Blended

Do you think you can blend Sandler with a funny script? Please?

Do you think you can blend Sandler with a funny script? Please?

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, it’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Adam Sandler on here, hasn’t it? Or at least, it’s been awhile since we’ve looked at a bad one. A couple months ago, I reviewed Click, which was very good.

It’s been an interesting journey with him on this blog, that much is sure. I’ve gone through some stages with him, to the point where I said some rather harsh words in my Grown Ups 2 review.

There’s no doubt that he’s gone off the deep end, but I should probably give his next few movies a shot. After all, I just got off praising a Tinker Bell movie. Anything could be good!

However, I am still allowed to be skeptical, and that’s the case for his latest Comedy, which we shall look at today. Compared to other movies, this didn’t make too big of a splash. It came out, people disliked it, and everyone forgot about it. It made money but not a lot, and people were calling it bomb before it ended up making a lot of money.

And that’s why you don’t count your chickens before they hatch, or whatever. With a 14 on RT, it’s safe to say people did not like it. But I haven’t seen it on a lot of worst lists so…either this one isn’t bad…or I should be really afraid of Bayformers 4.

There isn’t a whole lot to say so let’s go into the “Creative” team. The director brought us Click and the Wedding singer.

“That’s good”

He also did Zookeeper and The Waterboy.

“That’s bad”

We have two writers, one of which did nothing, and the other has worked on Jonas and Phil of the Future. …Not sure which one this film will emulate.

But given who is in it, I can take a wild guess. So will this be another Sandler dud, or will it ended up being passable in any way?

There’s only one way to find out…

This, is Blended

The movie opens at Hooters. Wow, product placement AND exploitation of the female body, and we’re not even a full minute in, counting the logos!

“This is the first date I’ve been on since the divorce and the guy brings me to a Hooters” imageforums.php

This lady is Lauren, played by Drew Barrymore. Something tells me this won’t be as good as Wedding Singer or 50 First Dates. Just a hunch. She’s on a date with Jim, played by Adam Sandler and she doesn’t like it.

He’s barely paying attention to her and her a closer releatship with the waitress. Yep, he’s a lovable scamp already! No, we’re not playing the drinking game again but you should have taken 3 shots already. We’re not even 3 minutes in yet.

They try to hit it off, but naturally, everything goes wrong because Sandler is a dick.

“Out of the many possible reasons, what’s the one your wife left you for?”

“Cancer”

…Ouch.

“Sorry for assuming you were divorced”

“I assumed your husband shot himself, so we’re even”

And all his likability goes out the window. Yay! Sandler decides it’s not worth it and just leaves. Lauren bitches about this to her friend.

They share some dumb banter and make topical jokes about Kim and Kanye. Then Lauren starts randomly crying to get some emotion out of us. And it’s interrupted by a dumb joke where some people see them hug and think they are…yeah.

“Instagram! Facebook!”

…Now that is just lazy.

Meanwhile, Jim is talking to his friend about this while at his job at…Dick’s sporting goods. Product placement and an immature joke. We’re only 9 minutes.

Oh, and his friend is played by Shaquille O Neal. Seriously. Jim is visited by his daughter, Larry, played by Bella Thorne. I’ve been over this a few times but seriously, she got the short end of the stick here.

Her name is actually Hilary and Jim calls her Larry…cuz he’s a dick. She has a tomboy look so of course people mistake her for a man.

Back with Lauren, we see her with her Ex-Husband, played by Joel Mchale. Sigh. Needless to say, he’s a bit of deadbeat Dad and he’s also a dick.

We cut to “Larry” (it’s faster to type) as she is …stuffing her bra. And that is something I did NOT need to see. Thanks, guys. And then Larry accidentally comes in and sees this.

“I didn’t see anything!”

‘Thanks a lot!” “

I mean, there was plenty to stuff to see”

How long is this movie? Over 100 minutes? Ugh.

Anyway, Sandler has two other daughters, both of which prove how great of a father he is. One of them is named “Espen”. As in, ESPN. Why.

After a scene with Lauren that doesn’t matter, we get a scene of Sandler talking to his smallest daughter so we can get some saccharine shit. Also, they are watching Tiny Toon Adventures because reasons.

In the next scene, we have Sandler getting Tampons for Larry. Ouch, I think I just got major mood whiplash. Naturally, this scene involves more product placement. While there, he bumps into Lauren.

They have a dumb scene regarding prono mags and tampons (Don’t ask) and then ten second Tom from 50 first dates makes a cameo.

…Wait, what.

“I’m Tom”

“You told me that”

“I’m tom!”

…Remember how that Bum from Happy Gilmore was in Jack and Jill? He had the same name and was played by the same actor?

Yeah, I looked up and he is played by the guy from 50 first dates…who also plays the bum I just mentioned. …Are they trying to ruin every Adam Sandler movie I actually like?

I’m serious, that is Ten Second Tom there. So we’ve had that guy from Happy Gilmore in Little Nicky, that  dude from Waterboy in Little Nicky, the bum from Happy in Jack and Jill, and now Ten Second Tom in Blended.

