Okay, first the Nostalgia Critic mentioned Fred Claus in a list right after I reviewed it. Then he reviewed Eight Crazy nights right after, like I did?1
That’s just creepy. Mr Walker, stop stalking me or I’m calling the cops! …Or you can keep stalking me and get stuff for a Jack and Jill review? It would me for your own only okay Eight crazy nights review!.
But hey, as long as Mike J doesn’t do the sequel to the very movie I am about to review, right as I review it, I will-OH COME THE FUCK ON!
…I have a review to do, don’t I?
Hello, Spongey here.
You know the phrase, “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in” or something like that? Yeah, this is happening to me today.
You probably are already familiar with my rivalry with the “Air Buddies” franchise. Some Nicky Fury wannabe made me review them all of teach me some dumbass lesson I already knew. They all sucked except Spooky Buddies, which was meh.
But ever since I mentioned this in the Santa Buddies review, I knew I’d tackle this. See, Disney will do anything to make a quick buck, even after John Lasseter put a stop to the main DTV sequels.
Though since he approved of Planes, I guess that’s all moot now. Anyway, they weren’t content with just making normal Buddies films. Oh no. They decided to do a spin off movie about Santa paws, from Santa Buddies.
Now, I said I was done with the buddies. However, this ISN’T an official buddies film. It’s about a character from a Buddies film, but it is mostly distant, so people who have not heard of the Buddies may have seen this film and understood it fine.
So I am just doing a crappy dog movie, that has the buddies name on it. But either way, I have to sit through this pointless spin off for your “enjoyment”.
There isn’t much else to introduce before we start, but I will say this: I have an online friend who considers this to be one of the worst films she has ever seen. She has also seen Fred: The movie.
…This is gonna suck..
This, is The Search for Santa Paws
Hey, you know, that Danny Woodburn elf from Santa buddies? Yeah, he appears in this one too, as we open at Santa’s workshop. Great, a decent actor disgraces himself some more.
But yet they couldn’t keep the same actor for Santa, for some reason. It’s some unknown know. Anyway, Santa appears in front of the elves…and sings.
You didn’t even wait for the 2 minute mark to break out a song?
Though to be fair, the songs itself isn’t that bad, as cliché as it is. It has them singing about the season while prancing around the workshop. Been there, done that. Actually, this whole scene feels like it was copied and pasted from other movies.
After the song, Santa gets a letter some dude he knows died. I could take this seriously if the dead guy wasn’t named Mr Hucklebuckle. I have no idea who he even is, except he was an ambassador for Santa, and…that’s about it.
Maybe we’ll learn more later, but it’s hard to care when we know nothing! Though this moment…is not that bad. They treat this with dignity, and it’s kind of depressing. Huh, I’m shocked. We’re 4 minutes in and I don’t want to bust my kneecaps yet.
Let’s see if we can fix that, as we cut to New York, as the dad from JONAS and his wife check out the house he spent Christmas in as a kid. And as turns out, he is Mr Hucklebuckle though he changed it to just Huckle.
I don’t get it. Did he fake his death or what? …Oh, it was the GRANDPA that died, as the exposition tells us? …Well, why don’t you make that easier to figure out? Or maybe you could make it your movie is reviewed by a person who is a little less stupid!
Anyway, they are visited by their own magical black man who gives us some exposition. Grandpa gave James his store, but they must operate it through one Christmas season before the deed can be transferred.
That…makes no sense. After more “sweet” crap, we cut to a foster home as some lady is taking an Orphan there. Said orphan is played by the actress who was Tiny and Santa Buddies, and Cammy in Treasure buddies.
…This is gonna hurt.
They open the door to see the single most stereotypical bad orphanage owner you will ever see. I mean, she’s hot but….damn, she is not subtle. Besides, why do evil people keep being put in charge of orphanages in the first place?
Fittingly, the Orphanage itself is gloomy and stuff. After that, we cut to the other orphans hanging around a store. She is played by Madsion Petis, cuz this movie is an amazing career move for everyone.
Mrs Stout, the bad head lady is looking for Will (her name is longer, but no way am I typing all of it) and of course she’s not there. Instead, she finds Janie, played by G Hanneilious (I’m sure I butchered that name). Yes, the same chick who would, one year later, join the buddies series as Rosebud.
It’s kind of sad when Dog with a Blog is looking like the best item on your resume. Will sneaks in, hoping to not be noticed but spoilers, she is noticed.
“New kid, much cuter then you, and younger. I’m sure she’ll go fast”.
Well, I can see why you are in charge of children.
