Movie 43

Let's pray they never find the other 42.

Let’s pray they never find the other 42.

Hello, Spongey here.

I’m not looking forward to this. The hate for this movie is unbelievable. It’s gotten some of the worst reviews I’ve ever seen. Richard Repoper called it the citzen kane of awful, and spill.com gave it a DOUBLE FUCK YOU.

Before this movie came out, no one knew anything about it. And I was interested simply because of the star studded cast. Moral of the story: Good actors =/= Good movie.

And with the kind of buzz this movie has, I needed to review it. Before I start, I must give some background. This is a series of  unreleased sketches, each directed by some other guy.

I love a good sketch show, but I bet this won’t fit the bill quite right. The movie was shot on the cheap, (which meant it made it’s money back easily). Some of the actors signed easily, while some actually tried to get out of the film

 “But we wouldn’t let them. The strategy was simple: ‘Wait for them. Shoot when they want to shoot. Guilt them to death.”

You know a movie is bad when the actors wanted out and the directors admit to evilly guilt tripping them. Most of them only knew about their one skit, and had no idea how bad the rest of the movie would be.

The movie took several years to film because of the actors schedules. And like the last movie we saw, the wait was not worth it.

Without further ado…

This, is Movie 43

The movie opens with a teen named Calvin talking to the camera. We see him and his friends doIing a jackass style stunt, only less funny. They put it on youtube and get tons of hits.

The youtube shot already looked different by the time this movie came out. Should I bash youtube like the commenters, or the filmmakers for being ever so timeless?

The two teens get a message from Calvin’s brother saying it was all a prank, and he cloned YouTube and hyper-inflated the views whilst working on his science project. Yeah, that’s possible.

So they figure they should get revenge. They call up the kid to their room and tell him that they there is a movie so dangerous that it could kill you. What is it called?

Movie 43”

Gotta love a movie that flat out says it’s so bad it will kill you.

I guess we’ll visit some dark corners of the internet”

4chan?

While Calvin sneaks off, they go to a banned video site and watch the 43rd video on there. Thus, this leads to our first skit. Yep, this is our wraparound.

This is actually the ALTERNATIVE cut of the movie, originally released in the UK, but included on the DVD. The Us cut has the wraparound be a some guy pitching a shitty script to a producers. Sound interesting, certainty better than what the UK got.

This opening segment is awkward and not funny. But I can’t expect more from the director of Little Nicky.

Skit #1 is called “The Catch” and is directed by Peter Farlley. It starts off with Beth, played by Kate Winslet, getting ready for a blind date. Said date is Davis, the city’s most eligible bachelor.

She heads to the restaurant where we find out Davis is played by Hugh jackman. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. He takes off his scarf to reveal he has balls on his neck.

Yep, actual balls hanging from his neck. I can’t show you a pic cuz…I’m sure that’s illegeal somehow. But it’s real. And no one reacts to it but Beth, though even she doesn’t scream BALLLLS.

They make small talk without being funny. The only joke is in the form of his balls. And neck balls aren’t funny. The whole joke is that no one notices his neck balls but Beth. At one point he even gets sauce on his balls and licks it off.

Funny?

Every line from him steers into neck balls, before it turns out he’s talking about something else, which pisses off Beth. Joke?

Reviewing this bit is hard as NOTHING HAPPENS except for that one joke. It gets worse when a family Davis knows shows up with their baby, and David holds the baby and the babys’ head touches his neck.

It’s funny…cuz…baby…balls…LAUGH.

They then take a pic for the family, which involves more close calls with his balls. (RHYME) Thankfully, we abruptly join Calvin’s friend back on the computer. Calin takes the brother’s laptop so he can put porn viruses on it. Well, that was a short first skit…and a bad one to start off with./ It didn’t start out awful but it got worse and worse with each joke. How about he we grade each sketch? The Catch gets a d-.

