Santa with Muscles

Unless he conquers the martians, I'm not interested.

Unless he conquers the martians, I’m not interested.

Previously on Spongey444, Spongey was visited by a ghost who looks like his title card guy, who is about to propel him into a Christmas carl spoof! That hasn’t been done before…

Well okay, that guy is gone. So when is the first ghost supposed to show up?

Now!

AHHHH! What the hell, don’t scare me like that1

…I am a ghost, dude.

Whatever, who are you …and why do you look like that Ben Kingsley french from from Freddie as FR07?

Je suis le fantôme de Noël passé!

….In English, please!

Oh sorry. I am, how you say…the ghost of Christmas past!

Oh, and you have that bad french accent cuz Freddie as FR07 was my first review, and thus represents my past?

….Lucky guess. Anyway, I am here to show you the error of your ways!

Look, you guys have it all wrong. I am not a nostalgia-tard! I’ve reviewed tons of bad movies from the past, and I’m ALWAYS ranting about Nostalgia-tard! That was a moment of weakness!

Look, the big guy upstairs says you needed the Christmas carol treatment, you are getting it whether you like it or not!

…Whatever gets this over faster.

Now, I am here to help show you that bad stuff has existed in the past, as well as the present.,

Okay, how so?

I will make you review a notoriously bad Chrstmas-ish movie from the past, to show you that bad films have always existed!

…What is it?

////

Hello, Spongey here.

It seems like many non-actors want to break into movies for some reason. Singers do it all the time…with mixed results. But if there’s one of kind of non-act who has mixed results in film…it’s Wrestlers.

Ever since the 80’s, and even before. Wrestlers have tried breaking into film. To be fair, as the Nostalgia Critic pointed out, it does make sense. All that wrestling stuff is faked anyway, so they are actors already.

But for some reason, Wrestlers in movies have been hit or miss. Even when they are put in action movies, as they rightfully should, it doesn’t work out. Almost all them have crashed and burned.

However, two have been able to make a lot of movies…but not good ones. One of them is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson who has actually received praise for his Chrasima in action movies, even if he wastes his talents with kids movie.

The other…is Hulk Hogan. He had lots of movies in the early 90’s, which made plenty of money. But his acting career didn’t turn out well for critics, so he stopped. He started with the “So bad it’s good” No Holds Barred, which some still enjoy.

Sadly, he has also genuinely bad films like Mr Nanny, and 3 Ninjas 4 (we’ll get to that one, trust me). Though he also did the fun bad flick Suburban Command, even if we only remember it for-

“I WAS FROZEN TODAY!”

That.

Where am I going with this? Well, in 1996, he starred in a movie so bad, it’s considered one of the WORST MOVIES EVER MADE. It’s that bad. It was slammed by critics, bombed at the box office, and it shows up on many lists of the worst films ever. It’s also on the IMDb bottom 100 …above EPIC MOVIE.

On top of that, it’s on Tv Tropes’ So Bad It’s horrible page.

To give you an idea how what that means, here are some films I’ve done from the section outside of SBIH month: Inappropriate Comedy, Fred the movie, Son of the mask, Going overboard, and 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the devil inside the girl with the dragon tattoo.

….Let’s just get this over with.

This, is Santa with Muscles

The movie opens with narration a girl writing a letter to Santa. She tells Santa about a mean man named Ebner Frost (GETIT) who is a dick to everyone in her town.

“Now he’s trying to take our orphanage away from us, and nobody can stop him!”

After last time, cute girl voice + Orphanage = THIS IS GONNA SUCK.

After she finishes up, we cut to a dude named Blake, played by Hulk Hogan, as he is sneaking around some rich dude’s place as he fights a bunch of henchmen. These henchmen include a limo driver, a Gardner and a cook. …Okay.

…And then we get the “dangerous mission is actually training exercise cliché’. Boo. Anyway, Blake here is a self made millionaire from selling body building stuff, and he is a dick to his workers. Sure this isn’t Ebner, and Wikipedia got confused?

“What would we have without Blake’s rules?”

“Fun-”

“Chaos, Mr Thorne”

Okay, that was funny.

