Hello, Spongey here.
Well guys, it’s time to do our first two part review on the new Schedule. The extra time does allow me to do two hours movies easier, but there will still be movies so long I need two posts to contain all of it.
This movie is 157 minutes without credits. Enough said.
I’ve tangled with this franchise a few times before. I did the infamous 2nd film to close out Toon’d Out Month, but I failed to finish it due to time. Thus, my review of the 3rd one was my first 2 part review.
My feelings are well known at this point but here’s the short version: First one is meh, the other two are terrible. It’s well known that I like to defend much mangled people due to me not knowing them in real life and thus not knowing if they are assholes or not. And Micheal Bay is one of the biggest examples of that.
I don’t care how he acts online or whatever, for all I know he could be the nicest guy ever and he just can’t compose himself very well in front of others. Either way, he certainly doesn’t deserve to be called Satan every 5 minutes for the horrible crime of making bad movies.
I think the Transformers Sequels are pretty terrible but even I think this is kind of silly. But whatever, I’m just here to see how bad this new one is. Like everyone else, I groaned at the concept of yet another Transformers movie…especially when I heard the same director and writer were on board.
That’s right, they brought Ehren Kruger back AGAIN. He helped make 3 suck as hard as it did, so why don’t you get a new writer? Anyway, some people were optimism due a single fact:
The cast is all new. Yep, no Megan Fox, no Rosie whatsherface, and no Shia. That seemed like a good sign, and heck, maybe this writer could redeem himself.
And of course, as usual, it made a ton of money. Not only was it the highest grossing film of 2014, it is currently the 10th highest grossing film of all time. The 3rd one still has just a bit more money over this one, but that’s still pretty huge.
Speaking of things that we expect, the critics didn’t like. It has an 18 percent on RT, and the usual people hated it. However, there is something I should point out: People were split. Some people (Doug, Adam J, etc) thought it the worst one so far, while others (Martial Horror, Smeghead) though it was the best, even if it still isn’t good.
That’s…interesting. I’ve heard good arguments for both sides. Will I be on the side of it being the worst, or the side of it being best? Will it be any good at all? I guess we’ll have to find out.
But I will say that it better justify being two and a half fucking hours. My biggest issue with these films is that they are way too long, so making this one longer seems like a bad idea.
But hey, we’ll have to see. Let’s just dive in to this thing and see if those 157 minutes are worth it.
This, is Transformers: Age of Extinction
The movie opens 65 million years ago, as we see some aliens doing some stuff. It then cuts to Present Day at the Artic as some Geologist stumble upon something weird over here. That weird thing is distinctly robotic.
Wait…no Bland Optimus Prime narration? Hey, we’re finally doing something different!
We then cut to Texas, as we meet our new hero, Cade, played by Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, that’s a good choice and I can actually buy him as an action hero. But of course he shows up with his “Comedic Sidekick”, Lucas, played by TJ Miller. Setting it in Texas and having an Actor with that name will not make me go easy on you.
They are at some old Theater, and one of the guys there says this:
“The movies these days, that’s the trouble. Sequels and remakes, bunch of crap”
In the back of the place, Cade finds an old truck. Then we cut to a woman which means she’s our Fan service chick for today. This is Cade’s daughter, Tessa, played by …Not Katara from The Last Airbender.
Well, we have the “Non Acting” part of the role filled in already. Also, it’s really weird to see her as hot now since she I’m so used to her looking young in that movie. Though to be fair, she was likely around 19 or so when this was filmed, meaning she’s here to be an actual character, since Bay doesn’t tend to be that creepy with the fanservice girl. …Hopefully.
“It’s time to get a tan and get wasted!”
Yep, these writers sure know how semi Teenage girls act. She goes home and we see some news reports on the events of Dark of the Moon and how devastating it was. Insert joke referring to the film’s quality here.
It has become known as The Battle of Chicago and it happened 5 years ago. Wait…that movie came in 2011, and all the product placement tells me it took place in 2011 as well. That means this movie takes place in 2016…which really doesn’t seem to be the case so far.
I’m actually more shocked that they didn’t manage to hide it all this time. Guess the guys who handle that were on break.
We cut to some shady guys as they are talking about the aftermath of that battle, and how alien parts are all over the place.
