DCOM Month: Let it Shine

...Insert witty tagline here.

…Insert witty tagline here.

Hello, Spongey here.

Back to crap! Now, back in 2012 I thought DCOM’s were getting better. We had 16 aWish nd Lemonade Mouth, after all. Sure, we also had Frenemies but other than that, things were looking good. Disney was finally doing something different with their Tv movies.

Then this came out, and it was back to basic crap. Granted, the following one, Girl vs Monster was good, but It still hurt to see this follow the likes of Radio Rebel. It wasn’t trying to push a star in the way Camp rock did, but uh…that one black chick from good luck charlie, the guy from that one thing, and the black guy from Sonny from a chance are all in it. That counts!

But, is it a guilty pleasure like most bad DCOM’s? …Yes, but it’s still  weak.. Wanna see why? From the director of the previously reviewed Luck of the irish comes  the film of the century…if you’re 12.

This, is Let it Shine

The movie opens at a church, with a choir. But of course our hero, Cyrus, hijacks it and turns into some gospel rap. The song itself is alright. Catchy at least.

But Cyrus dad happens to be a pastor, which means he finds this to be MOST UNORTHDOX as he talks to him about it at home.

Any rap is inappropriate!”

Oh yay, it’s THAT plot. ..Might as well bring this back.

Cliche count: 1

Oh, and the son is going against him like a rebel.

Cliche count: 2

So yeah, Dad is a church nut who thinks Rap is evil cuz god said so. Yes, bring up religion in a DCOM, that will work out. And of course he will have no personality outside of that, or any reasoning besides GODSAIDSO.

That night, Cyrus sneaks out to go to a club. He meets up with his friend Kris. Kris is the super cool one, while Cyrus is shy and invisible.

Cliche count: 3

Cyrus is also a lowly bus boy at the club who wants MOAR.

Cliche count: 4

 

So Kris goes up on stage along with our villain, Lord of Da Bling, played by the black guy from Sonny with a chance. A Rap battle ensues. The rap battles in this movie are better than the actual songs.

Did I mention Mr Bling is pretty much the male version of Sharpay? As in, the most enjoyable hammy villain since…someone? The rap battle is inter cut with some song, which has a bit by Cyrus even though none of the other songs are “sing out of nowhere” style like HSM is.

After the song, Cyrus accidentally bumps into Lord of Da bling and spills soda on him.

Lucky you didn’t do that while I was spilling my hot rhymes”

You’re not that hot”

You did not just call me out. I was getting rich my off words, now i’m getting challenged by revenge of the nerds”

See?

Is that the best you can do? Revenge of the nerds?”

Okay, that was cool too.

It seems as if Urkel over here think he’s a pretty clever rapper”

Bling calls him out, but he course Shy Cyrus backs out. Kris says that Cyrus has dope rhymes, but Cyrus is just really shy. Also,t he two guys hang out so much they may as well be brothers. We never see Kris’s parents.

They head to Cyrus’ place and watch some urban music show. They are interviewing an up and coming star, Roxie. The boys knew her in 3rd grade, cuz of course.

Her music label is sponsoring a contest where you send in a song that you wrote and the winner gets to meet Roxie. Both Cyrus and Kris are gonna enter, on their own.

And so, we get a montage of Cyrus doing stuff for his song, while the finished song plays. It’s called “Don’t Run Away” and it’s catchy, but of course overall lame. It’s kind of wea-

You’re more than meets the eye

Girl you pterodactyl fly

Que?

Girl you pterodactyl fly

..

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!

This line was brought to my attention before this movie even came out, and now that i’ve seen the movie once and heard this song 10000 times…IT STILL MAKES NO SENSE!

First of all, pterodactyl is not a verb, it’s a noun. So how can you describe someone as “ pterodactyl fly”?

I get the fly part, it’s slang for Cool. He’s saying  she’s cool. That’s fine, but why the pterodactyl part? I don’t get it. Cuz pterodactyl’s are birds and they fly?

Well okay, forgiving the fact that you have to use a bird to hammer in the fly part…(And that the usage of “fly” is more prehistoric than a pterodactyl).. WHY USE PTERODACTLY?!

Why not a eagle, or a falcon or a hawk ?I don’t know ANYTHING BUT A FUCKING PTERDOCACTLY!

Of all the birds you could have compared her to you chose the EXTINCT ONE?! If anybody compared me to an extinct bird, I’d slap him in the face.

So yeah, this line makes no sense at all. How did a sane person write that and okay it ? I have no idea. Why am I getting pissed over a small line? Cuz it’s just…so weird!

But okay who cares, back to the movie. After that, Cyrus heads to church where Dad is ranting about today’s youth.