After that, Hulk joins his buddies in an epic paintball match. However, they are now driving recklessly in Hulk’s car, which is seen by a bunch of cops who give chase.
Hulk grabs a painball gun and shoots down a police car with it…which is actually kind of cool.

“Lake ville, there’s a million places to hide. I grew up there”

You can’t hear it but…I’M ACTING!

Anyway, Hulk sees a local mall and decides to hide out there. We cut to the fake Santa workshop as an “elf” dude calls some guy who says he is Ebner Frost’s physician.

This is Dr Blight, played by future Teen Beach movie villain, Steve Valentine. Wait, what? That’s right, the guy from quite a few DCOM’s and I’m in the band got his first film role…in this. What.

Some dude is being hung upside down, and is shown a TV playing a message from Ebner, played by Ed Begley Jr. This bit where some other dudes torture this guy goes on for awhile, and it’s weird.

Though I admit, Frost himself is kind of amusing for how not subtle he is at being evil. But they can only take you so far when we got an electric woman or some shit torturing a dude.

Thankfully, we go back to Hulk Hogan…god, did I just say that? Hulk hides in a room where he finds a Santa suit. In order to disguise himself, he puts it on. Oh joy, first wrestler The Ultimate Warrior rapes Santa literally, now Hulk does it figuratively.

Because the mall cops are morons, they think Hulk is the actual Mall Santa. Maybe too big of a moron, cuz they spot Hulk’s outfit popping from under the Santa suit, and they give chase. Is this movie just gonna be a bunch of chase scenes? Cuz…that would be better than any plot they could come up with.

Hulk hides in a garbage chute, and winds up getting himself knocked out. The elf dude from earlier sees him.

“Another drunk mall Santa. …You’ll do”

And then he steals his wallet, and finds out Santa is Blake. Then the elf dude cheers that he has the richest dude in town’s wallet, and acts really annoying before walking off. That was weird.

Hulk comes to, and the elf guy introduces himself as Lenny.

“I didn’t catch your name”

‘….I really don’t renumber”

Santa Christ, two Santa amnesia movies in a row? I have the worst luck.

But not as much as Hulk, and Lenny tells him that he is Santa. Yep, that’s our premise: Hulk hogan loses his memory and thinks he is Santa. …Okay.

Lenny takes Hulk out to the fake Santa workshop to start his job. Now Hulk hogan has to be this mall Santa. Hilarity shall ensue.

Needless to say, Hulk doesn’t make for a competent Santa, But who cares about that? Let’s see what happens when Lenny tries to use Hulk’s credit card on some machine. Oh, it asks for a thumb print..cuz they had those back in 1996, right?

Lenny reacts by saying “no” a lot with his bad acting skills. But again, who cares? Let’s watch some crooks try to steal some money, so Hulk can jump into action cuz we need him to fight someone in a Santa suit.

After Hulk kicks some ass, everyone claps and is happy. Maybe too happy, actually. Yeah, it’s so that he beat up some bad guys but everyone is treating him like a god. Lenny even sees a chance to get some good stuff out of this.

But anyway, Hulk and Lenny ride off into the day. But remember that orphanage mentioned in the opening narration? Well, it only took them 20 minutes to get to it, as Dr Blight and some goons visit the chick running it.

He tries to get her to hand the place over to him, but of course she says no. Also, he hits on her. Ew. In retaliation, our evil idiots mess with some statue and try to run away in their ice cream truck, I don’t get it either.

The truck almost runs over some black guy (who doesn’t try get out of the way for some reason) but thankfully, Hulk stops it. Yeah, he just happened to be here, because plot.

The bad guys run away and the orphans run out to thank “Santa”.

They invite him in, and yes we meet the annoying chick from the opening. She’s equally as previous in person, sadly. There’s another orphan here named Sarah, played by a young Mila Kunis.

…We all have to start somewhere.

‘That was a very stupid thing you did out there, Santa”

You got that right.

Leslie, the owner chick, explains that Blight and Frost want the orphanage , but no one knows why. Including the writers, apparently.

They keep Hulk over for dinner, cuz why not. They even let him and Lenny stay for the night cuz…i don’t know. This movie stopped making sense 32 minutes ago. I mean, do the adults think he is the real Santa or do they suspect it’s just a Mall dude who happens to be strong and was at the right place at the right time?