Yeah…I don’t like the idea of a Happy Madison Cinematic Universe. Mostly cuz I don’t want a world with like 40 Adam Sandler’s running around.

Anyway, back to the movie. The two bond a bit and waste good chemistry on bad writing. They stop bonding and start arguing, making me wonder how the hell they will get together in the end.

Oh wait, this is a badly written Comedy, of course it’ll make no sense. Sandler shows up at her house the next day, cuz their credit cards were accidentally switched at the store. Also, that lesbian joke from earlier returns and it’s not funny the 2nd time…and 3rd time.

The friend shows up, having broken up with her boyfriend, whose name is…Dick. God Damn it. She found out that Dick has 5 kids, so she broke up with him. He wanted her to go on this big vacation so they could all bond, and she didn’t want that.

Also, Dick is Sandler’s boss because of course he is. Being the lovely man he is, Sandler asks Dick if he can use the vacation instead, since he got so upset he canned it for everyone.

At the same time, Lauren tells the friend she could use the vacation instead.

“Wait tell I tell the kids!”

“Wait til I tell the boys”

Oh, things are gonna get wacky due to a plot contrivance that wouldn’t fly in real life, up in here!

“We’re going to Africa!”

Oh, this is one of those Sandler movies. The one that’s an excuse to go on a vacation. Yeah We cut to Africa as our heroes arrive for a few weeks full of unfunny stereotypes!

They bump into each other right away. Like I said, it makes no sense how this happened, since Dick would know if his vacation is being used while he’s giving it to someone else.

Anyway, Sandler and Lauren assure the kids that they are not together.

“I wouldn’t want to wake up to this face everyday”

“You would be lucky to wake up to this face every day, my mom is hot!”

“…That’s just wrong”

Yes. Yes it is.

After…that, they go their room, which turns out to be the romance suit. As it turns out, Dick was gonna use this to propose to Jen until the bitch ruined it.

“A family honeymoon, a familymoon”

Familymoon was actually the…2nd title, as it was called Blended but they changed it to that and changed it back when they realized how dumb it sounded.

The room also has a stripper pole. …Yeah. So they are now in  a big family moon and meet with another couple at dinner. “

We welcome you to our 4th annual Blended Familymoon week”

Roll credits! ….Please?

After a montage of lame jokes, they unwind that night. The next day, they all get ready for one long day full of bad jokes. And sure enough, the next bunch of minutes is wasted on a bunch of cheap Africa based gags.

We’re in the part of the movie with no plot, aren’t we?

The barrage has Sandler being terrible, but the movie thinking its funny or whatever. It’s everything you expect at this point. Also, they introduce this subplot were Larry has a crush on this dude and is too shy to say anything and whatever.

Lauren suggests she actually start dressing like a girl so he will notice her. Yeah, that gag about her looking like a dude got really old and I spared you from most of it.

That night, she dresses up and now that she’s conventionally attractive, she can get her man! When it shows her walking towards him, it has this one song, when it cuts to him, it has a love song, and when it cuts to Sandler…they play It’s the end of the world as we know.

Okay, that was funny…even if it was in the trailer. By the way, we are now one hour into the move. ONE HOUR. And barely anything of substance has happened for most of it. The movie is about 110 minutes long, by the way.

Sandler gets pissy about Hilary dressing up and everyone leaves out of awkward-ness. Heh. But eventually they calm down and start to bond a bit. Then some dudes show up and say they are blending, and it’s really weird and stupid.

So they stop talking and we get another montage of them dicking around with dumb Africa jokes full of stereotypes. I’m reminded of another Adam Sandler movie with a paper thing plot and lots of dicking around….as in ALL OF THEM.

Through this dicking around, Lauren and Sandler supposedly grow closer and all that good stuff. Honestly, I’m getting to a point where there’s nothing to talk about. We keep bumping into long sections where nothing really happens. Stuff does happen, but it’s nothing really important. Just dumb stuff that isn’t funny. It wouldn’t be so bad if the characters were likable, the humor was good, or the plot wasn’t lame and paper thin. But all those things are sadly true.

At least our lovely couple is kind of bonding during this section, so there is some point to it. Even if it’s not funny. The sad thing is, the actors do have some chemistry (they proved that in two movies already) but the writing doesn’t really help. The stuff they are given isn’t that funny and half of this couple is terrible.

Bah. After that stuff, we have a “sweet” scene with Lauren and the youngest daughter, while Sandler takes a piss outside. How lovely.

The next day, there’s even more dicking around and pretty much the exact same crap I’ve been talking about. Another thing that would make this better is the film being shorter and not close to 2 hours! That night, Lauren comes in looking pretty and they do the exact same music joke from before, but with different characters.

Great, you just ruined the funniest joke in the movie. They ruin it further by cutting to some random chick and playing I Kissed a girl. Sigh.

“It’s the final night of our Blended family experience here in Africa”

Thank god. Something actually happens when Sandler sets up a real date with Lauren to make up for Hooters. They hit off this time but Sandler backs out of a kiss at the last minute. And that awkwardly ends their date…as well as the vacation.

Yep, we cut to Lauren back in America with not much of a transition. At least Just Go With It stayed in Hawaii until the very end. But ah well, at least that means we’re almost done. Please?

