Hello, Spongey here.
PREVIOUSLY, ON THE LONE RANGER:
John, a normal guy, teamed up with Indian Jake Sparrow, to take down a bad guy who’s evil plan is causing war between the white man and the Indians. That took 80 minutes to establish.
NOW FOR THE CONCLUSION.
Let’s see how they end things. When we last left off, John was making silly faces at some Indians. It doesn’t work but they speak English now because reasons. John tells them Tonto told him some stuff and they say that Tonto is cuckoo for coca puffs. Then they go into his backstory.
When Tonto was a boy, he rescued Cavendish and another man from near-death and showed them the location of a silver mine, in exchange for a pocket watch. The men murdered the tribe to keep the mine a secret. …Well, that’s dark for a movie that had Tonto feeding a dead bird. I mean…geez, I’ve heard people bitch about the tone and I can see why.
…But this story itself kind of fits with the character, so ah well. Tonto was guilty so he went crazy and deluded himself into thinking some weird shit. Huh, that puts the forced comedy into a new light, doesn’t it?
After that backstory, the chief has John and Tonto buried in the sand for reasons I forgot already. Also, Comedy right after the genocide!
So the Indians are going to war with the white men, even though that story confirmed that the Cheif knows about Butch and thus should know that he’s to blame, not the good guys. But whatever keeps the plot going for another hour.
Jonn escapes with the help of the horse (really) and he…just leaves Tonto there.
TONTO: It is a good day to die.
“”Same to you”
Our hero, ladies and Gentlemen!
…Then John comes back to get him cuz Tonto knows where the river begins, which is where he needs to start finding Butch. So he was gonna leave Tonto there and only got him cuz he will be of help to him. Again, our hero.
We cut to the bad guys, as our heroes arrive, giving us the scene on the poster. John has Butch where he wants to, and Tonto hands him a gun with a silver bullet in it.
“No, this isn’t justice”
Together, we can BE justice!
“I’m not a savage”
Ah, we’re going for that kind of thing, eh? Well, just a warning: If you snap his neck, people will throw a fit.
Tonto gets pissed, but John calls him out on his shit, as Tonto is making up half of the stuff he says, as we found out earlier.
“You sold out your whole village for a watch”
Yeah, that was pretty dumb. But you left your sidekick to die and only kept him for your own selfish needs. So…yeah.
Tonto is about to kill Butch anyway, but we’re only 95 minutes in, so John knocks him out. So now he’s just gonna take Butch to the property atrocities to lock him up. I sure hope Butch doesn’t try to escape since being tied up and put on a horse isn’t a hard place to escape from.
John takes Butch to these guys for Justice. Also, Rebecca and Danny were found by these kind of good guys, but they are being held by them so she won’t go out and see that John is there…or something. I don’t know, Wikipedia isn’t giving me anything on this part, but it is telling my the twist about to pop up.
John talks to Cole and here’s that twist: Cole is Butch’s partner. WHAT A TWIST! Too bad I haven’t mentioned Cole that much so to you guys it doesn’t matters. Cole had Dan killed cuz he knew about the war they were trying to start.
Danny pops up (Rebecca escaped but she isn’t in this part) and Cole tells him that John kills his father, Dan. This is intense because Danny has a gun for reasons I won’t get into. But I guess that doesn’t matter, cuz we move on to John being taken to the Silver mine to be executed.
But it’s interrupted by the Indians as we get a big fight. The two groups fight bravely…but the Indians get their asses handed to them. Wah wah. Also, more Genocide for the kiddies!
John and Tonto are…not happy about this.
“There is no justice”
The next day, we have the opening of the new railroad, which Cole is using to mine silver, or something. And that finally takes us back to the bank robbing thing from earlier. Sure took us long enough to get back here.
They stage the robbery to steal nitroglycerin and use it to destroy a railroad bridge. …They still robbed a bank though. Our heroes!
Tonto goes onto this train to do more robbing while Red randomly shows up again to distracts some guards. She’s a woman so you know what I mean by distract. Some stuff happens and our heroes storm the train, leading to the scene that EVERYONE likes.
Seriously, no matter how much people hate this movie, everyone praises this climax. For one, we have the classic music, and it’s set up to a pretty sweet action set piece. How can you can the film is over budgeted when you need money to make something like this?
The other action bits have been okay but this part is just awesome. It has that sense of fun the film kind of needed more of. That and it’s just as long as it needs to be. I’m not sure if it’s worth waiting 120 minutes or so for, but ah well.
