Hello, Dr Doofenshmirtz here!
And I’m Major Monogram!
Yes, I am back for-wait wait stop the Earth. Monogram? What are you doing here?
Well, as you know, two years ago you got into this kids computer to post a review of My Little Pony: The Movie. I don’t know where you were last year, but I figured you would try again this year. So I came here to stop you!
…Yeah I know, I was there. I did it.
I wasn’t taking to you, I was talking to them!
….Okay. Well, sorry for the interruption my readers. Since I took over this blog 2 years ago, I thought I would do it again!
Um, Doof, I was in the middle of getting rid of you.
Yeah, no. I’m here to stay!
Doof, this isn’t even evil. You’re taking over an 18 year old kid’s blog. Though I suppose it is a step up from your usual plans.
Oh come on, insulting a whale’s Macaroni recipe was my most evil fe-okay, you’re right. How about we make a comprise?
What do you mean?
Well, I want to be here spreading my evil. You want me out. Why don’t we….do the review together?
Us? Work together? That has never happened….except for the like….2 times it did happen.
What do you say? I can make the crazy skeptical one, and you be the grounded, optimistic one. If all goes well, we can have our sitcom!
No to the review, or no to the sitcom?
Does that mean you want to do the review?!
….Fine. Today is a slow day anyway. I guess reviewing a movie could be fun.
Yes! Are you ready to go over a movie chronologically while we are next to each other at a computer?
None of this makes any sense.
My neemsies is a Platypus. This is normal by comparassion.
True. So what movie are we reviewing?
Well, it’s the movie this kid had on his schedule. I did some research and apparently it’s one of those low budget Direct to DVD flicks that grandmothers get their kids, thinking it’s a real movie. Seriously, you have no idea how many times I rented a movie, back when that was a thing, for Vanessa thinking it’s going to be good, and instead it’s a low budget poop fest with no logic whatsoever.
Oh, you mean like those silly movies with animals being in very unanimal like situations
I know, those are so stupid!
You would never catch me with an animal doing things animals don’t do! ….Wait.
Well, it’s too bad this movie falls until that cateorgy. Appearntly, the director keeps making movies in his house for 5 bucks. Including some….rather…..adult fare.
…..And this is a children’s film?
….Let’s just start the movie.
This, is A Talking Cat!?!
Wait, is that the title?
Yep. The director must think putting question makes and exclamation points makes your title more exciting. I think I’ll name my upcoming film “The Amazing Scientest who takes over the tri state area?!?”.
….Just press play.
DOOF: The movie opens with some shots of the woods with some annoying repetitive music. I hope we don’t hear more of that. This cat pops up and he starts talking.
“I like the woods. I always have”
MONOGRAM: Wait, what’s up with his voice? He sounds like me when I get up on the wrong side of the bed.
DOOF: Yeah, I mean he sounds like a tired Eric Roberts, and I think he recorded this in an airport bathroom, because that’s what it sounds like!
MONOGRAM: Aren’t children’s movie animal supposed to sound wacky or….invested?
DOOF: Not this one, I guess.
“People nowadays are way too concerned with their shiny tiny beeping machines”
DOOF: Okay, that, I agree with.
MONOGRAM: Says someone who uses beeping machines every day
DOOF: It’s for work, it’s totally different.
MONOGRAM: After the cat finishes “talking”, we get the opening credits which consist of the cat doing adorable things.
DOOF: And if that’s not enough for you, have a ton of filters over this footage! Still not enough? How about more repetitive music?
MONOGRAM: I don’t know, it’s kind of catchy. I just hope they don’t overdo it.
DOOF: After what feels like forever, the film really starts with a middle aged Dad walking into his house. I don’t know about you, but I am wowed by the excitement of A Talking Cat?!?
MONOGRAM: And what is with his house? It’s not only huge, but it has a small car….thing in it, and he has what looks a coat rack with red boots.
“That is thing is hideous. What was I thinking?”
DOOF: My thoughts exactly.
MONOGRAM: He talks to his teenage son and he tells him his company has been sold, and he has enough money to retire. As someone who is well over his age, I can tell you that if you ever have a son, you will never retire until he’s dead ….Not that I know from experience.
