Grown Ups 2

"While it's certainly the movie event of the year for filmgoers passionate about deer urine humor, Grown Ups 2 will bore, annoy, and disgust audiences of nearly every other persuasion"- Rotten Tomatoes

“While it’s certainly the movie event of the year for filmgoers passionate about deer urine humor, Grown Ups 2 will bore, annoy, and disgust audiences of nearly every other persuasion”- Rotten Tomatoes

Grown Ups 2 is property of Columbia Pictures/Happy Madison.
….

Do I have to do this?

I mean, this movie is just…..AGGGH! It’s so pointless and devoid of anything resembling a real movie that it can’t be reviewed!

I just don’t want to do this. But…I guess since I did the first one, I owe you guys one.

Hello, Spongey here.

As you can tell from that start, I didn’t care for this film. But I almost considered NOT reviewing it. Not because it’s terrible (which it is) but cause’ so little things of note happen, even for a sequel to Grown Ups.

But I’ll do it anyway. You may recall last year, I reviewed the Adam Candler film Grown Ups, which did the impossible task of getting a slew of talented comedians (and Rob Schneider), only to given them no laughs.

It had Adam Sandler and his buddies going on vacation under the guise of a movie. I trashed it for having all the cliches of an Adam Sandler movie but with even less plot. But, for some reason, it made a lot of money….so they made a sequel.

In hindsight, I kind of get it. Yeah, the film has no story to speak of, which misses the point of a sequel. But these things clearly take no effort. It would take way less effort to film Adam Sandler and his buddies doing dumbass shit for 90 minutes than it would to write an actual script. So a sequel to a film where only that happens make sense from a lazy dumbass standpoint!

Anyway, right from the trailer I figured this, in the very least, be as bad as the first chapter. Then the reviews came in….and everyone hated it. With a whopping 7 percent on Rotten Tomatoes (with the best Consensus ever, as quoted above), 9 Razzie nominations, and a Fuck You from the Spill Crew, this was hated even more than the first due to how lazy it is.

It even scored a spot on Martial Horror’s worst of 2013 list, at NUMBER ONE. And as we learned last time, the man knows great cinema. So yeah, it sucked. About a month ago, I watched it and shared my experience on Twitter.

I didn’t like it.

So now I’m here to watch it again because pain is my fuel. This may a boring review due to how dull the film is, but I don’t care. The only good thing this movie gave us was Adam Sandler and Chris Rock guest starring on Disney Channel’s Jessie and A.N.T Farm respectively.

They were much funnier in that than in any of their movies recently. That is sad. So let’s not delay any further,. Let’s see why this is so hated by others, and myself

This, is Grown Ups 2

The movie opens with our old pal Adam Sandler, waking up in the morning next to his hot wife Salma Hayek. Now, to spice this review up, we shall be playing the ADAM SANDLER DRINKING GAME! To show how lazy this film is, we’ll drink for every Adam Sandler cliché.

First, drink of the character is just Sandler playing himself. Also drink if he wrote or produced the film. Drink twice if he did both. Drink if his movie wife is way too hot for him. Don’t worry,there’s more Sandler cliches on the way.

Sandler wakes up to find a deer in his room. Yep, a deer. Just chilling in his room.

“I think your mother is here from Mexico”

Also, drink for any potentially racist jokes.

Salma starts the deer, which causes it to….piss on Sandler. Not even 2 minute in, and we have a piss joke. Drink for any jokes about piss or shit. The deer runs all over the place, and even pisses on one of Sandler’s sons.(The one played by Pablo. The character’s name is Greg)

The deer eventually leaves and the daughter, Becky says she left the door in for any animals to come in. I’d call this scene pointless, but the movie needs to have a point in the first place.

To make it worse, it goes for a bit as the deer actually didn’t leave and Sandler sacrifices Becky’s stuffed monkey to get the deer out. Becky is not happy but Sandler shrugs it off. Drink for any time Sandler’s character acts like an asshole for no reason.

With the deer gone, let me explain the “premise” of the first film since I didn’t fully say it earlier. In that movie, Sandler and his childhood friends went to their coaches funereal and stuff happened. There was a kind of premise and a…vague…attempt at some substance.

