Hello, Spongey here.
Well, I have reviewed the main 4 Paranormal Activity films. So I was kind of required to review this new spin off film once it came it. I really don’t want to, but I suppose I must at this point. Besides, this review has been delayed by a full year, thanks to my problems last year.
I’d go over my thoughts on the other ones, but it’s a spin off, so It has nothing to do with anything. I’ll just say I have had fun mocking this series, while also praising it when it does something right. Even if the 4th one did nothing right.
This franchise seems to be dying though. I mean, the 5th entry was pushed all the wya to October of this year. A pointless spinoff released in January (The infamous dump month) and the the 5th film pushed to 3 years later? Dang!
Yes, I will review it but at this point, I’m skeptical. Speaking of being skeptical, I’ve heard…mixed things on this one. It’s a spin off that is set before the first one (So before 2007) so chances are, it wouldn’t be too special compared to the other films.
Some thought it was an interesting change of pace, that managed to be slightly better than the lesser installments, while some hated it. Most would agree it’s nothing amazing, though. Doug Walker was not kind to it, and he sort of liked the 4th one. Yes, really. I don’t get it either.
As long as it’s better than the 4th one (you just need to make sense to be better), I think this won’t be too bad. …It’s from the writer of the 4th one?. …And the 3rd one. Well, I’m confused. Will it be awesome or crappy?
Guess I’ll have to shut up and start it, and I’m gonna do that. Let’s see how the first film of 2014 fares this time.
This, is Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones
(Yes, the demon is letting me do this, cuz if you recall, he asked me to do it. Gotta keep up with my own continuity, you know?)
The movie opens at a High School Graduation.
“This isn’t a time of endings”
Yeah, the movie just started!
After the most cliché speech I’ve ever heard, we get some banter with this kid and his family. Are found footage movies just an excuse to have dumb banter? Whatever, I’ve seen worse.
“Mom would’ve been proud to see you graduate”
Not gonna pull out the pic again but…EXPOSITION!
We’re at home now, and they are having a party with Salsa because they are Latino and we need to be told that via Stereotypes!
After some pointless scenes, Jesse, our “hero” introduces us to his neighborhood. He acts all dick-ish and annoying, so I really can’t care about anything that happens. Even the standards of these movies, this banter and stuff is getting tired.
Where is that “change of pace” I keep hearing about? Dumbass banter is dumbass banter, no matter what the setting is.
Thankfully, something happens as we found out about his creepy neighbor, Anna. They see one of their friends leaving her apartment, but they think nothing of it. Well, something creepy is gonna happen soon.
After even more annoying banter (and I really mean annoying), they accidentally spy on Anna and see her painting something on a girl. Looks like a Mannequin from my angle, but we’ll see. The girl is naked, but so is Anna.
“My boner is gone forever”
That was…kind of funny.
The next day, we have more banter that almost seems important, but really isn’t. We have a bit where a little kid, the brother I think, knocks on Anna’s door to piss her off, and it’s just annoying and pointless.
I suppose this sort of place is different from the typical stuff we see in these films, but with the typical banter, it’s hard to really care., you know? It’s the middle of the afternoon as I type this, so I’m not tired, if that is what you’re thinking.
That night, Anna is found dead and police swarm her place. They suspect Oscar, that friend, cuz he left her place not too long before she died. But wait, our…heroes recorded her doing weird stuff after that, so they have evidence of his innocence!
…Yeah, they just drop it and forget about that fact. Bah. Instead, they sneak into her apartment to find out what is going on. I’ve only used it in two previous reviews, and the “Well, they’re dead” joke is feeling old. Dang.
They actually don’t get killed, but they do find a bunch of stuff and bring it home to look at. They find a Journal of spells which isn’t too helpful. It gives them instructions on how to open a temporal portal, and they decided to try it out because….reasons!
But seriously, in what world in this a good idea?
They try it out and of course, creepy things happen. It’s something interesting but at this point, I don’t care. Nothing too odd seems to happen, but they suddenly wake up the next day and think all of that is dream. Then they discover Jesse has a weird mark on his arm and blood on his bed. T
hat was actually kind of interesting. Too bad it’s followed by a reminder of how annoying these characters are. All of this banter switches from chamring to annoying, at a breakneck speed. But at this point, all the charm is going away since we’ve had so much of it at the 34 minute mark.
Anyway, now they are playing Simon cuz…reasons. That night, Jesse hears weird noises and we get a “creepy” scene with him walking around. This bit ends with a JUMP SCARE. We’ve had a couple so far, by the way. Sigh.
The noise was just his Dad or some shit. WE cut to the next day, so that scene is pointless. Sorry I”m so grumpy, I’m just getting a little tired of this crap by the 5th freaking movie. That night, Jesse and his friend are attacked by two thugs. They get roughed up and we cut to the next day. Whew, I’m glad they stopped before something interesting happened!
Instead, we get more Simon cuz…why not? After that, Jesse finds out he has weird superhuman powers now. For one, he can float, as he falls back and stays in the air without hitting the ground.
So now this is Chronicle….if it sucked.
With this in mind, they dick around some more. They post a video showing off his powers because they are complete idiots. Thankfully, no one in the comments believes them. Yep, we get a segment mocking Youtube comments.
“They sit in their basements jacking off to R Kelly videos”
…This is now the best movie ever made. That night, they go a party because this movie has given up on having an interesting plot. That or they want to rip off Project X now.
Jesse meets a hot chick, and he brings her over to Ana’s place to have sex. Cuz there’s one place that’s perfect for sex, it’s an old witch’s apartment. He leaves the camera on in the room cuz…sex tape?
