Hello, Spongey here.
So, last week saw the release of Sin City: A Dame to kill for. I’ve never seen the first one, but it looks okay. And hey, it’s kind of directed by Robert Rodreguiz! Which means I can review his other famous kids movie!
…It’s a flimsy excuse, I know.
I’ve been wanting to do this one for awhile. A lot of people mock this one, even more so than Spy Kids. Mostly because it was infamously written by Robert’s kids. No, really, his son even has a story credit.
Based on a trailer, I have no trouble buying that a kid wrote it.
Despite the fact that everyone knows about it, it actually bombed on the box office. At least it spared us from crappy sequels.
There….actually, isn’t much else to say. It was made by kids, it’s in crappy 3-D, and I hear it’s really stupid. Will it be Spy Kids 1 good…or Spy kids 4 bad? Let’s find out.
But before I begin, here’s a fun fact from Wikipedia, which has a source. You know who auditioned for a role along with….someone I’ll joke about later? Miley Cyrus. No, really.
Apparently she would have gotten it if Hannah Montana didn’t start production. God knows how that would have turned out.
Anyway, let’s see how this movie is.
This, is The Adventures of SharkBoy and Lavagirl
The movie opens with….a quote.
“Everything that is or was, began with a dream”-Lavagirl.
We than get narration about the origins of Sharkboy. He was a marine biologist in training, whose Dad made him care for the sharks.
“His father called him Sharkboy”
Of course he did.
A storm hits and separates him from his father. Then one the sharks started to talk to him and after no one questions it, the sharks take him to their home. They take him in as their own.
The CGI sharks decide to train him in the way of the shark. Yeah, don’t help him find his Dad or anything. Eventually, he grew gills and talons because….reasons. I’m not sure what happens next cuz our narrator takes us to last month when our hero meet Sharkboy.
As it turns out, he’s now played by Jacob himself, Taylor Lautner. ….No , I won’t make a Twilight joke. It’s too easy.
The kid took him without his parents noticing, cuz they are blinds, and kept him in an aquariam thing. Did Sharkboy asked to be took in? He didn’t look like he needed help. Anyway, he’s been searching the galaxy for a….thing.
Then suddenly, a girl with purple flames for hair pops up.
“I called her Lavagirl”
Turns out she knows Sharkboy and she needs him to return to Planet Drool with her. Planet Drool. Really. Also, space. That’s in this movie now.
They left and he hasn’t seen them since then. And it all turns out to be a story he is telling his class, as I “what I did this summer” thing. The kids all throw paper at him cuz kids totes did that, yo.
I mean, usually the teacher is the one pissed at the kid using a tall tale for a report ala Say Cheese and Die again. He is a bit miffed, but the kids are more pissed. Also, hi George Lopez.
Max, the kid, is forced to stay after class, along with a kid who was picking on him. That kid is punished. Holy shit, the teacher punishes the kid tormenting our hero? WHAT WITCHCRAFT IS THIS?!
He suggests Max make some friends. The teacher is helpful?! Sorry, this goes against all crappy kid’s movie cliches!
They leave class and Linus, the bully, picks on Max some more. Well, they kept one cliché in there. The bully chases Max through the playground, because we need filler. He takes Max’s “Dream journal’ because he’s a dick.
That night, Max gets up to get some milk and sees someone took a bite out of a cookie. Whoa, Santa came early this year!
Oh. That was my next guess.
His parents pop up and scold him for eating a cookie. Max claims it was Sharkboy and he expects them to believe him. They don’t. They make him go to bed, and we cut to the next morning as Max mopes about having to go to school. Also, his parents are not compatible or something.
He gets to school and George Lopez talks about tornadoes. If Sharkboy pops out of a tornado, I’m done. Max tries making friends with some girl but she is Lopez’s daughter. Wah wah. Wait, she looks nothing like him.
Max takes a break from that to get his journal back from Linus, who actually gets punished for taking it. This is the most competent teacher I’ve seen all year.
Linus has messed with Max’s journal, and Max get pissed. The teacher is angry at both of them and suddenly the incoming storm interrupts them. A tornado pops up and LavaGirl and Sharkboy pop out.
The two head towards Max, and Lavagirl’s….fire sets a dude’s paper on fire.
They tell him that they must go to Planet Drool. It’s Lavagirls home planet.
“You should know that. You made it up’
Yeah, it turns out that story he told was bullshit, so he is shocked they are real now. So why was he pissed no one took it seriously earlier?
“If you want to stop the darkness from destroying our worlds, you better come with us”
You picked the most generic name ever. Didn’t Twitches use that name too?
No one really questions this and Max and the heroes leave in some spacecraft….thing. Their crappy CGI ship lands on the crappy CGI planet of Drool. They tell him that all of this was dreamed by him.
‘All that ever is, or was, began with a dream”
Glad that quote came back.
“Every dream you had landed here on planet Drool”
How does that work? I hope I find out.
Something is destroying the planet and they need Max’s help. They need to go on a big epic quest to stop the dreams from turning bad. Yep, I buy that a little kid wrote this.
