Barbie Month: A Pony Tale

Barbie is Magic

Barbie is Magic

Hello, Spongey here. Welcome back to Barbie Month!

…I don’t have much for this one. Before our finale, I figured I’d jump ahead a bit to the amazing world of 2013. We saw the modern era started, so I wanted to see how it stands after a few years.

…And because I was amazed that they made a pony movie after all the pony connections. Since this came out “recently”, most of these are now intentional. They have to be.

Outside of that, I have nothing to say before we jump in. The director has done nothing, and our writers have a couple more Barbie movies…and an episode of Time Warp Trio.

Okay.

The only thing to note is that Kelly Sheridan is back as Barbie, as Aria got booted out starting with Mermaid Tale 2. Yes, Barbie movies have their own freaking sequels.

Also, this one has no Wikipedia page, so you know it’s good! I’m forced to rely on the Barbie Wiki because of course that’s a thing.

With that out of the way, let’s see if these movies get any better or just get worse. Let’s also see if I can avoid any obvious jokes.

This, is Barbie & Her Sisters in A Pony Tale

The movie opens with Barbie and her sisters, Skipper (Insert Masked Mutant joke here), Stacie, and Chelsea, arriving at Aunt Marlene’s Alpine Academy in the Alps for a month long horseback riding vacation.

Barbie has like 50 cool aunts at this point. Anyway, Chelsea is no one, Stacie is Sweetie Belle, and Skipper is Adagio. Sorry, too late to complete the Dazzlings. They are greeted by two of their cousins, voiced by Tabitha St Germain and Shanon Chen Kent. Tabitha’s character is a boy. Yeah.

They go to their rooms and they mention Barbie’s house and some tournament.

“You’re only the best rider on the West Coast”

*exposition*

Also, Skipped is distracted by technology, because of course she is. The rest go to pick their horses.

“The horses pick you”

Deep. The horse that picks Chelsea is named…Dash. Okay, I knew this might have creepy parts but come on! Dash is even a pony instead of a horse.

“But she’s so little”

But she’s your small equine! …Wait.. I should mention that the cousins have British accents and we just met their riding master, who has a French accents. They aren’t all that pleasant due to their Canadian voice actors.

They are then approached by two guys from a rival academy, who are of course snooty assholes. They say stuff and they leave. Okay then. Barbie has a hard time picking a horse and eventually settles on one.

What a riveting story so far.

The next morning, they are woken up by a goat. Naturally. A bit later, they head out on their horses and Barbie thinks she sees a magic white horse. That night, she notices that the Academy’s logo has that horse on it. According the French guy, the horse is from an ancient fable about a herd called the Majestique. No one thinks they are real.

Okay cool, it only took you like 18 minutes to get to something interesting. There hasn’t been a whole lot of plot up to this point. Also, he says some paintings of them proves nothing because there exist painting of faires and mermaids.

It’s funny cuz Barbie met both of those things. Wait, is this “canon” with the post Fashion Fairy Tale movies? I know that French critic actually appears in another one but that’s about it.

Then his brother pops up to basically tell us what we already know: The horse ain’t real. He leaves and then we cut to the next morning, I think. He had a point. Barbie bumps into some wolves but is saved by the white horse. Oh he exists, what a shock. He leaves and later on Barbie looks for him.

She finds him stuck inside some rocks, because even majestic magic horses aren’t perfect.

“You’re bleeding!”

Whoa, keep it G, Barbie. She helps him and leaves. I just realized how boring this plot it is. The magic horse is cool but they aren’t exactly doing anything cool with it so far. We also have subplots with the sisters, which aren’t adding much so far.

We then get a montage of Barbie bonding with the white horse, set to our obligatory forgettable pop tune. Meanwhile, the Aunt person tells Skipper that she may have to sell the academy. If they win the big race, they’ll have enough money to keep things float.

…So the main location of the film, owned by an Aunt, will be sold unless they make enough money and get new visitors by a certain day. …We just did this in Fashion Fairytale. It’s the same conflict. Did they seriously think we wouldn’t notice?

So the only thing that counts as interesting here is some of the stuff with the sisters, which isn’t that exciting either. Yay. Skipper tells Barbie about this, and she says that Barbie should enter the race with Majesty (the horse got a name, yay) so they can win. I’m pretty sure using a magic horse is cheating.

Barbie says no because she’s afraid that once people know who she is, Majesty’s kind will be hunted down. They’ll just have to win the boring way. After that, Barbie gives Stacie a speech on how to control her horse cuz yeah, the sisters are still important. She bonds with the horse incredibly quickly after that. It’s almost like that plot was pointless or something.

