Hello, Spongey here.
I’m a bad person. Why? Because once again I failed to give you the review I kind of promised. First I couldn’t do Swan Princess due to ASCII, and now I can’t do…my annual Friday the 13th review.
I know, that’s even worse and my excuse is only really half good. Of the films left, I have 2, 3, 4, 5, and 7. I…could not find any of them. You think a franchise as popular as this would be easy to find, without having too pay too much at least.
Btu nope, and the only TV airings were on the 14th, after my review would go up. I couldn’t find those no matter where I looked, at least without getting into torrent territory, which I don’t do.
So it looks you’ll have to wait til January of 2017 for another Friday review, as I do hope to find one by then. Hopefully. It especially sucks because my backup makes me wish Jason would knock on my door.
While my schedule for the rest of my months on here covered most of what I felt I HAD to review, there was one I had to leave out to make room for the Friday review. And since that’s gone, I get to it. Yay?
Now onto that film. By now I’ve talked about most of the big infamous directors, like M Night and Micheal Bay. Haven’t’ done a ton of their work but I’ve done them nonetheless. But there’s one I haven’t done, that seems to be a right passage for anyone who reviews bad movies at all.
That director…is Uwe Boll. Yep, we’re going there. Uwe is a German filmmaker best known for making terrible video game movies and just being an asshole in general. Yeah, some directors are seen as jerks just for making bad films, but this guy is actually an asshole for real.
You all know why he sucks, so there’s no need to go into it. I have yet to see any of his work beyond some reviews. What film of his could I do? The ones that are the most interesting like Alone in the Dark and Postal have been done , and the ones people barely touch look more boring than anything.
Then I found….something interesting. Look at that cover. That’s what we’re in for. Uwe tends to make video game films of just darker stuff like Tunnel Rats or the like. But this one looks like a Comedy and after Postal, I’m sure it will be very tasteful.
The most interesting part is that according to what I can find, this is a parody of Bloodrayne 3. Not his original film, one of the sequels no one asked for. I have no idea why he did this, and I doubt even he knows or cares.
I will not both to watch the original because it should stand on it’s own and there’s no indication that this would be the case anyway. If I get lost, it’s not my fault. Predictably, people hated this and it landed on the So Bad It’s horrible Page, along with Boll’s other amazing masterpieces.
The lead actress kind of defended this by saying it was made with “The best intentions” and “”I truly wanted to make a movie about a fat girl who could kick ass.’.
I’m sure you meant well, not so much Boll. The cover itself tells me this will be as tasteful as anything he makes. Heck, even she hates the title and some of the fat jokes. Even the person defended it hates some parts.
This doesn’t bond well. Should be interesting either way. So will my first face off with Uwe Boll go well, or we are in for some real pain? Time to finally found out.
This, is Blubberella
The movie opens with a bunch of random clips of the titular overweight hero swinging swords and stuff, then it just cuts to her waking up. The heck was up with that? Then text informs us that this is Blubberella, half human, half Vampire.
…I’ve made a big mistake.
It also tells us she is in 1940 Germany…A Jew-y part of town. I shouldn’t swear yet, it’s bound to get worse.
Blubberella then gives us narration, telling us that she’s been a vampire for the last 800 years and her weight is a result of nervous eating. At least there’s some kind of logical explanation for the fat jokes?
“He says I replace sex with foods, but then he raped me so it kind of shot that theory”
….We’re not even 5 minutes in, and we have a rape joke. Lovely. Also, she uses a computer, implying maybe this had time travel somewhere, but she says she likes killing nazis, meaning she does it often.
So we have anachronisms for the sake of dumb jokes. Joy. We are then treated to an action scene with her a bunch of random Nazi dudes. She kills a guy by shoving him in her breasts. Because Comedy.
Speaking of bad comedy, the text tells us that the next character Vadge is “However you say Fag in German”. I see no type of offensive comedy will be left unused. And yes, he is a flaming gay stereotype,
This guy is part of some Resistance team and eventually they decided to let her help them with something. That being take care of some runaways they found in a Boxcar. They are dicks to the people before deciding to do this because we can’t let a chance of lame Comedy pass.
