Hello, Spongey here.
The biggest event of the year….has come and gone. But now that Force Awakens is out, we can look forward to Christmas! Yep, it’s just a couple days away, as of the day this goes up.
That means it’s time for my official Christmas review. In the past, these have been hit and miss. 2012’s was the very different Batman Returns, which wasn’t exactly cheery. In 2013 we had A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas, which was crass and weird, but still surprisingly Christmas-y, showing that holiday cheer can come from anywhere.
Then in 2014 we had Saving Santa, which was the most mediocre thing ever. Very disappointing. So this year I wanted to step it up, and do something…special. And I think I found it.
Yeah, it’s not exactly cheery, but it’s certainly trying to put the Christ back in Christmas, just like Ernest did!
Actually, given the rep of this movie, that’s not too far off. Oh boy, do we get a special stinker today. Now, I had never even heard of this movie until Brad Jones brought it up, and since then it’s gotten quite following, for all the wrong reasons.
This 2014 film comes to us from Child Star turned Crazy Person Kirk Cameron, in the last in a strange line of bad religious films from that year. No, I won’t do any others, it’s not my Territory. I’ll leave it to The Cinema Snob.
He made this movie to combat the commercialism of Christmas, and bring it back to it’s religious roots, or something like that. A noble cause I suppose, but it’s too bad the resulting film was….panned, to say the least.
It got scathing reviews for various reasons we may get into, and currently has a 0 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. …Yes, this is apparently on the same level as Bucky Larson.
It also won the Razzie for Worst Picture. Which is odd, because the Razzies are criticized for hitting easy targets, yet they gave the award to a film barely anyone knew about til it got this award!
How did Kirk take this? He told his “fans” to “storm the gates of Rotten Tomatoes” and give the film a 10. Smooth. Naturally, this resulted in the exact opposite happening, and to drive the point further, it currently places 4 on the IMDB Bottom 100.
It was even Number one at one point. Kirk says it was due to a “campaign on Reddit by “haters and atheists” to purposely lower the film’s ratings.”
…Eh, you might be right about the haters part.
It’s safe to say this one was ripe for a review, especially since it’s said to be The Room of Holiday movies. Now this should be fun!
There isn’t much to say about the creative team. The director has done little of note, and same goes for the writers. I hope they find way better work after this thing.
By the way, I have not seen Norty or Cinema Snob’s reviews on this, because I wanted to go in blind. So if I step on any toes in terms of jokes, it’ll be an accident.
With all of that said, let’s celebrate Christmas Kirk’s way and see how crazy he really is.
This, is Saving Christmas
The movie opens with Kirk Cameron himself talking to us about how he loves Christmas. He goes into deep detail about what he likes.
“I love all the kids…and I love all the spirit in the air”
Uh, that pause wasn’t mine. It’s like he realize how awkward that sounded. That was our first joke, people.
After he rambles some more, he rambles about the people who don’t care for Christmas, like one group that just wants people to be quieter about it. I can sympathize with those people, they have a right to not want to be annoyed.
He says we need someone who can remind of the true meaning of Christmas. I vote for Santa Christ!
After FOUR MINUTES of him rambling we get….another studio logo. …The hell? You don’t put another logo after 4 minutes of a scene! Or this is just my copy?
Kirk begins narrating to us about stories our parent told us or something. God, so far this is just people rambling about nothing!
“You and I are in a story right now”
Hey, get out of my story, you bum!
After a cheaply animated title sequence, our story begins a mere 8 MINUTES in, at a Christmas party Kirk is holding.
“Hey everybody, that’s me!”
I already want to kill our narrator and we’ve barely started.
His Mom tells him that his friend isn’t into Christmas this year , which he finds to be blasphemous. By the way, the friend is named….Christian White. ….You just gave January Jones a run for her money.
He tells us that Christian, played by the director, indeed is not into Christmas. He of course goes into deep detail about what he sees in place of Christmas. Santa Christ, I’ve read books with less narration!
We get more nonsense as Christian talks to his token black friend. And he even goes into needless detail on shit no one cares about!
Then it cuts to Christian’s POV as the friends rambling is muted. It’s like the movie decided to be nice and mute itself for us! Christian goes to his car to get away from all this crap and Kirk talks to him.
Then it’s Christian’s turn to ramble about nothing! He’s basically just saying that he’s sick of the commercialism of Christmas and all that, yet he can’t be bothered to keep it brief.
If this is all the movie is, then this will be one boring review.
“This can not be what God wants”
He also would want you to shut up, but I don’t see you doing that.
Kirk tells Christian that everything he said is all wrong. For once, I want someone in this to go into detail, so please do so. Instead he rambles some more about how Christian is ruining everything for everyone.
“Explain to me how that Christmas party, honors and glorifies Jesus”
Yes, please, get this story going! We’re 20 MINUTES IN and nothing has happened!