As the oldest, Will is forced to welcome in the new kid, Quinn. Also, one of the Orphans here is Taylor, played by Michelle Creber
“Mrs Stout can’t stand Christmas”
Gee, I didn’t see that coming!
“What happened to your parents?”
“They didn’t make it. They had to go to heaven”
Oh god that line plus that voice….SHOOT ME Now.
Anyway, Will shows Quinn around and Quinn plops down on her bed while will does some over thing. Then we get the full house music. God, I already want to shoot the composer.
Thankfully, we get back to Santa as he checks out that magical icicle from Santa Buddies. Now, earlier, Santa got a stuffed puppy as a gift from who knows who, to make up for Grandpa HuckleBuckles tragic death by PCD.
So here they use that icicle to bring the stuffed puppy to life. I am not kidding. Santa names him Paws and he’s voiced by Zachary Gordon. Oh yeah, this is a prequel to Santa Buddies, explaining the orgin of Santa paws.
Cuz we were all BEGGING to know it, right?
“You’re going to be my best friend for all entirety!”
…That sounded like a threat. So after a montage, we join HuckleBuckle and wife…but we are then yanked back to the Orphanage. We see Quinn…looking at a Christmas angel…and singing a sad song.
…Kill me now. I can’t take pwecious crap anymore! Santa Christ, this is gonna make Care Bears look like The Expendables before you know it!
It has no reason to be here too. It’s just a shitty attempt to be sweet, and failing! Anyway, Will takes her back inside. Then we get the “Don’t look BLANK see it” and said person pops up to say “Don’t let BLANK see what?” cliché. Ugh.
Mrs Stout pops up to take Janie’s teddy bear cuz she doesn’t like toys and is still the most subtle villain who isn’t hammy ever. Stout storms off and Janie cries. This should be sad, but it’s another step in making this movie as “sweet’ as possible.
After taking the toy, Stout takes it to to the basement and puts in a box with other stolen Toys. She puts on a conveyer belt…headed to a furnace.
….You know, there’s having your bitchy Orphanage owner take joy out of the place. But then there’s having her BURN THE FREAKING TOYS IN A FURNACE. I mean….dang, that’s just cruel!
Anyway, that night, Quinn gets up in the middle of the night. She tells Will that some jerk told her that if they were bad, Stout would put them in the furnace took. There’s having a jerk-y character, and having said jerk JOKE ABOUT PUTTING KIDS IN A FURNACE. What the hell?!
After that pointless bit, Santa takes his sleigh and heads to New york. Also, paws has magically gotten older in the span of….well 5 minutes by my count. Santa lands his deer, and heads off to do…something.
However, some crook saw all this and decides he wants to snatch Santa’s bag he is holding. Gee, it’s liking landing in an area where someone may see you was a bad idea!
Santa heads off into the city, and he bumps into Mrs Stout. She storms off but accidentally leaves her hat, which winds up in the street. Paws goes to get it, and Santa chases after him…but Santa ends up getting ran over.
Okay, two things:
1. Again, it’s like walking into the middle of the street was a bad idea!
2. I can’t show you but the car does not crash into Santa from the front, like in a normal movie. The car is able to go past him, and Santa is on the side of the car….but somehow he still gets hit by it and falls over! What the hell happened?!
The crook from a bit ago walks over and claims to be a paramedic. Are you really this desperate to get some guys bag? Also, why doesn’t Paws see this? He saw a short guy, assumed he was an elf, and is now following him. Ugh.
Anyway, the crook takes Santa’s bag, just as he wakes up. To make things worse…Santa has lost his memory. So in the Santa Clause, he died by falling off a roof, and here he loses his memory by…kind of getting hit by a car.
So the crook finds nothing in the bag but some crystal, and his Santa suit. The crook puts it on and pretends to be a Salvation Army Santa. At least here it’s being done by an actual bad guy, right Fred Claus?
Anyway, the next morning Santa ends up HuckleBuckle’s place. Apparently their toy store was looking for an actor to play Santa, but they couldn’t find one. Now they conveniently have one! Whatever,
They introduce themselves and cuz Santa is conveniently naive, he takes them up on the job offer. Wait, this is getting too tolerable? How about we fix that by getting back to the orphans?
Yep, the next day Mrs Stout goes out to do something, so Will and Quinn sneak out. They end up at the Huckle Buckle store just as Santa starts his job as…Santa. Quinn sees him and wanders in, and meets Mrs HuckleBuckle.
“Are your parents with you?”
“They didn’t make it”
Ugh, that voice. Gag me with a spoon and all that.