Which is more than what this film has. Hell, I watched an interview with Cameron Boyce (who plays Keefie, the other son) and he said that while the first film had a “message”, the 2nd one is just laughs.

He was PROMOTING the movie. Yikes..

Anyway, let’s meet our other stereotypes, I mean characters. We have Kevin James, who is fat and also has a hot wife. Take another drink for that. His wife is doing math with his son, who…doesn’t get it.

“What is 7 plus 9?”

“79!”

You would think Mom or Dad would tell the kid that is wrong and try to teach him the right math,. But…nope.

“Don’t destroy his confidence”

You are destroying his chance at growing up to be a smart member of society. Dumbass.

“Confidence. A-O-B-R-Q-Z-Y. Confidence”

…There’s being dumb, and there’s being BORDERLNE RETARDED. Do the adults do anything? Nope. Fuck this movie. Wow, it only took me 5 minutes to say that.

After that, we meet Chris Rock, who is black. Also, his daughter is Chyna Anne Mclaine, and his son has currently filled his diaper with poop. Yep, take another shot.

“He looks like Nicki Minaj trying to shake her butt implants back into place”

…Okay, that was a little funny.

As it turns out, there is no poop in Ronnie’s diaper, but a necklace Chris got the wife for their anniversary. Yes, he put his anniversary gift in his son’s diaper for her to find.

What.

Also, this is the “forgetting anniversary” cliché, only the wife forgot this time. Does this lead anywhere? After one small mention later on, nope!

Then we meet David Spade, who is lazy and sleeps around. David got a call from an old girlfriend saying she had a kid thanks to him. Now he has to take Braden in to make up for leaving her. Yeah, that cliché and truth be told, this is the closest to anything of substance in the movie.

It still sucks, but eh.

Spade meets Braden at the train station and he turns out to be this big strong, dick-ish dude. David still tries to be nice even as the kid acts like a dick. Trust me, it’s not funny. So we move back to Sandler-

oh wait, stop. You may thinking I left a character out. Yeah, you may remember that the first film had Rob Schneider…as Rob, (really). However, he’s not in this one at all. Normally, I’d be glad to have him gone, but….his character was slightly more tolerable than the others.

Now, why did Rob back out? I have no idea. He never really explained but Wikipedia says it was scheduling conflicts. What else did he do in 2013? Inappropriate Comedy.

If he left cuz of that….I will kill someone cuz that movie was even worse than this. Also, Rob’s disappearance is NEVER EXPLAINED. There’s not even a hand wave. Lame!

Anyway, back with Sandler, we find out they moved back to his hometown to have more quality time and all that. Salma asks Sandler if he wants to have another kid. She wants one but Sandler does yep. Yep, that cliché. (Also, drink for everyone cliché). Does it go anywhere? Of course not.

After Salma leaves, Greg says he plans to asks out the hottest girl in school as this is the last day before summer. This is not as good as the last film I reviewed in which a guy named Greg tries to score a girl on the last day of school.

Though they both have an actor from Jessie. That’s weird.

“He’s fugly”

“All the guys in our family are fugly. That doesn’t stop us from getting the hot chicks. Look at me and look at your mother. It makes no sense! It’s like a Hollywood movie or something”

….That’s the first smart thing said in this movie.

(SPOILERS: It’s also the last)

Also, call your own kid ugly. That’s smart.

After that, Nick Swardsen pops up driving a bus. He plays a character named Nick. Subtle. Yes, he is our Rob replacement. See, I told you Nick is replacing Rob!. He’s the bus driver who happens to be friends with them and all that.

Sandler fills in as the driver cuz Nick is pretty out of it. He picks up Chris and the other kids. There’s another bit with the anniversary thing and a quick shit joke with Ronnie. Some bully dude picks on Keefie but Sandler uses his authority to tell him to stop, and he also insults the kid for his weight.

