Hello, Spongey here. Welcome back to Toon’d Out Month 3!
Today, we got another potentially bad one on our hands. This one happens to be a prequel, which only makes it worse. This is a case where I don’t even need to explain the orginal series, because it’s such a well know series.
So instead of going into the history, I’ll skip the boring parts. We already know The Flintstones, that classic animated series about a “modern stone age family, that did stone age humor before it ironically became as old as the stone age.
The adventures of Fred and some other people captivated people so much that it has gotten several spinoffs and films over the years. So of course, they made a live action film in 1994, with John Goodman as Fred.
It got mixed to negative reactions, with some liking it for the set desisng and faithfulness to the cartoon, with others hating it for the cliché plot and sometimes….odd casting. And by I odd, I mean Rose o Donell as Betty.
Whoever thought was a good choice is crazy.
I myself haven’t seen it, since I figured I didn’t need to see it to review the 2000 prequel with none of the cast. No one asked for it, but we got it anyway. Not only did it bomb, but it also awful reviews, even from those who enjoyed the first film.
I haven’t heard that many good things about this, so I can’t wait to tear it apart. It’s from the same director as the first, and he also did Problem Child 2, Jingle All the way, the previously reviewed Scooby Doo The Mystery begins, and…A Christmas Story 2.
…This is gonna suck.
On the writing front, we have FOUR writers. 2 of them did Surviving Christmas, and the other 2 did, of all things, Top Gun.
So is it this the dreaded prequel that should stay in the stone age, or does it……rock? ….Sorry.
This, is The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas
After we see the Univershell (HAW) logo, we cut to ….space, where we see some green aliens in their ship….looking at the Universal logo.
“Did anyone see those letters floating by?”
…Okay, that was funny.
This CGI nightmare you see before you is Gazoo, played by Alan Cumming, who loves to slum it for a paycheck at this point. His alien buddies banish him to Earth to study their mating rituals.
“Why can’t they reporuce like we do?”
The alien then clones himself and the clone is younger. I…did not see this.
So yeah, aliens in the Flintstones. For all ….none of that don’t know….this was in the series. Some shows have a characters that fans point to as proof that show jumped the shark. Gazoo, is that character.
In the show’s final season, Fred meet an alien from the future that only he and Barney can see. …Yeah, you see why this was the last season. And they felt it was a great idea to put this guy in a movie!
He is banished to Earth, and we cut to Fred and Barney, played by Mark Addy and Stephen Baldwin, because the studo was too cheap to get talented actors. From the first bit we see, I can tell these guys do piss poor Fred and Barney impressions.
Since this is a prequel, we join Fred and Barney as they currently are trying to get a job at the quarry. They need to study up for some big test but Fred learns that it is today, not tomorrow. Wah wah!
Fred has to practice that whole thing with the construction machine dinosaur …thing, but he screws up and the dinosaur farts. They hit the fart button about….4 minutes in! Sorry guys, but Craig Moss has you beat at less than minute.
Fred passes anyway (and they wonder why Fred was never the best worker ever) and we cut to Wilma at some place with her friends and rich Mom. If you guessed that Wlma doesn’t like the rich lifestyle, and her Mom looks down on the Bedrock life she longs for, then yay, you’ve seen another movie!
Her friends love Chip but Wilma screams at the thought of being anything like Mom. We cut back to Fred and Barney that night, as Fred is sad that he has no one to share his life with. The thing that makes these cliches even worse, is that this is a prequel, so we already know what is going to happen, even more than in a normal movie!
Why did they even do a prequel with this plot? At least Monsters University offered us some fun things to distract us from the cliches, and it even had a 3rd arc twist that was a nice surprise. Somehow, I doubt this movie can pull off the same thing.
“It’s not like something is gonna fall out of the sky, land in front of you, and change your whole life”
I already made the obvious joke a few reviews ago, so I’ll pass.
Of course, Gazoo lands right there and the two are shocked to see a bad CGI alien, like all of us.
“I am the great Gazoo”
He tells Fred and Barney that he is an epic badass from another planet and yes, the cavemen take the talking alien pretty well after a few seconds. They accept that they alien wants to fuck some humans fuck-i mean mate.
Well, actually they try to beat up the little fucker but he has magic powers so they fail. We …abruptly cut to the next day as Wilma goes to the stone age Burger King known as Bronto king.
Here, we meet a much better cast Betty, who is kind of….not ugly. Because Wilma doesn’t have money on her, and she says she can’t go home, Betty thinks she is caveless. Wilma doesn’t try to explain, which means it will us all in the ass later.