He leaves to do something, and she is attacked by someone who comes through a trapdoor.Who comes out? Oscar, who tells Jeese he killed Anna. Dun dun dun!
“She changed me”
Whoa, this guy is actually creepy!
After some talk, Oscar jumps out the window and kills himself. Of course, the only creepy part doesn’t even last like 2 minutes. The next day, they head down the trapdoor to see if they can find anything.
They find weird witch stuff, as well as pictures of Jesse as a baby, and Jesse’s Mom, when she was preggo with him. And she is with Anna in the picture. Well, that’s interesting.
Jesse thinks Anna had something to do with his Mom’s death, and he pitches this theory to his Dad. He doesn’t buy it, let’s move on. Jesse starts acting weird and moody, which is not sitting well with his friend whose name I don’t care about. This mood causes him to pick a fight with some dude in the middle of a store.
After all of that, Jesse talks about how weird he’s feeling, and oh my god, this is getting interesting. Get it away! …And we cut to more Simon. I WAS JOKING!
Speaking of Simon, there’s something I forgot to mention, cuz I forgot all about it. They are using Simon Says to talk to Ghosts and it’s working.
This horror movie is using Simon Says as a way to talk to ghosts. …What. We’re supposed to take this seriously, right? At least to an extent? I mean, I can sit with the Kinnict stuff but this? Really?
God, they really are out of ideas.
Jesse’s friend visits him later on and he is even more distant now. Concerned, they do a bit of research and someone tells them that Jesse was marked by a coven of witches. He is a marked one, just like the title said!
This explanation is randomly interrupted by a cut to the next scene. Stupid found footage. Jesse is found later being a dick with his powers. Then THIS scene is randomly interrupted. Geez, let a scene actually end!
Jesse’s concerned grandmother visits a botánica and tries to cleanse Jesse. Well, I will say this is somewhat interesting in concept, which is more than I can say for most of 4. But of course Jesse gets fussy and won’t let them do this.
This leads to a bunch of loud noises, which almost becomes a bit creepy. Jesse then just falls down and is put in bed. Excellent pay off. …That was sarcasm. Although this bit make up for that: The next morning, they see that Jesse has pushed Grandma down the stairs.
Jesse vanishes, but they suspect he will be at where the witches are said to have their final ritual. Good, then we are almost done here. However, Jesse instead randomly pops up on the street later as he ambushes them. They take him out but a van shows up and takes him.
Okay, so it seems like a few cool things are finally happening, with some build up. …I’m not even gonna pretend like it’s going anywhere.
With that, they decide go to the ritual place. Of course after some poking around, they attack by a jump scare. One guy I don’t know/care about it is killed but they are able to ward to the witches off for a bit as they hide inside.
After more jumps scares, not much happens while this one guy wanders around until Jesse appears, which is almost creepy. He runs through a door…and randomly finds himself in an unfamiliar house.
He finds a girl who is not happy to see him.
Uh-oh. I heard about this but I finally got to it. Yep, he has been transported back in time to the first movie. This movie has time travel ….
Yeah, this is…stupid. I’m a bit mixed, actually. I mean, we have witches so time travel isn’t too far off…but it’s so dumb. A clear sign they were just out of ideas. It could have been an interesting idea, but in this context it’s just so lame.
Not to mention it means more Micah. Yaaaaay.
Micah attacks him but Katie randomly stabs him to death.. …Well, okay I take back my last statement. The camera falls and down and something happens off screen. Okay, so what is going on? What’s the point of the time travel? Where’s Jesse?
Man, I can’t wait to see how they answer these ques-
Ugh. I’m used to these movies ending when they get good but…wow. Just like Part 4, this is like a non ending. It doesn’t end. It just…stops. Are we EVER gonna get answers?!
To be fair, this is a spin off, not meant to be a direct entry in the srires…which is why it’s dumb to have a cliffhanger like this! Whatever.
Yeah, that was worth waiting a year to finish. To be fair, it wasn’t horrible but it was pretty pointless. It didn’t add much to the series in the end. Oh, there’s Witches behind all this? Figured.
But even on it’s own, it’s just kind of lame. There are some good ideas, a few decent actors, and a few good scares, but that hardly makes up for everything else. They use a lot of the same things that annoyed me with the previous films, and it’s more annoying here.
We have dumb banter, bad dialogue, jump scares, and a Non Ending that raises more questions than it answers. The setting hardly changes anything. The only new stuff…is well the only interesting stuff.
The concept of him being marked is cool and they do a few creepy things….but only a few. It seems like it cuts before things actually get interesting. They don’t even use his powers that much.
It just made me wanna watch Chronicle again, honestly.
The characters are mostly a bit boring, and the one that had potential is more or less wasted. This movie is full of wasted potential. As a stand alone movie, it could have been cool to see a kid deal with being marked and stuff.
But its dragged down by being forced to connect with the main film series…which it fails to do until the end anyway. Wikipedia says a few connections I didn’t catch which tells you how the good the film is at pointing them out.
The ending is the worst part . Once again, it ends before we find out anything. It was annoying enough before, but it’s even worse here. To be fair, I didn’t expect too many answers in a spin off, but it still had no ending.
I can see why someone would like it this and ignore it’s issue, but I just couldn’t get into it. It was too much of the same, and I am getting sick of it. If you like it, that’s fine but I did not.
It’s not awful and has some decent bits but overall, it’s just very weak and pointless. I really hope the new one is good. It’s supposed to be the last one, and give us all the answer our questions.
I really hope they aren’t lying this time…
I’m glad to at least be done with this series for now. Next time, we close off our Halloween reviews for a slightly divisive “Classic”.