Take a drink for any joke targeted at someone’s looks. There are far too many in this film for me to even start. Anyway, After Sandler drops the kids off at school and picks up Kevin James, we cut to Salma and the other wives working out at some place.

grown ups 1
Yeah, this scene exists for fan service. Oh, take a shot for any time a joke/scene exists to exploit the female body! Anyway, Jon Lovitz shows up as a Janitor pretending to be their instructor. They buy it cuz no one in this movie is smart.

Yes, he makes them do that stuff that is actually lewd and shows off their…stuff. Perverts are always funny, right? They don’t catch on until the actual instructor shows up. He leaves and this scene was pointless.

Yet it goes on! Yeah, now the joke is that the ladies find Kyle hot. Who says sexist jokes don’t go both ways?

“I happen to be gay”

Oh, gay joke! Take a shot for that!

After that (again, this movie is one long pointless scene) we cut Sandler and pals at a K-mart for some PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Take one big shot for that, cuz one for each example would kill you.

They bump into Tim Medows here who goes WHAAAAT at every “witty” comment they say. Humor?

The gang farts around as they reminisce about this bully named Tommy who beat Sandler up as a kid. Yes, he shows up later. Nick wanders around the store and sees a raft in a box thing, and then suddenly the raft bursts out of the box without Nick even touching it.

Cuz that’s how that works.

We mercifully cut to school, as David Spade’s son joins Greg’s class. Greg tells Braden how awesome Spade is, but…

“I want to smash his face in”

Oh hey, a character I can relate to!

Elsewhere in school, Tim Medaows’ nerdy son asks Chyna out and…she says yes. Fletcher is watching this in horror right now. Anyway, the coach pops up to tell the nerdy dude to not socialize in class. He snarks at coach and he responds..by throwing a doge-ball in his face.

It’s funny cuz teachers abusing kids…is not fucking funny.

Speaking of awful jokes involving kids, back at K-mat, we see a Mom wife her crazy kids, screaming that she wish she never had them. What is up with these mean spirited jokes? This pretty much gives Sandler a reason why he won’t have another kid but that makes him even more unlikable!

After Kevin James burps, sneezes and farts at the same time (really), a cop shows up, played by Shaquille O Neal. Yes, really. The “Everything wrong with Frozen” tumblr is gonna be PISSED.

As it turns, Shaq and this other cop are childhood friends of theirs. Sandler tells Shaq they gotta go Becky’s recital thing and the cops ask if they can tag along. I know why they want to go, and I’m cringing already.

Also, this line.

“Isn’t that against the law?”

“ I am the law!”

Jude Dredd, you ain’t.

They get there and well….here’s why the cops wanted to go.

grown ups 2
Yeah. More of those jokes. That’s this entire scene right there. She is an attractive woman doing suggestive things, but cuz she is foreign-ese, she doesn’t notice. No one notices her except the men cuz the women are idiots. Well, everyone is but you get my point.

“There’s a disturbance of the peace…in my pants”

Lovely.

grown ups 3

After the show, we find out hot teacher’s husband is, shock of shockers, Tommy the bully, played by Stone Cold Steve Austin. Christ, does Sandler have dirt on EVERY famous person? All that happens here is Tommy telling Sandler to stop telling people he can beat him up or else he will be the one who is beat up. Is that a threat or a promise?

Back at school, the bell rings for summer, and instead of singing “What time is it”, they just leave. Spade hasn’t shown to pick Braden up so Greg and Chris Rock’s older son offer him a ride. Instead, he makes up sneak in to some place with partying college kids with him.

grown ups 4
While Braden goes off in his own, the other kids bump into some drunk hot chick, played by Aly Michalka. Yes, that B list Disney Channel chick from Phil of the future. Great, someone else who lost my respect.

Her bit is pointless but i had to bring her up. Anyway, Sandler and his pals head to this quarry they visited as kids. Their fun is interuppted by some frat boys. The leader is the frat is….played by Taylor Lautner.

This is a step down from Twilight. Think about that.

Speaking of big steps down, that’s David Henrie as one of the frat boys here. This movie is just an evil plan to prevent me from watching the Disney Channel again. Yes, that’s a bad thing.

