for Dance Central.

Seriously, that’s what this part feels like. I feel they blew their budget on the rights to do this and I guess they had to get their money’s worth.

I hate everything and everyone”

Does that mean you hate Mars Bars?

Scott and Tori end up playing it together.

Maybe you’ll find that having a partner to keep you on beat is a good thing”

God, he’s turned desperate so quickly it’s almost like the pacing in this thing sucks or something. She beats him than he leaves. Well, that was a scene.

It’s been a bit since Joel annoyed us so we cut to him facebook stalking his girl. No seriously, he uses her info to find out her favorite stuff so he can use it later, which he does. Then he…finds a picture of her and…pretends like she is blowing him.

…I…j….i got nothing.

He and Tori go shopping on Black Friday (giving my hope that at least one will be injuried) and Joel tries on dresses he wants to get Janie. Yes, he tries them on.

I just want you to realize how fucked up this is”

Good, I don’t have to react, you did it for me.

Scott shows up and says he was taking pictures in the mall and saw her through the window.

Cuz that doesn’t sound creepy”

Oh god, this is a “pointing out your problems doesn’t’ make them go away” situation. He goes on pretentiously about this one picture he took which to be fair manages to give him one more personality trait besides “thinking he’s cool and also a bit creepy”. Too bad they have to overexplain it like they always do.

And this one example of him being okay makes Tori want to hang out with him, because why not. So why we get a montage of them doing stuff, in the first time they almost at least attempt to have chemistry. I could almost see this working but the problems beforehand ruin it.

Plus, some of these things involve crappy and crass jokes. Like in this store bit where Tori pretends to be pregnant than pretends to have been raped by him. I could tolerate the shit bit before this one but…just ugh.

Also, the piece of music the store plays here might sound familiar, because it’s the one IHE uses for his intro. ….That weirdly matches up with my joke from earlier. Also, this means he has to review this now.

Later, Joel meets up with Janie under the guide of helping her study when really he just wants to bang her. But also he’s willingly to actually help to an extent so…that’s one point in his favor, he can help. Too bad all the other bad shit outweighs that one okay thing. And by help I mean faked into her teacher’s files to get the answers.

She’s too smart to cheat but if she was smart, she would have kicked him in the nuts like half an hour ago. They end up in front of a restaurant.

I’ve always wanted to eat here”

What a lucky guess”

.Okay, seriously, how is she falling for him in any way at all. And then he gives her a dress he got her, which happens to be one she’s wanted for so long. Okay, she doesn’t find this creepy or suspicious in the slightest?!

That scene thankfully ends and we’re back with the only slightly more tolerable couple. In their previous scene Tori gave Scott a pot brownie but it turns out it was just a normal brownie and he is not high. I…really don’t care.

It’s fucked up”

Oh, you’re one to talk. If she pretended to give you a normal brownie that turned out to be a pot one, that would be bad. You actually thought it was a pot one, you intentionally had one that just happened to not be a bad one. That’s not even close to the worst act in this film.

Tori says it is some kind of payback as….well Tori was dumped at Prom by the jerk who helped her lost her virginity and Scott took a picture of her shame or something that lead to her Whori nickname.

Okay, see THAT is fucked up. Now I can say this: Our hero, Ladies and Gentlemen! If he did THAT, than he is not worth tolerating. How was that in any way fitting payback too. If you did the opposite like I suggested maybe that would work better.

Instead of defending himself, or feeling any bit of regret, he jumps into this sob story about how usually he does nothing on Friday nights or some such bullshit. Are you really trying to make us feel sorry for him after THAT reveal?

It’s also too late to be trying any kind of moment with how crass this thing has been.

And we will cue the CW Soundtrack”

Pointing out that this is cheesy does not make this less cheesy. But I’ll take this over that Joel crap-and we’re back to it.

Joel uses the information he got out of FaceBook stalking to impress her which she eventually catches onto, it just takes what feels like a year. She finally realizes he’s kind of a creep. Good, so she’ll tell him to fuck off and we’ll be done here.

I think it’s really sweet that you tried to impress me”

…….I got nothing. For real this time, I have no way to react to that. She actually has no realistic reaction to this and just sort of appreciates what he tried to do in some way, showing how much of a fucking brain dead idiot everyone in this thing is.

Scott and Tori are still hanging out, as if they just forgot that shitty thing Scott did. I mean, at least they discussed what Joel did in that previous scene and didn’t’ just 100 percent drop it! Anyway, Scott mentions his Mom.

It was Cancer, right?’

Oh of course he has a Dead mom we’ve never heard of until now  so we can get more cheap sympathy. Then they drop it and Scott asks about how meaningful their sex was.