“Max is a good boy, otherwise you and I would be evil, and we’re not evil”
Clunkiest dialogue ever.
“We have to stay positive. It’s not the end of the world”
That’s gonna come back.
They continue as they find out that some kids are trapped on a rollercoaster and if they stop, they dream and that takes power away from Mr Electric, our bad guy. Yeah, if I want a weird story that could come from a little kid, I’d watch The Lego Movie.
They hope on the rollercoaster, to exploit the 3D and they visit Mr Electric, who is played by George Lopez, just like the teacher. Yeah, I’m sure it’s symbolic but I don’t care. He brags about how he is going to bring the end of the world because….he’s evil,
They fight him and his goons but they get their asses handed to him. They claim that Max can stop him but he can’t do jack shit. ‘
“Remember the dream!”
Yeah, that’s big help.
Evil George Lopez captures them and takes them to the dream graveyard. Like every set, it looks like a bad video game. They tell Max that they are supposed to go the “Dream lair” to do a thing.
Max says he put his dreams in his dream journal, so they need to find it to remember his dreams. Sharkboy is pissed that Max is useless. I’m not sure what they were expecting, honestly.
Meanwhile, Mr Eletric’s weird ghost face boss is pissed that he sent our heroes away instead of keeping them here, cuz Max now has a chance to discover his powers and blah blah. I really have no idea what is going on anymore.
Back with Max, they have him fall asleep so he dream. He can’t go to sleep, and Sharkboy offers to put him to sleep the old fashioned way, Christ, does he really have to be this much of a dick for no reason?
Suddenly, they spot one of Max’s lost dreams: a Robot. Huh, this should be called Island of Lost Dreams, instead of Spy Kids 2. The robot tells them to go the land of milk and cookies, cuz it’s where they can find the good dreams.
Well….I came up with worse stuff as a kid.
The robot’s eyes and mouth fly them to the train of thought that can take them to the land of milk and cookies.
….This movie is not normal.
They end up on the train and arrive at the land of milk and cookies. They ride a giant cookie down the milk river and they are attacked by cookie eating giants. …This movie is creative, I’ll give it that.
The giants leave after only a few seconds and Max goes to sleep. They get him to sleep by singing him a lullaby….and it turns into a real musical number. I was not ready for that. Max starts having nightmares because of Sharkboy’s song. Understandable.
Max wakes up and Mr Electric shows up.
“This may come as a shock to you…”
His goons show up and we get a fight scene. They escape and Lavagirl tells Max to dream with his eyes open. So…day dreaming? Okay.
They head down the Stream of Consciousness (hardy har har) and we find out they now must look for the crystal heart, which can freeze time. It belongs to the ice princess.
“I hear she’s the most beautiful girl on the planet”
“She is not! She’s cold, and cruel, and cares for nobody but herself”
Before she said that, Lavagirl blasts Sharkboy’s ass. It was hilarious.
“I’m fire. She’s ice. We must be enemies’
They make it to the castle of the Ice Princess, but Lavagirl can’t get in for obvious reasons. She goes to sleep and sleepwalks so she can be cool enough to get in. She eventually makes it across and Mr Electric pops up again.
They are captured again and taken to Mr Eletric’s weird boss, who claims to be the ruler of drool. It turns out the face is just a cover for this kid who is the actual bad guy .Said kid is Linus, or at least someone who looks like him. The bully’s changes to the journal are why things are messed up.
I don’t know, this movie refuses to explain any of it’s backwards ass logic. The evil kid gloats about how evil he is and yada yada yada
“Blah blah blah, threat threat threat…”
….Is the movie mocking itself, now?
Our heroes are put in a cage and the heroes start losing their powers. These….weird…bubble….mouth ….things, pop up and start singing at a frequency that makes Sharkboy hulk out and break the bars.
CANDACE: I have no idea what just happened.
Max gets his dream journal and magics up Lavagirl’s Lava bike. Also, Sharkboy’s Dad is at the bottom of the ocean…in a sub, looking for him. Lame fake out ,there.
Lavagirls tries to read the section on her, but the book burns up. Wait, fire makes things burn? I didn’t know that! …Well, she didn’t.
She gets pissed and mopes about how she destroys everything. She questions why she and Sharkboy are partners when they are so different. Don’t you know they in any piece of media, that just makes you MORE compatible? Pfft.
But she sucks it up cuz they gotta go back to the ice Palace. They get there and they get the Crystal heart. But when Lavagirl grabs it, she is frozen….today.
Then they are captured by ice monsters and taken to the Ice Princess. Max explains why they need the heart and she says only she can freeze time with the heart. But she can’t leave so she can give Max a crystal that works for him. The one they took is a decoy and through a puzzle, they get the Crystal Heart.
They move on and Mr Electric pops up and makes Sharkboy fall into an ice river, and Lavagirl has to save him with dramatic music to tell us that this is dramatic. Sharkboy and Lavagirl aren’t waking up though, so we get our “sad” moment.
It’s….kind of effective, actually. That weird robot face thing shows up again to inspire him. He leaves a minute later. He was weird.
