Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

Awful movie, bad job!

Awful movie, bad job!

“There is a scene in this film where a character is defecated on by several people at the same time and I dunno….I didn’t enjoy it” – Roger Ebert

Hello, Spongey here.

Tim And Eric. What the hell am I supposed to say? For once, I don’t have a fancy introduction. It’s…Tim and Eric. That’s it. But of course, I have to say more, so I will.

“Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!” is a pompously titled show created by Tim Heidecker and Eric Warheim. It’s a sketch show about….things. Okay, I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t want to change that.

I’ve seen clips and it doesn’t really appeal to me. It’s just….weird anti-humor. In a bad way. I like surreal humor, but Tim and Eric isn’t really my thing.

But, there was an episode with Tommmy Wiseau in it. …So that’s something.

It’s just dumb. And for some reason, it has a cult fanbase. With the hatred for any show that has a hint of dumb humor, it would hated. And it is, but it has quite the fan base. I’m not usre why, but the point of a cult is to excluded, so you got me.

If you like, fine. I just…don’t. And it popular enough to get a movie….for some reason. I don’t care if you’re the biggest fan of this show. Even you have to admit it didn’t need to movie. And it’s not like oyu can’t make a movie out a sketch series. You can, if you have a certain character of situation you can make a film out of.

Though just cuz you can, doesn’t mean you should. I’m looking at you, It’s Pat.

This isn’t quite a sketch show in the way some others are, so I guess this was just a showcase for the stars sense of “Humor”. Either way, it came out in limited realse and shock of all shockers, it got bad reviews.

Well, the fans liked it…as did AV club. Wait, what? The site that is harsh on every other movie likes this crap?! I hope that reviewer got fired or something.

Either way, I’m not looking forward to this one. But hey, maybe it could be good. …Okay, it won’t but I’m an optimistic guy. Let’s just see how they made a movie out of Tim and Eric.

This, is Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

The movie opens with….an advertisment for a product by…Schalaaang corporation. We’re off to a great start. Jeff Goldulm (really) tells us about the Schlang super seat, a weird movie theater that essentially makes you stupid and makes you watch the movie Clockwork orange style.

The only way anyone can  be found watching this movie.

After that, we get at least 30 seconds of logos (Ding?), all of which are marked Schlaang. I don’t know. Actually, there are WAAAAAAAY too many logos. I suppose this is supposed to be a spoof of never ending logos, but it goes on for WAY too long.

The movie finally opens with a long bit of a guy named Diamond Jim. It gives us our credits, so I assume this is our movie. Hes a dude in a diamond jacket (think Edward as a human) and it’s done in the style of a cheesy romance, where he romances a lady.

And there is not a single joke. It’s done straight and it goes on for far too long. I get that not every line needs a joke but I thought this was a comedy!

He gets a woman and…roll credits. Well, that was a short movie.

Fin-

Oh, I’m just kidding. No, that was actually a fake movie being viewed by some dudes.

“What the fuck was that?”

My thoughts exactly.

The movie was made by  Tim and Eric, and a narrator pipes in.

“They were given one billion dollars to make their first feature film by this man, Tommy Schlaang”

“I paid one billion dollars for that piece of shit?”

This movie in a nutshell.

We are told that they did not spend their money wisely and that film was the result. It would have been nice to SEE this but nope, the writers thought it was too coherent.

Instead, the boys now have to make all that money back or their ass is grass. Hey, a coherent story! I didn’t expect that.

One of the things they wasted their money on was a personal Guru, played by Zack Galifanakis, and here they tell him he is fired. It gets really depressing and he falls into their pool. It’s a pointlessly long segment, and there no jokes.

We are now 10 minutes into this comedy and there is no …COMEDY! Even FRED had comedy at this point .I’ll take bad comedy over no comedy! GIVE ME SOMETHING!

After that, Jim Joe leaves and our heroes go to a night club to drown their sorrows.

“I want to go dumb”

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

We get a montage of them doing club things, and sadly it’s the closest to humor we’ve had so far. And it’s just a bunch of sex acts and weird noises. They even have voice clips from earlier played over it and repeated.

This isn’t a Tim and Eric movie. IT’S A YOUTUBE POOP! But even those have humor!

After that, they see an ad saying you can make a billion dollars by running a Mall owned by some guy played by Will Ferrel. Really, Will? Even this is below your standards. The ad features obvious footage from other ads, but with “billion dollars” played over the product of that ad.

