Getaway

Pardon the obvious joke,  but you'll want to take the  title's advice after this one.

Pardon the obvious joke, but you’ll want to take the title’s advice after this one.

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, I told you I’d do some 2013 films, so here we are. This is one I expected to do much later, cuz I expected the DVD to come out later then it did. Thanks Movie, for bombing so you can come out in time to become my first true review of 2014!

Today we’re looking at what is said to be one of the worst films of the year. That alone meant it would be on here eventually. Now, I didn’t really know too much about until I saw some ads a few weeks before it came out.

I was interested cuz it looked kind of cool….and one of the stars, but we’ll get to her later. Though you know who it is cuz of the…poster up there. Whoops.

But man, I was shocked when it got a freaking 2 PERCENT on Rotten Tomatoes To put that in prescriptive, IT’S LOWER THAN JACK AND JILL.

DAY-UM.

People were hating on it for good reasons, and it ended on plenty of worst lists. Outside of that, there isn’t much to say.

It’s from the director of Dungeons and Dragons, so you know it’s gonna be good! Wait, that one was at least funny. This is one of end of summer films that is just a throwaway action thing that gets dumped when there’s no room for it in the actual summer.

Yeah. Will it be as awful as everyone says it is, or has the internet once again dumped too much hate?

Let’s find out!

This, is Getaway

The movie opens with Brent, played by Ethan Hake walking into his house to find his wife missing, and his house ransacked.

Well, gotta give them credit for starting things right away. But then we cut to him getting in a car and driving away, right past some cops.

This chase scene is interrupted by…some flashbacks to the previous scene as Brent gets a call from John Voight here

“At 4;30 pm, you will go to the *something something* parking garage. On level 2 you will find a very special car. You will steal it. There are camera on the inside and outside of this car. I’m watching every movie you make. Drive to the top of the city and I will contact you there. It’s been a long since you’ve driven, but you will have to overcome your fear if you want to save her. If you want her back, you will follow instructions. If you contact the police, or if you get caught, she will die”

…Oh my, where do I begin? First off…Jon, you should START by saying that he must do what you say or you’ll kill her wife, THEN tell him the crazy crap he has to do. This is villain speeches 101!

Also,I don’t usually mention editing, or even think of it unless it’s really good, or really bad. Guess which one this falls under. I mean….Christ!

First of all, the flashbacks. We cut to a scene, cut to the main action…then back to the original scene but it’s inter-cut with the action! Did you pay attention in film school?!

You show the scene of him finding his wife gone, show the shock he has, have Jon call him, then show him getting the car and all that. You don’t just Memento it!

I could forgive cutting it around if each part went as long as it needed. But no, we cut to both so fast we don’t really feel the weight of what is going on. The editing is so frantic I can’t tell what is going on.

Also, half the shots are zoom -ins which doesn’t help. Christ, this film broke many directing/writing rules in the FIRST 5 MINUTES! This is gonna suck.

The chase goes for a bit with enough tight editing to make your head spin. Eventually, Brent outruns the cops and the opening credits roll.

He stops the car to partake in a…shot that lasts more than 5 seconds! GET IT AWAY! Jon calls him up again and says Brent has to do a bunch of stuff or his wife will die.

“Is she alive?”

He said she may die, which implies she is. Also, this is the first thing Ethan Hawke says and we’re 7 minutes in. Being mute doesn’t make you cool, dude.

“Get rid of this phone”

Guess you’ll just wait to give him his task, and not tell where you can contact him next. God, this movie is stupid. Also, Brent is taking this all pretty well.

Someone stole his wife, some guy made him steal a car, yet he takes it all in stride. I respect that. Then we cut to to Bulgaria where the wife is being held. How did Jon get her kidnapped and taken to Bulgaria so damn quickly? How long was Brent at work or whatever?

Then get several fades out while she is in her holding cell. Fade outs to….her in the cell. Why do you fade out to THE EXACT SAME THING?!

Back with Brent, Jon calls him up from the car phone. Wait, why didn’t he have him ditch the phone after he got in the car in the first place? Anyway, Jon tells him to drive faster and make a right into the park.

“It’s Christmas, there’s gotta be tons of people”

Shit, this is a Christmas movie? Why didn’t I do this last week?! By the way, we get many shots from those camera, which turns this into Paranormal Activity on wheels. Yay.