Clavin’s friend pops in video 42, which launches into Sketch 2, called Homeschooled. Anna and Sean are having coffee with their neighbors. , Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts) say that their son is homeschooled. But the thing is, they want him to have the complete high school experience.

Like the teacher/Mom being bitchy and giving him detention, or dad being a dick coach. But what else does high school have? Alienation, and bullying. They do that too, like writing “Kevin is a fag” on the fridge.

It’s funny cuz it’s child abuse under the guise of home school. They even emulate the whole “not getting into a wild party” thing…using his own house. At least there is a joke this time, and while the idea isn’t bad.,…it’s not funny at all.

We even see them tying him to a flagpole and making him shout I SUCK DICKS on video, like bullies do. It’s funny cuz it’s HORRIBLE.

But they did give him his first kiss…with mom. INCEST! It’s always funny, just ask That’s my boy! They even take pride of the moment when Kevin says he wishes he had never been born, cuz most kids don’t get to that stage until 15.

Kevin shows up to meet the new neighbors, and he seems perfectly normal. At least until he reveals a doll made of a mop with Mom’s face on it, referring to the doll as his girlfriend. End skit.

Wow, that made Hugh’s neck balls look hilarious. That was terrible! I get the joke but it’s so mean spirited….icky! I give a D.

But sadly Calvin’s brother has to take us to skit 3, called The Proposition. This one comes from the director of Rebound. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Chris Pratt here is about to have a picnic with Anna Faris-

anna-faris

I had to pull this out.

-whom he is in a relationship with. Doug points that he and Julie have been together for about a year now. He says there’s something he wants to ask her, but she also has a request for him.

Will you poop on me?”

…What.

I trust you. I want you to be my first”

Shes serious. She really treats this seriously. Before this gets extra gross, Doug has to prepare for that night when he has…to do the job. He has a BBQ with his buds, who actually want him to do this.

Shitting is something you do on a whore. Pooping is something you do for a soulmate”

Profound.

What follows is discussion about what to eat, punctuated with no jokes. That night, it’s time for…the shit to hit the fan. But first, she wants to savor this or whatever. But cuz doug had some laxatives, he just wants to get this over with.

I am actually typing this in all seriousness. Once again, there are no real jokes to be found here.

Julie acts all romantic about being shit on. But then..

Roll over and let me shit on you please!”

More words I never thought I would have to type. She’s pissed cuz of…the whore comment from a bit ago. Why did that “joke” have to come back?

Pissed, she runs into the street, and doug runs after her, only to get hit by a car. This just isn’t his week. Then they get all romantic while he’s on the ground, seemingly okay in spite of losing a shit ton of blood.

He proposes to her here. Yeah, good luck explaining this moment to your kids.  She accepts. End Skit.

That sucked. While it wasn’t as painful as Homeschooled, it was every bit as shitty. Pointless, no real jokes, and it was just weird. I give a D.

Back in the wraparound, Calvin’s brother starts getting really weird about finding this video. He pulls up a secret search engine that only 50 humans have access to. He searches for movie 43, and we jump into skit number 4, called “Veronica”.

Kieran Culkin here is working the night shift at a grocery store. He bumps into the titular Veronica, played by Emma Stone.

Emma-Stone-hot-booty-shorts-blue-denim-redhead-heels-white-bustier-hq-hd

Again, i had to.

The thing, she is Neil’s ex, so they argue a lot. Then…it gets weird as he says he wants to lick her til she bleeds. It gets sexual and argue-y. And cuz Neil hit the button, the intercom lets the whole store hear this.

They talk more and they kiss. Then she realzies, as Neil realizes the whole store heard this. …Then an old guy tells Neil to go get her back. The customers all offer to cover for his shift while he goes out. End skit.

KRUSTY: …What the hell was that?

How is that hugh’s neckballs have been the funniest thing so far?! That wasn’t as bad as Homeschool or whatever, but is it was…weird, and pointless! D- for that one.