Also, of all the actors, Taylor is the only one who actually tries. He’s not funny but he’s clearly dedicated to this role and his acting is almost amusing, while everyone else phones it in. Yes, i just said Taylor Lautner is the 2nd best actor in the movie. Think about that.

Oh, and the best actor? The Deer. At least it didn’t talk.

Anyway, the frat boys bug our heroes cuz that’s what they do. After some unfunny banter, they force the gang to jump the quarry naked. They do so and since this is close to the place with the college kids, Chris’s son and Greg see it.

“…I just saw my dad’s dick”

Ugh.

After that pointless bit, they leave. And now I reveal the movies biggest problem. Of course you already know it if you saw the first one: There’s no plot. But this one has a new issue: There’s no plot…and TOO MUCH plot at the same time!

I mean, just look at how much crap happens. Keefie deals with a bully, Chyna deals with dating or whatever, Greg and Chris’ son deal with college kids, David deals with his son, and the gang deals with frat boys and some bully.

For a movie with no plot, there’s way too much going on that doesn’t matter. There aren’t any real subplots. These are just things that happen. No “characters” change, there’s no lesson, and there’s no overarching story.

Critics say this has even less story than the first, but that isn’t true. They mean so much happens that it FEELS like there’s no story in the end. It’s like New Year’s eve, where so much happens that it doesn’t happen. Only it’s even less entertaining.

In other words, it’s all pointless.

Anyway, they discover that their car tires have been slashed by Braden.

“It was my son…Satan”

Please don’t remind me of Little Nicky.

So they go to some place to get replacement tires. Because we can’t go 5 seconds without something stupid happening, David Spade climbs inside one of the big tires. Sandler stops to answer his phone, which causes the tire to start rolling down the street.

I’d call this pointless filler, but as i keep saying, this whole movie is pointless filler! Long story short, Shaq shows up and stops the tire. Also, David throws up cuz we haven’t had a barf joke yet.

Oh, and the cops have Braden in their car cuz they caught up doing bad shit. See, the reason David told him that he put him in school for the last day instead of letting him blow it off, was that he was working in the soup kitchen. But really, he was goofing off with friends. Now Braden is pissed he lied.

He went and did that bad shit like the tire slashing since David didn’t pick him up,….though I doubt he would have done so even if he was in the soup kitchen. Cuz he’s that terrible of a father.

That is quickly dropped, as we see that the frat boy’s HQ has been trashed by Braden though they suspect our main heroes.

We cut to Kevin James as he is visiting his mother. But his wife shows up and it turns he skipped out on something to be watch a soap with Mom, and he lied about. Oh yeah, more crap i don’t care about. Again, this goes nowhere after their next scene and it never adds up to a full subplot with Kevin.

Anyway, in a scene I skipped, Luke here broke his leg (Don’t ask, it was long and pointless) and the doctor says he will have that cast for the rest of the summer. By the way, it was Sandler’s fault it got broken in the first place.

Who let this guy be a parent?

Then we cut to Chris’s son taking his driver’s test with Steve Buscemei. The frat boys drive up, (they think he’s on their side, don’t ask) and they think he’s taking his test drunk. After some banter, they leave and what does Steve have to say?

“Taking your driver’s test while intoxicated?! …Mijnus 5 points”

….That was kind of funny. Oh god, I’ve found 3 chuckles in this thing. That’s…2 more than the first one. Am I  losing my touch?!

…So David hangs out with Braden as they kinda sorta start to bond. Like I said, this is the closet to substance in the movie, and it could have worked, if it wasn’t so rushed. Plus, it doesn’t amount to much in the end.

Back with Kevin, the wife is still pissed about his lie. Kevin just says that Mom is a lot nicer to him and the wife says she’s sorry, and she’s always busy and blah blah, i don’t give a fuck. Kevin feels bad now and admits to staring at Becky’s teacher. But the wife is cool with him looking cuz “Evey one looks”. I’m sure this is sending a bad view of women but really, this gives a bad view of humanity.

So to make it up to him, she takes him to a cheerleader car wash thingy, which costs 5 dollars. And that means..

grown ups 5
Yeah. Seriously, I’ve seen less fanservice in a bad Anime. However, another car pops up for them, so they have….some male cheerleaders wash their car instead.