DOOF: After Every teenage boy ever finishes talking with his Dad, he goes upstairs. And we see every single second of his journey up the stairs!
MONGRAM: I haven’t made a movie in awhile, but I’m pretty sure we use cuts to skip over these parts.
DOOF: ….In awhile?
MONOGRAM: It’s a long story.
DOOF: Chris gets a call from his love interest-i mean some girl. She says her teacher suggested he tutor her, and she somehow got his number.
“Uh yeah, he mentioned that thing with the me tutoring of you, uh…yeah”
MONOGRAM: Wow, this is the most awkward kid ever.
DOOF: I know, he speaks like a foreign person who will never understand English.
MONOGRAM: She’s tutoring him in English, and I can see why.
“I’m good at English”
“Are you sure?”
“I am so lame”
DOOF: Refer to our previous statement.
MONOGRAM: The cat pops up and Chris drops everything he’s doing to figure out the mystery of the appearing cat.
DOOF: And then he just talks to his Dad about girls, like nothing happened. I would complain but the idea of Chris talking about girls is too scary for me to think anymore thoughts.
MONOGRAM: Then they see the cat again, make a deal out of it….and drop it again.
DOOF: Can this movie focus on something for more than 5 seconds?
MONOGRAM: Our goldfish agents have better attention spans!
DOOF: So we leave one awkward family for another, as we meet a girl named Tina who apparently begs her Mom to go to Business School. Like all teenage girls!
MONOGRAM: She is joined by her equally annoying underachieving jerk brother.
“At least I have direction and purpose”
DOOF: Unlike this movie.
“If you had a personality, you might have a future”
MONOGRAM: Oh, he’s got you there.
“I hate you Trent”
DOOF: Did I zap everyone in this movie with an Awkward inator or something?
MONOGRAM: What kind of use would an “Awkward” inator have?
DOOF: Oh, it’s tomorrow’s plan. Don’t ask, it’s a long backstory.
“Can you give it a rest and find my shoes, or I won’t feed you this week”
DOOF: You sound like my mother!
MONOGRAM: ….I really pity you sometimes.
DOOF: The cat pops up again and vanishes just as quickly.
MONOGRAM: He must be on a stealth mission. Could be one of our agents.
DOOF: I hope all your agents aren’t like him. I don’t want to deal with A Talking Platypus?!?
“I’m Duffy and I’m a human whispering”
DOOF: Duffy? Come on, that’s not even alliterative!
MONOGRAM: Back with Chris, his lady friend is coming to visit, and tells Dad to stay out of the way.
“So you don’t want your old man to mess up your girl time?”
DOOF: Yeah, that would my reaction, too.
MONOGRAM: The cat comes back, the very next day, with his failed attempts at snarking.
DOOF: And apparently he’s Garfield because he’s only talked in his mind so far.
MONOGRAM: After that, Chris’ girl shows up.
“Does it always smell like waffles?”
DOOF: Context won’t help that one.
MONOGRAM: They head outside and the girl notices the catalogers
“I don’t know what he’s doing here”
“I heard that!”
DOOF: To be fair, I still don’t know what he’s doing here either.
“I like cats”
“And Cats like you too, Mmhmm”
BOTH: Uh…..No comment.
“So you don’t read at all?”
“Why? When there’s movies and TV”
DOOF: Wow, this girl is an airhead.
MONOGRAM: I don’t really understand what is even going on right now. I’m not exactly a film critic but I know some really awkward dialogue when I see it!
DOOF: Hey, didn’t I say earlier you would be the grounded, optimistic one? So far, you’ve been like anyone who would review this movie.
MONOGRAM: That’s what it does to you.
“You could explain to me what’s going on in the books while I swim in your pool”
DOOF: A few of years of dealing with Vanessa have taught me that every Study Date leaves out the study part, but she’s not even being subtle here!
“What the heck, cat?”
“Don’t look at me. I might be here you humans but explain your irrational behavior is beyond me”
MONOGRAM: Okay, that was funny.