After a weird commerical, we jump into skit 5, called Superhero Speed dating. Robin, played by Justin Long, is trying out speed dating when Batman, played by Jason Sudekis shows up. Batman embrasses him in a very unfunny way, by revealing Robin’s weird history.

Batman says he’s here cuz he needs Robin to help find a bomb planted by some bad guys .His next date is with Lois lane, played by Uma Thurman. Heh, she’s with batman and robin again.

Lois says she broke up with Superman cuz he fought in a city that was being destroyed and somehow it was a big deal. Wait, that was why the fanboys broke up with him. No, this superman watched her in her sleep.

Batman shows up again and ends up calling Superman on his phone. Hey, that’s not until 2015 guys! He ends up telling supes about the date, and he shows up to threaten Robin. Then he leaves as fast as he arrived.

Robin gets back to his table to see Batman embarrasing him in front of Lois. Man, this batman is a dick! But at least he’s better than Crazy Steve. Man, I’m pulliung out the references today!

Batman lets Robin have one more date before going to get the bomb. Only now Bruce-y is gonna hide under the table and feed Dick some lines to help with this next gal. So then Supergirl, played by Kristen Bell, shows up.

kristen

This pic from the movie shows off her cute-ness rather well. They do the gag where the dude feeds him lines but ends up saying weird shit by accident. At one point, Batman says he can  see her snatch and ends up going on a long rant about it.

Supergirl breaks it when she says she can see him. She promptlty leaves. Getting kind of bored now, but also annoyed cuz Batman sucks. Batman spots The penguin, played by John Hodgman.

Just as Batman puts the hurt on him, Wonder woman shows up. Turns out, she’s his ex and they argue. It gets pretty tedious. Their fight is interuppted, by the penguin tying his bomb to supergirl.

Who is…back somehow. Whatever. With the power of Adam West style sound effects, Robin takes out the penguin and saves supergirl. And now they are together. I don’t care at this point.

Then it turns out “Supergirl” is actually the riddler in disguise. It was part of some weird long plan. Turns out Batman actually knew this back back when he saw “her” snatch.

Why did you make me kiss her/him?”

I woke up this morning with the case of the fuck-arounds”

This skit wouldn’t be so bad if Batman wasn’t so annoying. End Skit. That was the best skit so far, which isn’t saying a lot. It wasn’t panful, and the idea was funny, but it runs on for too long and it just felt awkward and annoying. It gets a D-.

Next is a fake PSA about kids stuck in machines and how adults’ criticism of these particular machines affect the feelings of the children stuck inside the machines. Dumb, but it’s short.

Back with Calvin’s brother, a weird dude pops up on his computer before he can bring up another video.

Do you know where I can find movie 43?”

Are you prepared to have your brains butchered into tiny pieces?”

I think that was the poster tagline.

It is the one movie that can bring down societiy”

If we survived. Jack and Jill, we can survive anything.

Before anything can happen, the little dude brings up Skit 6, called ibabe. This one again comes from the director of Little Nicky. Last airbender survivor Asaif Mandiv, is having a meeting over their new product, the ibabe.

The iBabe is a life-sized, realistic replica of a nude woman which functions as an MP3 player. Richard Gere here doesn’t get why there are having this meeting, so Jack Mcbrayer explains. Seriously Jack? A thousand words, now this? So many blog repeat offenders today.

He says that they place the fan…in the opening. By opening, I mean vagina. And since boys love sticking their dicks where they don’t belong…well let’s say this thing was a WTFIWWY story waiting to happen. Hell, the case the skit opens with happened in Florida!

Other mp3players don’t have a warning not to have sex with it”

Knowing today’s youth, they freaking should. Kate Bosworth was the only who figured that a naked lady shaped player with a fan in it’s snatch would hurt someone. They try to figure out a way around this problem especially, since people didn’t love the idea of a naked lady shaped player in the first place.

The whole mangled dick thing was only the icing on the weird cake. They bring out the iBabe 2.0, which includes actual naked boobs. Again, can’t show you cuz porn can be found elsewhere.