Anyway, Quinn sits on Santa’s lap and asks for some thing for Will, who doesn’t believe in Santa. After making me barf, Quinn joins Will.
“I pinched him. He’s real!”
…Were you expecting a fake Santa to be made of rubber?
“My mom says Christmas wishes come true!”
“Your mom was fibbing”
Wow, what a bitch.
Back with Paws, he spies a Scottish dog taking a piss on some bitch. Okay. Some other dogs follow and Paws wants to catch to them to ask if they’ve seen Santa. But some dog catcher dude sees them and gives chase.
Didn’t we do the dog catcher crap in Santa Buddies? Santa Christ, now they are rehashing their own plots!
Anyway, his gives chase by long story short, they all escape him and Paws saves the other dogs. Also, Paws tells him about the whole “I am santa’s dog thing” and tells them they are on the Naughty list. But still, they are cool now.
“Now we’re your peeps!”
….Please no. B-dawg was bad enough, I don’t need another wannabe gangsta! Oddly though, this guy is voiced by the same person who voiced Fat Bud in Air, Snow, Space, and Santa buddies.
Meanwhile, some kid bumps into Santa’s reindeer…who stayed there instead of going for help when Santa never came back. Huh. Also, one of them is voiced by Deidrich Bader. …Goddammit, man.
Comet tells the kid only people who believe in Santa can see the deer, which kind of explains why no why reacted to them. He also says the kid need to find Santa for them cuz they can’t do it themselves…for some reason.
Jimmy, the kid so important Wikipedia doesn’t mention him, says he will do his best. By the way, he’s played by Patrick from Bedtime Stories, and Kip from Escape from planet earth. Joy.
Paws winds up at the foster home and bumps into Quinn. She can understand him cuz…I don’t know. None of the other humans could understand him so….MAGIC!
They introduce each other, and Paws decides to stay with Quinn for the night. They go to sleep (thank god her screen time was short this time) and we join Santa at the store the next day.
I suppose this the wrong time to mention this, but the guy who plays Santa was Thomas Howard in Treasure Buddies, and…Bumi on The Legend of Korra. Another talented person falls prey to the Buddies curse.
Anyway, Santa has been a big hit with everyone…but who wants to see an okay character when we could get back to Paws and Quinn? Will pops up to see Paws and of course she is not happy cuz of all the trouble they could get in.
“She can’t understand me Quinn, she’s just not a believer yet”
THE POWER OF CLAUS COMPELS HER!
Thankfully, we get back to the Toy Store as the local news is doing a report on it. Wow, it must have been a REALLY slow news day. They are talking about how amazing their “Fake” Santa is and all that.
Back at the North pole, they notice Santa hasn’t come back yet and send Eli to go find him. And then we quickly return to Santa after that. He is talking to the Huckle’s about how great it is to spread cheer. but he can’t help but feel something is missing.
To be honest, the stuff with Santa isn’t that bad compared to the rest of the movie. It’s not too interesting, but it’s not that painful either. Some of the heart is forced, but when Santa is talking to the kids and all that…it’s the closest to true heart in this entire movie.
Heart isn’t some dumbass kid with a sweet force. It’s people being NORMAL and having actual effort into the performance. The guy playing Santa isn’t the best, but he actually isn’t that bad.
Why couldn’t this movie be more about him?!
Santa randomly starts coughing and all that, and Mrs Huckle is starting to get worried. Mr Huckle makes Santa take a break, and he fills in for him. At the same time, Qunn and Paws go looking for Santa and happen to stumble upon the store.
Of course he happens to show up when the real Santa is on break, and as soon as he leaves, he goes back to his duty. Stupid plot contrivances.
Anyway, the next kid on Santa’s lap is Jimmy. Wow, I forgot about him cuz he was pointless. Santa says he doesn’t know if he is the real Santa or not, but he gives him some pin saying he thinks someone “special” gave it to him. Jimmy accepts this for some reason and walks away.
So Quinn introduces Paws to the other orphans who understand him too.
“Only kids who truly believe in Christmas spirit can hear me talk”
Oh, that explains it. And of course, Will can’t hear him.
And…then Janie starts up a song….out of nowhere. They sing about believing or some crap. One stupid song later, Will believes and all that crap. But for the first time in any movie, the out of nowhere song number is heard by someone who is angry about it.
That person is Mrs Stout, who sees Paws. Quinn tells her point blank that she found paws…but Stout doesn’t buy it and thinks Will did it. …I don’t get it. She forces Paws and Will to stay in the basement for the night. But remember how Quinn had that Christmas angel thing?