Suddenly, we cut to a Nativity Snowglobe as Kirk rambles about why it’s valuable. This basically means going into detail on shit no one cares about. He’s just describing the nativity setting, there’s really no need to tell us single little thing about it!
He finally cuts to the case, about Jesus being born and all that good stuff. He has focus on a cloth, which is easily the most exciting part of the film so far. This kind of starts to relate to the Jesus story, but it’s certainly taking a while to get to the point.
“A Baby who came to die’
This movie is totally deep, guys.
Christian got something out of that tirade, so that means we’re done, right? …Of course not, because we cut back to the party with the black guy and some other guy talking about the “War on Christmas”.
Which just leads to the black guy rambling about nothing. I know, you must be shocked. Wait, I think it’s the black guy. Both characters are covering their mouths with their mugs, but are still talking, and the camera is going in and out of focus because….art?
Actually, the whole movie so far has some pretty shitty camera work, even for a lower budget production.
“I saw it on Fox News, so you know it’s true”
Easy Targets FTW!
We awkwardly cut back to Kirk and Christian as Kirk is about to explain how Christmas Trees tie into Jesus. But first, let’s bring up the “Jesus wasn’t born in December” stuff. Come on, it’s better than just forgetting about his birthday like in a bad sitcom.
“Where in the bible, Christmas trees I’m waiting”
Shut up and maybe he’ll explain!
Kirk brings us to a tree lot, and pretty much tells us that trees connect to Jesus because God made trees and stuff. What a deep observation that no one else could have thought of.
By the way, for a movie made to bring Christmas back to it’s religious roots, it’s oddly trying to defend our traditions by connection to Jesus. Infact, the guy sick of this commercial stuff is seen as Scrooge so far.
I don’t get it.
Kirk then ties Adam and Eve into it, in the most weirdly shot scene so far. It’s just Adam holding the apple, but it’s shot like a pretentious art film, when he’s just explaining normal shit.
Also, all of these connections are just becoming futile and silly. He says empty trees are like an empty cross. So how is a tree positive now that it’s connected to what Jesus died on?
“That’s pretty cool”
Pfft. I love that. He goes into whole spiel and that’s all he has to say. But now time to connect Santa. Oh, this one is easy, actually. Santa does push similar ideals, and he’s basically Jesus to most kids.
So any dumb connections will make a bit more sense. …Unless they point out the Santa/Satan thing.
“Rearrange the letters, Satan”
Also, Christian is starting to become annoying. Half the time he rambles for like a minute before Kirk can get a word in. Wait, why am I bitching about not being able to hear Kirk Cameron?
“It’s like a car jacking, but of our religion”
That one metaphor lasts like 10 seconds. See what I mean about the rambling? Kirk finally starts narrating again, this time about how Santa was a bad dude, in the good way. Don’t try to be cool, Kirk.
“I want you to imagine this a little more…Lord of the Rings-y”
We then cut to a woman telling a dude that “he” is here. “He” is Saint Nicolas, and I’m sure all the history Kirk spouts is wrong. I’m too lazy to look it up, because this movie is bad enough on it’s own.
Some guy went around bad mouthing Jesus, and St. Nick had enough of his “babbling”. Finally, someone who is on the audience’s side!
Kirk tells us that he put that guy to shame with his words, and…he also beat him up. We….almost see it. By that I mean it randomly cuts to black every second as he’s hitting him.
It’s supposed to look cool, but it just looks shoddy. For the amazing act of beating up a guy he disagrees with, he was Sainted. His legends spreads all over the world, and he started to do the Santa thing, with the creepiest smile imaginable.
That insane story shuts Christian up, so we can have an incredibly long pause.
“Santa…is the man!”
Christian finally admits he’s wrong and Kirk Cameron is the best person ever, bow down to him! Wait, we already done with the goal of the movie? We’re now 52 minutes in and this film is at least 75 or so minutes long!
After more rambling, Christian decides he will go back to the party and admit he’s wrong.
“Now see Christmas through new eyes”
He drops the floor and slides over to the presents….because ….uh…
“Sometimes you have to be brought low, to be humbled”
What he said.
“The tree of life, made available by the conquering blood of Jesus”
Oh yeah, I want to connect the tree in my house to Jesus’s blood. By the way, this is said during another rambling session. He’s basically telling us that Jesus is amazing or some shit like that.
So yeah, after just one guy telling him some nonsense, he loves Christmas and goes crazy over it. To be fair, I’d go crazy after listening to him too. Kirk goes on about the same shit he’s been talking about the whole movie, this time just telling you to realize everything is about Jesus and yada yada yada.
How are we not done yet?!
Christian finishes his tirade off by apologizing to his wife. Hey something resembling human emotion, nice!
