Genie in a Bikini

I Dream of a better movie.

I Dream of a better movie.

Hello, Spongey here.

There’s no doubt that Disney and Nick are bitter rivals, and like most rivals, that try to one up each other. Disney has tried to cash in on Nick trends (Snookums and Meat) but more often it’s Nick who copies Disney.

Recently, at least it seems that way. Which is funny, cuz there’s an episode of iCarly where an obvious Disney Channel knockoff rips off iCarly, which some see as Dan projecting a bit, saying Disney ripped him off in some way.

That’s a great episode, by the way for how its mocks Disney sitcoms. But is it weird how things changed. In recent years, a lot of Nick’s live action shows have tried to copy the Disney formula.

You know, like how everyone is copying the MCU Formula. Wait, Disney owns Marvel now…huh. Besides the general feel of some shows being like Disney Sitcoms, the whole formula of how things work at Nick is a lot like Disney.

They dropped the star singing thing a bit ago but we got actors appearing in multiple shows and building up said actors gradually. Like Disney does. It’s weird how they went in this direction, but it seems to work since most of the shows are hits now.

I can’t say I dislike this since I can say I like The Thundermans way more than Nicky Ricky Dicky whatever. But at the same time, it is kind of dumb. And since they rip off Disney with shows, it’s only fitting they would make their own movies.

Yep, for a while Nick has made its own original movies to compete with Disney. It’s not even a new thing. Remember Cry Baby Lane? Then of course we’ve had stuff like Gym Teacher the Movie and Last day of Summer, the latter of which I would have reviewed already if I could find it.

But recently I’ve taken a bit of issue with these movies./ Lately, they seem ot be ripping off Disney more directly with how fast they make them. I’m fine with stuff like Swindle, but in 2014 and this year we’ve had had last 5 in rapid successions.

The problem is that they come out way too fast, and they seem to come and go. We get like a few ads for it, and once it airs, it’s never seen again. Disney puts a lot of effort into marketing their movies, even after they’ve sired.

Nick, not so much. The fact that the films themselves look less interesting doesn’t help matters. But I’ll let stuff like Splitting Adam slide,since it looks kind of okay. Today’s target? Not so much.

I didn’t really care about Zapoed one way or the other, and yet I thought this one looked awful. That gives you an idea of how good this is gonna be. Like the other films I mentioned, this came and went.

I remember the ads, and how they used the title to trick you into thinking it was gonna be good until the lead popped up. The fact that the title sounds like a porn doesn’t make it better…nor does the fact that there IS a porn with a similar title.

I was not looking forward to this. But hey, I can’t judge something before I saw it.

So let’s give it a chance, and see if it’s any good. The director has done work for Awesomness TV, and one writer did nothing, while the other has worked on Modern Family Guy.

…Let’s just see how this thing is.

This, is Genie in a Bikini

The film starts with credits playing over shots of the main character’s room. …Wow, they really do rip off Disney. It actually opens with our main character getting ready in the morning via dumb montage.

Our main female character and nerdy male friend meet up and head to their first day of Jr High. The female character goes on about trying to fit with the cool kid, and already this movie is turning me off. I’m getting wary of all of these clichés and the rushed way this film is doing it, isn’t making it any better.

The nerdy kid immediately gets a crush on some popular bitch, because of course he does. They helpfully tell us that their names are Kris and Jacob. (I assume it’s spelled the girl-y way).

They try to hit off with the cool kids and fail. After their fail, they go to the beach and find a lamp. They rub it and a dude comes out. …Wait, what? How far are we into this?

*5 Minutes*

…What. We’re only minutes 5 minutes in, and at least 1 one of those was used for credits? I know I’ve seen movies that rush their concept out quickly, but they typically wait longer than 5 minutes.

They even pace themselves up to that point. This is just…wow. And I swear I didn’t’ skip anything. It went from school, to beach, to this! I do have a reason to think it may have skipped something but more on that at the end.

The genie is indeed a dude in a bikini and they quickly accept this fast because he smells bad and thus he is real.

Yes.
One quick gag and they are cool with this. They don’t even question why he’s dressed like this, nor is there a reason for him to dress like this. It’s just for a bad gimmick-y title.

“What’s with the Bikini?”

“Because, everyone can see me. I can’t go walking around dressed like a genie”

…Whatever. Matt assumes the kids are dating, when they just friends. …Now they will hook up, right?

