Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

I think the writers have a loose definition of the word "Final"

I think the writers have a loose definition of the word “Final”

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, it’s Friday the 13th once again, my lovelies. As you know, every Friday the 13h, I review one of the Friday the 13th movies.

In April of 2012, I did Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan where Jason stalks a boat and doesn’t take Manhattan until the 3rd act. It was a classic so bad it’s good movie, with the first film appearance of Kelly Hu. Who shockingly hasn’t appeared on this blog since, aside from Across the 2nd dimension of course.

Then in July, the very day before my birthday, I did the remake, where goes back to the woods and I bitch about him being a momma’s boy even though they did it in the original. They did it badly in the remake though so there. It was okay. Not good or bad, just okay.

And now it’s September of 2013, and it’s time to do another Jason movie. But which one? Well, I used the leet skills of random.org to help me, and I came up with part 9.

Released in 1993, this was the point where they wanted to finally end the series. They intended it to lead into the crossover film Freddy Vs Jason…but that took too long so they made another one in the meantime.

Note to filmmakers: NEVER PUT FINAL IN THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE. IT WILL NEVER BE THE LAST ONE. They didn’t learn their lesson from the “final “ chapter. Ellm Street did this too, and let’s not forget THE Final destination.

With that said, is it any good? Critic disliked it, but they always hated these movies, even the first one. Fan reaction seems to be mixed, as I do see this being mentioned as one of the weak entries.

But since I loved part 8 for how bad it is, I may like this one too. Let’s see if it’s any good!

This, is Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

The movie opens with some random chick arriving at at Crystal Lake for some reason. She just makes herself at home and gets undressed so she can take a bath.

Nudity before the 5 minute mark. Must be a new record for these movies. Before we can get an explanation for who she is or why she’s here, the lights turn off. A few minutes later, she bumps into Jason.

Again, not wasting time are we?

 

She runs off and we get a chase scene with a chick in a towel. I wonder if this meant to turn someone on…just a guess. Also, her towel magically stays on her for some reason.

They run into a clearing…until some dues in suits pop up and shoot Jason. They shoot him until l he blows up cuz that’s how bullets work. And with that, Jason is down for good.

Huh, that was a short movie. So that was-….oh okay, that’s not the end.

So wait, Jason survived all kinds of shit for at least 7 movies but some guys shooting him down is what finally kills him for good? That’s stupid. Well anyway, it turns out that chick is named Elizabeth, and she was an uncover FBI agent who I guess was luring jason out s these guys could get him.

So why was she shocked when he appeared? Why casually take a bath when you know a killer is here? If they knew Jason why there, why didn’t the gun dudes go in themselves?

Whatever. So Jason’s remains are taken to a morgue and the guy inspects it. This is nitpicking but it cuts to bits of the opening credits while this happens and it goes on way too long. So he discoverers that jason’s heart is twice the size of a normal heart.

…The heart of a ruthless killer is bigger than a normal heart. That makes no sense. Or maybe his heart grew two sizes today, I don’t know.

Suddenly, Jason’s hearts starts beeping. He must have a heart, because it’s break-i mean beating. And the morgue guy eats it. Yummy?

Then the camera spins around and the Morgue guy is possessed by Jason’s spirit. Wait, what? Eating a heart catches Jason’s spirit? I assume the heart hypnotized him into eating it but why? Jason is already a weird zombie but he has the power to make his heart make a guy eat it so he can take over his body?

Chris, I thought part 8 got ridiculous.

So some assistant dude comes to swear a lot, I guess. He talks to Jason’s body like a weird person.

I’d like to take a crap right on your fucking mask”

Hey, keep your fetishes to yourself.

For that, Jason kills him with a probe thingy and then heads out. He kills two security guys (One which is played by Kane hodder, who also plays Jason) and it cuts to later as a news guy reports of their death. He already guesses that it’s Jason who is not really dead.

It is suspect that the coroner who inspected jason went missing, and his assistant died but a real news guy wouldn’t assume it was Jason back from the dead. Then again, maybe he got self aware of the fact that jason always comes back no matter what

We cut to some show called American Case Files which talks about Jason and this matter. The host is interviewing a bounty hunter who thinks Jason isn’t really dead. He talks about how Jason wears people’s bodies, and no one has seen the true jason.

He offers to kill Jason for good, as only he knows how to do it. So that was the interesting stuff. Let’s get to our female hero for the evening: Diana.

