Princess Protection Program is Property of Disney.
Hello, Spongey here.
Well, we have our 3rd DCOM of the year coming out. It’s called How to Build a Better Boy, and the premise is that Chyna and Bree from Lab Rats create a fake boy to cover up a lie but they use tech from her Dad’s government job and create a cute robot boy that turns out to be a robot solider, and this catches the attention of the Pentagon.
It will be the best movie ever made.
(It’s out now but this review was a day late)
I doubt the one I’m reviewing as a tie in will be nearly as epic, but we’ll see. I could another film from the same director, as it’s the same mind behind GIRL YOU-….well you know, but I wanted something I’ve been wanting to for awhile.
And it stars our old pal Selena Gomez…and Demi Lavato, but let’s focus on Selena. This is her 7th appearance on here, making her the actor who appeared the most, aside from Sandler’s gang. Damn, that’s impressive for someone like her.
Anyway, this film didn’t make too much of a splash compared to other DCOM’s. It’s, what I call, a B level DCOM. I may have mentioned this before, but this is for DCOM’s that may have a star, but aren’t exactly Teen Beach Movie big. Examples include Cloud 9 and Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior. I HAVE to review that at some point.
But it has Selena Gomez, so it’s an A one in my book. Well, actually it’ll get a lower grade, but you get what I made. I’ve my statement on her clear,y so you know I think she’s cool and she’s able to make a film better. Except Getaway. That still sucked and she sucked in it.
So of course I was interested in this movie. It’s alright but we’ll see how it holds up on my 2nd viewing. We also have Demi and I’m glad she’s becoming semi relevant again. Now let’s look at the people around the movie. The director has done nothing, but the writer is Anne DeYoung, who was also a writer for 16 Wishes.
Never mind, it’s the best movie ever made.
…Anyway, there isn’t too much else to say. Let’s see how Disney stars handle royalty.
This, is Princess Protection Program
The movie opens with our main character Carter, played by Selena Gomez, as she does typical stuff. And it’s not even 4 minutes in when we meet our local alpha bitch, Chlesa, played by Jamie Chung. Yes, that same chick from Grown Ups, Sucker Punch, and DragonBall Evolution. She really keeps popping on here, doesn’t she?
She isn’t played up for Fanservice this time, because it’s a kids’ movie. Carter’s crush, Donny was at her family’s subway-i mean Bait shop, and Mrs Alpha Bitch came to give him a ride to school. She’s the 2nd most enjoyable aspect of this film aide from Selena.
“I can’t stand them, they are such princesses!”
Her Dad drives her to school, and we cut to the fictional country of Fictional-ania, as we meet Princess Rosalinda longassname, played by Demi Lovato. She’s actually going to be crowned queen, which is shocking for a DCOM princess movie. Yes, a Disney Chanel Original Movie princess Movie. Great writing, Spongey.
She’s doing a practice coronation (like you do) but before she’s the practice queen, our villain shows up. This is General Kane, and he’s kind of awesome. For one, he enters right after throwing a sword and using it to throw the crown against the wall. And he’s not even trying to subtle.
Most villains show up and act okay until they turn out to be evil. This guy? His first appearance is here, as he’s like “give me the throne, bitch”. It’s kind of awesome. He wants to unite his own country with Costa Luna, but he’s gonna make himself rulers, so he’s a bad guy. His goons storm the castle, and Mom tells Rosie here that this one dude will take her to America to hide from the bad guys.
She and Mom have their goodbyes, and she and the dude leave in a Helicopter Kane’s goons must be pretty bad if you can’t stop these two. Also we’re only 7 minutes in and all this shit has happened.
“You will never find her”
Unless he has basic tracking skills. Seriously, that thing isn’t cloaked or anything.
“She will contact her mother, and when she does, I will get her back to her mother in a dirt cell”
You’re not even gonna try to go after her? You’re just gonna wait? LAME!
Anyway, Demi is told that she is now in the Princess Protection Program. Apparently, Princesses in danger is such a huge problem in the Disney world that they need an angecy to put them in hiding. She is taken to the PPP HQ, where she is given a new outfit, so she won’t look like a princess. She’s unhappy, but General Mason tells her this has to be done to ensure her safety and all that.
She is turned into an average girl, and is sent to America, where, and I quote, Kane where never think of finding her. Yeah, one of the most well known countries ever? Most obscure hiding place ever!
Okay to be fair, she will be in Louisiana, which is not the most popular place to look. Anyway, it turns out that Mason is Carter’s Father (won’t go into the questions that raises) so Rosie will be living with Carter.