“The age of Transformers is over”
Back in Texas, Cade brings home that old truck which Tessa isn’t happy about. Naturally, we get annoying arguing. But to be honest, there isn’t that much in terms of crappy humor so far. There’s a bit but not nearly as much as the other movies.
“Sweetheart, your shorts are shrinking by the second”
Please don’t draw attention to that…
“I think she looks hot…like a hot…teenager”
We find out Cade is an inventor, and of course he’s the crappy misunderstood kind. Their fight is interrupted by some people showing up to buy the house. Cade is late on his payments and the Realtor thinks that’s a free pass to go selling the house to someone BEFORE they properly foreclose it.
Cuz that’s totally how that works.
Cade’s likability starts to change a bit as he threatens the buyers for the horrible crime of wanting to buy a house and not knowing that someone still owns it.
Instead of calling the cops on him for threatening someone, they just leave. We find out through Tessa that Cade is borrowing power from the Neighbors. So he’s several months late on his payments, barely pays attention to his daughter, and threatens semi innocent people.
…He is the hero, right?
She calls him out on all his crap but he says it’s gonna be fine. These movies really shouldn’t try to do drama because no one ends up likable in the end. I mean, this is your typical Parent/Kid conflict where the Parent seems pretty bad and I fail to really like him. But the daughter is too bitchy to be likable either. Yep, we’re off to a fine start.
“I believe you Dad”
Her acting…has not improved since Last Airbender. It’s not worse, but so far it’s not better.
We cut to some secret CIA Black Ops guys as they are hunting down some transformers. One robot whose name I do not know tells them he is an Autobot and Optimus told them to go into hiding because they are all in danger.
“I lost a sister in Chicago, you have no sympathy from me”
You do know that was all the bad guy Robots fault, right? The Autobots kind of SAVED your asses. They shoot him down and a cry over the loss of a character I barely knew. Wikipedia tells me this is Rachet and he was in the other movies. That shows just how well defined the robots are in these movies.
“Autobots and Decepticons…like little children”
Well, they are toys after all.
We cut to some government guys, as one guy, played by Kelsey Grammar, says they will get rid of all the Transformers, good or bad. Because this isn’t their planet of some shit like that.
Back with Cade, he talks to Tessa about how he won’t let her date but he’ll go ahead and let her go out with her friends right now. Between one session of writing this review and the next, I found out that this character is 17….which makes that pedo comment 10000000 times creepier.
After that, Cade gets back to work on that truck he got. He suspects there’s something odd about it…
“I think we just found a Transformer”
Dun dun dun!
Tessa and the wacky friend (already forgot his name) want to call some Government person to take care of it, but Cade doesn’t trust them. Mostly because he wants to use the tech from the Transformer to make money for his family. Not sure if selfish or noble-ish…
Eventually, the Transformers wakes up and starts trashing the place. Cade calms down and says everything is cool and it turns out that Cade woke up Optimus Prime himself.
I’m not even going to question how he got in that Theater.
Optimus was hurt by a big ambush and took that form to hide. I assume they won’t explain the full context of this ambush or anything like that.
Some Government people find out that Optimus has been found and head out to take care of it. Okay, we have a few decent ideas: Bad humans working for Bad Transformers, Optimus injured…That’s certainly better than the Moon crap in the last one.
They’ll likely ruin it but here’s hoping the rest of the movie is good.
It doesn’t take long for the big bad humans to show up at Cade’s place. I know they are evil because they wear black and their vehicles are black!
They ask him about the truck and of course he denies having any truck.
“You don’t have a Warrant!”
“My face is my warrant”
Yeah, I have nothing to say here. That’s both awesome and really stupid.
They search the place and find nothing, but Cade says he knows nothing about “Him” which tips them off. They threaten Tessa to get info out of him, but of course they don’t believe it when Cade says he honestly knows very little about Optimus’ deal. This bit gets pretty intense, despite how little I care about these characters.
Of course, Optimus pops up and kicks their asses. Naturally, the big ruckus causes lots of explosions. Some dude in a car shows up out of nowhere and tells everyone to inside, and they do.
We get a big epic chase scene that feels like it goes on for a bit too long. Optimuis shows up to help, but this one bad robot’s grenade goes how, leading to a shot with our heroes running in front of an explosion in slow motion.
Yes, shots like that really exist outside of bad parodies.