“We’ve been friends forever”

“So you were there for the big bang too, how loud was that?”

…Okay, that was funny.

Their first wish is for unlimited wishes…and it works. He says “No one’s ever thought to do that’. Except …no. That’s a common trope for them to wish that only for it to be against the rules.

So we get right into the wishes, which of course go wrong. Jacob wishes for hot fudge sundaes and they have broccoli in them. Matt says there is a genie school but he was kicked out, hence why he sucks.

There’s a lot of things wrong of wrong with that..

Then Kris’s little sister drops is, played by that little sister from Crash and Bernstein. Between this and Russel Madness, she should get a new agent. Of course things get awkward as they have to cover up Matt. They do so but then Matt’s Mom shows up ….Okay.

We then get an example of why Matt sucks as a genie. It’s not funny, moving in. His sister is a better genie, way more fit to wear a Bikini. Christ, all of this is happening so fast. This could work if we had time to know anyone!

It just kind of ends there as move to our heroes at school later on. They plan to wish for the best party ever, and they tell the cool kids about it. They are signed on despite the kids involved.

Later at home, they wish for stuff for their big party. Including the presence of a pop star they accidently promised would be there. Instead of just making this pop up right away with his magic, he puts it on a list saying he will get all of this.

He says he can do it but as he tells his Mom and Sister, he can’t do it. Then that scene just kind of ends. Well, the pacing has slightly improved I suppose, since this is the stuff I expect to happen by the 15 minute mark.

The kids hand out their fliers, and have imagine spots about being famous. Yeah, we know they are gonna learn their lesson about wanting to be popular, so let’s skip this.

After a bit with a talking banana (don’t ask), the little sister goes through the attic to investigate this strange new person and stumbles upon the lam and hides when the other kids pop up. The little sister is forces to run away before she can figure out anything. I’m use she won’t pop up again.

….And then she does a few minutes later, as she sees Matt doing genie stuff. Well that was quick. He panics and they end up in his lamp. He leaves, pretty much abandoning the little girl. What a great guy.

So then we cut to the big party. I guess It wasn’t our big 3rd act scene after al if it’s only 22 minutes in. Guess it’ll start a new chain of events leading to a bigger climax. Things go well until problem arises, so they ask Matt to get them their promised pop star.

He can’t do it so they are doomed. Of course this is where the sad part comes in, as Matt feels bad for being a poor genie. Hmm…well I’ve seen worse attempts at this but it’s still pretty forced.

Mart leaves right there and the news gets out that this party sucks. But instead of telling them the truth, they say that pop star person is stuck in the closet and being idiots, they buy it. So Jacob has to pretend to try to get her out of the closet.

….That came out wrong. Meanwhile, the little sister and Matt’s sister get along pretty well while Matt is crying. You know, I like that the kids didn’t get mad at him or anything. Matt is the one that decided he sucks and left. Most movies would make the kids unlikable and while they still aren’t the best, at least they took the high road in this regard.

It’s at this point when his sister decides to be nice and comfort him. To fix this problem, they have Matt dress up as the pop star person instead of using the female genie they already have. The “smart’ characters came up with this plan, guys.

Because he isn’t boo’d right away, he sings. It’s as painful as it sounds.

“Mistakes!”

Too easy.

This fools everyone because everyone is a moron.

“Are they death? Blind?”

Pointing out your stupidity doesn’t make it less stupid. So the party is saved thanks to Matt’s sister and the main character’s sister. He pretty much did nothing but do what people asked him to do, and he didn’t do it with magic.

So yeah, we learned nothing, pretty much.

“I put a spell on them”

…Oh, never mind. Now I can bitch about how magic won the day instead of hard work….but then I would just be too easy to please. Although I can say that it’s dumb how they archived their goal of being popular when being popular with douche-y kids who can’t accept them for who they are isn’t exactly the best thing.

Not to mention the got their happiness here thanks to some good ol’ lying and trickery. But whatever, I don’t care.

The next day, they got to the cool table only to get rejected. Yes, even after all that they reject them because they are jerks. …Okay, disregard my complaints. It makes these guys very odd in how they are written but whatever, as long as bad morals as not involved.

Matt pops up and turns one dick kid into a frog. Yeah, he’s good at magic now because…reasons. But anyway, with him as a frog, they can have the table. They better not keep him that way forever or bad morals will come back into play.