I’m tired of rap, and those clubs keeping our kids so late on Saturday night”

So rap is the root of all teen problems. LOGIC.

He’s just your typical god nut, who somehow snuck into a Disney movie. But he has passion, i’ll give him that.

Disney talking to us about Rap or religion is like Captain planet talking about AIDS. Just…no. So we cut to Roxie, where we see that Shego from Kim Possible is her agent. We also find out that Roxie is not a critic favorite.

A magazine calls her a singer who can’t sing. Yeah, the movie from the company that brought us Miley Cyrus Is gonna bash people who say that.

So Roxie has picked a contest winner…Cyrus. Yes, the ever so complex song with the amazing soul bearing lyric that is Girl you pterodactyl fly.

But wait, Cyrus sent in a pic of him and Kris, and kris is taller than him in the pic so…they think Kris is “Truth”.

So Cryus didn’t put his name is even though legally, that can’t work. He didn’t specify who he was in the pic, nor did he cut Kris out. And Roxie/the record label doesn’t do a background or back or makes sure it’s really him. Hell, Cyrus gave “off the street as his address”. Again, legally, he would be disqualified.

This is the premise guys, and it’s incredibly contrived and has a ton of plot holes. Yay. So that urban show from earlier finds Kris AKA truth at the club. He and cyrus get to meet roxie.

I think you wrote It about me”

So Cyrus thinks some random hot singer he doesn’t know is pterodactyl fly? I’M NOT LETTING THAT GO.

Then out of nowhere, the crowd asks Roxie to sing. She says she wasn’t expecting this, but she has backup dancers at the ready, so I call bullshit. Like the other songs, this one is catchy but forgettable.

After that, she announces Truth as the winner, and Kris now knows she got it wrong. Before the record can be set straight, Lord of Da bling tells him he shall not pass. He even starts slamming Roxie. I wish I could remember all this so I could quote it in all it’s glory.

So now I guess they have to tell Roxie the tru-

I just wanna see where things go between me and her.”

She likes you cuz she thinks you are truth…so why don’t we keep letting her think that?”

Really?! You have this misguided crash, so you’re just gonna lie for no reason?! Kris is usually a playa but he thinks Roxie sees something in him cuz of his oh so clever lyrics. But if you really think some chick you barley know is into you, these lies won’t help you.

I’m just saying, this makes him look like a dick. And again, the very premise is flawed!

So anyway, Cyrus will be his DJ say to speak, while Kris is in the spotlight. So the next day they show up at the studio to record the song. They show up early and Cyrus hides so that Roxie thinks Kris is doing the song.

Let me hear you freestyle. Make it intelligent like you do”

Ah yes, nothing more intelligent than comparing a girl to an extinct bird.

So while using mic stuff, they do the whole “guy repeats something the smarter guy wants them to say” only it goes well for him . It’s mushy and lame, next!

Roxie leaves to take a phone call, so Cyrus comes out and they talk. But when Roxie comes back, Kris jumps down leaving Cyrus out, but he’s in a position where Roxie can only see his shadow-y self. Cuz she can’t tell two different voices apart, she thinks it’s Kris.

Taking advantage of this, he busts out another lame song. The next day, at the studio, they decide to do a Kris/Roxie duet, composed by Cyrus.

It’ll be just like the Beatles”

Please don’t drag their names through the mud. Anyway, SheGo the manager sets up for Roxie to be the headline act at the Big Rap grand slam at the club.

Speaking of the club, Cyrus heads there and meets with this one other dude who works there, that knows Cyrus is truth, but won’t tell anyone cuz whatever. He’s all “you can’t be truth” when you live a lie and yada yada. I get it, but the lie was under such contrived circumstances, it doesn’t work!

The dude leaves and Cyrus sings a bit by himself. And whoa, he can magically change his voice and make it sound over-produced! Awesome!

Again, the song is passable, but over kind of weak. Look, I’m not the rap ciritc, okay? But of course Roxie happens to be walking by and she hears all this. He says he was lip syncing to one of Kris’ tracks.

Being an idiot, she buys it. Also, Kris stood her up on their date, which shows how likeable he is. So, she and Cyrus decide to hang out. They discuss the whole “singer who can’t sing” thing. I agree with the critics, singers who use autotune or whatever are just lame, especially if they actually CAN sing very well.

She uses the whole vocal chorder thingy cuz it’s the “In” thing as Shego put it. I suppose they are bashing labels who make their artist do this, but it sure doesn’t come out very clearly.

Cyrus says she can sing well without any tuning. Anyway, they go on, a date, I guess and they talk. We find out Cyrus likes all kinds of music, even opera. Cuz we want him to be sue-ish without being cool.