I don’t want to sum up what happens next. All i will is that it’s the most cringe worthy scene in the entire movie. And that is saying something.

Not just cuz of the “ew” factor the movie is going for, but cuz…the movie went for that and it’s incredibly unfunny.

“Why is this never ending?”

My thoughts exactly.

After that….lovely scene, everyone goes home to their respective families. Also, we literately have every dude at once explaining a “Burp snart” to someone. Cuz we needed that gag to return. Also, Sandler is having a party that night, and the theme is the 80’s.

Yeah, hes not hiding the fact he’s a man in his 40’s desperately hanging on to his youth by making immature comedies with pointless 80’s references all over the place.

There’s a scene at the market after this but it’s long and pointless. I’ll let Sandler and Becky sum it up:

“Do you have any idea what just happened?”

“Not a clue”

Oh, and there’s a bit where Chyna tells that nerdy dude she sings sometimes but she’s scared to sing in front of others. Yes, she sings later. Goddammit, even in other movies Chyna has to sing. Don’t they lampshade this kind of stuff in her show?

Anyway, back at Sandler’s place, he says this to Keefie after he says something stupid.

“Want me to ”accidentally” break the other leg?”

Our hero, ladies and genetlmen!

By the way, remember how Salma wanted another kid? She brings it up again and Sandler is still not up for it. They argue until…

“I’m pregnant”

Oh shit, that cliche. And…they do little with it. Surprised?

Heck, the guests arrive for the party and she just kind of drops it.. But Sandler still discusses it with his buddies, who are happy for him.

“You’re a great Dad”

“Yeah, I broke my Son’s leg today. That’s a real great Dad”

Took the words right out my…keyboard.

After that we get a bunch of filler bits at the party with the “characters”. Seriously, even by this movie’s standards, the next 8 minutes or so are just filler with nothing to comment on. Except that flat out re-use the gag from the first one where Kevin pisses in the pool, only Shaq does it this time.

Lovely.

Something finally happens when Greg unplugs something, stopping the band’s music. Yeah, the party got that huge cuz Sandler is all powerful. Anyway, Chyna was singing to herself, so when the music stops, everyone hears her.

grown ups 6

Everyone likes it…but first we must visit Tommy the bully again. Sandler asks for Tommy to aplogoze for beating him up a lot as a kid. He doesn’t want apologize so it turns into a fight.

“I’m gonna do this, cuz i gotta show my son what’s right”

The right thing is to a pick a fight with someone who can kick your ass?

Tommy actually decides to do something nice, and says he will let Sandler pretend to knock him out to impress his boys. Actually, he ends up pretending he’s afraid of Sandler, putting on a show for everyone.

And…that’s the end of that subplot. Yeah, Tommy backs down in an act of niceness and Sandler is god once again. Aren’t you glad we have that OH SO IMPORTANT subplot?

Speaking of pointless stuff from earlier, the frat boys show up to crash the party.

“We hit the moron jackpot!”

You got that right.

By the way, one of the frat boys is played by Patrick Schwarzenegger. Yes, Ahnold’s son. Dude, most parents just ground their kids!

The frat boys just act like tough and are still pissed at the men, even after learning Braden trashed their place. They just want to kick old white ass cuz….I don’t know. The party goers react by fighting back. And so here we are. This erupts into a giant fight scene and…well….it sucks.

Infact, this is the point where the writers officially gave up on having any sort of plot and just went crazy. This scene is the height of this movie’s insanity. No story, no development, no reason for this to be happening. It’s just…insanity.

WhenI  first saw this, I was in awe on they just gave up. It’s really indescribable. It it flat out insanity with the dumbest, most cringe worthy shit happening. But…Greg ends upwith  that chick he was after, and Nick ends up with his true love….a dog.

OTP?

However, one cool thing happens: Taylor Lautner takes down Sandler with an AWESOME spin kick move, thing. I mean…it is amazing. I actually wanted to record this bit to put on Yotuube but the thing I use for that is slow right now, so I can’t show it to you.

