So Bad It’s Horrible Month 2: Witless Protection

Witless_protection

Well, they got the first part right

Hello, Spongey here. Welcome back to So Bad It’s Horrible Month 2!

This time we go back to (intentional) Comedy with a “Gem” from 2008, that stars Dan Whitney, better known as Larry the Cable Guy. I bet you’re excited!

When it comes to Larry the Cable Guy, I’m indifferent. I’m not a fan of his style of Comedy but it has an audience, so I can live with it. All I can tell you is that if they pull out their list of Hit Franchises that have not been butchered yet, and get to Ernest, he’s gonna be in it.

As far as acting, I’ve only seen him in the Cars films, where he’s honestly not that bad because he has good writers and directors to real him in, despite a few off moments. But in the mid 2000’s, he starred in three films which did not fare well.

They all got bad reviews, but this one is the most hated, with a 4 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and of course a spot on the So Bad It’s horrible page. I don’t usually watch the trailer before I jump in, but I got bored and did so here.

My expectations are not high, but I’ve give anything a chance. Granted, the best luck I’ve had with this page is The seeker, which was not very good. We’ll see. On top of the reviews, it bombed because…would you see it?

The writer/director has done little of note, so we can move on. With my mostly neutral view of Larry, will this prove to be a good showcase for him? Or will this earn it’s spot on the page? Only one way to find out..

This, is Witless Protection

The starts with…Eye of the Tiger. And it’s already ruining things I like. Okay, the movie actually starts with Larry the Cable guy himself training through the help of a workout video. Well, that song at least starts us off with something tolerable.

After failing to workout because lolhe’sfat, we find out he’s a small town deputy and he’s called to take care of a situation. Because this is a guy you trust with the safey of your town. Maybe he’s really dedicated and nice?

Also, his character’s name is…Larry. Really, you were too lazy to give him a real name? Well, he does seem to be playing himself, so it fits. The situation is his friend Elemer going a bit crazy and trying to kill his horse.

He tried because the horse was acting out and Larry finds that this was due to getting something stuck in her saddle. Well, this guy is stupid, or as Larry so eloquently puts it-

You’re a retard”

After the tone of the film is set, Larry goes to drink with his buddies and a waitress named Connie, played by Jenny McCarthy. She gets top billing on the poster, so she must be important.

I get off in an hour”

Won’t take that long..”

Lovely.

So it’s implied this is her girlfriend or some kind, and Sandler got me used to seeing stuff like this….but seriously? Jenny McCarthy and Larry the Cable Guy”? Seriously? They better break up by the end or else this will be more unrealistic than the talking car movie!

How does Special Agent Larry sound?”

I don’t think Oso will let you in, sorry.

Larry dreams of the big time because no small town person is ever happy with his live. Suddenly, two men in black walk in with a woman, which makes Larry a tad luscious. The actual back one asks for Coffee.

‘Black?”

.

After acting as suspicious as you possibly can be, Larry thinks something is up but no one believes him. In this case I’m on Larry’s side because the only they could broadcast it more if they just yelled out that they are suspicious people.

No matter how much Larry rattles off other times he was wrong, I still think he’s actually right for thinking this is odd. Granted, I wouldn’t act myself because I’m not an idiot, but whatever.

Another thing I won’t buy is how much Connie wants that Cable Guy dick and whatnot. Just…no. Especially when we’ve known for all of 5 minutes before we’re meant to buy them as a possible couple.

Woman, who can possible untangle their mysteries? Then again, who gives a shit?”

You seem like a pleasant fellow.

I didn’t mean that”

…Oh, You win this round, Larry.

Larry calls his friend who works at a gas station and tells him if the “Bad guys” drive by him, he should try to stall them. This happens so he does so. While the men in black wisely leave the person they are supposed to be guarding unattended, Larry shows up and tells her he is here to help.

I’m here to help you-escape, from the clutches of evil”

By impeaching Bush”

Haw haw you’re so topical.

When one guy steps out, Larry just takes her and drives off with her in tow, in an attempt to rescue her.

Are you insane?”

No, I’m Larry”

Even the crickets have left by now.

As they drive, she quickly tells that those guys are actually FBI and they are protecting her. She is telling the truth if the offical summary is right. That’s our premise, Larry the Cable guy has accidentally someone hwo is in Witness Protection, thus putting her in more danger.

That’s a premise could possibly be bad, but it has a shot of being decent. …So far, that chance is going down. I mean, maybe she wouldn’t be taken by a dumbass if you werent’ so dang suspicious by talking into a small town dinner like that, or didn’t leave your precious cargo untended for any idiot to take!