Him preaching about deep music attracts Roxie, who noticed she has more in common with Cyrus than Kris. But then, cuz they are outside, they witness another awesome rap battle with some black guy…and a white guy. This cannot end well.

After Revelation, the black guy kicks Vanilla Ice’s ass, Lord of da bling shows up and mocks Cyrus. He continues to be incredibly entertaining, and Cyrus slinks away and Roxie follows.

The next morning at church, Roxie shows up to sing some church gospel stuff. It’s okay but let’s skip to what happens after..

Dad congratulates the choir. But then he starts preaching…about the church kids who “lose their way” and assume one day of praying fixes years of Sin.

You can’t dance like a vixen, and ask god to do the fixin’”

Oh my..

God knows who does their living in hypocrisy…or should I say Hip-Hop-crisy?”

Okay, that doesn’t beat Girl you pterodactyl fly but it’s pretty damn close. HIP-HOP-CRISY!

And yes,he is referencing  Roxie. So he allows a women to sing in chuch and then accuses her of sinning in front of everyone.

…Adam Sandler, take it from here.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE!”

I mean, jesus! God would frown upon that, you know! At home, Mom sides with me. How pissed is she?

Dad, you slept on the sofa”

Oh, banned to the sofa! See what happesn when you are in an asshole? So mom hears Roxie is filming a video today, so Dad must go over to apologize.

Said video is being done with Cyrus, so heads there.

It’s his opinion and he’s entitled to it”

But his opinion is wrong and unfair”

…That’s now how opinions work. Also, there’s opinion and there’s BEING AN ASSHOLE.

Anyway, Kris and Cyrus chat.

“When this video comes out, I’m gonna be touring with all kinds of honies! So I’m not trying to be tied down”

‘I thought you were serious about Roxie”

I am..for now”

So…you created a pointless lie cuz you liked her…only to ditch her for some whores? Again..

WHAT AN ASSHOLE!”

Cyrus doesn’t call him out, but here cares cuz it’s time for Kris to film the video. So we get to hear Don’t run Away again…which means we get to hear..

Girl you pterodactyl fly

IT STILL MAKES NO SENSE!

After the song, Roxie says she isn’t sure about herself, and thinks she not be the girl for Kris.

‘He deserves a girl who is real”

Oh the irony…

And who could show up but Dad, who finds out that Cyrus works at a rap club. He apologizes to Roxie, but is pissed at Cyrus. The mere act of working at a club is sinful.

At home, Dad finds out that mom already know about this. Dad walks inside before we can even build on that. Cyrus finally arrives that night to get scolded.

Dad refuses to listen to Cyrus like any movie parent. You know, there’s another problem with this movie: It think it’s deeper than it is. I want to applaud it for talking more serious subjects like religion, and the public perception of Rap music. But at the same time, it boils it down to the basic cliché of the MAN being down on the kids.

So really, there’s no reason to even pretend it’s different when it’s the same. If they really tackle these issues, it would be great, but it just boils down to some aggravating cliches. Plus, the Dad is just an asshole.

Mom bitches at Dad again, rightfully so.

He wants to share a part of himself with you. Does it matter what genre of music it’s in?”

I have to admire the moral here, as I agree 100 percent but again, it just feels like a dumb cliché.

We get a “becoming famous” montage while Cyrus sulks about the lies and shit. Once it ends, Dad walks in Cyrus’ room, who switches out his song notebook with a bible.

I’m just reading the old testament. It’s dope”

Please don’t use dope and old testament in the same sentence.”

Best line in the entire movie.

So Roxie has shown up to see him. They go for a walk and Roxie says things with Kris haven’t been going well.

It’s like we don’t really connect on a deep level”

Neither do you and Cyrus, but that’s the power of forced romance.


“You can’t really force a connection like that”

You can if you are a screenwriter.

So she has him listen to a song using her normal voice, and Cyrus suggests she put it out there to show she is the real deal. Then she gets pulled away for something else and leaves. Cyrus heads back to the club and bumps into Kris hitting on some ladies.

You don’t have an original idea in your body, do you?”

At least he has something in common with the writers.

He slams Kris for playing with Roxie’s emotions and stuff. Kris acts like an asshole about it and reminds him that they have the rap grand slam coming up. Cyrus responds by bashing Kris.

You couldn’t rap a present if I spotted you a bow and scotch tape!”

Oh shit we got a badass over here!

You ain’t nothing but a hater”

SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

You’re one of the greatest rappers i’ve heard in my life. In my life!”

OH MY GOD YOU’RE THE GREATEST RAPPER I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!

They get into a fight that is broken up. Cyrus tells Kris he’s on his own. This would be interesting if Kris didn’t completely deserve it. So Cyrus goes home and tells mom the truth…that he is the truth.