They get away but sadly one person is killed in the explosion…Lucas. …Wait, what? The Comic relief…dies 45 minutes into the movie?
Holy crap, I have newfound respect for this writer. He wasn’t even THAT annoying, but I’m so glad they got rid of the “wacky” comic relief! I question why he’s even here, since his death is kind of brushed off, but ah well.
Let’s just hope they don’t pull a Mercutio.
They make it to a safe spot, where Optimus tells them they are all targets now. Oh, and you might be wondering who this new random dude is. This is Shane, Tessa’s secret boyfriend. …Cade isn’t happy about that.
He’s also Irish so of course they make lame jokes about that. …Can we get back to the explosions, please?
As it turns out, he is 20 years old. …Tessa is 17. …Okay, what the hell? A joke one is one thing, but now it’s a plot point?!
“We dated while I was a sophomore and he was a Senior, it’s fine”
…It’s still a creepy plot point.
So now Cade is a bit more likable since he calls them out on this, but it’s through a …weird plot point. Plus, it leads to more bickering with him and Tessa. God, now I’m begging for Deep Wang to show up.
Anyway, eventually they head out and try to contact the other Autobots. This works and of all our old friends reunite. Too bad we had to wait 50 minutes.
Oh, and one of them is a Japanese Samurai. Sigh. On the bright side, one of them is voiced by John Goodman.
They all talk and try to figure what is going on and why the Bad Robots are working with Humans.
“I have sworn to never kill humans-“
But brutally murdering your own kind is totally okay-
“but when I find the human behind this, he’s going to die”
So now our friends must gear up in order to go and find out what our baddies are up to. They figure out that some Tech company is in league with the bad guys so that is their next stop.
We cut to that place as the head of it, played by Stanley Tucci, walks in. His female assistant tells him their people have found out that some weird metal may be responsible for the extinction of the Dinosaurs.
First Transformers are why we went to the moon, now they killed the Dinosaurs? Not only will Mr Freeze be pissed, but this is starting to get silly.
We find out that these guys have managed to make their own version of the stuff that makes the Transformers transform. It’s called…Transformium.
…Really, that’s the best you could come up with?
They will use it to create whatever they want out of almost nothing, and they will be evil and rich. Oh, and they have also built Galvatron, which is cool I guess. Stanley isn’t happy with its design which makes him shout a lot.
Our heroes sneak in and we get them bickering some more, which isn’t very fun. Cade and Shane are in disguise as some workers and Cade is not happy with his discovery He tells Optimus about Rachet and he flips his shit. It’s funny.
Cade is discovered and subsequently captured. He talks to the head bad guy who asks Cade where Optimus is. The Autobots storm the place but Stanley Tucci tells them that the Autobots are on longer needed now that they can create Transformers.
“Autobots, we’re done”
…That’s it, he just pusses out? It’s not that big a blow. They can make more robots, so what? Doesn’t make the existing ones useless and normally, these guys would know that!
Our heroes leave but of course the bad guys send their newly created Transformers after them. We get a bunch of action and I will say that this follows Dark of the Moon’s footsteps of having decently shot action scenes. I’ll comment on that at the very end though.
Lockdown, a bounty Hunter Robot from earlier, shows up and shoots down Optimus.
“Who sent you here?”
“Where you think you came from? You think you were born? No. You were built, and your creators want you back”
I think a ROBOT is well aware that he was not born. That’s just weird. Anyway, his ship takes Optimus but Tessa happens to be there because she wanted to help him, so she gets taken too. Woot, another damsel I don’t care about that needs to be rescued.
Naturally, this leads to over dramatic slow motion screaming. Sad times for everyone.
And I think that’s a good place to stop for now. It’s always good to leave you hanging right at the supposedly dramatic and interesting part. Now that we’re about 83 minutes into the movie, it’s time to close things out until next week.
Don’t worry, there won’t be a review in-between like the last couple times. So…
WILL THEY SAVE OPTIMUS PRIME?
WILL CADE SMOOTHE THINGS OVER WITH HIS FATHER?
WILL A 20 YEAR OLD BE ALLOWED TO BANG A 17 YEAR OLD GIRL?
WILL A SINGLE FUCK BE GIVEN?!
SAME TRANSFORMING TIME
SAME TRANSFORMING CHANNEL
TO BE CONTINUED…