This model…lets you the change the race. Again, only kate sees this as bad. This leads to an ad or the iBabe saying not to fuck it. Thankfully, gangster guy takes us back to the wraparound.

That one was…meh. Bad but not the worst. Though, again, it was weird and had no real jokes. I give it a D.

Weird dude on the computer is suddenly accosted by some Korean gangster, looking for Movie 43. Also earlier Calvin said this friend of his told him about Movie 43, so when the brother mentions it, the gangsters ask him about it.

So the Koreans demand Baxter find Movie 43. So thus, he brings up Skit 7, called Middleschool date. It’s directed by Elizabeth banks, of all people.

Nathan, and Amanda, played by Chloe Mortez, are hanging at his house for their first “Middle school date”. Wait, why is Hit girl in this movie? Come on, was this your best career move? Oh, and since she was in wimpy kid, that’s another person from another review!

Speaking of Kickass, the villain from that film pops up as Nathan’s brother, who mocks them.. Amanda gets up once he leaves to hit the bathroom. But as it turns out, she is menstruating, and tries to hide it.

Did this young actress read the script and realize what she is doing? Ugh.

So that’s our joke, as Nathan can’t tell the difference between a punch stain on the couch, and blood. Hell, only the brother puts this together.

Having never had her period, they have no idea what to do. Isn’t this a hilarious set up for a skit? Then dad shows up…played by Patrick Warburton.

Really, dude?! Rebound, Hoodwinked 2, Space chimps 2, now THIS?! This is 5th time you’ve been on here, and of those movies, only Ted was good! Anyway, the Dad doesn’t freak over this cuz this movie loves “weird shit is normal” jokes.

Nathan doesn’t really know what a period is, and assumes snatch bleeding leads to death. Oh, Speaking of Ted, the weird boss from that movie shows up, aka Amanda’s dad.

What kind of sick family squashes a large tomato in my daughters pants?”

OH SHIT A FUNNY JOKE.

Wait, how does he not know what a  period is? Anyway, both dads end up arguing. Amanda finally tells them all to shut up and calls them all idiots. She and her dad head home to take care of her problem.

Then Nathan’s dad farts. Okay. And…the skits ends after a short fake commercial. What the hell? That was…weird! There was no real joke and no point! Fuck this shit! I give it a D.

As it turns out, the Korean guys found that school friend. Who is Ozzie from Zeke and luther. This movie is filled with amazing career choices.

JJ, the friend reveals that Movie 43 was made up (I wish)., but it seems like it is real now. Baxter runs to do…something, while JJ fires up skit 8, called Happy Birthday, directed by Brett Ratner. Hey, I finally get his hatedom!

Johnny Noxvile here is roommates with Sean William scott, and cuz they had a falling out, Pete wants to make it up to him. He got him the best birthday present ever.

What is it? A Leprechaun played by Gerad Butler. Awesome? But the thing is, he is tied up against his will, so he tells Pete to fuck off. So no pot of gold for them today. Then they start hitting each other, and it’s just…ugh. I’m so tired at this point.

Brian tries to help the leprechaun by letting him go. Then he hits him in the balls, pissing him off. So a guy says he’s gonna let you go, and you hurt him, which gets rid of your chance at freedom? Logic!

They get a call from Gerad’s brother. They tell him to get them some gold, or they are gonna kill him. So where’s a joke? A leprechaun is swearing and violence is being threatened That’s not a joke.

Then a bit pot of gold shows up at their doorstep. But then the brother actually jumps out of the pot and starts attacking the boys. Pete shoots the main leprechaun, but there’s still the brother to deal with.

And he just shoots him. Then they throw the two short guys in the trash. Well, that was easy and not funny. Brian thanks Peter for all this, cuz he knows catching the leprechaun must have been hard. They kiss and make up.

And then Pete gives him his other gift…a hot fairy.

I suck cock for gold coins”

End skit. Well, that was slightly better than some others…but also incredibly unfunny and pointless. I give it a D.