For example, a guy says “I love this billion dollars” with the latter part being dubbed in. …And it’s kind of amusing.

HOLY SHIT AN ACTUAL FUNNY JOKE RUN.

So they make their own company and leave to go fun that mall. Tommy Schlang hears about it, and goes over the many gruesome things we want to do to Tim and Eric at this point. The two go a hotel for the night and they shave each other.

That’s it. It’s a slow montage of them shaving various parts of the body, in their room and in the bathtub. There are no jokes unless you wanna count “Vague homoerotic montage’ as a joke.

As it does but it’s so boring and tedious that it feels like there are no jokes to be found. After that montage, they go to bed and Eric masturbates to a photo of a hot chick from that chimerical.

That’s it. That’s the joke. There’s not even a punchline.

This is a Comedy, right? Wikipedia/Netflix didn’t make a mistake? Cuz last I checked, Comedies are supposed to have jokes. And I get Anti-Humor, and maybe the lack of jokes is itself the joke, but it’s not funny. At all.

There’s nothing to talk about cuz it’s so freaking BORING! Even Criag Moss knows how to make his comedies look like comedies! This is just…dull.

The next day, the boys arrive at the mall and meet Will. They ask him about the mall…and will has them watch Top Gun. Then they watch it again. Then awkward silence.

…Even the Tumbleweed refuses to come by at this point.

Through this entire bit, it feels like there is supposed to humor present (which is a step up) but it still feels like there are no jokes. They finally discuss business but Will just keeps doing weird stuff and it’s…..not funny.

So they finally have the mall, and they meet Taquito, Will’s nephew, played by John C Riley, that now works for our heroes. Then he sings. It’s kind of a joke but it’s not funny. Will runs away and…a narrating pipes in to tell us that this film continues some themes, and he shows up clips that are meant to reinforce the themes.

…There have been times where I have nothing to say about a movie. But that’s usually because I didn’t have any funny to say. But this? This literally has NOTHING for me to talk about!

The following clip is just dull and joke-less, like the rest of the movie so far. I mean, what can I say about a movie like this? Even 41 year old virgin, Fred, and Jack & Jill gave me something to talk, because THINGS HAPPENED in them.

We’re 32 minutes in and it feels like an eternity.

After that, we cut to Tommy as this guy talks to Tim and Eric’s parents. Guess what? There are no jokes and it’s not funny. You know, every bit that is played by for drama is done…okay. The acting is solid and the direction here is fine.

Maybe this was supposed to a real movie but they re-edited it to make it a Comedy. I’d buy it at this point!

Our heroes take a tour of the mall and meet the owner of a sword store. He gets pissed cuz he doesn’t like change.

Oh hey, it’s EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET EVER.

“We look forward to doing business with you”

A FUNNY JOKE RUN AWAY.

Tim and Eric head to Taqutio’s place and go to bed, after more things that are not jokes. Then we get an ad for their company, Dobis. It involves a song, which is repetitive. But it’s the most tolerable part of the movie so far.

This ad is being viewed at a …thing, where our heroes tell people about how they plan to change the mall. They go on about how they will fix the mall, and then they yell Dobis a lot. Then they check out some of the stores, one of which sells used Toilet paper. It’s funny cuz it’s not.

“Is that shit?”

I don’t know, but this movie is shit.

They tell the owner that the store is being shut down, even after seeing how important it is to his family. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

But he’s okay with it cuz they make him the janitor. That had a point to it. After a mall fixing montage, we randomly get an ad for “Shrim healing center” which consists of people shouting SHRIM.

Cuz….that’s….a joke?

After….that, they meet the chick Eric fapped to earlier. They set up a date, and you know by now that there are no jokes to be found. But later on, Tim tells Eric he has focusing too much on Katie, and not enough on the task at hand. Even though he hasn’t mentioned her…twice since she appeared.

This turns into an argument….and we another clip about a theme of the movie. This one makes more sense but it still has no jokes in it. We cut back to Tommy and our duos parents, as he cuts their fingers off. There are no jokes, but I suppose this meant to be serious-ish. It actually works in that regard cuz Tommy hams it up but it’s still not interesting.

By the way, Tim took the toilet paper guy’s son and is now raising him as his own son. I say that cuz they start up a song before Eric interrupts. The son thing is weird and pointless…but the song was a bit amusing.

“Sorry, I was lost in my music”

HOLY SHIT THEY ATTEMPTED HUMOR.

That night, Eric goes on a date with Katie to this comedy club…..thing. Yes, the jokes there are funnier than the rest of the movie because they are actual jokes.

