The Lone Ranger (Part 1)

Jack Sparrow as an Indian. What could possibly go wrong?

Jack Sparrow as an Indian. What could possibly go wrong?

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, it’s time for another 2 part review. This time, we have a very interesting film that i’ve meaning to talk about for awhile.

Changes are, you know the full story behind The Lone Ranger, and this movie, so I’ll keep the intro short. I’ll even skip the source materiel’s backstory, cuz I don’t care, to be honest.

The point is, this was an honest attempt to make a big budget Lone Ranger movie that got a bit over it’s head. It had a huge budget, and it bombed at the box office. So of course, one movie bombing made everyone declare the death of Cinema.

Jokes aside, I’ve been interested in this movie since I heard about it. With negative reviews (27 on Rotten Tomatoes), bashing the length and unfortunate implications, it seemed like an interesting failure. It has the star, director, and writers of the Pirates of the Caribbean films, and let’s be honest, it seemed like an attempt to recapture the success of those films.

It didn’t work.

I’m usually more negative going into films like this, but recently, I’ve kind of stopped doing stuff like that. No, instead I’ll go into this with an open mind, even though I know I may dislike it. There’s more I could say, but let’s be honest, I’ll have plenty of time to discuss everything in the actual review.

Yep, this movie is Over 2 hours, so we’re in for another 2 parter. Like the last 2 times, I’ll do another review in-between the parts. Should be fun.

So let’s see if the film is any good, or at least explains why the LONE Ranger has partner.

This, is The Lone Ranger

The movie opens in 1933, with a kid at some Wild West Museum thing. He bumps to a weird old Indian guy, who is the “I NEED AN ADULT” kind of old guy. The kid has a cowboy costume, and this happens.

“Never take off mask”

“Why not?”

With that, we flashback to the Old West, as our titular hero, played by Armie Hammer, is hanging out with Toto, played by Johnny Deep. Yeah, you likely have heard all the arguments against his casting, and all the arguments FOR it. …Well, I’ll have to see how he does since it could be good.

We see them storming into a town and robbing a bank. I hope it’s a bad guy bank cuz otherwise…yikes. The kid agrees with me, as back in 1933, he questions this.

“Lone ranger and Tonto were good guys”

I don’t see the need for this wrap around.

Tonto doesn’t respond and boom, we’re taken back further to 1869. We could have just started here. The In Media Res thing does not work when you have a wrap around like this.

We see some dude telling a bunch of people that they will bring law and order to the Wild West. Which is why they will bring in known criminal Butch Cavendish. After some filler, we cut to as guy on a train, tossing a little girl her doll. But it flies out the window, because as it turns out, tossing an object like that in front of an open window was a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

It turns out out Butch himself is being held on the train, which is kind of dangerous since you know, putting a criminal on a train that also holds normal people is a bad idea.

After more filler, Butch’s gang pops up, while Butch himself gets pissed at Tonto. Oh yeah, he’s on the train because reasons. Tonto takes his gun and the guy from a minute ago pops up. Well, it’s a minute your time, for me it’s like 10 minutes. We’re 17 minutes in.

Butch gets the upper hand and captures them while he does evil stuff. Since we’re on a train, it has to go out of control thanks to the bad guys. Tonto breaks them free, because he is perfect, and they rush to the top of the train.

DOOF: You know we were gonna be on here eventually.

We get some drawn out, but good action, and long (and I do mean LONG) story short, the train crashes, and our still unnamed Lawyer hero guy says he has to take Tonto in for….reasons. Tonto however, is more in the mood for forced comedy.

Some guys show up.

“What’s your crime?”

“Indian”

And so our man arrests the guy who helped me out. Our hero, ladies and Gentlemen. I’m assuming he’s the Lone Ranger but I don’t have a proper name yet. Seriously, all the filler and you couldn’t slip that in?

“John”

See, is that hard?

That was by some girl who is his wife….I think. Or maybe she’s not, I don’t know. A kid comes in, and she says John is his Uncle. So I guess that answers my question, I think. John talks to some dudes outside, and Tonto isn’t getting a trial. What did he do? I don’t know. Again, with 140 minutes of film, you think we would know on the 29 minute mark.

After some talking, John is deputized Texas Ranger. Insert obvious joke here. John heads off on his horse with some guys, including his brother, and they end up in a gun fight with bad guys. Then the brother gets shot and dies. Oh yeah, it’s like in Antz where they expected to feel something for the character you barley knew. Joy.

Oh wait, the shot didn’t kill him. But Butch pops up, and kills him. K, he’s dead. Back in 1933 , the kid thinks Dan, the brother is the Lone Ranger, and questions why he’s dead if he’s supposed to be the ranger. If he was, the movie would be over now. And I welcome this movie being shorter.