Baxter announces he’s getting close to finding movie 43, which takes us into skit 9, called Truth or Dare. Donald is on a date with Hale berry here. Catwoman is looking pretty respectable right now.

Hale has been on so many blind dates in the past year, none of which had Neckballs. So she wants to do something different by having a real straight conversation…or play truth or dare. This leads into a couple …sexual questions, which are not funny. Am I sounding like a broken record?

She eventually dares Donald to pinch some dude’s ass. He does and he gets his ass kicked. Joke? Next, he dares her to blow out a blind kid’s birthday cake. What a dick.

Like an idiot, she does. This leads to a very un-funny truth or dare war. They basically prance around like jackasses doing semi sexual things, that a 12 year old must be laughing hard at right now.

By the end of the date, Hale has comically sized breasts, and Donald looks like an Asian man In spite of this, they still hit it off fine. They head back to Hale’s place, where they do it. She also reveals her giant fake breasts which should be awesome but…well let’s say there is such thing as too much of a good thing.

End skit. Eh, not THAT terrible, but it’s still pretty pointless and even a tad racist at the end. I give it a D-.

Anyway, Baxter and JJ finally come across Movie 43 and…well let’s describe it. It shows Baxter saying that JJ and Clavin making them look for Movie 43 triggered some protocol that launches a cold war initiative to control the mind of every American citizen.

So that in the event of a soviet attack every man, woman and child would be a fighting machine. But there are no soviets to fight, so everyone turned on each other and  the world is now in ruins.

Which is why I’m sending this message back in time”

The in movie version of Movie 43 is so much better than the one i’m actually watching. Future!JJ is all badass while calvin is all crippled and no one likes him and the mom is hot. Why can’t THIS be the whole movie?!

This wraparound is actually better than the rest of the movie! Granted, it started out bad, but that bit was so worth it. At least it had a cool story! But it all goes downhill cuz when the video ends, the other boys think Baxter pulled a prank somehow.

Then the Mom from Dog with a blog enters. Wow, this is a world when someone can star in something called Dog with a blog and still be in something less respectable. And well…while ruining Baxter’s computer with porn, Calvin was jerking off to a webcam chick.

And mom has the same shorts as that chick. Um, ew. This causes him to flip out but than the world ending starts to happen, and Baxter gets his laptop out to fix this. But cuz of that porn, it can’t be done and…boom.

2 years later, Calvin is crippled and the only survivor. How he survived, I had no idea. He finds baxter’s laptop…somehow. Which is now working…somehow. Which gives them an option to turn the world back to normal…somehow.

He goes through all “Are you sure” crap for a minute…only to faced with a message saying “Well, too bad Because it’s impossible. How about you just watch a movie?”

Behold, the funniest joke in the movie. It’s the build up to it that made me laugh. So you think the movie would end here, right? NOPE! He’s firing up skit 10, called Victory’s glory.

It takes place in 1959, with the coach of a basketball team, played by Terrance Howard. The team doesn’t think they are good enough, which prompts a speech.

You’re gonna win, that’s just plain and fucking simple”

Spoken like a true gentleman.

You’re black, they are white This is basketball”

In other breaking news, the sky is blue. The coach’s entire reasoning for their success is that they are black and the other team is white. The white team comes out and starts being racist.

So the whole joke is that the coach thinks race is really important and that everyone is racist. Funny? No. The white team leaves, and that one joke goes on.

Only it gets more vulgar, and he keeps just repeating YOU’RE BLACK over and over again. The team applauds his one joke.

They go out and kick ass, while coach keeps reminding them that they are black. But the white team cheers…cuz they got ONE point vs the 100 points the black team got. It’s funny cuz…uh…racism?

And…roll credits. Yes, the movie is over. With that pathetic excuse for a final sketch. Which was incredibly one note, and relied on a bad racist joke. I give it a D.