Eric starts having an acid trip cuz of this “Spanish fly” thing he took and Katie takes him to the Shrim place, cuz we needed to see that again. Eric does some stuff with this guy and eventually he is put in a bathtub and we cut to Tim doing it with Katie. Yeah, I skipped a bit where Tim popped up to talk to her, and now he’s stealing Eric’s girlfriend.

What a dick. This is just gonna piss off Eric, and you’re business will do even worse! Being random shouldn’t mean your characters do dumb ass shit like this!

While that is going on, some Shrim people pop up and shit on Eric. I should mention that I started eating before this part started. That was a bad idea. And it’s intercut with bits of Tim and Katie doing weird sex stuff.

Well….it’s close to being humor. Sadly, it’s really shitty humor. I don’t care if it’s avant grarde or whatever, shit and sex are not automatically funny.

After….that, we cut to the next morning as a shit covered Eric leaves and finds Tim with Katie. Did we really need the shit scene to get to this part? Anyway, we have a cliché here, and it’s not even ironic about it.

“I saved you Eric. She was dead weight, she’s making you soft”

See my earlier statement.

“She was not making me soft!”

“She was making you soft!”

“She was not making me soft!”

“She was making you soft!”

“She’s not making me soft….she’s making me hard. Rock hard”

….

“Sometimes, when you’re writing you, you look for opportunities for moments that just take you out of the scene and just add a joke. The jag was we were doing soft soft soft, and out of nowhere we go hard”

“Boom! Laugh”

“We fought for a laugh track, but they said no.

1. That was actually funny until you explained it.

2. If the explanation was the joke, it was almost funny until you dragged it out.

3. Even if there was a laugh track, it wouldn’t matter cuz there are no jokes to laugh at to start with.

But hey, C+ for effort on that one.

When the plot kicks in like nothing happened (Can’t be a BLAM if it didn’t make sense to start with), Tim reveals that he gave Eric the Spanish fly stuff to distract him. Eric is not happy so they fight.

It’s nice to have conflict but too bad it’s half baked. They don’t actually punch each other, they just miss but they react like they were punched. Okay, that’s kind of funny.

Eventually the fight winds down and the two apologize. Just like that. WEAK!

With that, we get an ad for the grand reopening of the mall. It has a joke in it. It’s still not funny. Tommy sees this and now he’s ready to strike. Wait, he waited THIS long to go after them? He had no way of finding him until now?

We cut to the reopening which is interrupted by an out of nowhere wolf. Taqutio hatches a plan to stop it. He covers himself in pizza and he gets killed by the wolf.

“He saved the mall”

…That was fast. It wasn’t even funny cuz guess what? NO JOKES.

Will Ferrel returns for some reason and he finds out that Taqutio is….still alive. Crap, even this movie had a Disney Death. Will is happy that his nephew saved the mall, but he asks will to put him to sleep forever. He shoots him but it doesn’t work.

He shoots him again. He’s still not dead. Again. Still alive.

“Just die, Taqutio”

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY! I really hate overly long gags, and this one ain’t funny.

It goes even longer until he finally fucking dies. Then they move on like nothing happened. ….That had a point to it.

The reopening starts, and Tim thinks they won’t make the money they need. Eric says it doesn’t matter anymore because friendship. Eric kisses Katie, and they all have a happy moment.

“Guess we’re gonna be here forever”

Naturally, Tommy’s goons show up. By the way, Jefferey, the kid can’t act. Just thought I’d say that. Tommy and the guns tell them to come out or they will get blown up. They have Reggie the toilet paper guy go outside and talk to the men.

They kill him. Wah wah.

It turns out the sword store guy told Tommy about Tim and Eric. The bad guys turn on him so he apologizes to the duo. They kill him.

“That’s for betraying us Allen!”

….Wow. Having our heroes kill a guy after he has apologized isn’t funny. At all.

After that, Eric proposes to Katie (cuz it’s not like they are in danger or anything) and she says yes…before she is shot. Gee, it’s like proposing during a crisis was a bad idea!

So I have two ways to see this part. A spoof of overdramtic romance stuff, or a straight example. As a spoof, it fails cuz all they did was play it straight in a slightly dumb manner. As usual, no jokes were involved.

As a straight example, it fails cuz the romance was a interesting as wood. As usual, the writers have no idea how to write. This makes Eric so he pissed that they jump into action. This leads to a slow mo action scene and a “heartfelt” bit with Jeffery that fails.