Also, I think only that one guy hated them cuz the other cool kids show up, and are fine with them. Whatever.

Matt realizes he left the little sister in his lamp (not sure how no one noticed this until now..) and goes to get her and erase her memory of him. He goes into her mind and changes her memory. They only did this to put in some gags about her obsessions and her “soft side/’ which is…almost funny.

This whole bit is pointless either way.

“And that’s why I’m a great genie”

“You’re a genie?!”

Wah wah. The end. …Wait, what? …Huh? I’m used to abrupt endings but seriously? There wasn’t’ a satisfying enough closure for Matt’s ‘arc” or anything like that. It works a bit better than some other endings but the film itself felt rushed.

And there’s a reason. That thing we just went through? It was only 42 minutes long. …Seriously. Most DCOM’s, and even some nick movies are at least an hour or so. This is as long as a Video Brendquedo movie or something.

I’ll go into detail on how this affects the product, but it is pretty dumb even with all the excuses you can throw at me. Let’s just wrap this up.

Final Thoughts:

Well…that was …interesting. This has been of the odder experiences I’ve had on here, even the movie was fairly tame. By the way, I checked out and most of the other real recent Nick movies had been of normal length, so this one is an odd man out. The only explanation I can think of is that was a pilot for a show.

But there’s been no announcement for a show of this at the moment so that doesn’t hold up until this is confirmed. If it never happens, we can add this to the never ending list of Nick’s mistakes. It wouldn’t shock me though since ‘The Massively Mixed Up Middle School Mystery” gonna be a show and it was not announced as a show before it aired and it was shorter than this.

But even as a pilot movie, it doesn’t work too long. Even the 100 things to do before high school pilot movie felt like an actual movie and had an actual story that was decently written. Hell, stuff like FOP’s Channel Chasers was a better movie and that was technically just an episode!

This thing was really…underwhelming, to say the least. For one, the title is just a lame gimmick and they barely take advantage of the main concept. A Goofy Genie is an okay idea for a tween movie but they only do a few comedic things with it and just waste time on a lame story.

This film’s main problem is that it is really rushed. It fills up the time better than I expected but every aspect is rushed.

The main arc is really poorly handled. Matt is a screw up as a genie and then he doesn’t really get better and he only helps when his sister gets a plan to fix things. The main conflict with the party took center stage over the actual story.

I’m not a fan of the “Screw up with a heart of gold” cliché but this doesn’t even get the basics right. They don’t get mad at him which is fine but it makes for a weak conflict. The actual story is pretty cliché and it follows every predictable beat.

But I can forgive that since this isn’t mean to be anything huge. Btu the only interesting arc is rushed so why should I care? The Comedy is pretty lame but honestly nothing was too awful despite the trailers promising awful-ness.

They just don’t use the main gimmick very well, instead opting for focus on a lame story. The runtime is no excuse to half ass your story. The characters are pretty weak too. The leads are just really generic with no personality to speak of.

They are tolerable but there’s not much to latch on to here. Matt isn’t the worst but he tries too hard and I can’t like him too much. Everyone else is just there, with the little sister sadly being the highlight in the cast.

Not much about the film is really horrible but I dislike it for how rushed it is. It doesn’t really like an actual movie. Just a rushed product with barely any story or character depth to speak of. The whole thing feels really cheap and rushed.

I said that the recent nick movies did look quite rushed, but I just meant in terms of marketing. They seemed like enough effort went into them but it turns out they are as rushed as they look. I can only imagine what One Crazy Cruise is like.

Being a pilot movie could excuse this, but I see no proof of this, and even by those standards, this feels. I can let a lot of Nick’s mistakes slide, but this shows why they should let Disney make the TV movies.

Jinxed and Swindle were okay and those others don’t look that bad, but this and the Fred and FOP Trilogies really show how much they care about making quality films. Although I can’t really angry at Nick in a general, for reasons I will get into some other time.

So yeah, this movie wasn’t as painful as I feared but it was still not very good. It’s incredibly rushed with a short runtime, weak story and very flat characters. This premise should have at least made it interesting, but instead it was really weak and boring.

Yawn.

Grade: D-

Next time, let’s do something I can enjoy. Not exactly something good, but something I can enjoy at least.

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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