The kid asks how Tonto escaped from Jail. He doesn’t answer. Wow, that’s….lazy writing as it’s finest, guys. You point out your own plot hole, and just move on. Wow.

Back in the past, Tonto shows up and does some wacky stuff. A white horse pops up and Tonto tells it that John is a great warrior. So this is his steed? You know, with the 140 minute length, you think they would find a better way to explain some of his trademarks. We’re 45 minutes in, by the way. …I skipped some filler.

Also, we see the horse take a shit. Lovely.

John wakes up and Tonto tells him the horse told him John is a Spirit Walker. Yeah, whatever you say. Also, I should say that Depp isn’t too bad so far. He’s putting a bit more of an effort to be memorable than our actual lead so far. But he is pretty much an Indian Jack Sparrow.

Tonto explains that a vision told him he would find a great Warrior to help him ,and John is it. He, of course, isn’t up for it. They fight for some dumb reason and John plans to go back to town to get some men, but Tonto warns him that there are some bad guys out there. The bad guys think John is dead, so that is why it’s a bad idea.

So Tonto hand him a mask. He dons the mask and his hat so they can ride out and find the bad guys that killed Dan. A nice, simple premise….for a 90 minute movie at best. That’s the biggest problem so far. John has finally his mask and we are 53 MINUTES IN. The script itself is fairly basic and not complex, which would be fine if it wasn’t 2 hours! Why is it that long?! But I’ll get into that in the wrap up, I assume.

Anyway, they go to a Brothel to meet someone hwo can help them find Bush. That person is a woman named Red, played by Helena Bonham Carter. …Sure Tim Burton didn’t direct this?

They talk and she tells him that Dan and some other guy fought over a cursed silver rock. However, their little visit must end as the other folks there don’t want an Indian there. She explains that the Commanches violated the treaty by raiding settlements and stuff. They try to leave but some guys start chasing Tonto. So some angry dumb asses are what causes this epic chase. I’m so hooked.

They end up in one of those settlements being raided, and oops, everyone is dead. …That’s dark. Not nearly as bad as people are saying…but yikes. Wasn’t Tonto feeding a dead bird early? Mood whiplash, much?

Tonto tells him this wasn’t the act of Indians and they discover a white bad guy dressed as an Indian guy in a shed doing something. This would be racist if this wasn’t a bad guy. Yep, the Indians that have been raiding are actually Butch and his gang. The fact that people bought their disguises shows how dumb these people are.

They kill two bad guys and we find out that John’s Girlfriend (I think, it seems like it since they are saving her), has been kidnapped by Butch. One of the goons shows up and tells Butch what happened.

“It was a ranger. Lone Ranger”

PETER: Ah, he said it!

Another goon is about to shoot the girl, and her kid I think, but he doesn’t and tells them to run. Back with our heroes, they up lost in the desert, and the two start arguing.

“The woman Rebbecca, you will fill her with chlld no?”

…We went from mass murder to a bit about knocking someone up. K.

“That’s my brothers wife!”

Oh, that’s who she is.

Tonto suggests they hook up since her Husband is kind of…well Dead. So he’s suggesting he hit on a grieving wife. Our sidekick to our hero, ladies and Gentlemen!

‘You don’t understand”

“Cuz I’m a savage”

No, cuz that’s a terrible idea. Anyway, Tonto finds some train tacks. And it’s back to the 1933 kid.

“Train tracks? I thought you were in Indian Territory”

Will movie characters stop stealing my job!?

Back in the flashback, we cut an event Tonto could not have actually seen. Said event is this guy saying the treaties are now null and void. They will keep building this railroad and we cut to our heroes as they are captured by some Indians, who are going to war with “The white man”. Ah, that was Butch’s plan. …Needlessly complicated but I guess we need to fill the 140 minutes somehow.

And back to 1933.

“But the commanche didn’t attack the settlements”

“White man do not know this”

Yeah kid, weren’t you paying attention? Or did the length get to you too? Back in the story (seriously this wrap around is pointless), John tells them that he knows they didn’t do it but they don’t understand English because plot convenience. This is John can make dumb gestures and give us something potentially offensive.

…And that’s where we end part 1. Yep, an odd place to end, but we are now 80 minutes into our 140 minute movie. Not much has happened compared to other multi part reviews. And this is the movie did need to be 2 and half goddamn hours!

Anyway, next time, I do another review, and then we finish this overlong movie. Not impressed so far. …

WILL THE WHITE GUYS AN INDIANS KILL EACH OTHER? WILL THE HEROES STOP BUTCH? WILL THEY JUSTIFY THE 2 HOURS?

FIND OUT

SAME LONE RANGER TIME

SAME LONE RANGER CHANNEL’

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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