NOW FOR THE REVIEW ONE YEAR IN THE MAKING. SORRY.
Hello, Spongey here
Remember how I said that I didn’t own this book? Well I got it. So yay, I get to review it! Now, you all know about how i’m reviewing the horrorland series. Go back to my revenge of the living dummy review for a full refresher
When I heard he was doing another Monster blood book, I was pissed. But then I read the summary and found it was in name only!
Thus, I will judge this one on it’s own,. I did mention what I thought of it in the scream of the haunted mask, but hey, maybe my thoughts will change when I review it!
This, is Monster Blood for Breakfast!
The book opens with our hero, Matt daniels. He is narrating to us about his life when we see a faithful morning at his house. He’s eating breakfast with his sister Livvy, when in comes the most evil bastard in this whole series…
Bardley Wormser, also known as Worm. It’s a well deserved name is a skinny ass slimy nerd. . He lives in the house next to Matt, and their moms are buddies so that means they forced to hang. Worm always seems to torture matt in a jokingly asshole way
Matt and Livvy hate this, to the point where they barely argue with each other. Yeah, leave it to another dick to create a “friendly” sibling relationship!
“I’m really interested in science. And I’m a pretty good athlete too”
Okay, the evil green jello I can believe. But a SMART ATHLETE?! That’s just too crazy!
So Worm (imma call him that cuz whynot) and…drops a fly in matt’s cereal. I won’t even ask how he got that. He also is a general pain to everyone, but mom never notices it
after more stuff, we are told that worm worships matt, always going what he does. That’s oine fanboy no one wants. Not even the rule 34 artists
So then Worm brings out a can and tells Matt to open it. He dares him to do so, and matt does cuz worm is so trustworthy
He opens it and out comes a really bad putrid smell. It’s called Gas attack. It’s a dumb prank. …so anyway, after that they walk to school
Bradley then shows him a rock he bought off of ebay. It’s a rock from venus. Yes, not only is he a jerk, he’s also an idiot. Matt tells him this, but he doesn’t buy it.
See, the school is having a worm free science fair, and he hopes this rock will get him the “science prize”. The award is 500 bucks a month at NASA space camp. Matt is interested cuz he is athlete AND a smart guy.
I said this once and I’ll say it again: How unrealistic!
Matt shows Worm the “made in china” thing on the rock, which pisses him off. So of course, he throws the stone…at a stop sign. And it bounces off and hits a car windshield
One rock hitting a windshield shatters the whole thing. Sure, why not? Said car belongs to…Matt’s teacher. Ouch.
And …Bradly blames it on Matt. That’s the first of many awful things Bradley does in this book. Then it just cuts straight to lunch, instead of showing us the teacher’s likely hilarious reaction.
“I didn’t snitch on him. No one likes a snitch, right?”
…he broke a car windshield and blamed it on you. I think snitching is right in this case! Anyway, we are told Matt just said it was an accident , so Mr soto let him off easily.
Later, Matt and Bardley next to each other during a test. Of course, Bradley cheats off him. He asks for matt to slow down…out loud.
“Matt, you don’t have to keep showing me your answers”
Fuck you, Bradley. Trust me, he only gets worse. He’s likely one of the biggest dicks in Goosebumps history, without being an outright bully.
Really, matt is the one more likely to be a bully, with bradley being the picked on nerd…only it’s the other way around. That’s…actually kind of clever.
Both of them get 0’s, so that bit worm in the ass. Waitt, matt is clearly the one letting soemone cheat, so he should be in trouble, and not worm here. Wait, why am I question thing?
So one more strike and matt is out. So you wonder where that monster blood is. Well, it’s almost here. Matt goes home to find Bardley on his laptop and as Bradley leaves, matt sees what bardley did to it.
Though before THAT happens, they talk and Worm sees matt’s science project: a birdhouse with a computer chip in it. This is what stine thinks is science, I guess.
Oh, and Matt has a bunch of plants around. That’s important later. So on the laptop, is a site with only two words on it: MONSTER BLOOD.
It comes with a voice saying “enjoy your monster blood”. No matter what matt does, the site stays. He hits ESC, he reboots, and unplugs it. Still, the voice goes on.
Is THAT ever explained? Nope. Not In any way. You’ll see later. Anyway, he thinks Bradley did it.
“are you going to hurt him? Can I watch??”
He goes to his house, but worms claims he didn’t do it. Matt gives up and goes him. POWERHOUSE EXICEMENT. He talks to his mom and she says Bradley does this shit for attention cuz he isn’t as good as math and crap. ..No, he’s a jackass.
The next day, the teacher tells Matt that Bradley made a computer birdhouse thanks to Matt. And now Worm has taken Matt’s project. As you can imagine, this very much pisses him off.