She doesn’t really react but the next day, Dad talks to Cyrus. He says he has been reading Cyrus’ lyrics…and liked them?

I’ve been focusing on the type of music, rather than it’s message. Your songs have messages of caring, sacrifice, devotion. Good Christian values”

I’m pretty sure extinct birds go against Christianity somehow.

So Dad’s asshole-ness was fixed just like that. And after this, that part will be dropped and never enter the plot again. Which of course makes that subplot entirely pointless.

Really, I admire the message here, but it ends so cliche-ly (Fuck you, it’s a word) that it’s pretty lame. Dad came across like too much of an asshole and this one thing can’t fix that. And like I said before, it’s nice they are bringing up these issues, but any complexity is boiled down to the usual Cliches.

Whatever, it’s time for the rap grand slam. Shego here is making Roxie look like Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj’s secret lovechild. Roxie tells her she can’t hide behind these dumb gimmicks anymore.

I have my voice, I have my own style. If that’s not good enough, I don’t wanna be a star”

Okay, so this is is interesting. They are talking about artists like the ones I compared her to that try to be flashy and gimmick-y instead of being real, as well as any company that tries to push this kind of crap.

It’s a sentiment I very much agree with…but it comes out of nowhere. It was only kinda there before, and it never ties into the main plot going on. It’s just pointless AND it gets resolved really quickly as Marlene here just lets her be real from now on.

Once again, an interesting idea that could have been complex for a disney movie boils down to both a cliché and just plain bad writing.

Cyrus shows up to help Kris, even after what happened. Cyrus say it’s cuz they are friends, but whatever. Kris apologizes for everything, and says he has been jealous that he’s not The Truth. That doesn’t make up for the shit he did with Roxie, but okay.

So now they have to reveal the truth and set everything right. The grand slam starts, and Roxie starts out. When The Truth is introduced, Cyrus comes out. And it so happens that he can improvise  a rap on the spot that goes with Roxie’s song.

This is the most..unique way to reveal the lie: in SONG! This is the best song since “Don’t Run away” as it fits into the plot well and it’s actually memorable. They have the typical conversation, only in song.

But of course they have to do the typical thing and have Roxie storm off like a bitch.

Cliche count: 5

Of course she forgets that it was Kris who started this whole thing and acted like an asshole, and while Cyrus did lie, he was a good guy this whole time. And if she heard him out, this could all be over.

Plus, it’s HER fault for being an idiot and thinking the tallest guy in the pic was truth in the first place!

Cyrus apologizes for lying, but instead of being smart, she tells them to fuck off. Anyway, back at the grand slam we get Revelation and LORD OF DA BLING. The latter won, but Cyrus comes out to present the trophy.

Bling acts hilarious about it. He bashes cyrus, who  then gets into an awesome rap battle with him. Quoting it would be pointless, but I will say it’s awesome and Cyrus is a badass.

I Might be a busboy, but you just got served”

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Bling was a pointless villain, but that was cool. Truth becomes the real slam winner, but wait, the roxie thing! Kris bumps into her and explains exactly what I was saying earlier, only without saying anyone is dumb. Roxie gets it, but she has a flight to catch, so bye.

Kris and Cyrus bump into Dad, who is glad things are normal, except for the Roxie thing. And yep, she drives up to them and apologizes. Actually, they just hug, but I guess that’s enough.

So what better way to wrap things up than with a DANCE PARTY ENDING IN CHURCH?! Cyrus and Roxie sing the titular song. It’s at least catchy but of course, lame. A perfect note to end, cuz the credits role when the song ends.

I’m used to badly rushed endings at this point. \

Final Thoughts:

This is, you guessed it, lame. It’s not really that painful,  but the plot is incredibly cliché and filled with pointless subplots that could have been complex,but lead to nothing.

The message is admirable, but very cliché in the long run. The romance is poorly done, the characters are idiots, assholes, or just plain boring, and the songs are mostly forgettable. Well, except for..

Girl you pterodactyl fly

That never gets old!

The entire premise is deeply flawed, as it requires people to be idiots, or assholes. It thinks it is being deep with the church thing but it just boils down to lame cliches. It’s amazing how lame this movie gets with such potential.

But of course, it falls into the guilty pleasure category. It’s just so much fun with all the cliches they put in, along with LORD OF DA BLIND. While at times my patience is tested by the cliches, the movie itself is a Guilty pleasure.

I  turned down that aspect for this review, but only cuz I wanted to emphasis the problems for critical and entertainment proposes. For the most part, I had fun riffing on this movie. It feels weird to say I enjoyed it more than Camp Rock…but I did.

But really, the only contribution to cinema this thing made is…well you know by now.

Grade: C

…Okay fine.

Girl you pterodactyl fly

IT STILL MAKES NO SENSE!

See ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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