She’s working a diner place which is having a 2 for 1 special cuz of Jason’s death. Yeah, that happens. Even Diana agrees with me but the boss lady does not.

It just so happens that the Bounty Hunter guy, Creighton Duke, is hanging out there. He randomly tells Diana that Jason may not be dead, and he needs her help.

I know everything about you Diana”

What I want to know is how this guy knows her and why some random chick would know how to kill Jason. Before we get any answers, her husband/boyfriend/dude friend the sheriff shows up to get her away from strange man.

She’s my woman”

‘She’s only your woman cuz she ain’t had a taste of the duke yet”

Well, I already love this guy.

So they kick Duke out of the dinner. Diana talks to her friend Steven, and says there’s something about her daughter Jessica he doesn’t know. But she can’t tell him here, so she tells him to come to her house later.

Later, he’s driving when he picks up some of his friends, who headed to Crystal Lake now that it’s 100 percent Jason free. They’re off to smoke some dope, and have a little pre marital sex.

He drops them off and we spend a bit of time with these people as they hang around the camp. Also, the chicks get nude.,..then cover up again. Just more examples of this film’s classy-ness.

One chick sleeps outside while the others go in their tent. Then of course Jason shows up and kills her. Her screams didn’t make any nose somehow, but the other chicks comes out later to take a piss.

…And she heads back in to have sex with her boyfriend. Well, that was pointless. And yes, we do indeed some them do it a little bit though not to a hardcore level. But it does make me wonder if there’s a porn parody of Friday the 13th, since these movies have as much nudity as a porno.

Thankfully, comes in and kills them. The kills have been cool so far but none as awesome as Jason freaking punching that dude’s head off in the 8th one. Anyway, that ends ‘people get killed at crystal lake” scene #576.

Anyway, Diana walks home from work that night. We see that Jason (still in that dude’s body) spying on her from afar. But it’s the sheriff husband/boyfriend guy who pops up behind her in a jump scare.

As soon as Diana leaves, this other chick shows up and kisses Sheriff boyfriend/husband dude cuz it looks they are together. I guess it’s an affair kind of thing. I don’t know, they don’t seem to explain well.

But it doesn’t matter cuz Jason pops up behind her a second later. Even for this movie, this was a short lived character. And it cuts to um, some black guy with a dude strapped to a table, but then something happens and he screams.

Was that duke or Jason as the Coroner? I’m dumb so I can’t tell and thus, I have no idea what happened in that scene.

…Well, anyway, at home, Diana gets a call from Jessica we see is a teen Mom, joy. She says she has a boyfriend, who we see is the American case files’ host from earlier. Then Jason pops up at Diana’s place , now possessing Sheriff boyfriend/husband dude.

She sees Jason’s reflection in the mirror, so she knows it’s him right away and she shoots him down. Well, she’s the smartest character so far at least. But he ain’t dead…again so continues his attack. Then Steven shows up and starts to fight Jason. Okay, he’s badass for a nerd guy.

But even he can’;t save Diana as Jason kills her. Well, the movie’s over, bye! …Okay, once again that’s not the end. Jason escapes while Steven is mourning, and a cop shows up out of the blue.

He thinks Steven killed her I won’t even try to complain about why that makes no sense. Steven is thrown in jail but this one cop dude assures him that this will blow over. While in jail, he bumps into Duke.

So you get can get thrown in jail for…um…uh…what he did he do? Anyway, they bicker and Duke says he knows how to kill Jason. But revealing that info comes at a price. A few silent moments later, Steven says he is ready to pay the price.

Duke breaks his hand and tells him the only way is to kill Jason’s heart. Seems like he just did the ‘price” thing to be a dick for no reason. But wait, that’s not all. There’s a reason Jason is going after Diana. …That also comes at a price.

He breaks his hand again. Okay, you’re just a douche, okay? I mean breaking his hand proves nothing. Anyway, he says the bodies Jason jumps into don’t last. Jason needs to be reborn, and he needs Jessica to do it.

Why does he need Jessica? Guess what. HE HAS TO PAY THE PRICE AGAIN. Thankfully, he doesn’t break his hand again and just gives it away for free. As it turns out, Diana is Jason’s sister.

DUN DUN DUN!

I’m sure this is a bullshit recon, but since I haven’t seen a lot of the sequels, I can’t tell you if this makes no sense. I suppose Jason had to reason to kill any of his bloodline up until this point. See, only a Vorhees can kill Jason. So why hasn’t he done this before to ensure he can’t die for real ever again?

