Hello, Spongey here.
The other day, I looked in shock when my twitter feed showed me an AV Club article talking about a trailer..for the new film by Jason Freidberg and Aaron Seltzer.
Yes, my friends, Seltzerberg is back with The Starving Games. Because The Hunger Games exists, it must be spoofed. But I’m not actually here to discuss that.
Oh sure, the trailer was awful but it reminded me of another man who is known for making shitty spoof movies. See, even though their glorious return, Vampires Suck made money they slowed to a halt until that TSG trailer.
The “Shitty spoof movie” genre too seemed to be gone, seemingly until A Haunted House came along. However, there is one man in the direct to DVD circit that seems to be doing what Seltzerberg does…only worse.
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Craig Moss. He’s only made 3 spoof films, but he is already infamous. He made ‘The 41 year old virgin who knocked up Sarah Marshell and felt superbad about it” which was a spoof of…well I assume all of those movies. Having only seen Film Brain’s review of Breaking Wind, and read reviews of 41 Year old virgin, I can tell Craig Moss sucks.
Imagine Seltzerberg, only a bit more focused, but even more obnoxious. You have this guy. And since I’ve heard he is on the same level as them, I figured iId show you there are worse things than the Starving games. I picked this one out of the three for a few reasons..
- I know more about PA than those Judd Apatow movies
- Breaking Wind looks BAD, even for me. I weep for Film brain’s sanity after that review..
So…here goes nothing.
This, is 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
So the first thing you see in the entire movie? A fake skitles commercial, in which a guy cums skittles on a woman’s face.
Is it too early to quit?
The next thing we see is a Storage Wars reference. Cuz why not. We see two ladies looking inside a storage….thingy I guess, and find…Adele. Yep, it’s similar to Seltzerberg, all right. And yes, they don’t react to her and she vanishes.
One finds a dildo, and another finds a tape labeled FOUND FOOTAGE.
One minute and 38 seconds and…i want to kill myself. HELP!
They watch the tape, which has audio of a 911 call. The caller, who sounds like Herbert from Family guy keeps saying “Five” then..
“Five dollars foot loooooooooong!”
….Ugh. Anyway, It turns out the caller is being possessed by a bunch of demons, and he killed the Cast of the artist. Which is as much as horror movie as Nacho Libre is an epic movie.
We see a news thingy confirming that fact, and we cut to a lady named Dana telling some guy he’s doing a documentary cuz she’s the daughter of the guy that demon took over.
‘I found out he did it while an exorcism is being performed…on him…by clowns…without his pants.”
Okay, how can I be only 3 minutes in and declare this the worst movie ever?
So she tells us her dad was found not Guilty based on insanity. He was then thrown in the looney bin which he coped with by pretending to be in a brothel-
Oh sorry, I still have my last review on the mind.
So anyway ,we join her on her documentary quest to said loony bin. She narrates that Italy has top notch tech and the best doctors….and then we see Mario are lugii are two such doctors.
IT’S FUNNY CUZ ITALY HA.
She visits the dad….who is played by French Stewart. Inspector Gadget 2, home alone 4…and now this?! Dude, what happened?!
It’s hard to sum up what happens here…but uh…connect the dots…phone…ordering hookers…words on his lips…it’s not funny, okay?
Then she goes on to talk to us about how she found her husband….which was through a Bachelor parody. Incredible relevance aside, when she accepts her man’s rose, they fuck cuz sex iz funneh.
Fast forward to 2012, where they have kids who are older. They also have a new baby, and are moving in to a new house, with cameras so now we know what this is mainly spoofing. Liz, the teen daughter is actually okay with the house.
“I just took the biggest dump upstairs”
And…then Dana asks a mexican gay guy to give the baby a bath and…he declines but then.,…
JACK AND JILL FLASHBACKS NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO!
So…anyway, Dana and Aaron talk and Aaron says he has a meeting fora job with the umbrella corporation. Wait, is that a Resident evil reference? I’d say it’s random but this is a spoof film, so i’m glad they picked a semi horror film.