So he assaults Bradley and is caught by a teacher.This is the last straw, Matt is suspended. Shit keeps happening to a kid making his life hell? Yep, it’s a monster blood book. Only matt is likable, and Worm is meant to be un-likable.
But for once, Bradley sticks up for Matt and tells the teacher that they were just playing around. She buys It cuz why not. So the teacher leaves, and Matt chews Bradley out for stealing the birdhouse.
Then Bradley tells Matt he can keep his dumb birdhouse, cuz he has something that will change his life. Then he leaves and the issue is dropped.
After school Matt runs into the men in black here, who seem to want something from him.
“If you just hand it over, there won’t be any trouble”
They calmly explain what they want, and everything is happy. Just kidding, they don’t explain and just say that what he “ordered” was dangerous and stuff. Matt runs away, and by the time a dude he knows shows up, they have vanished.
When we find out what these guys want,this scene will make even less sense.
After dinner, Bradley shows up to annoying Matt and Livvy. He shows them a small plastic egg…containing Monster Blood. It comes in eggs now? Weird.
Bradley brags that the blood will make him huge, and everyone will respect him. Matt buys it cuz of the whole laptop scare, and he figures this is what the men in black were here for.
At first, Matt wants to take the goop from Bradley, but he remembers the hell Bradley puts him through. So he decides it’s payback time, and he gives the blood to him since it will do bad things. Of course it will also make him giant, so he can crush Matt.
Bradley is about to eat, when Matt changes his mind and takes it back. Yay, he grew an extra brain cell. So he takes it back and tells Bradley to fuck off. He does.
That night, he stashes the icky blood away and goes to bed. The next morning, the blood has gotten into Matt’s big plant and now it’s huge. After a short fight with the monster blood, he heads downstairs as Bradley has arrive. Needless to say, he’s not in the mood.
He tries to get Bradley to help, but Mom shows up to rush them all out the door. Though she leaves before them, so Matt goes back to his room to see if the Monster Blood has gotten worse. But it has vanished without a trace.
Livvy appears and reveals she stuck a bit of it in her cereal, knowing Bradley would eat it. Neat revenge but he clearly didn’t react to it like she thought she would. Also, we will be getting a giant bradley now. Nice job breaking it, Not hero.
Yeah, she doesn’t know it makes things grow, but whatever. She walks away before Matt can explain why this is horrible. Though Matt just assumes it will make sick or something. That would be better but nope, he’s gonna grow like…something that grows.
He races to school and tries to tell Bradley, but before he can-
“I saw your sister put something in my bowl at breakfast. So,. Know what I did? I switch bowls with you Matt. You ate MY cereal”
DUN DUN DUN!
Wait, then why didn’t Matt feel sick or start growing right away? We know from MB 3 that the blood makes humans grow faster. We cut to later at class….cuz he didn’t murder Bradley for some reason.
But he is thinking all about the Monster Blood and if it will make him grow right or what. He anxiously waits for the change all day, but it never comes. Until around the bell, when his jeans feel tighter. Why it took him longer to grow than the plants is beyond me.
He grows a foot tall in a minute. But it’s time for his big swim meet. Things go fine until he hits the water. Now he’s growing REALLY fast though he seems to stop at “small Hulk”. But still he’s so big he’ll freak people out.
Though for some reason none of the other swimmers notice they are next to a mini giant. His body is below water but come on, they never bump into him?
Anyway, the race is on and Matt is winning due to his size. But soon he gets bigger and he can’t move as fast. He wins in the end though, he of course can’t leave with anyone else.
But that problem is moot when he climbs out from the deep end as everyone’s eyes are on the next swimmers. Guess a huge guy won’t attract any wandering eyes before he runs behind the bleachers.
He gets to the locker room, but his swimsuit tears off, leaving him naked. Um, ew. Thankfully, Stine goes into how the monster blood also works as Viagra.
He runs into the locker room and wraps two towels around him, thank god. Then he gets an idea. See, the plant got even bigger cuz he watered it and that also happened with Matt. So if he dries himself out, he’ll turn back to normal!
…Eh, I’ll accept it.
He needs to dry himself off, and he heard there are hair dryers in the girls locker room so he sneaks in there while there are no girls there. He’s that desperate? Um,. Okay. …So, there’s a close call but he is able to avoid being caught.
Sadly, his drying idea is crap so he decides to just try and sneak back home. He makes it home (suspense ruined) and finds he has is too big for his own good now. He even cracks his bed a bit. Okay, so I see his size changes from not big enough for swimmers to see to HOLSHITYOUHUGEBITCh.
So he grabs his Dad’s big ass raincoat and decides to visit Bradley to see if he get the monster blood box that the egg came in. But as soon as he opens the door, he bumps into the men in black. ‘
Matt breaks down and admits he has monster blood, and he wants them to help him.