From the Dead mom, to sex”

Okay, pointing out your problems not only does not make them go away, it makes them clearer and much much worse! Although some of the bits with them would have worked if you know…..everything else wasn’t shit.

Joel brings Janie to a music store where he somehow got the Degrassi theme music people or something to show up. It’s never explained, just roll with it, it’s something else he knew due to staking.

She somehow is still fine with him and they attempt to dance. Back with Scott, he and Tori do it again just without it being as abrupt and dumb. During a conversation the next morning, he pisses her off for reasons I don’t care about it but it shows how strong this couple if they can break up so easily.

Speaking of which, Janie walked out in the middle of that dance and shockingly, Joel doesn’t go after her like the stalker he is. Instead we have to wait until now to explore that. She shows up and says she’s sorry she only likes him as a friend.

Her reasoning (besides the obvious that I’ve stated) is that she’s attracted to more conveniently attractive men and that they aren’t that much alike.

I feel comfortable around you Joel”

Why.

I didn’t want to throw that all away by having meaningless sex. Am I making sense?”

No. No you’re not. Okay, let’s unpack as, as they agree to stay friends and Janie agrees to help Joel get laid with some other girls who she says are overly promiscuous and easily impressionable.

I get what they are going for to an extent. She likes him as a friend for reasons and wants to stick to that without the pressures of a more serious relationship .That’s all find fine and good and normally I’d be happy….but this fails so hard.

For one, Joel has never been a good human being, let alone a friend. That dance bit is the closest to a passable moment with him. He’s been a creepy, fucked up stalker the whole time and she never really did friend stuff with him, like at all.

To do this kind of plot, you need them to actually be…you know, good friends before he gets Friend-zoned. So that aspect is admirable but fails hard. The last part bothers me even more. So according to this movie, having your first time  with some random women is better than someone special that you know.

What. They do know sex isn’t automatically meaningless, right? Hell, in the main plot of THIS VERY MOVIE, their sex means something, to an extent. I get they are trying to contrast the main story with this, but this message contradicts the story.

According to Janie’s own words, she feels a bit more of a connection to Joel than most and feels comfortable with him. The sex would not be meaningless in this case. Man, I can go on forever on this as makes no sense at all, not even in the context of the story they set up!

I only have two more things to say. Joel still ended up being friends with someone he creepily stalked. And I must bring up that scene where he pretended to get a blowjob from her. He ends up getting with her, even if it’s only a friendship. What the fuck.

And 2nd, look at 40 Year Old Virgin for the correct version of this which has an actually good moral which says meaningless sex is bad when it’s actually meaningless. Hell, even MISS MARCH did this better as at least Tucker said he learned the main lesson which is a good one, while Joel never learns that stalking is bad, and instead learns a bad lesson.

You read that correctly, on a pure objective level, Joel is now worse than Tucker. I personally hate Tucker more because he did more damage and was more annoying but he was still sliightly better in some ways.

I hope you’re fucking happy, Not Cool.

ANYWAY, Scott goes to some party where Heather pops up. She then screams ‘What the fuck” in a frequency only a dog could hear. Ouch. Her character is now pretty much totally different and is just the screechy bitch in heat who wants Scott back. He walks away and…end scene. Okay.

Tori’s…Sister…Aunt…person, is having her engagement party and she’s blind because we haven’t made fun of them yet I suppose. She and Tori have that talk which will convince  her to find Scott and yada yada.

He’s simple, far too simple”

Agreed, but everyone in this movie is overly simple, so how is this new?

You just have to accept him for who he is”

Even if who he is sucks! Okay, let’s just move on to Heather persuing him even though she just kind of stood there at the end of the previous scene. And yes, that means she is pretty much attempting to rape him. That’s….hilarious, right?

But I’m just distracted by how this actress is directed to scream every FUCKING line especially when she says FUCK every 5 FUCKING seconds. FUCK!

In the middle of this, Tori goes to the party to find Scott. Yes, what you think is going to happen does happen. I guessed it minutes before it happened, it’s that predictable. And cliché, but I expected that at this point.

Tori walks in Heather trying to do him and oh you know the rest. Scott doesn’t try to get away, if you’re wondering. He isn’t even seen trying only for Heather to overpower him, which would at least make sense. But yes, Tori storms off.

RICHARD: “It’s a tragic misunderstanding that could have been easily avoided if he just finished his sentence in time!”

There, I finally used it. Now I feel dirty for dragging something good into this. Holidaysburg had the misunderstanding crap too and sadly it failed there too. Tori leaves and we get one last bit with Joel getting laid, because I needed to see this. Oh, and one of the girls is mentally disabled.

