Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back

I'd rather fling my own poo

I’d rather fling my own poo

Hello, Spongey here.

A bit ago, I did a general review of a movie called Space Chimps. It was about a bunch of chimps that have to go to an alien planet and stop some bad guy.

It was pretty lame, but not awful. It did decently at the box office, and got bad reviews. So of course, they made a sequel!

Granted ,it’s direct to video but…WHY?! WHY MAKE A SEQUEL TO SPACE CHIMPS?! No one saw that! No one remembers it! No one liked i-

*Roger Ebert did*

…Awkward.

Well anyway, they didn’t even get the director back, just one of the writers and the producer. Maybe cuz that director was busy doing The Croods. Yes, the director of Space Chimps teamed up with Chris sanders to do the Croods. …Maybe he just likes  primitive man…cuz he is one.

Anyway, I’ve heard this one is bad. As in, on TV tropes so bad it’s horrible page bad. Media hunter calling it one of the worst animated movies ever bad. Let’s…just do this.

This, is Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back

The movie opens with a recap of the first movie. It’s narrated by the one character I failed to mention in my first review, Comet. He was this one tech chimp who helped out at mission control. He did nothing, but now he’s the main character.

Also, he’s voiced by Zack Shada. Yep, the original Finn the human. He’s in his ship talking to Kilowatt, now voiced by Laura Bailey, on the video phone. Wait, that alien planet had no tech on it, they established that. So how is she talking to him?

space chimps

Also, Comet never even met Kilowatt. Hell, we never saw anyone tell Comet about her, but now they are best friends? God, 5 minutes in and continuity is fucked up! He hangs up, and so we cut to a lawn where we find out the frozen Zartog (don’t ask) is now a lawn ornament.

He sees a dog and tries to talk to it. We get some replaced voice actors,. For example, Zartog is now voiced by John Dimaggio. Yes, Finn and Jake are in the same movie. Also, the animation is just…awful. Take a look.

space chimps 2

It makes the first movie look like Pixar!

Having mastered the Inspector Gadget 2 art of editing, they cut to Ttitan, once again voiced by Patrick Warburton. Hoodwinked 2, now this.. We see Comet helping out around the place, but no one is noticing him.

Cliche count: 1

Both Houston and Luna have retained their voice actors, which is nice. So then enters Ham, who has been replaced…by Tom Kenny. Transformers 2, now this?!

Ham has been turned back into an asshole cuz fuck character development.

I thought you’d like to see the result of yesterday’s photo shoot”

Brokeback monkey?”

You know-for kids!

WAIT…we have Finn, Jake…and the ice king? Is this an early adventure time Reunion or something?! Also, since Ham is now just an egotistic asshole who won’t listen..

Cliche count: 2

I guess it’s cuz the fame has gone to his head, but come on…that’s still part of the cliché, by the way. So later we find out there will be a return to Malgor mission, but Comet can’t go due to budget cuts.

I trained, I helped everyone, but no one thinks I’m part of the team”

Maybe cuz a rock has more personality?

So of course he starts moping, and dreaming of more. But of course, he hijacks the rocket to go on the mission by himself.

Cliche count: 3

The rocket launches, but the cloud resulting from that takeoff floats over the lawn Zartog is on, and it frees him. Wait, NASA here is so close to a neighbor hood that the rocket can knock it over? …WHAT..

The fried Zartog runs off, while Houston finds out Comet has left a message for him.

Houston, i’ve got a problem”

HAW.

The senator, again voiced by Stanley Tucci approaches the NASA Scientists, and tells some reporters that the chimps will help form the first habitable space base. After that, Houston tells the gang what Comet did. So now the chimps must save Comet, and get him to come to his senses.

To infinity, and a blonde!”

HAW. HAW.

So they get some jetpacks and fly around, then crash. Then Comet floats in the ship a bit. We are now 20 minutes in and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

After about 5 minutes of nothing noteworthy happening, I realize we’re now 25 minutes into this 72 minute movie, and this either has cliches, lame jokes, or just small things happening without a plot.

Comet goes through the totally-not-ripping-off-2001-wormhole and lands on Malgor. Right away he runs into Kilowatt and she brings him to her village. This is intercut with scenes of Zartog sneaking into Space Chimp HQ. All while few jokes or made and nothing happens.

30 minutes. Nothing has happened.

During a trip through the village, we see that Malgor is happy with Zartog. Kilowatt then takes Comet on a tour through the planet, while Zartog bumps into Titan, who FINALLY gets something to do.

Not recognizing the villain who tried to kill him,. Cuz STUPID=FUNNY, (Cliche count: 4)Titan takes him on a tour. Eventually, he lets Zartog into the room with Senator and the scientists, who are working on a machine that gets rid of anything. He plans to take it and use it on Ham.

And he does, in full view of the humans. Sadly, the humans hear his words as alien babble so his threats don’t work that well. Then they try to talk to him through…dance. After that lame-ness ends, Zartog zaps the senator.