With that, the Tournament starts but it’s a multi-day and multi even thing so it’s not a big deal that we’re only 44 minutes in. At the end of Day 1, Alpine Academy and École Montagne are tied for first place.

There’s a ball that night because we gotta pad out this movie somehow. Also, Skipper hooks up with that Snooty guy. Barbie is surprised the others didn’t see that coming. It was poorly foreshadowed so for once the movie pointing out its own predictably doesn’t work.

While all of that nothing is going on, the riding master guy’s brother let’s all the horses out because he’s evil now I guess. Chelsea snuck out to ride a big horse, which ends with the French riding master guy getting his arm hurt so he can’t compete. So it was Chelsea who helped sabotage the thing instead of the guy letting the horses out. He’s lame.

Okay, the horses leaving is a problem to but that other thing would be a problem even if he failed. One guy happens to know how to track them so he heads out to find them. They search all night and fail to find the horses, but Barbie gets reason to believe Majesty found them and took them to her place, and yep, that is the case.

Another problem easily solved by the writers.

They take the horses back and bump into Phillippe, that brother guy. It turns out he always knew that the magic horses were real and now he has a general idea of where they were. So this was a bug plan to find out where the horses were since he just suspected Barbie knew? A bit convoluted but okay.

The land belongs to other people, but since he thinks they will lose the land after the tournament, he isn’t sweating about it. Dude, you’re evil, who owns the land should irrevealnt since you’re gonna do illegal stuff anyway.

They arrive at the tournament and Barbie rides for them with the French guy out of commission. Because of course she does cuz she’s perfect at everything. Naturally, Phillippe does some dirty tricks and of course no one can see it but Barbie.

“Barbie Roberts is down!”

…Barbie has a last name? My mind is blown.

Barbie easily gets back on her horse, because he didn’t count on her…being able to get up. Barbie wins and he is foiled. Yeah, didn’t think it would take any effort in the slightest.

Riding Master Guy chews out Phillippe but it’s treated like a brotherly spat instead of a real villain defeat. Man, these villains are so lame. Hell, his freaking mother shows up to give him a time out….okay that’s funny.

With that, the Academy is saved and they find out the horse legend is true which has no real effect on anything. It’s amazing how little I care about anything. The sisters’ subplots are hastily wrapped up (Skippers likes the snooty guy, Chelsea likes her little pony, and Stacie uh…did stuff) they say their goodbyes.

Barbie lets majesty go cuz she has to be with her kind and all that. They only just introduced the concept of keeping her so the “love something=set it free” thing doesn’t really work.

With that rushed goodbye, everyone finally leaves. Also, the goat took their boarding passes. Hilarious. The End. Yep, abrupt ending. Figured but even by the standards of these movies that was a lame ending. It’s like no one really cared about this thing except the voice actors. This review was lame to match.

Final Thoughts:

Well, we’re back to boring movies that give me little to talk about. It had a bit more to discuss than Nutcracker but it’s still pretty empty. I know most of the Barbie films are filler, but they could bother to make a proper movie sometimes.

The problem with this one is the plot. The main focus is pretty weak and everything else is even weaker. The main story deals with some magic horse, but they barely develop Barbie’s relationship with it, so when they do that cliché it doesn’t work.

Everything is underdeveloped here, and the big conflict feels weak. With the last two, I could almost care about what was going on. Not so much here. The voice actors do a way better job at making me interested than the actual writing.

They attempt some heart but in the end the weak writing gets the best of them. They are some cool things but that’s about it. On the bright side, the animation has improved again even if it’s still not the best.

The characters are a bit better than in some others, but they are still boring. Barbie is…well Barbie so she’s boring. The sisters are sort of amusing but doesn’t get a lot to do. Their subplots really don’t amount to anything. Skipper hooks up with a guy. That’s all you get.

The villain is especially lame even if his bad French accent makes him kind of amusing. It’s worth noting the movie is only 67 minutes long, which could be part of why it’s weak. It’s actually the closest to being “Bad” so far even though I consider it to be a bit better than Nutcracker at least.

The writing is just so weak and it feels like it was rushed out. …It was but that’s not the point. It’s still not painful but after I finished it, I thought less of it. –It also had less pony actors to mock which sucks given the subject matter. At least we had Dash.

Overall, this is another weak Barbie movie that has some especially weak writing. However, it’s still not terrible and it’s not too annoying. I only did it for the obvious reason. It’s….a Barbie movie so I shouldn’t have expected more.

Grade: C-

Well, we’re in the home stretch. Only one more to go. Now, what shall we do for our grand finale? It’s a very very recent one. And…well, Barbie has always been capitalizing on popular trends, so it’s only logical she’d do a pretty big one. The answer is in this question: What’s the genre of the most notable film to come out this past weekend?

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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