Max uses his dream powers, or whatever, to wake up Sharkboy but that isn’t working for Lavagirl. A volcano pops up so Sharkboy has to take her to it. I think Max’s dream powers are just an excuse for lazy writing.
He throws her in the Volcano which wakes her up and makes her even more powerful. Okay, this bit looks kind of badass. Suddenly, Max gets powers and he speeds off to fight Linus. I don’t get it either.
“I’m the daydreamer. Able to dream with my eyes open”
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
“I read your book”
YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD I READ YOUR BOOK!
So the two decide to have a dream battle. Yeah, it’s kind of cool I guess. Max makes it rain brains, the first sign of any I’ve seen so far. Then they create stone pillar things and it just turns into a cock contest.
Max tries to convince Linus to turn good because they can use their own dream powers to help people and stuff. It….works until Linus falls off this bridge they are on and Max saves him.
“Don’t let me fall!”
‘Wouldn’t dream of it’
Lavagirl pops up and she says she’s a light, whatever that means. Also, Sharkboy is king of the ocean or something. And Linus is a good now because fuck you that’s why. Jesus, even Spy Kids 3 tired to make a transition.
Linus tells Mr Electric to turn back into a good guy (he was a good guy before) but he’s not having it. He goes off to Earth to destroy Max in his sleep. Wait, what?
“All this time. I’ve been asleep”
WHAT A TWEE-
“No, you’re dreaming. With your eyes open”
….I’m not following you. So Mr Eletric wants to kill Max while he’s not paying attention (he’s not asleep so clearly that’s the wording to use here) and Lavagirl tells Max to make the dream real, just like he made them real.
Anyone following this? Cuz I’m not.
Max closes his eyes and boom, he’s back at school during the tornado. He wakes up so dreaming with his eyes open my ass. Mr Electric pops up out of the Tornado, cuz his dreams came to life now or whatever.
Also, the teacher points out that Electric looks like him. Way to explain the crappy symbolism. Anyway, Max’s Mom is pulled towards the tornado, and Dad doesn’t want to let go of her, but she gets sucked in anyway.
Then Lavagirl saves her. Yay. So the parents like each other now, whoop de doo. Linus runs out to take on Mr Eletric and he gets his ass handed to him. LOL.
‘”There are no dumb ideas”
“Maybe we can freeze his circuits”
“That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard”
Okay, that was funny.
Max says it’s actually a good idea, and he pulls out this necklace thing that belongs to the teacher’s daughter lady. It was from the dream I guess and she puts it on and goes outside. Then she uses ice powers to freeze him.
Oh yeah, she’s the ice princess, I think. Because…fuck you.
“You have awakened me”
Even Patrick has given up at this point.
Also, I expected a lame climax at this point. So everyone is happy and we cut to Max giving a report. He talks about how dreams can come true, and the whole world is a dream, or something.
Sharkboy becomes king of the ocean and he is still looking for his father. Lavagirl is queen of Volcanoes and the heroes don’t visit Max anymore. No, he visits them in his dreams.
“So dream a better dream. Then work to make it real”
Roll credits. I was expecting an abrupt ending, but not one that made me question if I just watched a movie, or I just had a weird drug trip.
I have no idea what just happened, or what the point was. So…let’s finish this.
That was a movie I just watched.
Okay, in all serious-ness, it wasn’t as bad as people say it is. But man, is it weird. It feels like a kid’s bad fever dream, and not in a good way.
I see what they were trying to do. They wanted to make it like something as child would come up with. Hell, a child did come up with it. But guess what? The Lego Movie did that, but it still made sense and it still fit in everything you need for an actual movie.
The biggest problem with this movie is the lack of logic. At no point does anything make any sense, and with the ending, it seems like nothing really happened. Oh, the characters in a different position but it feels like little happened in the end.’
None of the logic makes any sense, and at their attempts to explain it fail. I’m sure there’s something I’m missing but for now, I’m lost. But to be honest, the movie may be a Guilty Pleasure.
I mean, it’s not offensively bad by any means, and it’s a lot of fun to riff on. All the weird stuff going on is fun to mock and some scenes are kind of amusing. Sure, the story is a mess, and when it does make sense it’s cliched, and the characters are dull, but it has it’s moments.
Seriously, the villain is fun but lame, Max is just there to be a god, the bully kid is just a bully, and the titular heroes aren’t any better. Sharkboy is too much of a dick and Lavagirl is just….there. Also, it seems like they set up a romance with her and Max or Sharkboy, but nothing happens.
I guess Max ends up with that chick but it’s never explained. The acting is….okay, I supposed. Weak in places but not the worst. At least George Lopez looked like he was having fun.
So yeah, I don’t have much else to say. It’s kind of fun for what it is, but it also has no logic and nothing makes any sense. For kids, it’s not the worst but even The Nut Job had more to like. If you’re drunk or high, maybe you’ll like it.
Otherwise, just stick with the first two Spy Kids movies. This one is just…meh. Better than Spy Kids 3 and 4, though.
Next time, it’s another one I’ve been wanting to do.