Whatever. The next morning, Hulk gets up to see his fights made the front page of the paper. And the head line says…”Santa with muscles”

BOOOO!

And then Lenny stares at Hulk’s arm, remembering how that machine wanted a hand print. This happens as Hulk drinks milk in SLOOOOOW MOTTTIOOOON.

The hell?

After that, Meg Griffin here shows Hulk a “super” Santa suit she made. Then some reporters show up wanting to do a report on the “Santa with muscles”. A dude in a Santa suit beating people up is cool enough to warrant a news report I guess, but the way they do it, it’s like they think it’s the real Santa, even if they are likely doing that for the kids watching.

Heck, when Hulk doesn’t know how to answer some questions, they act this isn’t some mall Santa that happened to be strong. I don’t get it.

“There’s a new Santa in town, and I know if you’ve been naughty or nice. So be nice”

…Mommy, Santa with muscles scares me!

Anyway, this report is being watched by Eber.

“Thank you Santa. For putting the orphanage on the MAP”!

I AM ACTING.

Quickly after, we join Lenny as he tries using Hulk’s thumb print from the milk glass on that machine. It doesn’t work cuz it requires a left thumb. …I don’t care at this point.

Dr Blight shows up, saying that Frost requests Lenny’s presence, and he throws him in his so inconspicuous villain van. In the van, Frost calls in, angry that Lenny is helping Hulk which in turn, gets the orphanage publicity.

Then we cut to Lenny with Hulk, like nothing happened. Hulk refuses to leave the orphanage cuz they still need him. Yeah, I’m sure anyone else could help stop Frost from buying the place but we need our plot so…

He goes inside to find Elizabeth singing. After last time, a precious orphanage girl signing just irks me. This movie would actually be kind of “so bad it’s good” fun if this annoying chick wasn’t in it.

She talk about some schmaltzy crap, they have a “serious” moment and sing together. You know, if this movie coped to what it was, it might actually have been fun. I mean, it’s about Hulk Hogan as Santa. How can you take that seriously?!

And in some moments where it tries to be a tad more self aware, like with Dr Blight’s scenes, it’s almost amusing. But then you get this crap where it tries way too hard to be serious. Guys, a movie called Santa with Muscles can’t be serious!

After that, Dr Blight shows up again to harass Hulk. He tells Hulk to fuck off from the orphanage, but he says on. So of course, Dr Blight….kicks his ass. Whoa. But then Hulk relates by kicking his ass in return.

Okay, THIS is what I’ve come to see, that was awesome!

Though I do question why a skinny scientist picked a fight with HULK HOGAN in the first place. Anyway, the bad guys leave with their candy canes between their legs.

After that, Hulk decides enough is enough, and he and Lenny sneak into Bad guy manor to kick some ass. Is it a bad time to randomly mention the guy who plays Lenny would just so happen to be on That 70’s show with Mila Kunis?

Anyway, the actual reason is here is cuz one of the Orphans went out to stop the bad guys.

“I wanted to be like you. Protecting all of us”

Ugh, gag me with a spoon. His bad acting isn’t helping either. The kid leaves, and Hulk listens in on the bad guys’ plan. Which is…what we already know. They want to get rid of the orphanage to…get something. Okay, now we know they want something from under the place, but that is all we learn.

The next day, Hulk asks around to find out what is under the orphanage. What is under there? Catacombs…that the kids use as a clubhouse. …Makes sense to me!

So they head down there and they find a vault. They break in and find …a bunch of glowing crystals with techno babble in them. Also, when you drop them they explode.

…I willingly watched a movie called Santa with Muscles. Really, this is all my fault, so why even react?

Speaking of reacting, the kids are like…cool when they hear this. It doesn’t even register that this is what the bad guys want, and they should jump into action. Hulk even moves on to asking Lenny why he isn’t at the North pole and whatever.

After some poking, Lenny tells Hulk the truth: He isn’t Santa, he is some guy he found. But he tells Hulk to be Santa cuz the kids need him. I guess Lenny randomly turned good for no reason.

Infact, Lenny calls up Frost to ask him to leave the kids alone.

‘When I want your opinion, I’ll have it surgically removed”

…That doesn’t make any sense.