I smell a sitcom! ….Actually, that is a premise fi for a Disney Sitcom, when I think about it. Hey, it’s a better idea than a Dog with a Blog.
Rosie just shows up Carter’s room, and of course she’s not happy.
“A normal dad would go to a Foreign country on a secret mission and bring his daughter back a T-Shirt, not a person”
1. Good point
2. Ohai trailer line.
Instead of bitching, Carter decides to live with it since she has no choice. Good on her. So now Carter has to teach Rosie some normal America customs. I smell Hijinks!
Of course, Rosie thinks she has still has the power to tell people what to do, even though she shouldn’t in this situation. We get a few jokes like that, as well as “Haw she doesn’t know anything” jokes.
The next day, Rosie has to go to school with Carter. I smell more Hiinks! After some jokes, we cut to Kane spinning a globe, as he says “Where you my little princess?”
He couldn’t more obvious if he tried.
He gets even better during this pointless scene where he talks to Rosie’s Mom.
“You are ruining my happy thoughts”
I love this guy.
Back with Rosie, we have more bits with her not getting normal customs. Mrs Alpha Bitch doesn’t approve of her because….reasons! Also, she has a dumb sidekick because of course she does.
During lunch, they announce the upcoming dance, as people must nominate Homecoming Princesses. Not Queen because it has to be ironic. Rosie nominates Carter because ….reasons!
Carter is pissed, and they argue for a bit. Later, at home the argument continues as Dad assures her this arrangment will work. Just like how The Purge works, right?
After a sad scene with Rosie missing Mom, we cut to the next ay as Carter has her do some chores. It goes as well as you would expect. She makes up for it by making them a nice dinner.
This is another time where I’m not saying much. Most of the movie is typical stuff like that, which gives me less room to make jokes. The film is much better than some other DCOM’s I’ve done, but those were way more fun to review.
Carter Is pissed because of Rosie is being happy with Dad and she’s all jelly and stuff. Yeah, we’re doing that cliché too. A bit later, Rosie talks to Carter and we find out Rosie’s Dad is dead because of course he is.
They share a nice scene where Carter starts liking Rosie a bit more.
“Whatever I did to make you mad, I’m sorry. I’ll try to blend in”
Now this actually a nicely done, and sweet scene. I’m sure something dumb will happen later to make up for it.
Carter takes Rosie to a bowling alley so she can learn to blend in, and Chelsea happens to be there because…..plot. Also, there’s a guy here that Carter likes, so we can fulfill our forced love (lack of) interest quota.
Rosie is good at bowling because the plot says so. She’s getting popular now and Chelsea does not like this one bit. But we’ll get back to that because we cut to that night as our heroes discuss Carter’s crush. But that scene just kind of….ends.
The next day, Chelsea acts all friendly to Rosie and she has her work at her Dad’s Frozen Yogurt shop or something. Not sure what her plan is, but okay. Wait, is her plan to embrasses Rosie cuz she has no idea how to do this kind of thing and thus everyone get pissed?
If so…okay, but why is there no else there besides Rosie? No manager, no other employees, no anything. Carter finds out about this and arrives to tell her that this job sucks.
“The bait shop is a step up”
Everyone starts laughing at Rosie, and takes pictures cuz teens are jerks.
“Chelsea set you up”
“I will turn the other cheek, because that is what princesses do’
Wait, instead of getting pissed and stopping to her level, she takes it in stride? Nice!
Later, Carter and Rosie talk some more about a princess.
“I want to make a difference”
“To do something more important with your life?’
Yep, she’s a Disney Princess.
After that, we join Kane as he being as hilariously smug as possible, as tells Rosie’s Mom she will be marrying him. He say he will make sure Rosie sees the marriage announcement somehow, and she will assume she is doing this to protect her and she will come racing home.
Great logic, there.
The next day, the Principal announces the homecoming Princesses: Chelsea, Carter, and Rosie. This pisses Chelsea off because she wanted people to vote for Carter INSTEAD of Rosie, not Carter AND Rosie. I have no idea what her plan was but okay.
Carter is pissed because ….reasons but this leads to Rosie giving her a speech about being a princess.
“Let’s go find your inner princess”
After a montage set to a song sung by our stars (of course), Carter now understands that there’s more to being a Princess being all snobby and stuff. Now it looks they are totes besties.
….I can’t pull that off, can I?
Anyway, Chelsea’s dumb sidekick is reading a magazine when she sees an article about Rosalinda. And that’s sending her to a country that has stuff like is a bad idea.
She tells Chelsea about this, and the article actually says that Rosie fled the country. I have no idea they announced that since one person put 2 and 2 together and will now use that for their own gain. Idiots.