That night, they decide to do a sex tape, but are thankfully stopped when Liz walks in. They took an already dumb idea from PA 3 and made it worse by doing the LOOKBONDAGE joke, which I will spare you from.
The next morning…wait, what? This is a Paranormal Activity spoof…without the land of nothing segment? The hell? How do you spoof a movie but skip over the thing that takes up most of it?!
Even SELTZERBERG can do this! …Wow, did I just say that?
However, they still find the place trashed. They also find their room changed into…a pink girly one.
“It looks like Neil patrck harris threw up in here!”
Please….if he threw up in there, It would look much better. So they also find good food in the kitchen…which turns out to be from Paula bean, whoever that is, who shows up and vanishes.
This film is gonna be the end of me.
Then…Kate and Bush , whoever THEY are show up, and suggest putting cameras all over the house. They do, so we go into full on PA mode.
And then, for no reason, there’s a lesbian shower scene with two ladies. Yes, there is full frontal nudity. But Dana just sees this in her shower, they leave…and nothing.
I never thought i’d see nude ladies and actually THINK about the scene itself. That’s how bad this movie is.
…Seriously, what was the point?
Anyway, it seems like the movie heard me earlier, as finally we see night 2. Well, it looks they are spoofing PA 3 with that. In true PA fashion, not much happens…but a marker does draw on Aaron face by itself. …k.
It writes PUSSY on his face, which he is not happy to see the next morning. And next we get…gasp…ACTUAL PARAODY. Yes, the overly skeptical PA Dad is spoofed when he sees this on the tape and doesn’t buy it, and even blames shit like the window.
See, was that so hard? I mean as long as you-
‘If there are ghosts in this house, give us a sign”
And they see Aaron crucified , dressed as jesus. ….fuck you.
And…then it cuts to the next scene, like nothing happened. Way to ruin that joke by having the dude not react in a funny way.
Dana thinks she knows why this is going on, so we jump into narration again. Now they really spoof PA3, with Dana and her sister and the whole “toby” thing.
Wait, so far they seem to just be doing PA 3…like how they only did Eclipse in Breaking Wind. Well…this does make some sense, as the PA movies are a bit more stand alone, so I can forgive that.
She says two years after they bumped into “Jefferey”, Dad killed the cast of the artist. Wait, if that happened back in the 90’s or whatever, how can he kill the cast of a movie THAT DIDN’T EXIST YET?!
AARON: It was a great movie!
Movie, don’t pretend you saw that. …Okay, me neither but I’m busy. And…then it cuts to that night. …This movie just stops a scene before they make a point.
Something so dumb happens that i’ll just skip to the next morning. They call in the Ghost brothers cuz the tv jokes NEVER STOP. Actually, this spoof is…sadly accurate, but it becomes kind of annoying after a minute or so.
Yep, one bit that could have been funny is ruined. Shocked?
They scream, do dumb shit…and leave. Okay, this is why I hate modern spoof movies. See, Airplane, Spaceballs, even SCARY MOVIE 1 have one thing in common/: They are MOVIES. They have an actual narrative, and try to create characters and have a grounded reasons for their parodies.
However, shit like Meet the spartans, Disaster movie, and this …are just bad sketches strung together. That can work in theory, but these are so short and lazy that it feels like they aren’t even trying. I’d suggest that they just do a skit movie…but then we get Movie 43. Whatever.
That night, the door movies. NOW it’s a true Paranormal Activity spoof! The door opens and slams shut…and it does it again.,..and again…and again…AND AGAIN. And…then the door just falls down.
Okay guys, repeating shit IS NOT FUNNY. It’s annoying!
Of course we abruptly cut to the next day as Liz, you know the teen daughter, sees a neighbor dude through a window is smitten. He spies her, and he comes over and he is…
Of course. And…he does nothing but talk to Liz without making a joke for a solid minute. He tries to kiss her but then Mary Todd sees it and then …he just leaves.
You put Abe Linclon in there, I guess to spoof Vampire hunter…AND YOU DO NOTHING. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!