“If you were writing this story, what would you have happen?”
I would have Godzilla come and kill everyone. …Hey, you asked.
Instead of kissing his wife, Christian starts a…hip hop number. ….What. I….was not expecting that. It is….kind of amazing in how stupid it is. But it’s….so WTF. Not to mention it has some horrific padding.
We’re done, we’ve learned our lesson, why are you keeping us here?! After like 5 minutes, this part thankfully ends….but we’re still not done!
“Well, that’s why I show up for these parties”
Everyone gathers for the Christmas feast and of course Kirk to go into insane detail on it. My god, who gives a shit, just END IT!
“Don’t buy into the complaint about materialism during Christmas…this is a celebration of the eternal god, taking on a materiel body so it’s right that our holiday is marked with materiel things.”
….You’re kidding right? You sure this isn’t a parody of Christian propaganda? Because….that’s bullshit, and I know jack shit about religion in any way.
While some aspects of the materialism are good, such as buying gifts for people, it’s mostly really bad because it by definition means you care more about items than people.
And that’s especially bad at this time of year. I’m pretty sure God doesn’t want that. But whatever, Kirk says Jesus wills it, so whatever, let’s end this thing.
“All the best to you and your family this Christmas”
Same to you, as long as you stop making shitty movies like this.
Roll credits. Thank god, I never thought I would be glad to see an abrupt ending. Hey, at least the “story’ was-OH MY GOD MID CREDITS SCENES, FUCK MY LIFE.
Oh, it’s just bloopers….because somehow this whole thing wasn’t a blooper. Okay, so that was-A POST CREDITS -WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE NOT MARVEL. It’s just another blooper!
Okay, NOW it’s over. So kids, today we learned that materialism is good because it’s in the name of God! …An intelligent human being wrote this, right?
You know, I was a bit worried this year, because while I’ve done some bad movies, I haven’t reviewed anything especially bad. Nothing stood out as the worst thing I had reviewed this year.
Until now. Thanks Kirk, you topped Adam Sandler. This one is just…wow. At first the goal seemed noble until I looked at the actual thing. But even taking out the moral issues, it’s still poorly made.
This would have worked….better, as a half hour educational (I typo’d and spellcheck suggested “Noneducational. How fitting) piece, because at least then the format would be fine. But it fails when stretched out to 69 (…) minutes without credits.
Nothing happens and there’s pretty much no story to this. That would be fine is the stuff that did happen wasn’t insane, and full of tons of padding. Besides the dance scene, most of the dialogue has a bunch of pauses, which makes every single bit of rambling even worse.
It’s very poorly shot too. This mostly takes advantage of the low budget, but still feels the need to fill it with bad shots and stuff like that.
Then there’s the rambling. It’s just people talking, I’m used to it. But my god, they go into such detail on every single thing, making a 5 minutes scene out of of 2 minutes of materiel. Maybe some people won’t see this, but man I did, and it bugged me.
The acting is competent I suppose, but nothing special.
Then there’s the big moral and religious problem. I know nothing about this, but from what I can tell, pretty much everything is hilariously wrong. But I can’t really confirm everything, since I am not religious in any way.
But even I know most of this is just wrong. The film basically plays out a propaganda piece, and that’s wrong for so many reasons, mostly since it’s supposed to be for families.
I think. It’s rated PG, at least. Look, some elements of Christmas might connect to Jesus through the ideals, but not through the specifics elements like he suggests. In the end, he pretty much says commercialism of Christmas is okay, because it’s in the name of Jesus.
Yeah, I’m sure all those people who have been injuried during Black Friday were hurt in the name of God.
MAYBE he didn’t quite it mean it like that way, but he may as well be saying that. This whole thing is just messed up. But….like a lot of people say….yeah, it’s kind of worth seeing.
While it’s no NFL Rush Zone or Rapsitte Street Kids, it’s so insane and stupid, that it’s tons of fun to make of. It’s even funnier if you actually know about the religious stuff he’s talking about.
Even all the rambling makes this fun in how torturous and dull it is. It’s not my favorite So Bad It’s good film, but it does fall under that category, because it’s just so crazy. It’s not quite as insane as I heard it was, but it did live up to my expectations.
But yeah, it is easily the worst film I reviewed this year, and objectively one of the worst of all time. It’s shot poorly, it’s padded to hell, and the morals are beyond screwed up. It does pretty much everything wrong, and in the best way possible.
It’s worth checking out for what it does, but it’s still pretty bad.
Well, that made up for last year. Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, everyone! No matter what you celebrate, and why you do so, have a happy holiday season and all that. Honestly, the details aren’t important to me. As long as you’re celebrating stuff like family and being good, than you’re doing it right.
No matter what films like this say.
See ya next time as we if the Disney Channel can cure the Christmas blues, again.