So Jon makes Brent drive through a mall and stuff like that. Then he makes him do a bunch of shit with the car. Is this gonna be the whole movie, Ethan Hawke doing shit with his car for no reason? Eventually, Ethan Hawke is allowed to stop (guess no other cops came after him while he crashed) and take a break.

After more randomly edited flashbacks, some chick (known only as The Kid, according to Wikipeia) busts in the cat with a gun,.

getaway 1 Yes, that is Selena Gomez as the kid. Spring Breakers was her first shot to show she can be a serious actress but this is her attempt to go into the mainstream. It didn’t work.

Her presence wasn’t the reason people hated this film (Jeremy Jahns even said, and I quote “At least Selena Gomez is hot”) but she didn’t help matters. Yeah, she is the only reason I was interested in this project before the reviews came in.

Anyway, her she plays a….tough chick with a gun. Even I have to laugh at that.

“You heard me asshole”

That would be shock me if Spring Breakers didn’t exist. She yells “get out of the car’ a lot until Brent twists her arm, and Jon asks him to drive and take the kid with him, Selena reacts by acting like a little bitch.

“I’m not doing shit”

Still not shocking me.

So…how is she part of Jon’s plan? I mean, what if Brent just shot her right then or thrown her out in time? Would Jon’s plan fall apart? Man, this is the worst villain ever.

“Kill her”

Oh okay, she’s not. He just wants her gone. Couldn’t have let her go thus fixing that issue? But anyway, Brent almost does it but he doesn’t. He just can’t.

“You made the right choice. She will be of help to you”

WHAT?! Then what was the point of all that? Did you just wake up morning and decided to do evil shit and you made this up as you go along?!

So then ONE cop car shows up and we get another badly edited chase scene. At one point Selena peeks her head out of the car to tell the cops about what is going on, but Brent tells her to get back on.

Why didn’t Jon make Brent lock the doors and shit so they can’t escape or whatever?

“You’re the shittest driver I’ve ever seen!”

Is Selena’s job here to swear and be a bitch to Ethan Hawke? What a waste. So after they evade the cops, Selena tells Brent that this is actually her car. She left it unlocked for whatever reason, and a cop called her to tell her car was taken and they left Brent in it.

Brent points out how little sense that makes, and thinks it wasn’t’ a cop that called her. So is it Jon? If so…his plan makes less and less sense the more I hear of it.

“What’s a kid like you doing with a gun anyway?”

‘So if a dipshit like you stands up to me I can take care of him.”

“Worked out well for you, didn’t it?”

Okay, that was funny.

“Just do me one favor. Shut the hell up”

Ethan Hawke for best part of the movie.

“Shut up”

Wow, worst comeback ever. That’s pretty much “shut up!” “No shut up!”. What are you, 5?

You know, I’m a bit mixed on Selena’s performance so far. She’s shown that she CAN play a more edgy character (Hell, that is her most well known role) so it’s not like she can’t pull off this kind of character, like every critic says. But the way she is written doesn’t exactly give her anything to work with.

She’s some bitch who clearly tries too hard to be edgy and hates on Brent for pretty much no reason. Even on paper, this character seems to try too hard and falls flat. Selena could in theory take that and make it work and in some parts, she seems fine.

But she takes the bitchy part…and makes it worse and sticks to the shitty part instead of making it better! If she could help improv Monte Carlo and Princess Protection Program, why can’t she do it here? Oh yeah, shitty writing. But as Jeremy Jahns said, she’s still hot.

…So anyway, what were you saying, Selena?

“I have a lot of money”

“Good for you”

So, if you let me go I can give you a lot of money”

“I don’t want money”

“What do you want?”

“I want you to stop talking”

I just love how Brent is taking 0 percent of her shit.

“I would love to let you out of the car, but I can’t”

“Why the hell not?”

Weren’t you paying attention?! Jon said you can’t go cuz of his dumbass plan! After more bad dialogue Jon calls him up for his next task. Once again, it’s “Evade cops and wreck shit up”. Great variety.

The only difference is that now we have Selena Gomez to bitch and moan a lot. I can almost enjoy some of these actions scenes cuz of the fast pace and carnage, but then it’s interrupted by bad editing, or Selena saying something stupid.

Yeah, there’s not much else she could say in this situation and she does put some kind of feeling into it (more so than Ethan Hawke) but if she’s gonna be annoying, what is the point?

