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Weird shit happened.
Spongey didn’t know about the weird-ness he was about to unleashed. Join us now as we enter a dimension not of sight or sound, but loss of creativity. You have entered ELSEWORLD’S MONTH!
UNIVERSE 654-A: Nostalgia Critic
Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.
Let me try something: My Little Pony. …Chances are, you either exploded with excitement, or with anger. Either way, no one blames you. I’m pretty sure you’ll all familiar with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the series that launched a billion idiots. Idiots who love it, and idiots who hate it.
Now, I know the idea of someone enjoying a show targeted at a younger audience is nothing new, but this series took it to the next level. I personally, don’t care how you feel about it, as long as you’re an asshole about it.
And really, not being an asshole is a universal concept.
But there is one thing that both Bronies and Haters love to bash: The earlier generations. And really, who can blame them? From day 1, My Little Pony was just a cheap cartoon made to sell toys. The franchise had many downs and ….less terrible downs, before the current series came along.
I’m sure you all want me to suffer through G3, you suck fucks that you are. But I thought it would be interesting to back to the very beginning. And by that, I mean I’m reviewing the very first My Little Pony special ever made.
So Bronies, Anti-Bronies, and people who don’t a give shit either way, let’s see how this girly toy commercial got it’s start.
This, is Rescue at Midnight Castle
The special starts with that diabetes inducing theme you all had in your head, whether you liked it or not. We get everything you remember: Girl colors, girly ponies, and girly cheap animation.
“Look out Twilight, here I go!”
Look out, before Hunger Games steals your popularity because it’s 100000 times better!
We see some ponies doing pony things, as one named Firefly does a dangerous stunt that gets some poor apples injured.
My Little Pony was filmed in front of a captive studio audience.
The equines fun is interrupted by these creatures called Stratadons, which look way too badass for this show. This evil winged guy uses them to steal one of the ponies, and Firefly goes after them.
The other ponies react by yelling obviously.
“No! Come back! It’s too dangerous! Come back! Come back1”
Screaming at the top of your lungs in an annoying voice will surly help in this situtation!
After making the brilliant decision to introduce conflict with little to no introduction, the special cuts to Midnight Castle, as we our villain, Tirac. And to be honest, he’s pretty awesome.
I’m serious. He’s in the shadows for the time being, he has an imposing presence, and a freaking awesome voice.
“I need 4 Ponies for my chariot. Not one, not two, not three. Four!”
This guy has gotten somewhat of a following for being way too badass for My Little Pony, nad it’s very well deserved. Granted, I have no idea why he wanted ponies for a chariot, but I bet the reasoning will make perfect sense.
After Dr Claw here is done talking, we cut to our obligatory human sugurate character, Megan, as she discovers Firefly.
“A talking pony?!”
That’s even weirder than A Talking Cat!?!
“I can fly too!”
…Good to know?
My sentiments exactly. Seriously, I don’t understand anything right now. Is this human in a different world? How did we get here? If this is still Pony land, what sense does that make? Why is there a human in pony land? Is there after the Apocalypse where ponies have taken over the world?
…Actually, that would be kind of awesome. But either, Megan, of course, doesn’t ask any questions and just rolls with it.
Yes, hop on the talking pony you barely know. That’s a great idea!
After kidnapping an innocent kid, Firefly starts singing. Because dammit, we get paid extra for every crappy song we shit out. Okay, the song isn’t THAT bad, but it’s nothing special either. After that pointless detour, Firefly takes Megan back home to help.
No one questions the strange fleshy being standing before them, mostly because you don’t have time to ask questions when Stratadons are attacking. More ponies are kidnapped, thanks to our ineffectual heroes and they are taken to Tirac.
Tirac reveals himself, and he looks pretty cool. He has this whole centaur thing going on, which raises a lot of questions, but he’s too awesome to obey logic.
“Behold, the power of Darnkess!”
He sucks one pony into a bag, because she’s too small to pull the chariot.
“They belong to me now…and Scorpcan. If I don’t have a 4th pony, a head will roll!”