…Then I guess they chance their minds, because then they lock the people in there and leave. I really hope they turn on Blubberella so they aren’t in any way our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
…Then it cuts to them walking with those people. Okay, will we be dicks to homeless runaways or not?!
We join them later at their hideout for more lukewarm comedy.
“Haha, you’re lonely”
Thanks for hammering in the point, Vadge.
Here’s a sentence I thought I would never say: Thankfully, we cut to the Nazis. This groups boss visits their doctor who’s patient list apparently included “M Jackson” and “L. Lohan”.
You’re so topical. This came out in 2011, by the way. He’s doing stuff to a body which he says was a movie critic at some point.
“They don’t get out much”
Hardy har har.
After that lame bit, we cut to Blubberella having a dream where she is insulted by a Sassy black woman. Because….Comedy? Seriously, this is turning into a Seltzerberg movie!
It doesn’t help that it drags on forever, and just gets more annoying and pointless. She eventually wakes up and I continue to question my life choices. I’ve never been so glad to see Nazis.
“He’s a vampire,”
So in other words…
Been waiting to pull that out.
After some aimless scenes were nothing happens besides more lame jokes, this chick name Slutlana tells the Nazi leader guy about Blubberella’s whereabouts. Seriously, I skipped close to 5 or so minutes and you are not missing anything important/interesting/funny.
So some of the Nazi goons go to her and kick their asses handed to them. It happens so quickly it’s almost kind of pointless. This does tell her that she has to worry about taking down the Nazis now that can track her down more easily.
“Despite my inabtilty to carry a scene..we need to work together”
Great, Uwe has reached the stage where he thinks pointing out his problems is the same as fixing them.
“The following scene is really boring, this is the reason we present to you Jessica lastnameunspellable’s music from Uwe Boll’s movies”
If you are going to trim the boring parts, why not just save us time and skip to the credits?
The scene seems to play as is just with weird music and it’s dull but no less dull than the rest of the film. It has less jokes but it’s better what this movie considers to be humor. The Nazis have this chick (might be Slutlana, idk) who has a new vampire that they are doing tests on.
“You managed to somehow evolve and regress at the same time”
She tries to bite the doctor but he gets her before she can do so. That ends a pretty dull segment without many jokes, but refer to my previous statement about that. Then we have a scene where Blubberella randomly has Hitler in her room and there’s a gag about a black guy saying motherfucker a lot.
Pretty sure this is a dream and like the last one it’s incredibly tedious, pointless, and unfunny. Also, I can’t 100 percent tell with my mediocre eyesight, but Wikipedia says Hitler is played by Uwe Boll himself.
No comment, he did on purpose.
But seriously, that scenes goes on FOREVER, and is not funny once. She and Hitler do mundane shit and it just drags on and on. When she wakes up, it’s like I woke up from my own nightmare!
After …that, we cut to the “real” Hitler as he visit by a Vampire Nazi Dude. Vampire Nazi is amazing, too bad it’s in this movie. He bites Hitler to turn him into a Vampire. Vampire Hitler. Why isn’t’ this movie better?!
Back with Blubberella, one of her new pals comes over and brings the gay guy with him because ugh. She brought them here to talk about her dream. Holy crap, there was a reason for it?!
Or not, as the dream just taught her that he needs to be taken care of. So it going on for 5 years and being weird was pointless.
“How are we gonna kill Hitler?”
“That’s the next scene’
I’m a fan of 4th Wall humor. Movies like this ruin those jokes for me. Also, like every single scene, it drags without much of a purpose until that line.
Which isn’t even true because we the next scene…has them still in the room, not going out or anything. They lied! The Lt guy (can never spell the full version of Lt so bleh) randomly shows up for…an intervention? Huh? It seems to be a comedic way to facing him and how he kind of kills people on Hitler’s request, so it’s not…too out of nowhere, but its’ also just….random. There’s an idea here but it does not pan out.