Also, these “Found footage” shots are still to make less sense as some come from a place where a camera could not possibly exist. They serve no propose other than spicing things up, but it’s one bad spice.

So Brent evades the cops, wrecks shit up, and his wife lives, for now. But then Jon gives some very late exposition on Brent’s backstory:

He was a race car driver who was very reckless.

“Remember that review? It wasn’t very flattering”

…Too easy. Then Jon hangs up, and our not so dynamic duo bickers some more.

“You’re a dumbass who attacks police with a car”

Is she just not listening to anything Jon is saying? I mean, I never thougth I’d join the internet in wanting to punch a Disney star in the face….but this movie’s craziness knows no bounds.

Then Selena gets out her phone so can use the camera to document all this. Shit, this IS a Found footage movie! Then Brent trashes the phone, making that pointless.

Also, we got more of those camera shots. Um, they are just talking. No fancy crap is gonna it any more exciting.

Anyway, Selena reveals she is this really smart tech chick so he does a bunch of stuff to trey to figure out where Jon is. This is kind of cool and her exposition gives Selena her better acting moments in this flick but it is pretty convenient.

Also, this doesn’t really accomplish much AND she bitches at him right after. …I’m glad these camera shots give her more flattering angles.

Jon calls them up right as come cops show up for another bad action scene. He puts in some directions on their GPS, to a power plant. There they must put a flash drive in some computer there.

“What does that do?”

“You’re a clever girl. I’m sure you’ll figure it out”

Something tells me it only make Jon’s plan even more convoluted.

“You have some time until 11:30. I wouldn’t spend it trying to figure out my motives”

Cuz that clearly would take the writers too long to do.

“He’s a real asshole”

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

They evade the cops and then take a break to talk. Brent tells he’s a racer, and Selena is shocked. Again, Jon told you this! Are you just hard of hearing?!

But anyway, Brent mopes about how all he was good at is wrecking shit up, and how he misses his wife. Yes, this is our first quiet moment with quick cuts in the whole movie. It’s like a miracle at this point.

This is almost effective, but I really know nothing about his wife, their relationship or Brent beyond the basics. Maybe if we had a few minutes to know them before the action happened, we wouldn’t need a weak scene like this.

But if this movie did anything right, I wouldn’t be here. So in return, Selena tells us her Dad is the CEO of a large bank.

“I barley see him but this car is the nicest gift he ever gave me”

Okay, Selena decides to start acting, and the writer decides to give us a character for her to work with. Too bad it’s cliché. And guess what follows? Yep, more bickering!

Brent once again has to put it through her head that Jon is making Ethan do all this crap.

“You clearly haven’t thought this through”

said me to the writers.

“If I were him, I would kill her and probably kill you”

That’s only cuz you are smart and he’s dumb. After random dramatic rain, they head to the power plant. Selena heads in and uses her tech magic to contact the police from there …but all she gets is Jon Voight.

Actually, she talks to the “police” and  think it’s the police until Jon says it’s him. Jon in this movie has a very recognizable voice. That’s it, Selena is fucking deaf at this point.

So Jon set that computer up as a trap. Then the place explodes, Selena jumps in the car, and they drive away. Then the cops show up for another bad action scene. They should bring in better backup if they are gonna get their asses kicked so easily like this.

They evade the cops AGAIN, and stop for a break. But then Selena gets out and says Screw you guys, I’m going home.

“He could have taken out of the power himself, but he lured us into there because he wanted me caught on camera doing it”

When you say it like that, it sounds needlessly complicated.

“It was just you. This car. But now I’m screwed too!”

1. You were already screwed.

2. Isn’t that a good reason to STAY so you can stop Jon?!

3. You do realize if you go, Brent’s wife is dead, right? Well, she doesn’t cuz she leaves and Brent doesn’t do anything.

Jon calls him up and says if Brent doesn’t stop her from leaving, his wife is dead. See, I told you! And that is what gets her back in.

“Sorry”. If you had a half brain, you wouldn’t need to say Sorry in the first place.

“You don’t have to do this”

Um, she kind of does or your wife is dead. Is everyone in this movie hard of hearing?! So Jon calls them up again and says this is their last assignment.

We’re only 45 minutes into this 82 minute movie. I doubt it but okay. They have to rob Selena’s Dad’s bank, dun dun dun. Much like the audience, Brent asks when this shit is gonna be over.

Jon says to suck it up and go rob a bank.