Oh yeah, cuz if he did, then we wouldn’t have a Vorehees for the story. ,

So Steven has to warn Jessica. So, his fingers miraculously heal and he uses a guard’s gun against him to get him to set him free.

Anyway,, Jessica puts her daughter in the care of a Babysitter named Vicki (one letter away from me making a Fairly odd parents joke…) who so happens to work at that dinner place. Yes, leave your kid with someone who as at work and thus will need to leave the baby unattended. Makes perfect sense.

So Steven goes to the old Vorehees house to find evidence to convince Jessica of her innocence. Even he knows his girlfriend (Yeah, I forgot to mention he’s a teen dude and he’s dating Jessica or whatever) won’t buy his word cuz she’s an idiot. Or will be an idiot it he just tells her.

Steven falls through the floorboards, and Robert Cambell the anchorman host guy from earlier walks in. And they do that thing where the jerkass explains everything to a guy on the phone in a forced way.

I found Diana’s body, hit in the Vorhees house, and I went home and fucked her daughter!”

That’s how I would sum it up. In other words, he planted Diana’s body here to show it to the police during his show to boost ratings. Random jackass guy fucking the hero’s girlfriend for the win!

Then Jasoin pops up and kills him. I see Jason still has his teleporting abilities from part 8. We finally see how Jason gets the new bodies: He spits up some creature into the dude’s mouth. Why does it have to gross like that?

Yes, that means Jason goes mouth to mouth on the guy to give him the creature. No comment.

So now that he’s in a new body, Jason heads to Jessica’s house while she’s (of course) in the shower. No full nudity this time, which is either good or bad depending on how you look at it. The lights turn off, and she gets out of the shower to investigate.

Jason pops up behind her, but so does Steven, who is here to save the day. He and Jessica run to his car and they escape. Jessica isn’t happy, but Steven explains what is going on.

She…does not buy it. Infact, when he suggests going back for the baby, she slams his head on the steering wheel a few times. I could complain that she didn’t even give him a chance before kicking him out…but it was too awesome.

She goes to the police, who send a car out to get Steven. Why didn’t just pretend to be with ihm, THEN drop him off at the police? Doing it this way gives him a chance to escape dumbass.

Or not, cuz Steven just kind of stays on the road. The cop that comes out is the one that helped Steven earlier, and he is kind of pissed that he supposedly ran over Robert. I forgot to mention that part.

You know, Jessica, that fact that Robert was TRYING TO KILL YOU should have tipped you off that he was Jason. Idiot.

Steven and the cop duke it out, but they both have a gun so they are kind of evenly matched. Once he hears Jessica is at the station, he turns himself in.

Then Jason as Robert comes in to the station and kills a cop, and tries to put his phallic creature into her mouth. Another cop stops him but Jason kills him.

Jessica runs off and Steven again comes in to save the day. I have to say, this is getting good. Lots of kills, plenty of action, and Steven is kind of badass. They are able to escape and make it back to the diner where the baby is.

The boss lady however points a gun at Steven, cuz remember, she thinks he killed Diana. But Jessica knocks her out. Now this is what I’ve been waiting for!

Boss lady had a dude guard the door in case …um…i guess in case Jason tries to get in, but why should she buy what Steven says? Anyway, the guard guy gets killed by Jason. Jason heads in but Steven tries to shoot him down.

Hey, it worked earlier, so why not?

But he just barges in and kills Boss lady. Awesome. Steven and Jessica hide in the back but Jason comes in. He captures Jessica but Vicki awesomely shows some balls and fights him.

Go to hell”

Yeah, mean it’s in the title of the movie but you haven’t gone to hell yet. Then again, the last movie promised you’d take Manhattan but it took you like an hour!

Jason kills her. If you played a Drinking game with jason’s kills, these movies would kill you faster than Jason would.

Jessica finds a note from Duke saying he has the baby, and he must come to to Vorhees house. Alone. I can’t wait to find out what the hell duke wants with the baby.

She does so and he gives her the baby back. This has been another-

220px-wat

That’s two reviews in a row where I used that. Weird.

Tonight we can send Jason Vorhees straight to hell”

So that’s what  the tile means. Kind of misleading though…

Jessica is reluctant to help but since Jason will kill her if she doesn’t do the job, she accepts. Then some cop dude shows up, who Duke thinks is Jason. Then Randy, the cop Steven was with a few scenes ago, comes in to stop him.’