DOOF: After striking out due to his sheer awkward-ness, he sulks in his room for a second.
“That was horrible”
MONOGRAM: We are right there with you.
DOOF: The girl leaves for no reason, as does the Cat. He goes back to Chris’ Dad’s place and he spots the cat on his couch.
“That sure was random!”
MONOGRAM: You should have said that 10 minutes ago when random things in this film surprised me.
DOOF: Dad gets Duffy something to eat and we cut back to that other girl with the horrible Mom. What follows is more awkward sibling bickering that makes me glad Roger didn’t talk to me that much.
MONOGRAM: Then the girls talks on the phone, and because we don’t see the other person, we hear say “I know” a lot.
DOOF: Once again, the excitement of A Talking Cat?!?
MONOGRAM: And it’s at this point, 24 minutes in, that the cat actually talks.
“Read your beeping machine”
DOOF: And of course, he has the worst lip movements ever. I can’t even call them that, because that requires actually movement!
MONOGRAM: It’s just a small black hole in his mouth that just kind of moves a bit.
DOOF: Man, even my home movies had better effects!
MONOGRAM: Your home….actually, I don’t want to know.
“You’re a cat”
DOOF: Really? I thought he was a dog.
“I can only speak to you once. It’s the rules”
MONOGRAM: Who makes these rules?
DOOF: And what does he mean by once? Can he just talk to her in one sitting for hours and it’ll still be the one time, or what?
MONOGRAM: He tells her to look at her computer but instead she freaks out and tells Mom the cat was talking to her.
“He was talking to me. Words, sentences, language…”
DOOF: Thanks for telling us what talking is!
MONOGRAM: Her daughter is telling her about A Talking Cat?!?! but she just brushes it off and asks where Trent is.
DOOF: She thinks Trent did it, for some reason, and goes out to talk to him.
“A Talking Cat? That’s just stupid. That’s the best you could come up with?”
DOOF: I know, what’s next, a secret agent platypus?
“I doesn’t even make sense”
DOOF: …Yes, it does. It’s a talking cat. What part of that don’t you get?
MONOGRAM: She goes on her computer and sees an article talking about Phil, Chris’ Dad, retiring from his company.
DOOF: Wait, if the cat just wanted her to find this, couldn’t he have told her himself? You can talk, use that power!
MONOGRAM: Speaking of talk, the cat visits Phil and tells him to take a walk into the woods.
“Why are you talking?”
“Because I have one chance to, and I thought now might be good”
“You can talk….but only once?”
“I don’t make the rules”
DOOF: Why not use this chance to explain what your overall plan is so they won’t ask stupid questions?
MONOGRAM: He tells Chris about the talking cat!?! but he doesn’t believe him.
“A cat can’t go sir crazy after just one day. Huh?”
“Short answer yes. Long answer, yes”
DOOF: Those are both the same answer, you stupid kid!
MONOGRAM: The next morning, Phil gets ready to start a new life.
DOOF: Now with new kung fu grip!
“And i’m gonna stop talking to straw cats, because that makes no sense at all”
DOOF: It’s as much sense as two young boys building a rollercoaster, but we all know that will never happen!
MONOGRAM: ….I’ll keep my mouth shout.
DOOF: Phil goes on that walk in the woods while Duffy meets up with Trent.
“What’s up with you, Cat?”
“I’m a TALKING cat”
DOOF: No, you’re a talking cat!?!?. Get it right!
“There’s a collar my old owners gave me, buried under a magical tree….that collar lets me help people”
MONOGRAM: How? Does it let you talk? Because you talk just fine without it.
DOOF: Why is it that a movie with a plot so simple can make so little sense?
MONOGRAM: And that’s coming from a guy has spent a few years as a lawn gnome.
DOOF: Oh, thanks for opening up that wound.
MONOGRAM: You’re welcome!
“What’s crazy about it?”
“You’re a cat”
‘You’re a human”
DOOF: I’m an evil scientist. I’m glad we got that covered!
MONOGRAM: Then they talk about Tina has her future planned out, and Trent is a freeloading jerk.
“The destination doesn’t matter, as long as you enjoy the journey”
“What does it mean?”