So movie over? Actually…no. Once the main credits are done…there’s another skit. Yes, there’s a skit so bad that they just pushed it to the credits.

Yeah, why didn’t they have this one right after Victory’s glory? No idea. It’s called Beezel, and it’s in the style of a sitcom, complete with a TV-MA rating.

Amy, played by Elizabath banks, just moved in with her boyfriend Anson, played by Josh Duamel. Only he lives with a badly animated cartoon cat called Beezel. Amy thinks Beezel is coming between them cuz he hates her.

I’m glad they put that last bit on, I’d claim this is ripping off Ted!

 One day, Amy witnesses Beezel masturbating to summer vacation photos of Anson in a swimsuit Oh joy. Amy is seen and Beezel attacks her. Then he pisses on her.

Again, no real joke, only it’s really gross now. And of course anson doesn’t think Beezel did it on propose, cuz it’s THAT kind of story. He doesn’t even buy that beezel is not normal. Well, Anson is a moron.

Amy rightfully threatens to leave, but Anson says he’ll find a new home for Beezel cuz he loves Amy. So that night they have sex as Beezel watches while sodomizing himself with a hairbrush.

Someone had to write that.

The next day, they can’t seem to find Beezel. Amy goes outside, where Beezel runs her over with a truck. Cuz she’s still alive, he takes out a shotgun and tries to take her down.

But then Amy takes out a shovel and thankfully beats him with it. Hey, look on the bright side…at least he’s not Eric Roberts. But…this all seen by a kid’s birthday party. Wah wah.

Anson shows up and before she can explain, the whole party…BRTUALLY MURDERS HER WHILE ANSON CUDDLES WITH BEEZEL AND THE CAT HAS A WET DREAM ABOUT HIM.

.WHAT THE-

One mental breakdown later

Haven’t had one of those in awhile. So uh., the movie is finally over. Instead of grading…that sketch, let’s just…finish this.

Final Thoughts:

So that…was a thing. A really really terrible thing. I mean…damn, I have no idea where to start. For one, this movie scores the impossible task at being as awful as I thought It would be…but not as painful.

I expected something overtly vulgar like 30 nights, but it wasn’t. But at the same time…it was so aggravatingly BORING. Most of the skits are incredibly one note, with no attempt at actual humor or wit.

Hugh jackman has balls on his neck. A chick is bleeding from her vag. Parents treat their kid like shit under the guise of homeschool. All these are one note “jokes” that they do nothing with. It becomes so boring that it PISSES me off.

I almost wanted to be lenient on this movie cuz of it’s boring factor, but they just pissed me off with how little they cared. Then came that last skit. What is so fucking funny about a woman getting murdered by some kids and adults while an evil cat gets away with being evil?

The skit was typically bad until that ending. It’s not even the worst skit, that honor goes to Homeschooled. There is nothing fucking funny about that child abuse shit, even if it had an actual joke behind it.

None of the actors save their skits, and it’s just bad. There is no good skit, but maybe the Batman one was the best in spite of batman of being annoying. The wraparound was actually the best part of the movie.

Granted, it’s pretty lame but once they reveal what Movie 43, it gets kind of interesting. If THAT was a movie, I’d watch it. At least it wasn’t as painful as the rest of the movie. And remember, this was the UK/DVD version.

I can only think of how bad the theatrical wraparound was. I understand the point of some parts, but there’s funny AND offensive…and then there’s just offensive. It’s gross, one note, and incredibly mean spirited.

I’ve liked crude films before, but this was too much. I guess for a large chunk of it, it’s not piss me off bad, but it’s still tedious.

Then shit like home school takes this movie from really bad to pretty much awful. While it’s not quite the worst movie ever, it is the worst movie of 2013 so far.

Want real sketch comedy? The Kentucky Fried movie. Saturday Night live. Robot Chicken. Hell, Incredible Crew is looking pretty good right now.

Grade: D+

(Yes, I know about in InAPPropriate Comedy. Don’t remind me)

See ya.

About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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