They get him to say where the Commandant is and then it moves after more drawn out awkward-ness. Seriously, this whole movie is drawn out with no direction whatsoever, with the flimsiest excuse for a story ever.
They gather the Resistance fighters to partake in more scenes that just drag on. I got nothing at this point, nothing ever happens in this damn thing! If anything was funny, I could forgive overlong gags but it’s just so boring!
She takes care of two Nazis guarding a place and they head in. Then the Gay randomly dresses like a little girl because Tumblr hasn’t gotten pissed in a little while. Also a chick shows up because one guy asked for a drink so they got a white Russian.
Even Patrick has no reaction to that.
It turns out they walked into a trap, but they managed to kill all the attacking Nazis so quickly that it makes this close to pointless. The higher up guys show up and throw them in their little prison place while they do experiments on Blubberella in the lab to make Hitler stronger, or whatever.
“Why so serious?!”
Random reference for the sake of it? Did Seltzerberg take over again?
We cut to the resistance people who suddenly free for some reason. Seriously, did I miss something?
“Who wants to free our friend from the Nazis? The script saves we save them”
The script is also terrible, so don’t obey it.
Blubberella is taken via vehicle to Hitler, and on the way she “bonds’ with one random guy. They have terrible chemistry, which isn’t as funny as they think it is. Them trying to have sex is not funny either because it drags on and on.
Thankfully, she is saved by her pals with a quick little action scene. Te bad guys just kind of walk away instead of trying to stop her or anything like that. One guy even takes a hit of her blood that they had because….reasons.
At least she bumps into Hitler and farts on him. I’m more shocked that it took this long to do a fart joke, unless I skipped one earlier.
He’s knocked and they move on…is that it? Ar they done for? We’re not quite so I hope it’s a fake out because even a comedy can’t cop out this badly on the “climax”. She and that guy ramdomly try to fuck again but he cums early. I don’t care.
‘But here’s a sneak peek of our sequel, A Very Blubberella Christmas
No, fuck you. Even a Comedy from Uwe Boll needs an actual fucking ending instead of that lame shit. The “Sneak peek” amounts to a small bit that has nothing to comment, or anything Christmas-y for that matter!
It just goes into blooper filled credits, because this whole movie wasn’t a blooper somehow!
“This has been a showing of Crapterpeice theaters”
I think that sums it up.
I thought I knew what I was getting into but somehow this was…so much worse in some ways. I mean, the fat jokes aren’t bad as I thought they might be, and it’s not exactly offensive in the traditional sense….but my god, was this a tough sit.
I’m not even sure how mad I should be. It’s clearly not meant to be taken seriously, it’s just a dumb movie with a dumb idea. And to be fair, the lead actress brings more charm to this film then it really deserves.
But on a person level, ugh this was bad. For one main reason: IT’S. SO. FUCKING. BORING. Every single joke and scene drags on FOREVER. Even if it’s pretty simple, they go that extra mile by having them drone on for too long.
There are various bits with not much going on at all, or something dumb will happen to throw things off. It’s hard to describe, but the movie itself just drags. And I know the plot doesn’t matter in a Comedy but that sucks too.
Nothing is ever explain about the basic premise of her being half vampire, and nothing actually happens. We have basic Nazi stuff, that’s really it. Any extra plot points become useless thanks to one of the worst abrupt endings ever.
The entire thing just feels like barely any effort was put into it. The humor isn’t really the worst and some of it kind of works but they barely even use the premise. Aside from a few bits, there’s not much of her kicking ass or even some dumb slapstick or something.
The premise sounds better for a sketch than a full film, but at least TRY to do something with it. As it is, this movie drags on and is just a slog. It tries too hard to be funny, nothing makes any sense, and every joke drags on forever with no real direction for the story when you get down to it.
Maybe you could get cheap laughs at out, but you’re better off watching the trailer or something. You’ll get everything without needing to suffer through so much nothing. Even without seeing another Uwe Boll film, I can tell you that most of movies are…actual movies! Hell, even Disaster Movie had more of a real story than this one!
That’s it, I’m done here.
Ugh that’s it, next time is Cheetah Girls 2. At least that should be fun!