We cut to Fred and Barney about to sleep that night, when the Gazoo appears. Did he just….vanish for a full day when he has “research” to do. He reminds them of his whole mating tihng.
“So…get to it”
A gay joke in a kid’s movie, yay.
“Barney and me don’t um….”
Stop, it wasn’t funny start with.
Another abrupt cut later, Wilma gets a job at Bronto King with Betty, since Better must have have enough power to get a job for someone with no experience. ..Well, it is Burger king, after all.
Fred and Barney arrive there, with the Gazoo, to pick up a girl. Why can’t Gazoo just try to find someone who actually has a girlfriend himself? It would make this movie much shorter, and that is a good thing.
Gazoo tells them that no one can see him but them. Why is that? Never explained, though maybe it was the same in the show, but I never his episodes.
Betty shows up to take their order, and Fred is a tad smitten with her. And…she says yes to date without him even saying a coherent word. I think this is why she isn’t married yet, she says yes any literal drooling caveman!
On top of that, she sets Barney up with Wilma because I should expect the stone age to be pretty primitive when it comes to this kind of stuff. So the next day, they go to the carnival.
By the way, they see a sign advertising “Jurassic Park the ride.
“Who is gonna pay to see Dinosaurs?”
Did I mention Steven Speilberg’s production company helped made this?
Betty laughs, and this gets Barney to fall in love with her .Eh, makes as much as sense as dinosaurs in the stone age. They run off on their own, leaving Fred and Wilma to be paired up.
Okay, I have to mention something that you see in this carnival montage. We see a little girl at a ring toss for a second. That little girl, was an early film role, for….Kristen Stewart.
I am not kidding. Make your own joke here.
…Anyway, Fred plays this bowling game, which only exists to fit in that whole bowling move from the show, and first movie. That and to the fit in the “romantic leads bond when the male has to help the female with something” cliché.
After more stuff, Barney tells Fred some stuff, and then he mentions this about Betty.
“She says we’re gonna to her place, and she’ll make me breakfast. Don’t know what we’re gonna do until then…”
Sex joke? ….If so, than you know the drill.
Fred and Wilma go on a Ferris wheel and have a romantic moment.
“Yours are like two big eyes”
Fred Flinstone: Master Poet.
A few hours later, Fred drops Wilma off at her house, and yeah they have a romantic moment. Pile on the cliches, I don’t care at this point. After a quick romantic montage of both couples, Fred tells Barney about how Wilma might be the one.
After knowing her for all of a few days, naturally.
Wilma and Betty are hanging out at the latter’s place, when Wilma’s mom shows up, rather convenient How did she find her?
“I hired a detective”
As you would expect, Mom isn’t happy about what Wilma is doing, and Wilma bitches at her. Mom tells her this will sadden her father and we abruptly cut to Fred and Barney. By the way, during the carnival scene, Fred happened upon Dino and now he has a pet.
It happened so quickly, it’s like it was forced in to like all prequels force things from the original in!
Anyway, Fred and Barney go to pick up the girls for some party going on that night. Fred tells Barney he will propose to Wilma that night. Again, he’s only known her for a few days! I know this is the stone age, but come on!
So it turns out the party is at Wilma’s family mansion and needless to say, Fred and the others are shocked to find out she is rich. Fred isn’t happy because that means his crummy ring won’t do.
But he is distracted when he finds out what a valet is when John Cho “steals” his “car”. You know, Fltinstones version of a car never made sense to me. To quote the Fairly Odd Parents..
“If cars are powered by feet, shouldn’t we just keep running?”
After Harold leaves, Wilma introduces Fred to her parents. It’s her Dad’s birthday, and he is played by Harvey Korman, in his last film role. Another actor goes out on a bad movie. By the way, in that earlier scene Mom says she doesn’t know how many birthdays are left for him. ….Ouch.
Chip shows up and Fred is not the least bit happy. They try to hit it off but Chip scoffs at Fred’s occupation, like any snooty rich guy. Also, Betty is mad that Wilma lied to her and thus Wilma is sad.
Whatever. ….Hey, ever wondered where wilma got her Pearl necklace? ….No, not that kind you perv. She got it from her Dad who gave it to her for no reason. I’m so glad I know that now!
After that, the party goers have a big dinner. Fred proposes a toast to Wilma and proceeds to make some bad jokes that make people laugh. Then Dino comes in for some WACKY HIJINKS!
Dino makes a mess so of course Fred is banished. Wilma gets pissed at Mom and says Fred’s “people” likes her for who she is and blah blah blah.
BETTY: We’re right behind you Wilma.
And Betty got over Wilma’s lie really quickly Jesus, did the writers even care at this point?