I’m just saying, dumbest FBI agents ever. So where was I? Oh, the next jokes are that she accidentally falls onto his crotch, then after a remark, he farts.

This is what I chose to do with my time. Then one an agent shoots at them, because that won’t put her in an further danger at all! Their van then runs out of gas, as if to punish them for being so moronic.

They call her on her 2008 flip phone and she calls him out for shooting at them. …Well, I at least have one character to like. Wait, we’re supposed to think she’s a bitch. Of course.

Larry takes the phone and the agent tries to reason with him and explain everything. It…actually works and now Larry’s on the same page, and shall deliver the woman to to the agents.

That was…too smart. Something stupid is gonna happen, isn’t it?

On the way, she introduces herself as Madeline. He asks what she Is being protected from, and of course she refuses to tell him. So he randomly pulls out a snake to scare her into talking.

…Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! Seriously, what the hell?!

Her story is that she worked for Arthur Grismley, and he is a bad guy. She was going to testify against him in court, but his goons didn’t like that so the FBI had to protect her and escort her to the trial.

Until Larry fucked it all up, anyway. But uh….i still blame the agents for being so moronic, especially now that I know the gravity of the situation!

The two meet with the agents, but …um, he has Madeline bound and gagged for some reason as he makes a deal with the agents, and when she honks the horn we get a Yakkety Sax chase scene.

I am so confused. Did Larry just want to make it more dramatic? Why does he suddenly suspect them as bad when he’s willingly to give them a letter of recommendation to make him an agent (don’t ask)? This makes no sense!

Larry says that they weren’t followed exact hostage procedure by getting full backup….and that’s why he says he thinks they are dirty. Seriously? If they turn out to be good, then you are in gigantic trouble, you dumbass!

He lists other minor things, which could be jokes but they don’t feel like jokes. Okay, we had one minor scene where one agent tells the other to put Larry on the list and cross his name out, so WE know they could be dirty, but Larry doesn’t, he just has a shitty guess!

God, we’re only 28 minutes into this thing.

So now the plan is for Larry to get her to court himself. Now we have our road trip! I would guess that they end up together, but we established Connie as a loving girlfriend, and…she’s the one of the poster, so that’s not too likely now.

Speaking of Connie, the agents end up back at the dinner to ask her where Larry is. Aren’t these guys smart enough to figure out that he may be headed to court to do the heroic deed? Okay whatever, I can ignore that because I don’t care.

Oh, and one agent says “Nice Beaver”…and it cuts to an actual Beaver. Sigh. She tells him of many places he could possibly hide out and they go. That added something. Also, if they are bad guys,that makes their action even stupider!

Larry and Madeline stop at a hotel and of course the desk guy is some kind of offensive stereotype (Middle Eastern, I think because they make a terroist joke) and the guy two pretend to be a married couple. Makes more sense than the scene in Pluto Nash, I suppose.

Oh, and he gets a room by saying he is using a thingy to test for explosives which if he finds he will tell some guys and get him arrested. …Again, our hero! And the guy is scared meaning he may actually be some kind of terrorist or whatever.

Isn’t this film so progressive and timely?

Back with the agents, they tell the sherif that the lady has information on …Alqedua and Larry is a bad guy. Well, this confirms that the agents bad, but it was not portrayed well at all. Also, this is so 2008 it hurts.

They figure out where Larry is because the desk guy called in somewhere about him. Because lolhe’sactuallyaterrost or whatever. Back with our “heroes”, we get scenes of them bickering with hints of them maybe understanding each other because that’s how that goes.

He handcuffs her to himself to make sure she doesn’t’ escape. If she hasn’t by now, given what has happened, I think you’re good. Also, you are in no position to distrust her given from her perspective she’s still being kidnapped.

That night, we get the scene of her being bothered by his snoring, which is thankfully cut short when she tries to escape. Larry actually catches on quickly, which I must give him some credit for. Then they stop the agents outside, which means this stop on the trip was at least short.

The agents stop them but they manage to escape due to a slightly clever trick on Larry’s part, although you can also call the agents dumb again since Larry acts like he has a live grenade on him when they should be able to tell that someone like Larry would not have one.

But eh, I’ll let them slide this one time. So then a bit later Larry stops at the side of the road to throw up because he swallowed the key to their handcuffs. Lovely, that needed to be in this.

They head to an airport, where we get some timely security jokes. To be fair, plenty of films make fun of whatever is going on at the time but these jokes don’t really fit most of the time. At least this fits the setting.