“Don’t know. Heard it on TV once”
DOOF: Oops, they spliced in audio from the director’s commentary by mistake.
MONOGRAM: After they finish talking, Phil bumps into Tina’s Mom.
DOOF: The two hit it off, starting an amazingly awkward….romance?
“I have two kids the same age. They’re a little bit of a handful, but they’re good kids.”
DOOF: Yes, one who lashes at her brother at every turn, and one who is an idiot. Good kids!
MONOGRAM: See, this is why I currently don’t have kids.
MONOGRAM: Don’t ask, it’s a long story.
“I live in place that has somebody ‘ taste. That taste is pretty awful”
DOOF: I could say the same thing about the writer.
“I look like something the cat dragged in”
DOOF: After that, Phil returns to Chris.
“i just took a walk”
MONOGRAM: Isn’t there a rule about referencing a better movie in your bad movie?
DOOF: Come on, this is much better than those silly fantasy epics! Did that have A talking Cat!?!
MONOGRAM: Quiet you.
DOOF: Franny returns for more torturing but after only a few minutes, she wants to go swimming.
MONOGRAM: This girl has a very poor attention span.
DOOF: Exactly, not at all like-oh look a shiny thing!
“Hamlet is about a guy who can’t see the obvious even though it’s staring him right in the face”
MONOGRAM: Hey, do you think she’s pretending to be dumb in order to get close to him, romantically!
DOOF: Nah, that’s way too predictable. Not at all like this movie.
MONOGRAM: Chris can’t swim so he sits outside until Duffy rears his ugly head.
DOOF: Naturally, Chris doesn’t react to a talking Cat!?! and instead just goes on about his problems. He even moves on to his Daddy issues.
“We have nothing in common”
“You both talked to a cat, didn’t you?”
DOOF: Me and Monobrow both talk to a platypus. Does that make us besties?
MONOGRAM: Seriously, Monobrow again?
DOOF: It’s a classic!
“Do you think Franny likes me?”
MONOGRAM: Duffy runs off, because even he wants no part in this.
DOOF: That day, I mean night, Tina’s Mom tells her kids she has to make cheese puffs for some company, and that means good pay.
MONOGRAM: Knowing this movie, the cheese puffs will talk too.
DOOF: Please, that’s like if cheese puffs were aliens. And that makes no sense!
MONOGRAM: Hey, crazier things have happened.
DOOF: Yeah, like me stopping the movie mid-review!
DOOF: What, did you really think we could make it through this entire movie in one guy when I have better things to do with my time?
MONOGRAM: But you did this last time!
DOOF: No , I didn’t! That was the end of the movie!
MONOGRAM: ….Okay, can you at least tell me how this film ends?
DOOF: Well, I skipped ahead, and the two family hang out together and then Duffy gets hit by a car and dies. The end!
MONOGRAM: ….Are you sure that is how it ends?
DOOF: Yeah, it has a really dark ending!
MONOGRAM: ….Let’s just do our final thoughts. I thought it was-
DOOF: It was a master piece!
DOOF: Yeah! It’s clear this was an evil experiment made to stop kids from watching a movie ever again! And thus, all kids movies will bomb and there will be no more lame kid’s movies! It’s a brilliant scheme! And for that, give it an A+++-+!
MONOGRAM: …I will never understand you, Doof.
DOOF: Oh, I’ll guess you thought a poorly directed, badly writen, awkwardly acted piece of garbage, right?
MONOGRAM: Well, yea-
DOOF: No one cares what you think!
MONOGRAM: ….Except the readers at home.
DOOF: Please, everyone knows I’m the popular one! You only have a fanbase with 40 year old women shippiung you with Carl.
MONOGRAM: ….I hate you.
DOOF: The sky is blue. I can state the obvious too.
MONOGRAM: This review was the strangest mix of fun and frustation I’ve ever expeinced.
DOOF: I loved every minute of it.
MONOGRAM: Of course you did.
DOOF: Wanna do this again? I have some other classic from the director, like an Easter bu-and he’s already gone. Well,…..forget you too!
So uh….how’s the weather?
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!