SELENA: This is a set up. This is why they used my car, it had to be me! He wants us to get caught.

His overly complicated plan is starting to make some kind of sense! …I said some kind.

“What does he want to steal?”

“Money”

I would call her on that stupidity, but then she says it’s an investment bank, so there’s no cash. Also, while they talk, the cops show up for bad action number scene 5456. Seriously, this movie is getting really redundant.

After some technobabble, Selena hacks into the Car camera’s so all Jon will see is a loop of them driving. Isn’t what I’M seeing at this point?

Anyway, they figure out this is all a trap. They aren’t committing a heist. They are merely providing a distraction for the police while The Voice executes the real robbery and frames them for it.

That’s actually kind of smart on Jon’s part. The only part of his plan that actually makes sense. But at the same time, it’s also needlessly complicated, and I still don’t get his motivation.

There must have some easier way to get money/power than making this plan involving a rich daughter and some random racer dude.

Anyway, there’s some pointlessly complicated bit with the bank moving some important flash drives, and some of Jon’s goons show up to take them.

But then Brent overpowers the goons and takes them. I admit, I kind of like the shots of “The Voice” reacting to this by breaking some shit and trying to call Brent, but only getting hung up.

That’s pretty funny. If you guessed that the following event is a bad action scene, DING DING DING you’ve been paying attention. At this point, I’m just getting bored by these scenes more than annoyed. Eventually, you get used to frantic, bad editing while Selena says stupid things.

This one goes on way too long though. But at one points some goons show up while the car is stopped, and Brent pulls a gun on Selena and threatens to blow her brains out if they don’t back up.

Is that a threat or a-oh wait it is a threat, never mind. So this works and they drive away. Then they stop and Brent….lets Selena out, saying they’ll just think she’s a hostage. But of course he actually lets her go, she wants to stay.

“You’re an  extremely stubborn person”

“I know. I’m still not getting out of this car”.

She knows this shitty movie will end sooner when she leaves, so she’s keeping us all hostage. HELP!

“Without me, you’ll do something stupid”.

Oh, and you’re so intelligent?

So he lets her stay cuz…whatever. Then some goon on a motorcycle shows up for, you guessed it, a bad action sequence. Every time an action scene is almost fun, they remind us of the bad, frantic editing with the camera shots and all that shit. But like usual, they evade him and then stop.

Christ, this movie is the same formula: Bad action scene, bad talking scene, bad action scene, bad talking scene….ugh.

Selena suggests they make a deal with Jon: The flash drives for his wife. After something, Brent is like why not and Jon calls in.

JON: You think you’re so smart-

BRENT: Shut up and listen.

Okay, that was cool. So they strike a deal with Jon, and he’s like “okay”. They plan to meet up at an airplane hanger, so they head there and meet up with a goon. Sure enough, they have Wifey right there.

Wait, wasn’t she in Bulgaria? How did they get here back over here so fast? Anyway, they hand over the Wife and Selena gives them the drives but…

“Shoot her”

Oh no the bad guys want them dead anyway, what a shock. Suddenly cops show up, and a goon takes Selena. With the wife in Brent’s hands, I guess Jon made shit up and just took Selena.

I hope we at least get a decent motivation from Jon at the end. Brent hops in the car and gives chase. This leads an exceptionally long you know what that is the closest to a “fun” scene but at this point, there will still be bad editing and cinematography.

I guess this is our climax, hence why it runs so long but in a movie where the action scenes always run too long, it gets pretty boring.

Eventually the “Action” stops and we get a POV shot of the car going behind the car “The voice” (Yeah, they say it’s Jon in person there) is in which is cool until you realize you are watching about a minute of …a car…driving behind another car.

It’s dreadfully boring. Thankfully, it gets slightly less boring again when they end up in a crowded area and properly chase each other. Jon tells Selena to jump out of the car. She does and both cars collide and it cuts to black.

Roll credits.

Ah, I’m just kidding, but man I wish. Instead, the movie goes on and it looks like Brent and Selena are okay. Then the cops show up to arrest Jon. …

Wow, that was….disturbingly easy. What his plan, again? If he wanted to cut his loses and get caught, wouldn’t it make sense to take Selena down with him?

What kind of evil mastermind gets defeated so easily with the most incompressible plan ever? I mean, we get no villain speech, no motivation….he just gets stopped. What a load.

But then the Wife gets a call…from Jon.