They try to wring the joke further by having the guy overact at the mention of the word “gun” and yada yada yada. Now I’m longing for the subtly of Harold and Kumar 2. Really, this is an excuse to have a comedic set piece where Larry is naked with his hat covering his crotch.

Because the world needed that. We need someone sticking their hand up Larry’s ass to search for weapons.

I just…i don’t know. They are trying to get Comedy from other sources and at least do something with an otherwise typical gross out gag, but the timing is slow and this just drags on forever.

After finding out the hard way he is no threat, they let him go only for the agents to show up shortly after. One agent calls up Aruthr Grmsely, played by Peter Stormare, finally confirming in a blatant way that they are evil. There, was that so hard?

Back with Larry, they are the back on the road since the airport failed them and Larry uses some connections to call Madeline’s prosecutor on the case. He completely buys that Larry is an FBI guy because he’s an idiot, and tells us that the evidence against Arthur is contained within a disc and it has gone missing.

That could be catastrophic”

‘Could be real bad, too”

Hardy har. They’ve made jokes like that already, I spared you until now.

We cut to Aruthur as one of his goons hands him the disc. The goon is played by Eric Roberts which may or may not be more embarrassing than A Talking Cat. They try to make Arthur funny but it’s not enough, at least in this small scene.

Anyway, what’s Madeline think of this shit?

Your attempts at humor are feeble, juvenile and bigoted”

I think that was the quote on the DVD case.

They have stopped to eat, so they can at least try to bond and get Madeline to be less bitchy. As I expected, I am too much on her to side to buy a lot of this.

You are a surprising individual, Larry”

That’s one way to put it.

Eric Roberts calls her up, which makes me wonder why Arthur did not make him do that before if he could but whatever. The call ends quickly as Eric asks to meet with her. Naturally he assumes she won’t bring some kind of back up, as he is an idiot.

Larry helped her through that call which means they are bonding. This is the first scene in the entire thing where they bond, unless you count very minor jokes that weren’t even funny. Development like this should be a bit more natural than this, just saying.

Then there’s weird short bit with the agents as they tracking the phone, as one guy says something dumb than another guy says he’s gonna kill him, which is followed by sinister music which ends the scene.

That was framed as a poorly timed random joke, but then they play that music. I don’t get it, it’s so small yet so random! It’s not even funny.

For our “heroes” next stop, they end up in the middle of some kind of parade, so we can have a place to set our next chase scene in. But first, Larry finds Eric Roberts suspicious. Wait, they don’t know he’s a bad guy? Shouldn’t that be obvious given what is going on?

It’s like Micheal Jackson running a day care center, it makes no sense”

.No comment.

My hand hasn’t been this sore since the first episode of Baywatch”

…I’ll comment on that: I don’t find it funny.

Larry meets with Eric to see if he’s on their side and of course it’s all a trick as the agents show up. They escape so fast it makes me wonder if these bad guys are any good at their job.

They are getting sick of this, so they decide to fake Madeline’s death to get them to back off. This won’t backfire at all. After blowing up their car, they visit Larry’s Sister’s Husband who can make it look like she is dead.

Also, because this scene needed some bad jokes, we are told Larry’s Sister is big and fat. At least we don’t see her. I do like that this guy is treated like an evil scientist though, it’s kind of amusing.

The agents pop up just in time for Madeline to be injected with some stuff to put her out cold. Long story short, it works because as we’ve established, they are quite stupid. I mean, Larry does one thing to prove it and thye just move on like that’s enough.

And no, they don’t push Larry for further questions or have him arrested for the crap he’s done. They don’t even blame him for her death even though his story has her dying due to his truck.

Seriously, I know I keep saying this but worst evil bad guy agents EVER!

After they leave a bit later, they find out about a charity polo match where the winner gets invited to a ball inside Arthur’s mansion. Now their plans have changed to just take on the bad guy from the inside, because the other plan would have ended this thing too soon.

Why don’t you leave law enforcement to the professionals?’

Why don’t you?’

Oh snap. But seriously, that was funny.

Even though he knows nothing about polo, he goes by himself since bringing a supposed dead person may raise question. Huh, good thinking but he turns down the idea of going in disguise just to prove he’s still kind of dumb.

Of course this doesn’t stop her from coming in disguise anyway. Against all probability, Larry wins despite no proper training. Because screw it, I just want this over with. Besides, it’s implied Arthur let him win to get him in his clutches which means either he didn’t get the memo about her death, he saw right through it, or he rightfully wants Larry’s head for kind of killing her.

The first one is the stupidest reason so…yeah, it’s that one. And yes, her okay disguise works on him because of course it does. Larry is now okay with her being her in disguise, almost like that earlier discussion was pointless.