….You sure this is My Little Pony? Sure he didn’t accidentally get lost on his way to He-Man or something? I mean seriously, what is this guy doing here? Everything him is bland and saccharine and he’s….well he’s not saccharine, that’s for sure.
Back with our heroes, they are on their way to Midnight Castle when a pony named Applejack falls into the water, forcing Megan to save her. And then…we meet the Seaponies.
Yeah, remember these guys? They somehow see Megan and AJ right away, they sing a song, they save them and they leave.
BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!
Seriously, what was up with that? They come and go so quickly, you barely have time to question it! This whole scene barely lasts two minutes! It’s like a drive by rescue. What is every rescue happened like that?
INSERT SKIT I’M TOO LAZY TOO WRITE HERE
It would be like that!
After …that, our heroes visit a mushroom village to meet a wizard gnome…troll….thing. And once again, no one questions anything. Seriously, will this special ever explain anything?
He explains that they have to steal Tirac’s Rainbow of Darkness which gives him his power. If you guessed that it isn’t explained either, Congratulations, you win nothing. Mr Moonchick (or whatever his name) is says they need a rainbow a light, so they go inside his house to find one.
This leads to yet ANOTHER song. Seriously, why do they feel the need to cram a song into every scene? At least this one has a point to it, and honestly, it is kind of catchy. After that bit of pointless-ness, his rabbit finds a piece of rainbow. Because….why not?
“It’s better than nothing!”
The ponies make it to Midnight Castle, and in a desperate attempt to shoot down my earlier claim, they call on the Sea Ponies. At least the song was still pointless. Back with our villains. Scropan turns on Tirac and rescues the ponies because….reasons. Can you say weakest face heel turn ever?
While that’s going on, our heroes get into the castle only to bump into Centaur Mcawesome here. Scropcan shows up to rescue them and we get a chase scene. It seems like it’s too late as Tirac ascends into the sky with his chariot to bring about never ending night.
You know, the whole “Never ending night thing” never made sense to me. How does that help you besides preventing the happy sun from coming up? Besides, wouldn’t that screw up the Earth’s rotation somehow and thus bringing you more bad than good? I’m no Astronomer but I’m pretty sure that would mess up something.
Anyway, Scorpan tries to stop him and….he gets his ass handed to him. Insert Shoulder Shrug and Wah wah sound here.
Naturally, the bland human and flying pony are here to stop the evil guy instead the..other evil guy. They get the rainbow of Darkness (which looks nothing like a rainbow) and play Monkey in the middle with it but Tirac gets it. But thankfully, thanks to the gnome wizard…thing, they have the POWER OF PLOT CONVENIENCE!
Defying all logic, a tiny of piece rainbow completely owns the big Dark rainbow, and the power of good engulfs Tirac. And with that, he is defeated and happiness is brought back to Pony land and blah blah blah.
Also, it turns out Scropan is a human prince. ….Wait, what?
“Tirac turned me into Scropan when he took over my kindgdom”
That…would have nice to know. Maybe we could have built a better story around this instead of hastily putting this in at the last minute. No? Okay then.
And…it just kind of ends. No wrap up, no lesson. Nothing. …Whatever, I’ll just assume Spike killed them all.
So that was Rescue at Midnight Castle and it was….exactly what you would expect. The story is incredibly basic, the characters are as interesting as sand aper, and the pacing is just crap. You aren’t given any time to care about whats going on, and the entire just goes by way too way fast.
But….it’s not the worst thing ever. There’s nothing really offensive about it, and it’s relativity harmless for the target audience. Not to mention that AWESOME villain. Sure, his plan is lame and all that, but he’s still better than this thing deserves.
Overall, this special is lame but it’s harmless and even kind of fun to riff on. A far cry from the current version, but it’s also a far cry from Generation 3. Now that is some horffying stuff.
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
….I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.
One dimension down, many to go. See what other horrors you shall see. Next time on ELSEWORLDS MONTH!
Nostalgia Critic belongs to Doug Walker/Channel Awesome.