Sometimes I drink bleach”

Bah. Thankfully Scott’s plot interrupts this as he goes to Janie for advice and during that she says this:

This is way too Disney Channel”

It’s funny because being too Disney Channel would be a huge improvement. Scott than shows up at Tori’s place and shaves his head to show he’s changed and yada yada. It’s another case of them saying more about his supposed depth than actually showing us, but at least he’s doing something this time.

He explains what happened, says sorry and everything is all sad and yada yada, I really don’t give even a fraction of a shit. Stuff like this would work if…you know, the rest didn’t suck so hard. Plus, one action shouldn’t make her forgive him so easily, but we’re almost done.

They go to a different party because that previous one got interrupted. Janie this  set up mostly to get Joel laid. Yay. He’s even getting some right now and one of the girls is that guy in drag, and he’s the one he mostly screws. Woo hoo.

Don’t worry, that’s the end of Joel, as we only have a few minutes left. Even if they cocktease us by fading to black than fading back. It’s only to end on a bland pop song and pretentious narration.

Then it finally (abruptly) ends after that. Thank the lord. No, fuck you’re bloopers, we’re done….But first…

Thoughts on Holdaysburg:

To be honest, while this movie is better than Not Cool…it’s not better by a ton. It’s mostly meh. It’s main problem is being too boring and meandering a lot. The story and characters aren’t that interesting,and it feels like a 90’s movie that ended up in 2014.

I feel like it’s trying too hard and is slightly sloppy. However, it’s got charming moments, a certain Indie sweet-ness and a good ending. Overall, it’s very middle of the road. Respectable, but forgettable.

It blends in more than Not Cool but I can’t get mad at something I was never going to watch to begin with. I watched Not Cool for Shane Dawson and didn’t know about The Chair until later. Holidaysburg is just doing it’s own thing and I can deal with that way more than Not Cool.

Holidaysburg Grade: C+

Final Thoughts (Not Cool):

Yeah, this one was a hard sit. Now to be fair, some moments from the shooting script almost come through and would have worked in a better film. I can see where they are going with it in in some parts….but this mostly sucks, so hard.

And with the info I have, I know I sadly must blame Shane. Everything is directed and edited to be as annoying as possible. It’s like a bad YouTube video, which makes sense. He clearly put in a lot of the offensive humor and almost everything I bitched about, given only minor issues also exist in Holidaysburg.

But let’s drop that and pretend it doesn’t exist, as there’s plenty wrong on it’s own. Honestly, I’m so spent from ranting that I’m not sure what else to say. This thing is a mess with humor that is way too crass and offensive, while not having any charm.

The acting is mostly annoying, and the characters are one dimensional and in some cases unlikable, especially Joel who is now on my list, right next to Tucker. The pacing is garbage, and the dialogue explains tons of things instead of being even the least bit subtle.

And of course, there’s the moral aspect. Someone befriends a girl he stalked and sex with random people is better than someone who means something to you. Yeah, I bet the people who made this are infact fine people….but my god, this is still some rancid shit.

This movie fails on every level. The humor, pacing, and editing are too frantic and annoying to let the serious moments just happen, and the the writing messes up too much to let any good through. The morals are messed up, no one is likable, and the humor is just dire all the way through.

How does it compare to the other YouTuber movies? Well, Fred is the worst, no questions so let’s compare it to Smosh. Well, that feels less like it’s “Source Materiel” than say Fred, but Not Cool is just trying to be a movie which happens to be made like a YT vid so that comparison is pointless.

But in general….this is worse. Smosh is bad but it mostly bored and me and only rarely pissed me off. This pissed me off often with it’s terrible humor, bad pacing and very bad writing. In hindsight, Smosh is pretty bad but not horrible bad.

This comes closer to that. Not saying it fully is, but it’s close. This was just dire. By the way, all 3 of these have someone getting a girl despite being a stalker. Yeah. But no matter how you put it, this movie sucks and Holidaysburg is much better.

But I am glad I watched both. It showed how important a director’s style is, as they their vision can really make a difference on the product. It was fun comparing the two, even if watching neither was fun as one was meh, and one was awful.

I’d only recommend Holidaysburg to those who really who have a soft spot for  that kind of Indie Romance thing, and if you want a better version of this. Otherwise, meh. But I’d watch that again before touching this. It’s bad.

Grade: D

Wow, two films in a row that reached new lows in terms of writing, even if Fantastic 4orce was more tolerable. I want to do something that is certainly bad and messy, but at least in a fun way.

So in other words, a DCOM is next. …Also, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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