After that, Dr Blight breaks in again. Man, this guy won’t give up. I mean, you tried this before and failed. What will make this time any different? I mean, why don’t they just dig under to get to the catacombs?

Sure, that wouldn’t be legal, hence why they tried to legally get the place shut down. But they are evil, so why does it even matter?!

They have another dumb but fun fight scene which ends with Blight getting knocked out again. Why can’t this movie be more like this?!

And then…Hulk falls out of the window, and into a garbage truck. Lame! And it just carries him off. Uh, I think Hulk is strong enough TO CLIMB OUT OF A TRUCK!

Anyway, he falls asleep and wakes up in his house…with his memory back. The garbage man recognized him and brought him home.

Well, the movie is over, bye!

…Sadly, no. Hulk still remember all the Santa stuff, so he calls up the head orphanage chick. Only the call is picked up by the villains, who use a voice thingy to make Hulk think the head chick is telling him to fuck off.

Then we see a news report mentioning that Santa has not been spotted in awhile. Santa Christ, this must have been a slow news day. Anyway, we join the sad orphanage kids.

SARAH: I’m not surprised. There’s no such thing as Santa.

Shut up, Meg.

To make things worse, the bad guys enter….again.

“Wait itl Santa hears about this. He’ll kick your butts to new years!”

I’M ACTING!

Ebner Frost enters in a weird suit thingy and he takes the kids into the Catacombs. He tells the kids they will mine the crystal for him.

LESLSIE: You son of-

FROST: Uh-uh. There are children present.

Okay, that was funny.

After Frost does the “reveal that one of the good guys sidekicks was working with him, just to be a douche” cliché, he takes the kids away so he can try to open the vault. Hulk was able to open it by puling it…so I guess he just has MAGIC powers.

Back with Hulk, he is sad until he gets a call from Lenny, who tells him what is going on. Blight takes over the phone.

HULK: Allow me to introduce you to my 2 little friends: Lefty and Righty..

…That came out wrong.

Blight tells him if Hulk shows up, he’s dead. Never mind that he’s kicked your ass like 3 times already. So Hulk gets his friends from the opening ready to go out and stop the bad guys.

They head out, but one of the cops from earlier spots them and gives chase. Yay for pointless chase scenes! Long story short, they escape, defeating a nice cop who really is doing no wrong since Blake did try to outrun the police, and he isn’t explain the score to them at all.

Also, how come no cops or anyone sees all this crap with Blight going on? Ugh, this movie sucks.

After that, Hulk breaks into the Orphanage and saves the kids from a guard. He tells them that he is not Santa, he just thought he was. The kids are cool with this, since…well Hulk Hogan is the….676th best thing.

After that, Lenny jumps in to help Santa take on that weird Electric chick from earlier. Also, Lenny thanks Hulk for pretty much helping him turn good or whatever.

So then Hulk storms into the room where the adults arr, by tearing down the door.

“All you had to do was knock!”

That was also funny.

Leslie leaves, but the black guy has himstay., He then reveals that Blake …grew up in this orphanage.

But wait, there’s more…

“See that boy next to you? He was your best friend…Ebner Frost”

WHAT A TWEEST!

But before that can be explained, Leslie and the kids bump into Blight, who they then trap in the freezer. Yay. We then cut to Hulk in the catacombs, confronting Ebner.

And it’s not until now that Frost new Hulk was his former best friend. But then they don’t elaborate on that, and just leave it at “They were friends once”

“This is about money!”

WE’VE GOT TO HAVE…MONEY!

Frost then reveals that while Hulk ended up leaving the orphanage and made missions, he was left to rot. Then he became evil and…didn’t go against Hulk and didn’t do his evil plan cuz of Hulk cuz he had no idea Blake was even his former friend.

So thus, this reveals is not connected to the main conflict….and it doesn’t work!

…Hang on a second. The villain turns out to have lived with our hero in a orphanage and he was left to become evil while the main character went on to be rich.

…Did Meet the Robinsons rip this off?

Anyway, they shut up and fight some more. Long story short, Hulk kicks Frost’s ass. Except some technobabble is gonna make the crystals explode….for some reason.

The kids, adults, Hulk and Frost escape from the place. Then it explodes. Ah, nothing says Christmas like explosions. It truly is the best time of the year!