We are now at the 40 minute mark, and finally the villain becomes a threat, sort of. What is our hero doing? Dicking around. That’s it. There are no stakes for any of our main characters, no real jokes are made, and there is nothing for me to comment on.

Why does this movie exist?

..

Wait, why can Zartog understand English? Whatever, the gang finally contacts Comet. He explains what happened, but assures them everything is fine. Yep, fine. No conflict whatsoever. Yawn…

Comet almost signs off, saying he’ll be back soon but Titan shows up and tells them what happened, and now we have conflict. Wait, why can the chimps speak Alien?

Also, the villain has come back for revenge so-

Cliche count: 5

So they ask Comet to help stop Zartog. Now he must go back and help out, and Killowat will come with.

You’d  leave your home, for me?”

Yeah, the ship goes both ways, right? She can come back when this is over, you know.

‘Friends don’t let friends down”

Cliche count: 6

They leave for Earth, and head through the wormhole.

We’re just going through a rift in time is all.”

Oh, that makes sense”

FUNNY JOKE ALERT.

Back on earth, there’s  dicking around with the other chimps sneaking around. Meanwhile, Zartog speaks alien babble that the humans can’t understand. Yes, this is the 1000th time they’ve done this joke. WE GET IT.

Ham just shows himself and a fight ensues. Zartog zaps the female scientist, which causes the racist Indian one to confess his love. …Okay.

After that, we get a long scene where Comet tries to land. It goes on waaay too long, as does a bit where Ham distracts Zartog with a magic trick. This is padding: the movie.

Seriously, I get what they are going for, but the jokes aren’t funny, the story isn’t progressing, and this isn’t building on the characters in any way!

After that, Zartog zaps the Indian guy who says he will never follow his dream of being a dancer where leads to a bit of him dancing in an imagine spot and okay what the fuck.

So Ham and Zartog done jetpacks and have a chase scene. This is going on while Comet is landing the rocket. Zartog ends up on the rocket and then Comet is able to throw him off as he plummets to the ground.

That was…insultingly easy. Oh wait, Comet has to land, that’s more important than the villain! Spoilers, he lands. Thankfully, Zartog isn’t dead and gets up.

He zaps Killowat and she vanishes. Holy shit, sacrifice?! Something actually happened in this movie?! But before that can sink in, Ham takes the remote and zaps Zartog.

Again, insultingly easy.

Speaking of which, Comet uses techno mumbo jumbo to bring everyone back.

Cliche Count: 7

Of course, I knew they wouldn’t do anything awesome like keeping the characters “Dead”.

Maybe the chimps should be running the agency instead of us”

At this point, I agree.

The Senator awkwardly leaves. At the 63 minute mark, the day is saved, and Comet …well was able to do a couple small things. Hero! I won’t put another cliché, since it’s part of the one from earlier.

Oh, and they bring Zartog back, but make him tiny. Tiny Zartog runs off, and suddenly we cut to the circus Ham worked at where Comet performs.

It’s pointless and goes on too long. Shocked? In a scene copying- I mean mirroring the first film, Comet is shot out of a canon and looks at the moon.

Abrupt cut to Zartog back in the yard with the dog. He wakes up the dog, who chases him. The end. …Yes, it ends at the 68 minute mark, not counting credits. A rushed ending to a REALLY rushed movie.

Final Thoughts:

Ever watched a Sketch show such as Robot Chicken, where there’s a really short skit that’s kind of dumb and has no point to it at all? Imagine a whole movie like that.

This movie is nothing. It has no story, it has no characters, it has no ANYTHING. Things happen, that’s it. The story, if you can even call it that, is incredibly basic, cliché, and rushed. When things actually happen, it’s either dull or too quick.

The pacing is atrocious. Nothing happens, and when it does, it goes on too long or it’s too little too late. It barely even lives up to the title, as Zartog’s revenge is pretty lame. The cliches it employ’s are given no weight to boot.

The characters are incredibly flat, un-funny, with no personality. Ham and Luna, the only developed people in the first film are useless here, and Comet is as dull as he was before, but now he’s the hero. We get no new characters, and the ones from before are just bad. Zartog still sucks, even with the voice talents of Dimaggio.

The voice acting is okay, but nothing special. The animation? Yeah…no. It’s bad, like really bad. Some shots look…okay, but only in that direct to video way. The rest looks BAD, even for a movie like this.

No one put any effort into this. The pacing sucks, the story is a mess, and the jokes are lame. But to be honest, I can’t even hate it. It’s not all too painful ,but it’s so usless and lame that it’s not even worth existing!

The first film was lame, but at least it had…something of substance. This? Nope. No tension, no plot twists no…ANYTHING! Things happen, the end. It’s almost insulting to kids, as even preschool films give them something. Even a moral. Not here.

It’s not…awful like i’m suggesting, it’s just really EMPTY. You know, they say if you give 1000 monkeys 1000 typewriters, they would make Shakespeare.

I don’t know if that’s true, but they could write a better film than this

Grade: D

See ya.

Advertisements

About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
This entry was posted in Play by Play Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s