Yeah, Stout sees it and takes it away. You know, there’s a fun cruel villain…and there’s a CRUEL villain. Just the way this is done feels so…cruel. I’m not exactly a fan of Quinn but this is just…ugh. Plus, it makes the full house music and Quinn’s “adorable”-ness go full blast…and I don’t like that.
But you know what I like less? Cheesy sad songs…which is what Will breaks into. At least this is a /tad/ better than the other one but it boils down to ham fisted cliches and all that crap!
But Will can hear Paws no, and that makes it all okay. Thankfully, we get back to Santa the next morning as he’s getting a tad sick. So much so that he just kind of drops down when he tries to walk over to his chair.
But remember how Paws was a stuffed animal? He turns back cuz…I think that crystal on his neck got taken off. Otherwise, I don’t know.
This happens just as Stout shows up with a dude who is supposed to take Paws to the pound. Will cries and Stout angrily takes the stuffed dog. …You know, this movie is called The Search for Santa paws”, yet Paws never gets lost enough for anyone to search for him. It’s Santa CLAUS who is lost!
Anyway, Santa is taken to the hospital, while Will is still sad about what happened to Paws. But remember that crook who took Santa’s suit? Yeah he’s back as Eli bumps into him, and the crook explains everything.
And now he feels awful for taking Santa’s stuff, and he gives Eli that crystal from Santa’s bag. As it turns out, the Crystal is what keeps Santa immortal, and without he, he becomes mortal. And when that happens….he kind of dies.
Which is what is happening now. …Okay, that’s actually a nice dark twist that works. Good on you movie. …but wait why does an easily removable crystal keep him alive? That’s stupid.
Anyway, the crook is gonna help Eli save the day. The whole thing with the crook is so pointless. You could have easily written a different way for the Crystal to get lose without making that pointless subplot.
Eli goes to get Paws cuz he found him with his tracker. He has a tracker for the dog but not Santa himself? Anyway, he pops up at the orphanage and they both explain everything.
Also, Jimmy bumps into the crook and the dear, and they explain stuff, and cuz Jimmy bumped into the real santa, they need Jimmy to help them. Santa Christ, this plot is getting so muddled. So much could have been cut out!
Anyway, remember how Stout had that convener belt of toys leading to a furnace? Yeah, she put the stuffed Paws on it, and Quinn found it and climbed on it to get him.
…And now this movie has put a dog and a girl in danger of falling into a furnace. What is WRONG with this movie?! I mean, I get why this is happening but did we need to drag the girl into it?
Having the dog almost burn is…fine since Stout didn’t know it was a real dog, and I’ve seen stuff like that happen in other (better) films. But putting the girl in danger is just…cruel. Especially since they could have TURNED THE POWER OFF WHICH WILL DOES A MINUTE LATER!
After the most intense almost burning scene since Toy Story 3, they stop the furnace and get Paws and Quinn out. Eli puts the crystal back on Paws and he comes back to life. That took like 5 minutes? INTENSE!
Jimmy and the crook show up to tell everyone that Santa is at Huckle Buckle’s, so they head there. They tell the Huckle’s what is going on and yada yada. Huckle buys it cuz really, if two talking dogs told you this, you’d buy it.
Mr Huckle tells them Santa is in the hospital Also, Stout pops up at the orphanage only for a chick from Child Services to tell her a neighbor called and said Stout left the kids alone all night, and that two kids are missing.
“You are no longer permitted in this house”
As amazing as this comeuppance is, I question why no one caught wind of her bitch-y-ness before, or why no one at the place told on her or something like that.
“You can’t do this to me”
“I just did”
So yeah Stout is kicked out and now I realize how pointless and pathetic of a villain she was.
Anyway, the gang picks Santa up from the Hospital and take him …somewhere. Eli does some doctoring and thinks Santa will die. What happened to the Santa Crystal he crook took? Why can’t you use that?
Well either way, Paws offers to use HIS crystal to fix Santa…but doing that may end up turning him into a stuffed animal permanently. As forced as this scene kind of is…it’s also kind of nice.
We have Santa almost DYING and his dog is willingly to sacrifice his own life to save him. That’s actually really cool and ballsy for a kids movie. I mean, yeah the full house music kind of ruins but…i still give the writers credit here.
Santa gets the crystal and …it works! Santa is alive, but Paws is stuffed again. Now they must get to the North Pole as only the magic icicle can save Paws. Yeah, they are gonna help ruin that sacrifice but….meh, that’s what I get for praising this movie.
So it only takes them like a minute to rush to the magic cave at the north pole. But sadly, the icicle has no magic to spare with Christmas coming soon. Wow, this is a nice sad moment. It actually kind of work-
Then Santa sheds a tear, said tear hits the ground and the icicle glows…bringing Paws back to life.