But trust me, I can watch Taylor Lautner take down Adam Sandler all down. Sadly, it is followed by the deer from earlier hitting Jacob in the nuts. With films like this, “Oh My Balls” could become real.

With that, all the frat boys flee. And…that is it. Everyone leave excepts for our main heroes who have some dinner together. That was the climax. Eh, it’s what I expected.

But here we get an attempt by the writer to force in heart. Kevin’s Mom (they are at his house now) tells Sandler an unexpected child deserves love too. Shouldn’t that moral go to David cuz it fits him more? Doesn’t make the moral any less forced, but still.

With that, we cut to Sandler at home, talking to Salma about the whole thing. We get more forced heart as Sandler talks to the unborn kid in his wife’s belly. So Sandler got used the idea…cuz of some random speech by some lady.

I mean it, it’s that forced. It’s brought up once, brought up again and resolved with NO attempt to string it all together. In a good movie, the events Sandler experiences would feed into this arc and he would go through this.

But here, it just happens at pure random and it’s 100 percent disconnected from the rest of the movie! Even the first had a better story!

To cap off the night, Sandler decides to have sex with his preggo wife….because. Also, Sandler, burps, Sneezes and farts.

“I Burp snarted!”

Roll credits.

…The movie ends on a fart joke. I …am not surprised.

Wait, that’s it? That’s the end?! No wrap up, no moral, no actual ending…it just stops?! Even the first one ended on a…note! This just…ends! I came close to giving the film a tiny bit of leeway until it just….ENDS with me wondering why I wasted 94 minutes of my life!

Ugh. On the bright side, IT’S OVER!

Final Thoughts:

This movie is like a really crazy party you are not invited to. You sneak in but you are stone cold sober, so you realize this party sucks. Only it’s filled with un-funny people trying to be funny. In other words, this film should be called “Dumbasses do Dumbass things for 90 minutes”

I don’t have much else to add that I didn’t say in my review for the first or, the bulk of this review. While the first one at least had a premise, and even SOME type of message at the end, this is 90’s minutes of nothing.

I said the first film had no plot, but this makes the first one look like a complex epic. They try to add more things happening, but in the last 10 or so minute, it all goes to crap as every subplot ends so weakly, it’s like it never happened.

None of the main characters, except Sandler, got a real subplot or actual jokes. I said that this film also has too much plot and that is true. It’s just a tiring experience that could have been saved by 2 amusing jokes (which is one more than the first film) but…then it ends so badly, I had to flip it off.

The humor is stale, and like I said, I only laughed twice. But, is it worse than the first one? ….It’s mostly on par. For whatever reason, I didn’t HATE this one as much. I was mostly just bored when I was writing this review, compared to how angry I was last time.

Maybe it’s because it was easier to shrug it off as each scene is more isolated and short compared to the first film. There isn’t much bad stand up and while the “Hot chick” scenes are cringe worthy, it’s not as bad as the stuff with Rob’s daughters.

Oh, there are “piss me off” scenes like the male cheerleader crap, and the fight scene at the end. But overall, this one didn’t piss me off as much. Oh, it’s still DOG SHIT but just not …piss me off dog shit, you know?

But even if I didn’t hate it as much, it’s just as awful as the first film. There’s no plot, the characters, if you can even call them that, are flat, and the humor makes something like Bucky Larson look hilarious.

Adam Sandler, I give up on you. I thought Hotel Transylvania would help, but it clearly didn’t. I’ll still watch your movies for review but I won’t go into them with a hope. Your next one looks…okay, I guess.

But after this, I can’t look you in the face again. I hope you’re happy.

Grade: D+

Next time, I join in on the Nostalgia Critic’s Nicloas Cage month. Maybe Cage can impress more than Sandler.

See ya.

This review is dedicated to the memory of Justin Carmical aka Jew Wario. Rest in Peace, dude. I just wish I could have put this in a review of a better movie.

Advertisements

About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
This entry was posted in Play by Play Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Grown Ups 2

  1. noneya says:

    The movie was terrible, but your bitchy ramblings are absolutely pathetic. Way to nitpick the entire film from beginning to end. 🙂 Damn you suck.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s