Chip is actually cool with this and invites Wilma and her friends to his casino in Rock Vegas. 1st of all, BAD PUN ALERT . 2Nd,Chip has an evil plan, trust me.
And so a mere 40 minutes in, we’re off to the titular Rock Vegas. After the obligatory Vegas montage, Chip watches Fred and Daphne hug through his security cameras, and says it won’t last. See, told you he has a bad guy.
Also, he has his own whore who is really with, and he’s only trying to hook up with Wilma for the money. Can this guy get any more cliché?
Then two guys named rocky and….Rocco walk in, asking for some money that chip owes. One Rocco is big, and the other is little….and played by the short guy from 30 Nights and Santa Buddies. Goddamnit, why do you pick crappy movies?!
So yeah,.the owner of a big casino is in debt and needs to pay off some other bad guys. With an extra cliché in it’s roster, the movie moves on to Betty and Wilma getting a massage by an octopus voiced by Rose O Donnel.
Betty talks about how amazing Barney is and Wilma does the same for Fred. She says he isn’t greedy and we cut to him gambling. Wah wah!
“But she doesn’t want some rich smart handsome guy, she wants you!”
Gazoo comes in becuase the writers forgot about him. He tries to tell Fred about Chip’s plan (which he overheard) and Fred doesn’t get it. Gazoo just leaves instead of outright telling Fred because…..reasons.
Chip shows up and tells red to gamble even more to make more money. Barney tries to warn about this idea, but Chip tells him about a buffet and the hungry dumbass leaves along with some Showgirl that Chip had with him.
Wilma and Betty show up and Fred tells them where Barney is. And Betty walks in on Barney as he’s helping her clean up some pie from her face. And Betty thinks they are together and leaves crying. Jesus, did the writers have a checklist of shitty cliches while writing this script?!
Then a stone age knock off of Mick Jagger comes to talk her…for some reasons. She tells him what happened.
“If you were my girl, I wouldn’t even think of touching another girl….except on the road. On the road doesn’t count”
Eh, that was kind of funny./
So the two go off on their own and Barney sees her going with him and the band. She gets away before he can catch up to her. But Wilma and Fred doesn’t really care cuz they have their own cliches to deal with!
Wilma suggests they go bowling, but Fred says bowling is for poor people. How is there real money with value in the stone age anyway? Wilma gets pissed and runs off. Fred however, is distracted when he sees some dice…game….thing (no idea what to call it) that says it has a million clams.
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
Back in Chip’s place, he gloats that Fred has lost Wilma, so he pulls a switch that makes it so Fred loses at the game. 1st of all, how does that even work? 2Nd, maybe shit like this is why you are losing money, dude!
Chip meets with Wilma and puts on a nice act for her. Then he asks her to put her pearl necklace in their safe because robbers are reported to be here. Because Wilma is an idiot, she gives it to him.
Fred loses all his money, so he goes to Chip to ask for something to bet so he can make it back. Chip says he won’t tell Wilma what happened.
“I knew you were a good guy”
At least he’s honest.
Chip tells Fred he will get rid of his debt but only if Fred leaves forever. You know, this actually inst that bad of a plan. I could nitpick some stuff, but he made it to Wilma thinks Fred sucks so when Fred is kicked out, she won’t mind and thus go to Chip. That actually covers all the bases, as if Chip kicked Fred out before Wilma hated him, she might not want to go for him.
That’s kind of smart. Still cliché but it’s close to being smart.
Fred stupidly tells him that he will tell Wilma about his plan, so Chip tells everyone there has been a robbery, and rips off Titanic by planting Wilma’s necklace in Fred’ pocket. Chip tells everyone there is a criminal here, and we see one guy ask this girl he with how old she said she was.
…You know, for kids?
Then a bunch of people admit they did stuff with like steal towels, and posin the Dinosaurs water supply so that in decades they will be extinct. Okay, that one was funny…until everyone laughed at it, thus explaining the joke.
Chip tells them Wilma’s necklace got stolen and yeah he calls out Fred and he is “caught”. Wilma runs crying but Barney points out that there is no way Fred could get into the safe since he can’t even remember the combination to his bowling locker.
“He can’t even crack his knuckles without my help”
“Thank you Barney Rubble for admitting to being Fred Flintstone’s accomplice. Take him away’”
Because everyone else in this room is an idiot, they cheer as the two are taken away.
Back with Wilma, her Mom tells her that Chip will take her back.
“Chip loves you”
‘Chip loves money”
….But if you don’t trust him, why did you believe hm back there?
Speaking of Chip, Rocco and Rocco still need their money, and they say a little birdy told them he isn’t with Wilma anymore. Then a bird comes out and says he needed the money. That was almost funny until I heard the bird speak in jive. Lolno.