‘What on EARTH is monster blood?”
DUN DUN DUN!
Yep, they are not here for the monster blood. They work for the company that makes …the gas attack cans. You know, the one from the first scene. They brought that back for some reason.
‘A bad batch was sent out. It’s way too smelly.”
So they came to get it back. I’m not expert on this subject, but if a company does something like that, they have normal guys call up and tell you about this so so you can send it back or tell them you threw it away.
They don’t send Agent K and Jay here to just act scary and not specify anything! So it’s another pointless contrivance that is just there as a red herring.
So the men leave (without being shocked by how huge he is) and Matt stomps over to Bradley’s. Bradley thinks he’s a giant monster and Matt accidentally crashes through the door, turning on the burglar alarm.
Wait, the men in black didn’t see him as odd but Bradley reacts badly to him? I’d some consistency in my books about evil green jello, please! ….Thougyh Bradley realizes it’s him a moment later.
But not before Matt hears police sirens. Wow, these cops move fast. Matt quickly asks Bradley where the MB box is, right before he runs to the backyard to hide from the police. Bradley gives him the box a few minutes later.
With the box in hand, he walks in through the back door but suddenly finds himself shrinking. This sudden shrinkage gives him great pain, and he has Bradley tell him what the box says.
“We hope you enjoy this sample 12 hour version of Monster Blood”
…WEAK. I’d nitpick the whole “Sarabeth curse” tihng but I consider the horrorland series an AU to the original series. But if Monster blood is an actual product with these properties, than why has no one else who bought it bitched about it?
If it’s an online order thing, than that brings up more questions but, that’s okay. However, the box also has a coupon for long lasting Monster Blood They run to Matt’s house and find that his plant is still huger.
“I guess it works differently on plants”
Sure. Why not?
They shrug it off, as they are glad this is over. By the way, the police left at this point. I would have liked a better climax, but I can deal.
Oh, but we still need one last scene, so how about that science far? Yep, Bradley has his birdhouse project back as Bradley gave up on both that and his monster blood idea, i’m assuming.
The next day, it’s the scienfe far as Matt walks and sees some really cool stuff from his classmates.
“It’s a waterfall that flows up. I’m trying to prove Gravity doesn’t exist”
The laws of physics are for pussies.
One guy built a self destruction machine. …That sounds…familiar.
DOOF: The blow itself up inator!
Anyway, Mr Scotto is very impressed with Matt’s electronic birdhouse thingy. A few moments later the winner is about to be announced…when Bradley finally shows up….with Matt’s plant which is now even bigger.
“I made this plant grow using ultraviolet laser light beams.
- That “OF COURSE DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE” ,moment wouldn’t fly in real life, and they would want proof, which you do not have.
2. Even after matt’s angry rampage, you still rip him off? DOUCHE.
Bradley wins right away. Matt is just as pissed as I am. But as he walks over to yell at him, he sees the plants tendrils reaching down. They start to wrap around Bradley’s legs.
Tentacle rap jokes aside, Matt watches as Bradley seems to be getting in trouble. What will he do?!
“…Continuations Bradley! You deserve it Bradley. You really do”
…The end. Okay, that was an awesome comeuppance ending. And no, we don’t find out what happens to Bradley even though we obvious see Matt later in the horrorland sections.
So (abruptly) ends our story.
Despite my nitpicking, this one was decent, but unremarakble. It’s probably the only Monster blood book that didn’t annoy me in any way, as he even the first one still had Evan. Though on the other hand, I can’t sing praises on a big element like the first MB book.
However, I have no real issus here. I do like the main character, and he’s plenty likable. And even though I bash Bradley, he’s an awesomely enjoyable douche, even if they go overboard at points. His comppuance was great.
My problem is the story. Most of it is spent setting up how much Bradley sucks and having freaky Monster blood stuff happen. It sets up everything so much that it feels abrupt when the monster blood is finally eaten.
And when it is, it’s pretty good though it’s anti climatic. The best part Is when he starts growing it feels very urgent and the suspense is high. The smaller scale at which he grows makes it better than when Monster blood 3 did it.
It’s a fairly enjoyable Horrorland entry, and I suppose you could argue it’s better than Creep from the deep but that had better pacing, a better plot and ZOMBIE PIRATES. And I think we can all agree Scream of the haunted mask is better than both.
There isn’t much that this book does well that is AMAZING or different from the other “normal” good GB books. But it’s still a decent read and it proves to be the most consistent Monster blood book by far.
If the plot was more streamline, it could have been better. But still, it’s a nice addition to the horrorland series, and things will only get more interesting.
Don’t worry, you won’t have to wait a year for the next Horrorland review. Join me next time as I look at book 5 which is…well…crazy.