Cop guy is killed, but whoops, it turns out Randy is Jason now. He tries to possess the baby cuz I guess Jessica was a lost cause. But in another crowning moment of awesome, Steven shows up and slashes “Jason”’s neck.

But then the creature thingy crawls out. It gets to the basement where Diana’s body was stored .and crawls in her vagina. Um, ew.

Then they realize that Jason can be reborn through a Vorhees….ANY Vorhees. And thus, Jason is BACK in all his Kane Hodder, hockey mask wearing glory.

Then Duke is killed by Jason in a bear hug. Wow, death by hug. That’s something I never thought Jason would do. Jason fights Steven and they end up in the front yard.

The fight is pretty enjoyable, as Steven tries his hardest to fight back even when Jason has him on his back. Now, a few minutes ago, Duke gave Jessica a knife which turned into a magic dagger when she touched It.

He said only this could kill Jason. It’s not explained very well. But really, magic dagger? Well, she pulls it out and as Jason is about to kill Steven…she jumps out and stabs Jason the best.

Jason stumbles it while Steven punches him a lot. Then Jessica thrusts the dagger in further and two big rock hands come out of the grand to drag Jason to hell. Jason is down for good.

Eh, getting stabbed in the chest is lame but the rock hands thing makes up for. Not the worst way to kill him, so I’ll take it.

Morning comes (quite abrupt I might add) and thus, Steven and Jessica walk into the sunset with the baby. How ….weak. But then a dog shows up and finds Jason’s mask, which was left on earth for some reason.

The dog walks away. And then…Freddy Krugers gloved hand pops out of the ground and drags Jason’s mask into the ground.

DUN DUN DUN!

And of course this all setup for Freddy Vs Jason…which came out 10 years later. Whoops. Well anyway, that was the (usual abrupt) end.

Final Thoughts:

This one was kind of a mixed bag. At a critical level it’s weak. Not as bad as Part 8, but weak. At least in this one, we don’t follow a bunch of dumb teens the whole teen. No, we follow one smart boy and one kind of dumb but badass girl.

So at least the characters were better handled here. Duke as kind of cool but in the end he just wasn’t cool enough. As usual for these movies, the characters don’t have much personality but at LEAST Steven and Jessica have badass moments. Escpailly Steven.

He was the true hero, at least to me. The story is nothing special: Jason posses a bunch of guys to kill yet another batch of people, only this time he’s gonna kill the last his bloodline so he can come back to life.

It sounds cooler than it is. It just comes across as typical. Some parts at least try to be scary instead of comedic like part 8. But I can’t complain cuz I’m not here for the story, I’m here for entertainment.

And I sure got it. The 3rd act alone makes it worth watching with the great action and awesome kills. So like part 8, it’s so bad it’s good to an extent. But unlike part 8, it’s not insanely awesome in how dumb it is.

It’s fun but only the 3rd act is awesome like most of part 8 was. We don’t have moments like Jason kicking the radio, or knocking the dude’s head off. It’s kind of time considering the otherworldly premise.

So it’s kind of caught. It’s not as bad as part 8, but it’s not as entertaining. As far as bad movies go, it’s in the middle. It’s fun but the novelty value of Jason in other people’s bodies kind of wears off after awhile.

But in spite of my nitpicking, I had fun. There’s nothing really awful in it so I don’t 100 percent get why some Friday fans would shun in it. Is it any dumber than the other movies?

Ah well, it was alright for my tastes. But this isn’t a Friday movie i’ll be revisiting very often. If you want a fun Jason movie to watch, this isn’t a bad option.

Critical Grade: C

So Bad It’s Good grade: B

Happy Friday the 13th!

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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2 Responses to Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

  1. Sasha says:

    Try visiting 3single (dot) com. There you can talk to amateur grils who look like your neighbor. Have fun 🙂

  2. Mark Doherty says:

    Dear spongey, I have been reading all of your reviews since so bad it’s horrible month, and I must say you are an EXCELLENT movie reviewer. You’re so good you could be friends with spill.com or Doug Walker. But I was actually going to ask you something. I’m not sure if you take requests or not or of you have anything planned, but if you do could you review Scary Godmother: Halloween Spooktacular? It’s a great Halloween movie that’s on Youtube. If you could, thank you so much! Mark

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