Also, I just remembered the evidence they mentioned earlier happens to be with Arthur, which is why are doing this. Okay, my bad, I screwed up that time. Although did they learn he has it or did the writers just wisely want to get this other with as much as I do?

They go to the ball and while looking for their disc, Larry bumps into Eric Roberts and they have a lame fight. While that is going on, Madeline dances with Arthur to distract him but he’s not too stupid as he says he knew it was her right away.

It just me how cliché this entire scenario is. Yes, even doing all this stuff, with one person fighting a guy while at the bad guy’s party while one person ditracts the bad guy with dancing, is kind of tired. I know this movie isn’t exactly trying to win awards with it’s story, but even the comedy is falling to be anything special. Anyway, after Larry the Cable Guy takes out Eric Roberts (still don’t know if is this is more embarrassing than talking cat..), he finds out the location of the disk and heads to the safe it’s being kept in, and manages to get it.

Then of course the bad guys show up right after that. They may be dumb but they don’t have bad timing. One agent has the others leave so he can somehow make a deal with Larry and dumb story short, he lets Larry leave with the disc while he collects the money that is in that safe.

Don’t care how anti climatic that is, we still have Arthur to deal with and we’re almost done. Speaking of which, he finds him with Madeline as he now has her hostage. Larry trades the disc for the woman and of course the disc he gave Arthur was fake. Because who cares about making original jokes?

Without much of an explanation is to what happens in between ,we cut to Larry talking to the real FBI as Arthur has been arrested. That was pretty much our climax. The bad guy doesn’t even try to fight anyone, and the big intense hostage scene lasted all of 30 seconds.

I can’t say I expected anything better.

Larry, you’re better than any FBI agent I’ve ever worked with”

No.

Of course, he is offered to join them but he refuses because he prefers his normal life and yada yada. If you’re not gonna be original, either be funny or pack it in!

Larry and Madeline say their goodbyes, after having shared such deep and well done development. At least they don’t end up together, they just share one small goodbye cheek kiss and move on.

Larry heads back to his hometown to celebrate a job well done. He meets up with Connie, who was really unimportant for someone who is on the poster. They kiss and …The End!

What, were you expecting an actually good ending? Please, you forgot what movie this was! At least they were trying to “teach” something small that did not need an epic send off, but it was still so rushed you can tell the big takeaway was forced in.

But eh, at least those 92 minutes were over quickly.

Final Thoughts:

At this rate, I’m getting enough materiel for a Bottom 5 List like in 2014. I’m not sure it pissed me off quite enough to be called horrible, but it was still bad. I’m not sure how to sum it up, because most of it speaks for itself.

It’s biggest crime is not even appealing to the crowd it’s aiming at. There’s not much of that Larry the Cable guy humor you might expect, as a lot of it is just cliché and boring. I’m not his biggest fan but this should have appealed to his fans a bit more. The bits where they kind of hit that mark are still not that funny though. I’m kind of glad they mostly avoided bad gross out gags the ones they are there are…not good.

The movie was sort of half and half. Half was beyond stupid and painful, and the other half was just very typical and boring. Like Pluto Nash, it fails at being anything. As a story, it’s cliché and has little effort put into said cliches. It doesn’t have any good action to be that, and while I maybe fares slightly better as a buddy road trip, it still fails.

The connection between Larry and the woman is forced and they just get along out of nowhere. They at least try to have her learn some important stuff about not being a jerk but the writing is so weak it barely registers.

The film just kind of peters out by the end, not really making much of a point. It doesn’t even end on a joke, it just…stops!

Even the tone is off. Sometimes it’s simply upbeat and fine, and other times it becomes randomly offensive and tries to be relevant even then it’s in no way smart enough for that. Sometimes Larry is written to be a nice guy and other time he’s a really unlikable tool.

It’s just a mess. I suppose most of the acting is okay given what they have to work with, but it’s nothing special ever. Man, poor Eric Roberts, am I right?

Even when it’s not painfully unfunny, it’s incredibly boring and stale. Everything it wants to be, it’s not good at. I’m okay with being kind of cliché but it barely even tries at point.

Now, I’m down with a low bro comedy, I’m no prude but to me this even failed at that since it can’t be bothered to even end on a good note, it just stops. There is an obvious for Larry’s humor, but you’re better off watching anything else with him in it.

Besides maybe A Medea Christmas. Because even his fans have their limits.

Grade: D

Tune in next time, as that is the grand finale of So Bad It’s Horrible Month 2! It’s so grand even I don’t know what it is yet as of writing this on a Sunday!

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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