They approach Rosie, and tell her to drop out of the Homecoming queen race. Wait, they pick Princesses before a Queen? That’s not how it works….I think, I never payed attention to that shit.
“Fine you may take my crown, but you may not take Carter’s”
Again, Rosie proves to be way more level headed than she should be. Also, Chelsea is still an enjoyable Alpha Bitch with a hilariously cliché plan. They throw Carter’s dress in the lake and Carter is not happy. Wait, she didn’t see them come in?
Then Rosie finds out about the marriage thing and says she has to go back. Kane’s dumb logic actually worked because it’s a DCOM.
“My country needs me”
Carter tells her that this is a bad idea, because she uses logic but it’s not very effective. Seriously, your Mom is marrying a bad guy. It’s obviously part of his plan, you idiot!
Carter asks her to at least stay until Homecoming and she says yes. We cut to Homecoming as Carter tells off that guy she likes cuz he’s a dick because reasons. Also, Chelsea’s sidekick stands up to her because….we need a moment like that.
Kane finds out where Rosie is, because Carter called a guy from Costa Luna who she thought was trust worthy (nice going, lady) so he shows up at Homecoming. It happens to be a Masquerade thing, which is not good for our villain.
Most villains would barge in go “GIVE ME THE PRINCESS BITCH” but he sneaks around. Earlier he went big instead of small, now it’s the opposite! Besides, people should be questioning him either way.
Rosie is crowned Homecoming Queen and she goes up to the stage. Kane found Carter and mistook her for the queen and they leave. Dude, they look nothing alike, mask or no mask. This baddie is kind of dumb sometimes.
Rosie goes over what she learned, and thanks Carter for teaching her these things. Wait, Carter didn’t go I NEED AN ADULT on Kane’s ass? This movie is stupid sometimes.
Rosie quickly discovers Carter is gone and heads to the roof to find her and Kane about to hop a Helicopter. How did they get that there without anyone noticing? Also, Chelsea is defeated quickly. She was pointless but still less pointless than the Alpha Bitch in Better boy.
As it turns out, The Helicopter contains Carter’s Dad and the head of PPP. ….Heh, PPP. Yeah, this whole thing was a big plan set up but they never explain it….so yeah.
Kane runs away, but he stops to laugh evily and Dad tackles him and cuffs him.
“How does it feel to be defeated by a 16 year old girl?”
“Not so hot”
…That was the most hilariously lame villain defeat EVER.
Carter and Rosie hug and it’s all sweet and stuff. Then we cut to Costa Luna (guess nothing interesting happened on the way there) as Rosie is crowned Queen. Weird how a DCOM solves the Disney Princess problem.
Everyone cheers, everyone smiles, there’s another pop song, and the credits roll. Yeah ,abrupt endings don’t shock me anymore. Besides, things wrapped up okay and there are no lose ends. Also, anyone else happy no one hooked up for once in a DCOM? Even HTBABB went on a weird path to do that…
You know how some say a movie is serviceable? Yeah, that’s this movie in a nutshell, at least on a critical level. While some DCOM’s need deep critiques, I can say this one is just serviceable.
While some DCOM’s may have questionable content, this one is largely inoffensive. Then again, so is Camp Rock and look what I thought of that one. The story hits all the beats you expect and the characters fulfill the roles you expected. Critically, it’s one of the better “Guilty Pleasures” due to a lack of truly baffling content.
Selena has done better (See: Wizards of Wavery Place the Movie) but she did a decent job, adding in her usually edgy charm. Granted, the character is the same as her other characters and she can be a bit too bitchy at some points but she deveops okay.
Demi is decent, doing a better job than in Camp Rock, as she has a certain regal quality to her. She and Selena work well together and I like that they had them both develop, as Carter learns that there’s more to being a princess and Rosie learns….something.
The Alpha Bitch is pointless but a lot of fun and one of the better ones out there. She’s no Shapray but she’s fine. The other characters are pointless, but the villain was awesome. He hammed it big time and he seemed to enjoy the role a lot. Even if his defeat was pathetic as all hell.
There are some nice moments in there, as well as dumb moments. Really, this movie’s biggest crime is being kind of cliché and dumb in some parts. Otherwise, it’s as harmless as they come. While it is better than some other DCOM’s, I just like others more.
But it’s still an okay movie for what it is. Yes, since it stars Selena and Gomez and has a writer from 16 Wishes, it should be THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE, but it’s fine as it is. Not the best DCOM, nor the best Selena role, but it’s ….fine, I suppose.
Critical Grade: C+
Personal Grade: B-
Next time, we make our first real trip to 2014 cinema, and its a bit nutty.