“Wouldn’t you like to thank me? I did for you what you could never do for yourself…. Please excuse me if I wasn’t able to be there in person….I will answer your question very simply: I’m your greatest fan. I always thought you could be at the very top of your profession if only you believed. So that’s it. Please send your lovely wife best wishes for a happy Christmas….I don’t have family. My consolation is that I have a lot of money. But I have a lot more of it thanks to you. I doubt our paths will cross again but then life is full of surprises. So let’s say Au Revoire. ”

We are shown a decoy in the cop car and As Jon finishes his speech , we see him in a bar putting his away his laptop with which he did all this. He walks out of the bar…and… Roll credits.

… I’ll save you the rage and sum up what the writers are telling us.

“Oh, you want an ending that makes sense, gives the villain proper motivation and gives them film a proper conclusion? Please, you forgot what film you were watching! Fuck you”

I mean….wow, you call that an ending? I guess it explains my questions a bit ago and I suppose a “cliffhanger” ending is a tad fitting in some ways, and they did give us an okay hint at the villain’s motivation.

But at the same time….it makes so little sense that I think I lost a few brain cells. I mean, the villain went through all of that shit for pretty much no reason because….he felt like it?

That speech hints he knows Brent from his racer and put him through hell ….to make him race again? What kind of evil motivation is that?! Jon is just a troll, plain and simple.

Except I’ve seen actual trolls online smarter than him. And really, you’re gonna give this shitty cliffhanger? Did you expect to get a sequel out of this crap?!

Well, it’s a good thing this bombed cuz I don’t think I could stomach another one of these things.

Final Thoughts:

I don’t know why, but I’ve never negatively reviewd an action movie on here. With the exception of Trasnformers 2 & 3, I usually say they were “okay” (Green lantern) or actually enjoy them. (GI Joe the rise of cobra).

On that same point, I’ll end up giving a score to some infamous films, being reluctant to call them bad. Leave it to this movie to break both streaks cuz man, this SUCKED. Really, I’m a broken record and you know why this movie sucks, but I’ll repeat.

The idea for the story isn’t exactly original, but it could have worked yet it didn’t. Why? For one, it’s pretty damn basic with no surprises at all. Brent and his wife are both pretty dull characters with no personality, and at no point did I care about them getting together as we are given NOTHING to latch onto.

They do try to spice things up but the main conflict is still very weak. But don’t even get me started on how the story is told. The first quarter alone tells it in such a fashion that it keeps me out of the story because they never give any weight to anything and try to Memento us.

News flash: Telling your story out of order doesn’t make it “edgy”. Once Selena shows up, it gets more streamline but again, it’s pretty basic and boring.

Speaking of which, “The Kid” kind of sucks. I’ve given my piece on the performance, but the character is just annoying. She bitches and moans too much and while I like that she’s smart, it’s pretty forced and she even becomes boring in the 2nd half.

I don’t feel like either character learned from the other, and that hurts their chemistry. Brent himself is just boring and while Ethan Hawke tries his best, he can’t save it.

I admit,Jon has a cool voice and he makes an okay threat but he fails as a villain because his plan makes no sense and I fell like he (read: the writers) made it up as he went along.

This film clearly only cares about the action, which I could forgive if said action was good. It’s not. The cinematography is flat out crap, with incoherent editing that gives no time to actually appreciate the admittedly impressive stunt work. I’ve already gone about how bad the camera work is, so I won’t go on much further.

I admit, in the 2nd half I got used to it but eventually it got boring cuz it was nothing BUT bad action. I like an action packed movie as much as the next guy, and I can even forgive a bad story but I can’t forgive action THIS redundant and badly done!

Overall, I can’t really HATE this film as it’s less offensive than Movie 43 and less tiring than Grown Ups 2 (We’ll get to that one, my lovelies).

But at the same time, it’s objectively one of the worst “Serious” films in awhile, with a cliché plot, a nonsensical story and some of the worst action scenes in a big budget theatrical film.

Grade: D+

I was mixed on what to give it and while I personally disliked it on a D, it deserves a plus for how bad it fails at following the basic rules of cinema that even a toddler knows.

Also, one other note: To be honest, I can see someone seeing it as So Bad it’s good (Like Mark Ellis of “Schmoes Know”) BECAUSE it makes so little sense. I admit, I had some fun at points but it got so boring by the end that I couldn’t enjoy it.

Next time. I wash my mouth with more To Boldly flee. See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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