And after only a couple minutes, they kill the bad guys. Does this movie know how to do a proper climax to a conflict?

“We did it buddy. We really did it”

They stare at the screen and..

“Tim and Eric were sentenced to death for the murders of Tommy Schlaaang, Earle Swinter, Cornell boom, deen stunts, Monye pointer, rand fletcher, katie hill, Taquito, Allen bishopman, Reggie pish, and Jeffery Phish Heidecker”

….Well, at least we got a happy ending.

Oh wait, that whole thing was a movie they made and we see them showing it to Steven Speilberg. It’s not really, thank god, but he does say this is the greatest film of all time.

They celebrate their success and…roll credits. Wait, what? That’s it? What was with the movie? Did any of the events happen for real?

….I guess not. I think I just got trolled. It being a movie explains all of the flaws with the story and everything. ….Is this their way of excusing their shitty movie?

If so….worst. Excuse. Ever. I’m not even sure what to make of this ending…much like the whole fucking movie.

By the way, the credits feature a song whose lyrics consist of “Tim and Eric’s billion dollar movie is gone”

Thank god.

Final Thoughts:

This….was a movie I just watched.

Ani-Mat describe Mr Magoo as a “Humorless comedy”. He said that because he didn’t watch Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar movie. This was a Humor-less Comedy. Where do I I even begin?

I’ve seen reviews saying that this movie is an “acquired taste” due to how gross and weird the humor is. I don’t think of those people saw the movie, because THERE IS NO HUMOR HERE.

Even weird and gross humor would be fine. Hell, there is weird/gross humor here but it’s not much. Plus, it sucks. Okay, there is humor but for the most part it’s a NO joke film,. I’ve never seen such a humorless comedy since….well 41 year old virgin.

This is not nearly as bad as that, but it’s arguably worse. Even with that movie, I could what they were trying to do. This? Not so much. Someone said this was the comedy equivalent of an arthouse film where you don’t know what is going on.

In that case, this is the Serbian Film of comedies. A film that shows you pointless crap and says you don’t get it if you bitch about it. Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh.

Near the end, I started to see what they were trying to do, and away, I can see the appeal of some bits. But as hard I try, I don’t get why people describe the humor like it exists. There is no humor.

Most of it is just….things happening with no humor to be found. When they try humor, it’s hit or miss. I did laugh at times, but then we get stuff like the shit scene. That is humor, but it’s really bad humor.

Just judging it as a mindless flick, it fails cuz it’s not funny at all. I am saying this is a normal film goer, not a critic. In a way, you could argue that the lack of humor IS the humor. In that case, I just didn’t find it very funny.

If this is trying to be Avant Garde, it ain’t doing it for me. But wait, let’s go back to that AV Club review for a moment:

‘Feels genuinely dangerous and transgressive. It makes a virtue of going way to far because other comedies don’t go far enough”

….No. This movie doesn’t go far it all. It’s not dangerous. It’s not boundary pushing. It’s the same shit we’ve seen before but with 99 percent less humor. Who wrote that crap?!

As for the story, it’s shockingly coherent. However, it is full of cliches that are played straight, and worst of all, it’s full of filler. They can’t decide if it’s a bunch of sketches or a real story. The characters are either bland or annoying, with some moments making them unlikable.

If it’s supposed to be funny, it’s not. I really don’t know what they were going for here. On every level, it fails. Though to be fair, cuz it’s not really….annoying in the way something like Fred it, it could considered so bad it’s art, due to how odd it is.

If you feel that way, rock on. Me? I can stomach it in parts but as a whole this was a test of endurance, man. On the plus side, the acting is decent all around (except for Jefferey but he’s just a kid) and the serious moments are done competently

Maybe they should do drama. Give them an okay script, and they could be good. But as Comedians, Tim and Eric fail. If they just stuck to the format of the show, maybe it would have been…less bad. Still not good, but less bad.

But nope, they had to make this piece of shit. It’s bad guys. It’s weird, and it has very few jokes in it. I’m sure I’ll get comments saying it’s genius, but sorry, it aint’. Maybe this grade is too harsh but screw it.

Grade: D+

Whoa, haven’t dished that out to a non Repeat offender in a long time. Next time, we go back to the world of Tinkerbell.

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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2 Responses to Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

  1. jarvish meenkly says:

    You can hate all you want but Top Gun from the top and Shrim e’ry day

  2. Druce Bringus says:

    Ya blew it!

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