Sandler tells Shaq he just couldn’t get the courage to kiss her, and he tells his kids there’s nothing going on. They tell him to go for it, as they will be fine with a new mommy. So he goes out to get her back. That was quick.

He gets to her house, but of course, she got back together with Joel Mchale. The dick who had no redeeming value when we last saw him. Because we need a contrived 3rd act conflict.

Sandler drives away sadly, and Lauren arrives home later. Joel hits on Lauren and she isn’t biting. Yeah, he was kind of lying to Sandler. He was actually just babysitting the kids while she was out. Wow, now it’s even more contrived. He claims that he’s sorry for being a dick, and he wants another chance. She’s still not biting though, and tells Joel to be at one of her kids games on Saturday to prove he wants to be a good father.

That night, Sandler and the youngest daughter have another really saccharine scene about their dead mom or whatever. We cut to the baseball game as Joel has failed to show up. Yawn. Sandler on the other hand, does show up. I think this scene exists to turn this into a sports movie for some reason.

Spoilers, the son wins the game. A shocking twist, I know. Sandler talks to Lauren and she explains that Joel was full of crap. Sandler says he’s ready to take it to the next level now. She says yes and they kiss.

This is supposed to be this big epic moment but it feels so…rushed and obligatory. Like this whole romance, it feels slapped on and lazy.

“You know something? Your Mom is hot”

I’m Glad that joke came back. With that, everyonecelebrates while those random dudes sing us out.

Yep, the credits roll. That was…a really lame and rushed ending, even by Adam Sandler standards. We set through at least 1 hour and 40 minutes of that just to get the exact ending we expected, and it’s really lazily written.

Whatever, at least it’s finally over.

Final Thoughts:

You know which Adam Sandler film this reminds me of? Just Go With it. In both movies, we have a really contrived plot, a random trip to an exotic locale as an excuse for Sandler to on vacation, and most of both films are spent dicking around, only to have a very weak Non-endng.

But hey, Blended isn’t nearly as painful as that one. The only reason I haven’t reviewed it because Film Brain did a pretty good job with it. But I’ll give JGWI this: It felt a tiny bit different from the Sandler films that came before. The same cannot be said for this one.

My god, this was so much worse than I thought it would be. I mean, it’s mostly a mediocre type of bad, but that actually makes it worse. As bad as Sandler last few films were, at least they were slightly different. JGWI had Nick Swardsen at his most annoying, Jack and Jill had Sandler as a woman, That’s My Boy had pedophila, Grown Ups 2 had no plot yet too much plot, and so on.

This…had Africa. And it wasted Bella Thorne and Joel Mchale. That’s about. Seriously, the premise isn’t interesting in the slightest, and they don’t even fill it with dumb gimmicks.

There’s the stuff with Sandler’s daughters being like boys, but that’s about it. This film just felt really empty. It has all the Sandler hallmarks but the plot is lazier than ever. At least the Grown Ups films were kind of interesting with their lack of plot. This one, not much.

This plot was so cliché and that even the writers seemed to give up by the end. Now, all the movies I just mentioned are much worse (Well, I assume that’s My Boy is. I still gotta see that one), and this one had a few amusing moments, and it’s not the worsr in terms of humor…but in a way that makes it worse.

Those films at least try to be memorable, but I wouldn’t remember most of the movie if I didn’t just review it. The story is a joke. There’s really nothing to it: Some douche and a chick have a bad blind date, but through some stuff they end up on a vacation together and they fall in love. That’s it. There’s no gimmick, it’s just that.

That could have worked if they tried to write a good romance, but they didn’t. It’s very basic and they really have nothing special together. The actors do well together but the writing ruins it quite a bit.

Once again, Sandler is an unlikable douche whose change of heart is forced. Lauren is okay but there’s really special to her either. The rest of the character exist for bad jokes about that’s it.

Larry’s subplot goes nowhere, the boys do nothing, the other girls are lame and one exists for bad sweet moments, Joel is a dick and that’s it, and there are no other notable characters. They didn’t even bother forcing Nick Swardsen on us.

Seriously, this is the first Sandler film in the last few years to not have one his biggest buddies in it. …Honestly, It feels kind of empty. The humor isn’t the worst, but a lot of it is so typical.

There’s nothing new to be found here. It’s the same stuff as before but with a weaker plot. The characters are lame, the plot is dumb, and it’s just …bad. It’s a weak kind of bad, but it’s still bad.

It’s also way too long. Just Go With It was more painful with it’s length, but this is almost as bad. It somehow feels too short, with nothing going on, but too long …cuz nothing is going on.

I should just write it off as the dull kind of bad Sandler film, but I’m a lot angrier than I should be. I think it’s because it doesn’t even try to be memorable. At least his past few movies have tried to be memorable for any reason. This is just…there. It’s bad.

It’s not the worst, but it really is. And the other Sandler trademarks, such as product placement, does not help either. And seriously, what was Ten Second Tom doing here?

Grade: D-

Well, that didn’t go well. …Hey…next month is February! You know what that means! …

ITS’S…DCOM MONTH 2!

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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