To make a long story short, the awesome (seriously, it is so amazing) climax ends with Butch being stopped, and Cole’s train falling off a bridge. Trust me, the defeat feels so much more satisfying in context.
I mean wow, the music, action, and all that stuff makes this climax a ton of fun. I see the haters even like it. With that, John is hailed as a hero.
“I like to express our graduate to this masked man…this lone ranger”
Already did the joke, sorry.
John tells Rebecca he can’t stay and I wonder why she even in this movie cuz she hasn’t done anything. She hasn’t developed or anything. Even Danny got a few badass moments, and John says he is no longer a boy.
Anyway, John catches up with Tonto and they decide they shall be outlaws, heading out to stop bad guys, in the sequel that will sadly never happen. With that, we return to 1933 for, hopefully, one last time.
The kid asks if all that was real.
“Up to you”
Old Tonto leaves and the kid puts on his mask. We cut back to the story for a bit to see John finally saying the catch phrase.
“Hi ho Silver, away!”
“Don’t ever do that again”
Gotta love that respect for the source materiel.
So they ride off, and the credits finally roll. That was a 140 minute film, meaning it’s 2 hour, 20 minutes. Not 2 and a half hours. That’s nitpicky but come on guys, when you bitch, get it right. It’s still 140 minutes I’ll never get back. At least it’s over.
Well, that was underwhelming. I dedicated 2 posts to this movie, and after all is said and done, I feel…underwhelmed. It may be due to the fact that they never justfity the length. Bitch all you want about the lgenth of Bayformers, but a lot of stuff happens in those movies, so when I did Dark of the moon in 2 part, it felt needed.
This, not so much. The only reason I did it in 2 parts is cuz there’s no way I’m doing a movie this long all at once. And honestly, that’s the biggest problem with the movie. Any other issue I have stems from this.
Basic story? Wouldn’t be so bad with a 90 minute run time. Lack of development? Wouldn’t be highlighted if it was shorter. See what I mean? But let’s address the elements.
Story is basic but even with the length, that’s okay. It didn’t need any twists, but again, that story did not need to be 2 freaking hours! Anything interests lies within the characters.
Speaking of those, the only ones that matter are John and Tonto. Everyone else is…there. Dan existed to lie, Rebbeca is the woman that needs to be saved, (but she’s not annoying, at least) Danny is a boy who is kind of cool, Red is…there for 2 scenes, Cole is the guy who turns out to be to be a bad guy, and Butch is…well evil. To be fair, Cole’s plan is fairly clever and it does kind of justify a few bits in the story, so I’ll say our villains are decent enough.
The acting is pretty good, I suppose. The only stands out though are Tonto, Cole, and Butch. Depp at least tries and he’s far less dumb than I expected. But less comedy would be nice, so that mood whiplash does not happen. Cole and Butch’s actors do a good job making a threatening villain, especially Butch.
Everyone else is…well not bad, but just there. Also, again, I say the wrap around has no reason to be there. It’s pointless and just another example of this film’s filler.
John is just kind of there, as the hero. He has some asshole moments, and he never really…pops, you know. In some parts he’s badass, mostly the climax, but he’s kind of dulll. Not bad at all, just there. The 140 minutes we sepdn with him makes this worse.
Tonto is mixed. He does some dumb things but he is the most interesting character, with as back story that I kind of liked. However, it feels like no one really changes. And while we’re on our heroes, they have no chemistry. Like in RIPD, it’s mostly harsh bickering and they don’t seem to work well as a team, even by the end.
I’ve seen worse, like in…well RIPD, but they did leave a lot to be disered. On the bright side, the action is solid, it looks great (the film needed the big budget, trust me), and like I said, the climax is amazing. To the film’s credits, it’s not…bad. It’s just…okay. Most of it is fairly enjoyable at times, and I fail to see how it’s the worst thing ever.
It has flaws but there’s nothing offensive or awful here. Yeah, it has dark stuff but it’s there for the story. I think raking out some of the comedy could have helped these parts. It’s enjoyable in some parts, but it did not need to be this long. It has too much filler, nad all of my issues are highlighted with the length.
If it was like 90 minutes or so, it would be a fun ,breezy ride. But as it is, it’s an overlong mess that has it’s moments. They tried, they really did, but it needed some serious editing.
….But seriously, at least watch the climax. It’s so much fun and I wish the rest of the movie was fun as that. It doesn’t lack fun, it just needed more of that.
So yeah, the movie is just okay. Not as bad as people say, but not as good as it could have been. A great climax can’t make up for an overlong film that just needed some re-writes. Meh.
Next time, we look at something a bit more…Epic.