“Wait, I didn’t get to show you my apple product placement”
A FUNNY JOKE?! RUN!
Later, Liz talks to the Mexican guy. She talks about how she loves Abe and stuff. He suggests slipping him some Roofies so she can do stuff to him and he won’t remember. No jokes are made, so I can move on.
That night, they do the Fan Cam from PA 3…even though we never saw them putting it up. So if you didn’t see PA 3, this will be lost on you. The joke here is that there is a big build up…and then either nothing or a small, odd thing.
The third time they do this, we see a Mariachi band. IT’S FUNNY CUZ MEXICANS.
Speaking of, the mexican guy dresses like the chick from Black Swan…cuz they want to out-suck Scary movie 5, and then the demon tries to get him. Eventually, he gets stabbed…but then walks into the next room where we see…the film crew…and he asks why there was some wall and..
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
Fourth wall is one thing, but this is dumb. And yes, we do see director Craig moss as…well the director. Then he runs outside…and gets raped by a pool cleaner? The hell?
And it…cuts to the next day, with silence? …There are only so many ways I can say WHAT THE FUCK.
And yes, Aaron sees dead mexican guy and doesn’t react. Cuz comedy? Then…night again? Okay, I guess nothing happens during the day. They spoof PA 1 this time with the chick watching the dude for many hours.
Nothing really happens…until she farts on Aaron’s face. For like 20 seconds. Sigh…i could rage or make a reference to NC’s take on the fart joke but at this point, I don’t care.
Then…she puts peanut butter on his crotch, has a dog lick it, then records it on a camera. Only this movie can piss me off so much that I can’t shout CAMERACEPTION.
The next morning, he assumes Dana sucked his dick, and she doesn’t recall anything. But then Aaron finds the video pretty quickly. Now he’s extra pissed at the ghost, and wants to get rid of it. Dana think it’s smarter to lay low, and not provoke it.
Wow, he’s smarter than Micah ever was.
They leave to do some stuff, and a Ouija board lights on fire then burns out, like in PA 1. ..Then the ghost just watches TV. Cuz it’s funny to reveal the ghost earlier than the actual movie does, yes?
And yes, it is a ghost here, not a demon. Cuz…i don’t know. Then the ghost…watches porn and jacks off. Okay, movie you need to make ACTUAL JOKES. Having a ghost jack off is not funny in itself. Do I NEED to explain this shit?!
So Dana and Aaron get home to find the “ectoplasm” and thus, Aaron goes into ghost hunting mode. He does the whole “white dust” thing from PA 1. That night they do indeed find three toed footprints. Wait, this is a ghost, so why does he only have 3 toes?
..And then they find tiny normal footprints…then bigger ones. Comedy? Whatever, they lead to the attic. And after some odd bit…it just cuts to later, as they are handing the baby off to Liz for her babysiting duties.
The hell? What happened? Did the editor fuck up? No one goes up there or anything? We just cut and assume nothing happened? Ugh, this movie IS gonna be the end of me..
So yeah, Liz is taking care of the baby while the two are out. There’s a bit where Liz drops the baby twice. Cuz child abuse is FUCKING FUNNY RIGHT?!
Later, someone knocks on the door and Liz lets in some …hot chick who I guess is a spoof of…something? Then…they make out? The hell? Then…Alice from Resident Evil shows up? Then it’s a threesome-
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I love this shit as much as the next guy, but it’s pointless…and not funny, but you already know that. But since i’m nice, here
Happy now? Neither am I. So then…Abe Lincoln shows up again! Forget about him? I wish I did. So…anyway, Liz tries the roofie thing mexican guy suggested. She starts to do him…then the ghost of the mexican guy shows up, and throws her in the closet to have him for himself?
The hell? A Gay mexican ghost is now trying to rape Abe Lincoln…how is that funny? I don’t even get it. Why doesn’t the actual ghost here stop all of this, or at least show up to react? This is just a lame. LOOKHE’SMEXICANANDGAY joke.
Oddlm this is where it goes into true scary PA mode. