Hello, Spongey here.
It’s currently August…and there are tons of 2013 movies I want to review already .Movie 43, A good day to die hard, Grown ups 2,A haunted House, The host. And that’s a few!
What’s going ON this year?! It hasn’t been as awful as people are saying but 2012 didn’t gave us movies THAT bad! Of course now we’re just getting the “eh” movies so whatever.
It’s been a weak year so far, as only a few movies have been unanimously loved. Even Iron Man 3, which I loved, isn’t showing up on lists of the best movies so far. I’ve liked plenty of movies (Epic, The Croods, Gi Joe 2) which is more than most.
But back on track, there’s one animated film that I saw early on that I’ve been dying to tear apart. It was the first animated film of the year, and it looked like Crap. And it WAS. While it was able to make 70 mil on it’s 40 mil budget worldwide, it got some pretty weak reviews.
It was pretty much doomed from the start, as it got tons of lawsuits all over the place. No, no one sued the makers for breaking every law of cinema. It’s too complex for me to even recap. It comes to us from The Weinstein company, who always brings us such classics as HOODWINKED 2.
While this isn’t nearly as bad as that film, it’s still Bad. So let’s just…get to it.
This, is Escape From Planet Earth
This movie opens on the ice planet of name not spellable. We see Scorch, voiced by Brenden Frasier, running with some fellow alien babies in tow. Our hero ,Gary, voiced by Rob Coddrody (Yes, Ron Fox from the previously reviewed Harold and Kumar 2) stops so he can use his narration to take us back to how this started.
Gary works at mission control, while Scorch is the hero astronaut guy. Here to help is the ship’s computer-
“The names Bing. James Bing”
-voiced by Ricky Gervais. As if spy kids 4 wasn’t bad enough. Scorch rarely listens to Gary cuz he’s an asshole. Which is why his mission to save some babies is not going well. He heads inside the ship where the babies are.
Scorch being loud ends waking up the monsters on the planet, leading the opening shot. So what was the point of he “How we got here” thing if it only took 2 MINUTES to get back to it?
I suppose now is the time to say that animation itself is decent. It’s nicely done and it does look presentable, unlike Hoodwinked 2. But the designs are incredibly dull and nothing about is creative in how it looks. It’s animated WELL , but it doesn’t look very new at all. It’s as generic as the writing.
Scorch eventually escapes back to his home planet, Baab. Don’t get the name, but whatever. Anyway, Gary is with his annoying son Kipper, who is of the “YOU DON’T LET ME DO ANYTHING” kind.
But when your kid is voiced by that one kid from Bedtime stories, he is doomed to suck.
Thankfully, this is interrupted when ‘Scorch arrives, and we see he is hugely loved hero. But then BASA (Baab’s space thingy)’s chief Leena, voiced by Jessica Alba (more Spy kids 4 actors who never learned) tells Gary that scorch is going on a mission to “The dark planet”
“He leaves in an hour!”
Yay, let’s head right into the plot, woo-hoo!
Oh, and Scorch has Sofia Vergra’s Gabby as a girlfriend, who is a pointless character with even more pointless casting. Anyway, the dark planet is called that so no one comes back. But Scorch is going there cuz he’s an idiot.
He tries to tell Scorch that they know nothing about the planet that no one comes back from. But Scorch doesn’t care and even lies to Gary to get him off his back. Here’s our first issue: Scorch is an asshole.
At no point is he likable. He never changes, he only gets worse. I get that he’s meant to be a dick but this is way too much. The fact that the ENTIRE PLANET buys into his crap makes me want Baab to just explode.
Before Gary can find out about Scorch’s lie, he asks James here about the dark planet. Turns out they do know about the dark planet…it’s earth. After a DURR THEY THINK EARTH IS DUMB joke, we get this.
“They choose leaders based on the oddity of their facial hair”
Okay, that was kind of funny.’
After that, Gary looks through the security camera to see Kipper hanging with Scorch, cuz he finds Mission control boring. What a lovable scamp.
Gary comes out to bitches at Kipper and tells him to leave. Then he finds out about Scorch’s lie, but only right before he heads off. And no one will listen to Gary, cuz like Batman Returns, only the hero is semi intelligent.
“You’ve been trying to control me you’re whole life. Isn’t that why you join mission control?”
“I’m only looking out for you!”
See, Gary has the right idea. Granted, Gary is a dull character with no personality, but he’s the most likable. Which is sad. So Gary tells Scorch he is on his own. This should be a devastating moment, but i’m cheering as maybe Scorch will die on earth!
Gary comes home to his wife Kira, voiced by Sarah Jessica parker. If the two main female VA’s changed roles halfway through the movie, I wouldn’t notice. That’s how dull they are.
Kira wants the two get along and whatever, not aware of how much of an assmunch Scorch is. Scorch’s Earth adventure is broadcast on TV for all to see, including Kip, the little brat.’ Having arrived on earth, Scorch sees a light…which turns out to be a 7/11.
He sees one of those wacky inflatable tube…things, and mistakes it for an earth person. Hardy har har. He mistakes the blowing in the wind for waving and whatever.
Then a dart comes out of nowhere and hits his waving friend. In the film’s funniest moment, he acts as if he is really dying.
“Don’t you die on me!”
But it’s too late. Then three guys in suits show up, only to meet with Scorch’s wrath.
“All he wanted to do…was wave!”
Behold, the only really funny moment in the whole movie, as he says this in all seriousness while blasting the yellow suited man.
“Peter, Jackson is down!”
“Marty, Quieten, move it out!”
Hardy har har. I get it…but it’s not funny. Scorch tries to fight them all, but a guy shows up and hits him a tranquilizer dart.
“Welcome to earth”
Will smith, he aint’.
So BAAB assumes Scorch is dead. They then break out the champagne. Wait, that’s just me. Kip is sad cuz Gary said he hoped Scorch would get stranded. Oh, maybe If Gary says he hopes the movies will end, I can leave!
Gary tries calling BASA but again, they ignore him. Kip wants to go rescue him while Gary is trying to be smart. But cuz smart and this movie don’t mix, Kip bitches at him. Kip is banished to his room for that.
In a vain attempt to be sweet, Gary goes up to Kip’s room to apologize for all this. Gary promises he’ll do whatever it takes to get scorch home…but then it turns out Kip ran away to save Scorch.
What a likable little scamp. He runs away to do something stupid right before he dad can apologize. Then Gary and his wife get on some rocket boots and blast off to BASA. Then they continue a running gag where this janitor guy fallls.
Speaking of running gags, when someone from BAAB falls, there’s a fart sound. That’s how low this movie’s humor has gotten. They have to insert a fart sound when people fall. LAME.
They get to BASA just before Kip can blast off to unknown space. But then Gary decides that Scorch is his brother, and he must save him by himself. Whatever, it’s your funereal.
One long travel scene later, Gary lands near Area 51, where Scorch has been taken. Scorch wakes up there being inspected by some agent guys. They take off Scorch’s space…suit…thingy, and find the blubonuin that powers it.
It’s here we meet our villain, General Shanker….voiced by William Shatner. Yes, really. I know he isn’t up to much these days, but how big was that check!? And no, he doesn’t save this movie. His performance is as dull as the others…but at least he tries.
Back with Gary, he ends up at the 7/11 where he sees two humans inside, voiced by Steve Zahn and Chris Parnell. Yay, more wasted actors who get nothing to do! The humans saw that little Alien attack a few minutes ago and get scared when Gary walks in.
Instead of trying to kill him, they simply want to make a peace offering. And of course they give him a Slurpee. Geez, I sure want to go my local 7/11 and get a Slurpee!
Gary takes it but the Area 51 guys show up before the humans can actually be important. They capture Gary and take him to Area 51. First off, they show Gary a…video about earth.
It’s a welcome video for the aliens, which isn’t the least bit funny. After finding out he’s smart, they take him to General Shatner. He says Gary will work on a project with him and if he helps him out, Gary can leave.
But when Shatner gets a phone call, he boots Gary out for awhile. As it turns out, the call is with…Lena the BASA chick! If I gave a single fuck, I would be shocked right now!
Not much is said here, but from what I can gather, Lena somehow teamed up with an Earth guy to get some that blue stuff so they can take over the world. No ,i won’t say it.
Gary is thrown in his cell, where he bumps into George Lopez-i mean a weird slug thingy. One cell over a mouse thingy voiced by Craig Robinson. Another cell holds a red thingy voiced by Jane Lynch. So much wasted talent!
Gary meets the personality deprived group and they hit it off. Seriously, only Craig here has even a hint of a personalty…and it boils down to “sassy and black but he’s not black he’s grey”.
Craig explains the deal: Shatner gets the smartest aliens to build the stuff we use. George invented touch screen stuff, Jane invented Google, and Craig made social networking. They all invented other crazy stuff…like computer animation.
That remarked is punctuated by a pic of Craig hanging with John Lasseter. As if the idea that he is by extension responsible for this movie wasn’t bad enough, that put in a joke about John here? I don’t even get it. Is it a tribute or a slam?
Also, aliens invented technology joke? That’s so…old I can’t even remember the year.
Then the aliens have to break for lunch. It’s here where Gary finally reunites with Scorch. He tells him he’s here to rescue him, and of course Scorch has to be an asshole about it.
“I go 15 light years out of my comfort zone and this is the thanks I get from my own brother?!”
Exactly! Seriously, if Gary had a personality, I would sympathize with him. But if Scorch was slightly better written, I wouldn’t sympathize with him cuz he’d seem even MORE boring.
Back at BASA, The Wife and Kip find out while hiding that Lena is evil and stuff. But then they get seen and captured by her before anything can happen. You know, this review is getting boring cuz this movie is really just kind of dull.
I remember really not liking it when I first saw it, but it’s not quite as “Fun” to review play by play as some other shitty movies. The movie still sucks, it’s not as fun to mock.
Lena doesn’t care about Kip, so they let him go. Yeah, the son of a BASA guy won’t, you know, call anyone or anything. Back at Area 51, Gary and the others head to lunch in the Cafeteria.
Gary sits down with Scorch who again is an asshole. This movie is starting to sound like a broken record. Gary tries to be reasonable, and Scorch has to make an argument out of it. Seriously, even when they both get captured due to Scorch’s stupidity, he has to be a dick about it.
This leads to cliché foodfight scene #456. Then during the foodfight scene, it gets all black and white with all timing music, and it cuts to the camera room as a worker guy was working the piano while watching the black and white camera footage.
“Do you have to do that now?”
Okay, that was kind of funny./
Gary and Scorch try to escape during the chaos but end up getting caught by General Shatner. The gang is taken to a room with a big ass laser thing that the aliens have been working on for 10 years. All they need is the power source, and they can all go home.
Turns out, the power source is that Blubonium thing scorch had. He uses the power source to finish the laser off, and also he blows up Haley’s comet. Eh, it won’t be missed. Looks like the aliens are going home. Movie over, bye!
Gary then reminds Scorch that there’s enough power to blow up a planet. Usually Scorch would be like “But he said he’ll let us, so bye” but for once, he believes Gary. And…he promptly tries to take the power source.
Even when he listens for once, he’s still a dumbass. The reactor thingy is broken in the scuffle, and the brothers are captured. Scorch tells Shatner he’ll never help him, so Shatner throws him in a tube, and the tube starts to get filled with purple water stuff.
As soon as it’s full, Scorch is frozen. No, i’m not gonna do THAT gag either. By the way, Scorch made some very dumb jokes while he was waiting for the water to fill the tube, and it goes on too long. Yay, now I don’t care about him even less…if that makes sense.
Gary is unhappy cuz Scorch was no nice to him before. Shatner tells him he has to fix that reactor, or everyone is getting frozen. Naturally, the other aliens are pissed at Gary’s little stunt.
But that is fixed away, as Gary reminds them that if Gary does this, Shatner will still have a powerful weapon. But the others guy trust him cuz there’s no other choice. They tell Gary he can just do nothing, I mean think of a way out, while they try to fix it.
They turn their back on him cuz trying to think things through is forbidden. I know I would just trust Shatner but I’m stupid. Gary is trying to think like a normal person and everyone has to be an asshole about it! I almost forget Gary is boring at times like this.
…And right away Gary comes out to help fix it. Way to stick to your guns, dude. Long story short, he fixes the reactor thingy. Gary heads to Shatner’s office and tells him the good news.
Then Shatner reveals that he is indeed evil and it’s BACKSTORY TIME! When he was 6, he was with his dad a UFO crashed into him. Wow, that’s …dark. This is the only part of the story that’s kind of neat.
They could have fixed things up a bit and maybe make Shatner sympathetic in spite of his evil. Like Lotso in Toy Story 3, he could have a comeuppance and be evil but still seem empathetic. But after that really brief and awkward backstory, this is pretty much forgotten,. Yay!
Shatner then reveals the whole Lena and alsao they are dating. Ew. Also, a quite dating suite joke reveals his full name: William. T. Shanker. Hardy har har.
Also Lena doesn’t know that Shatner is using her and he’s gonna kill them all. He will blow up Baab and all the other planets, cuz they are full of aliens.
Heh, Ron fox is on the receiving end of the racism thing now.
Gary is then thrown in a water freezing tube next to Scorch. It’s here where we have another moment that could have worked. Gary apologizes to Scorch for everything just as the water fills the tube.
“I failed you I failed my family. I tried brother…I’m Sorry”
He says this as the tube fills up and Gary freezes. This could been a very nice moment, and it almost is…but the hell is he apologizing for? Scorch is the one who got them in this mess! Gary did nothing wrong until he decided to fix the reactor!
Even an almost decent moment is ruined. Thanks, Movie.
Anyway, Wife and Kip got captured and two guards whistle and wonder how Gary got her. Yeah, this is your basic case of informed attractive-ness.
Because no one bothered to tie him up, Kip is able to help them escape with his powers of annoyance. Back at 51, Shatner reveals his “kill all aliens” plan to everyone as he fires up the laser. First Target: Baab.
But, in a sort of cool moment, it turns out Gary never actually helped General Shatner. He actually tamped with the laser so it would blow up. So now, Gary didn’t actually do anything bad, so …he still had nothing to apologize for.
So in the big chaos, Gary and Scorch end up free. I suppose Scorch is now just…not that much of a dick cuz he doesn’t even go “oh look loser” he’s all “okay let’s go”. After getting attacked by a video game monster, they reunite with the other aliens.
One long action scene later, they escape Area 51 and get out in the sun. Shatner calls Lena and chews are out, saying if she doesn’t finish the job, they are through. Lena cries a bit after that, and you’d think they would just have her turn good. It would be cliché, but it give her character a reason to exist.
But nope. At first it seems liked that as Kira shows up to console her, but instead she just tries to kill her. I could be happy they didn’t go the cliché route, but it makes Lena a really dull and pointless villain character.
Lena kicks her ass and whatever.
“You think cuz a chick has kids she can’t dish it out?”
Ugh, Kira and Kip’s sublot may be even worse than the main plot, if that’s even possible.
They end up a trailer park, where Scorch parked his ship. Oh, and they run into Steve Zahn and Chris again. And they do nothing but make lame jokes as the gang finds Scorch’s ship and blasts off. Yay for wasted actors!
There’s 10 minutes left guys…let’s finish this 80 minute rushed thing!
Also Scorch applauds Gary for a bit. Nope, still a dick. Anyway, Shatner’s men show up in their jets and start attacking the gang.
While the animation is decent overall, I think the canyon landscape in this flying scene is pretty shoddy looking. But i’ll cover it more in the final thoughts.
Also, Kip ends up getting control of the ship from BASA through contrived reasons. Where did Lena go to? Well anyway, Kip is annoying, same as always. They seem in the clear until Shatner shows up in Scorch’s weird space suit thingy, capturing them in a tractor beam.
Being a hero, Gary decides to jump off to hit Shatner off of their tail. Scorch then follows as they both fight Shatner.
Wait, stop the movie. So, two guys are falling from a great height, while a villain is fighting them, cuz he hates them due to their race. And one of the people is played by Rob Coddory.
…Am I the only one reminded of Harold and kumar 2? It’s really spooky, especially the Rob thing.
Anyway, they take out Shatner’s suit batteries and falls to his death. Dark, yet disappointing. Not much of a sendoff for a villain with an close to sympathetic backstory.
Anyway, Sorch and Gary are also gonna fal to their deaths. Yay!
“We were a good team”
Sure, when scorch actually…acted normal.
SCORCH: I always looked up to you?
“Great wife. Great kid. I always thought I could do that one day”
“You would have been a great dad”
“I’m sorry for firing you”
You have to to be kidding me. Scorch treats Gary like shit for the last 76 minutes, never listening to him and ALWAYS being a dick, yet NOW he says he looks up to him. He never showed in any sign of liking him at all before.
What. A. LOAD.
I feel silly for praising living dimmy 2 since this is now a cliché. But come ON! The whole “he looks up to him” thing is so rushed and tacked on that it just makes things worse. I’m reviewing a movie soon that you could argue did it as bad as this, but I think this is so much more rushed.
What’s that movie? You’ll find out soon.
Sadly, they are saved by a tractor beam from 3 cliché looking aliens. They were working for Shatner before, and we saw that they were the aliens in the flashback, who crashed into Daddy by accident.
They say they felt bad for killing Shatner’s dad at first, but regretted it when they saw how crazy he was. So much for an almost sympathetic backstory. They saved him too and…well…
“What are you gonna do with him?”
“Can’t say. It’ll give you nightmares”
Sigh. Again, Shatner could have made for a non-cliche villain if they actually used that flashback well. But cuz it was rushed AND cuz of this scene, he becomes yet another generic villain that even Shatner couldn’t save.
He wakes up to be a dick, but Gary..
“I thought I told you…we come in peace!”
He punches Shatner. Okay, that was cool.
So they get back in their ship and head home. Also they bump into Kira flying a ship on the way there. Don’t know how that happened but okay., So the two arrives as heroes.
Gary reunites with Kip and Kira and it’s all good. Kip says he’s more of a mission control guy now. Gag me with a spoon.
Scorch tells everyone how amazing Gary is and I guess he’s not a dick now. Cut to 72 hours later, as Scorch is getting married to that one chick. Glad that pointless tidbit had a payoff!
It’s just a way to have that cliché dance party ending at the wedding. Also, Jane Lynch cries cuz of the last time she was at a wedding. Predictable reference/joke for the win!
Everyone cheers them as they kiss. Hell, even the wacky tube guy is back from the dead. Whoa, a running gag that’s…still funny?!
“You don’t need to travel millions of lightyears and defeat a deadly intergalactic enemy to find out that the greatest story of all is right here on your home planet. With your brother, and your own family.”
Tacked on moral, for the lose. And with that rushed (Is it me or have I been saying that a lot lately) ending, the movie finally ends.
Because of all the lawsuits, this film’s script to had be written about like 8 times. Rewrites usually improve a movie. If that’s true…I can only imagine how bad the original script must have been.
I have to admit, it’s not as a awful as when I first saw it, but that’s only cuz it didn’t have much that much stuff for a normal review. It mostly ended up being dull a 2nd time.
But either way, it’s still pretty bad. The story is made up of really old cliches and iit ends up being very generic. The only bit that proves interesting is the villain’s backstory, and they scratch that right away.
Any cliché that could have turned out well is either rushed or done badly. The characters are even worse, ranging from dull, annoying, or BOTH. Gary is a dull lead who almost becomes sympathetic cuz the whole planet is a douche to him.
The villain is lame, and the other aliens have no personality, and are just plain not funny. And of course, Scorch is just an asshole hwo never learns. Even when he changes, it’s incredibly rushed.
The whole thing looks generic too. It just feels like one of those Dreamworks style films that spawned in the wake of shrek. Recent animated films are trying to be be really different and new, but this generic thing comes and ruins all that.
The dialogue is full of cliches, and even worse, lames jokes and pop culture references. A couple jokes work, which puts it above Hoodwinked 2 at least. The animation is decent enough, with the more action-y scenes being a bit of fun for a few minutes.
However, the designs are very cliché, with the humans looking pretty off. Even the backgrounds look poorly rendered at times. It does look…presentable, but it’s not good enough to save it.
Though like I said, I didn’t hate it that much on the 2nd viewing. I guess doing the review just proved that it’s really just dull on the inside, and only awful on the inside. Still, it’s fairly annoying and it was a pretty weak way to start the 2013 animated slate. Having not seen Monsters University, Despicable me 2, or Turbo, I can still say 2013 animation is looking good after this.
Hell, Even the damn My Little pony movie is looking pretty manly right now.
As bad as this movie, I liked getting back to my topical stuff after that Disney crap. Thankfully, this was mostly dull. At least it wasn’t the citzen kane of awful.
So, what’s next?
Every time I say that, it’s crap like this. When will I learn?!