Chip tells them he will marry Wilma tonight and if he doesn’t marry her tonight, he will have to face the consequences.
Fred and Barney are put in Casino Jail (which was a thing in the stone age?) and Gazoo shows up. After Fred tells him how he screwed up, Gazoo says he can’t get them out he is only here to observe. If Gazoo is such a smart ass, why can’t he tell that was banished and thus he can interfere all he wants?
Fred calls him out for being a dick and Gazoo takes pity on them. But then it turns out Barney can get through the bars easily. Well, Gazoo is still pointless then.
They sneak out and visit Betty and Mick Jagger. Barney tells Betty he loves her and explains why he was with the showgirl and yada yada yada. Since Barney has more moves than Jagger (I deeply aplogozie for that joke), she dumps Mick in favor of him. But not in the “you suck” way but in a “i like barney, sorry” way.
Sadly, the cliché still happens as Mick acts like a dick and gets in a fight with Barney. Barney takes him out quickly. Well, was pointless.
Back with Chip, he asks Wilma to marry him but she says no. Then Mick’s band comes out but with Fred singing instead, so he can sing about his love for Wilma. Okay, they had to have had a cliché checklist while writing this stupid script. It’s the only explanation!
No, I won’t do a cliché count again. Not after last time.
Fred apologizes for what he did and go into the whole love speech, about how he can’t give her money but he can give her love and yada yada yada. It took 4 writers to write this crap?
“Wilma, will you marry me?”
Then the Exstinct Dinosaur guy pipes up.,
“Seriously, this is your last chance. Stop me or all the dinosaurs die!”
EVERYONE: Shut up!
Okay, that was funny.
Anyway, since this is a cliché movie, Wilma says yes. Then we cut to their wedding. Wait, isn’t Chip gonna…say anything? Do anything? He’s just not gonna say “marry me or I kill you” thus leading to our cliché climax?
….Well, Chip sucks as a villain.
“Do you, Fred Flintstone, take Wlma slaghoople as your wife, to have and to hold for this day forward?”
“I yabba dabba do”
After the most romantic Vegas wedding you’ll ever see, Gazoo pops up and says he understands their complex mating rituals.
“I have to come to the conclusion…that I’ll never have anyone!”
Dino licks him.
“It’ll never work out”
Ew, that’s not even worth an OTP joke.
So with our heroes having a straight old time, they all sing the insanely catchy Flintstones theme that will never leave your head. After the dance party ending, the credits roll.
Wait, what happened to Chip and why was Gazoo in this movie? …Eh, who cares.
Well, that was a perfect example of a movie that didn’t need to exist. I mean, did we gain anything from knowing how Fred and Wilma got together? No, because this movie sucks.,
Admittedly, it’s not awful and the acting and humor are better than Thunderbirds, but that doesn’t excuse this lazy script. The plot is just filled with cliches and plot holes up the wazoo. Yeah ,the cliches serve their purpose but it just shows me why this plot didn’t need to happen in the first place.
I could never get into this romance, because it’s so cliché and at no point did it happen without some screenwriting putting in his own contrived bullshit to make it happen. Unlike Yogi Bear, the charm of the main characters can’t carry this.
The story itself is just lame with one cliché after another. The movie has good moments but the story never gives us one of those moments. I can’t really much else on that front except it was a very dull story.
The characters don’t fare much better but at least no one flat out annoyed me. Fred and Barney are about the same but the cliché script makes it so they have none of their charm. Their actors were weak at first but I got used to them and they are the most tolerable main characters anyway.
The rest are just boring. Wilma gives us the more cliché parts, and her actress sounds a bit too deep at points. Betty’s actress is pretty good (and hot) but she doesn’t really do much in the end and her romance with Barney was lame.
Chip had an okay plan and at times he was amusing but overall, he’s a pretty generic villain. Really, what is there to say about this movie? It’s just really cliché and stupid. It has dumb characters and a lackluster script.
To be honest, I didn’t hate it because the humor and acting didn’t suck that much. It had some lame moments but nothing jumps out as awful. It’s just really cliché. Even Thunderbirds had some bad acting to make it memorable. This is just pointless.
I thought I would have more to say, but I don’t. It’s just a cliché movie that is more boring than painful. I’ll give them credit for staying true to the source materiel, but they needed a better story. I should watch the first one. It has to be better than this.
Man, that was like 3 bad ones in a row. How about I do one that I know a few people like? Let’s do Speed Racer!
Can’t find it
Darn. Well…what did I find?
…Eh, we’ll see.