“It was your love for each other!”
….You’ve to be fucking kidding me. They seriously pulled out the ultimate kid’s movie cliché?! What the hell? It was almost a nice moment but you ruined it! Screw you!
…Anyway, cuz of this Paws grew up and is now SANTA PAWS. How that works, I have no idea. Also, Adult Santa paws in this movie is voiced by Mitchell Musso. …Sigh.
So long story short, the Huckles adopt Will and Quinn, and Gus the crook gives his stolen money to the foster home. I’m pretty sure giving away stolen money is not legal even if it’s to a needy cause….but whatever.
So Paws is now Santa paws, Santa is back in the game, and they head out to make their Christmas trip. Of course the movie can’t end here, so they visit Will and Quinn. Santa Paws gives Quinn back her Angel cuz you really cared about that, right?
So then they put the angel on the tree and Santa heads off. That is the end, right? Nope! The black guy from earlier pops up at Huckle’s place the next day. They tell him the store made a profit, so it is theirs.
Again, you totally cared about that.
“Your grandfather would have been very proud”
Also, Huckle says his last name is Huckle Buckle again. Santa Christ, stop resolving crap no one cares about and END already!
So after giving us more endings than Return of the king, we finally end as the black guy leaves, and a choir sings us out. The. End.
…Wait, so the Paws from Santa Buddies was actually a stuffed animal turned real? …But he had a son. How can a former stuffed animal have se-NEVERMIND I DON’T WANNA THINK ABOUT IT.
This one was half in half. Half of it was as bad as I thought it would be, and the other half…was not. But as a whole, it kind of is.
My biggest problem is the narrative itself. In the end, almost every part of the plot is incredibly pointless and exists only to give us the biggest contrivances ever. The whole thing with Santa is kind of interesting, but it is surround by all this pointless crap that makes the plot muddled.
I mean yeah, the stuff the orphans did help the Santa plot and all that, but when all is said and done…I can think of ways they could have that crap out. And that’s not even mentioning the crap with the crook and Jimmy.
If they took THAT out, and shaved ten minutes or so, maybe it wouldn’t hit me how pointless the orphan crap is. I’ve already ranted about how annoying Quinn is, so I won’t repeat myself. Her actor sucks, end of story. Will’s acting is obviously better, but her character was dull and pointless.
Mrs Stout is so cruel and mean that she stops being fun, and that’s a huge problem. In the end, she’s so pointless that I really think they needed either a better villain, or no villain at all.
On the other hand, the stuff with Santa and Paws isn’t that bad. The guy playing Santa puts his heart into it, and as cliché as some of it is, I really did feel bad when Santa is about to DIE! And they, his relationship with Paws is forced as hell, but it does add something.
However, even that is ruined by the sloppy plot and shitty cop out at the end. I really do give credit though for TRYING to be ballsy at points, just like with Super buddies.
The film itself is just a muddled mess, with no too many character and subplots to really make you care. The main plot with Santa is almost good, but it is ruined. If the entire movie was about Santa and how he handles losing his memory, this could have been decent.
But it isn’t. I was mixed on what to give this movie, but when I think of this movie, I think of a mess with only a few good points. So..
Yeah, it got a better grade than all the buddies movies. At least it was never THAT annoying…but the good parts aren’t as good as in Spooky buddies. Also, this wasn’t NEARLY as awful as my friend says, but if the Nostalgia Critic can call Eight Crazy Nights one of the worst….then she can do the same kind of thing.
Anyway, there’s that. God, some of these modern kids movies suck! Actually…now that I think of it…movies now really are sucking! This year alone we’ve had Grown ups 2, Super Buddies, 30 nights, Movie 43….god!
You know what? Maybe all modern stuff sucks!
Oh now you don’t..
…Who was that? …Maybe I should look to see who typed that.
….Agent Goldfish? Look, if you want me to review the sequel, I’ll get to it next year.
No,. I am not Agent Goldfish. I took on his form to make myself more pleasing to you.
…You don’t know him very well, do you?
Regardless, I am here to tell you something special. See these chains?
These are the chains I’ve formed in life. Because I too…hatted everything modern.
Wait, stop, I don’t ha-
You have become deluded by all the bad movies you’ve watched. We are going to show you the good and bad sides of old and new!
…Wait. No…this can’t be what I think it is.
Starting with the next review, you will be visited….by three ghosts!
….It’s a Christmas carol. NOOOOOOOO!
TO BE CONTINUED