Then the cops show up, along with the news guys. Instead of arresting Hulk for what he did, the cops just take credit for taking in frost. Santa Christ, these guys make Chief Wiggum look competent!

Also, you know how Blight was put in the freezer? While they take him out to get him in the truck, and he is frozen.

A hulk hogan movie…where someone gets frozen ….Haven’t seen that before!

“I guess he’ll have a chance to defrost himself”

BOOOOO!

So the bad guys are taken away, stopping their evil plan. They could have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids and that stupid Hulk!

“I’m not through with you Blake”

Oh, We’ll see you in SANTA WITH MUSCLES 2: SANTAMANIA COMES TO TOWN!

So yeah…that was the climax. Hulk was the bad guy’;s friend, bad guy doesn’t do anything, they fight, the place blows up, and they are taken away. I’d call this a let down but that would imply I expected something good.

With the orphanage blown up, Hulk lets the kids stay at his place.

ELIZABETH: Wow, a Christmas miracle! I do believe in you, Blake.

I BELIEVE IN HULK HOGAN CHRIST! …Wait.

So the bad guys are in jail, the kids have a new home. Hulk is a good guy and it’s HORRAY FOR SANTY CLAUS! Also, the sweet girl from the opening known as Elizabeth did nothing.

And that’s the end. Disappointed? Of course you are, cuz this movie sucks.

Also according to the credits, Wikipedia and Google, this movie had a young Brenda song in it. That’s, London Tipton got her start here.

Wow.

Final Thoughts

As a sketch on SNL, this could have been awesome. But stretched to 90 minute, it outstays it’s welcome. This could have been a dumb, but fun flick with Hulk Hogan kicking ass. You know, like Suburban Commando.

And it times, it is. Some of the fights can fun, there are few amusing moments, and the cheesy tone of it shows it know what it wants to be. But sadly, it falls under it’s own weight.

The biggest problem here is that it tries to often to be serious. When I turn on a movie called Santa with muscles, I don’t want Hulk Hogan saving an orphanage, talking to a precious girl and turning out5 to be friends with the bad guy.

I’m not saying a movie like this can’t be serious, but it needs to know when the balance it out…and it doesn;t., The “sweet” moments are fake, schmaltzy, and poorly written. Also, no matter how dumb your movie is, you still need to care about the characters.

I did not. Hulk and Lenny’s stories were uninteresting, and none of the kids were funny or interesting. The only one who stood out as an okay actor is Mila Kunis, which would thankfully may way to much better roles for her.

The twist with the villain makes no sense, and the story itself is just a mess. I can forgive some of the silly parts, but some plot holes were just gaping and bad. Also, the acting is hit or miss.

Hulk still can’t act to save his life, and he doesn’t even get any good lines this time. Ed Begly Jr is sometimes okay but he just wasn’t funny or threatening. Steve was actually a fun villain at times, which makes me wish HE was the main villain.

Everyone else is just okay. But I can forgive a cliché story and poorly written characters, if it was fun. But it is not. I know this isn’t meant to be Saving Private Ryan or anything. I just want it to be fun.

Again, at times it can be goofy fun. But sometime it can be far too stupid for it’s own good. Small parts showed it could have been So bad it’s good, but it’s just bad.

It’s far from the worst, and certainly not worthy of being on the same page as Fred the movie. Nor is it worse than Epic Movie, so the site that gave Ooogiveloves a 7 is wrong.

Wait, what?

Grade: D

By the way, you could find enjoyment in it if you gather some friends and get drunk but otherwise, stay away.

So there you go, I see that the past had some crappy movies too. What else do you want, Ghost of Christmas past?

Good, good. You see that the past can be painful too.

So what is next?

Well, I’m going. In a little bit, the next ghost will show you the way.

Great. Well in the meantime, I’ll just wait. ….And wait.

Hi!

AHHHH! Okay, you ghosts should stop jumping on me!

Sorry. The last guy just left, so I’m here now!

Okay, let me turn to see who it is…and oh god.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
This entry was posted in Christmas Reviews, Play by Play Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Santa with Muscles

  1. Pingback: Spongey444: Santa With Muscles | Red Ribbon Reviewers

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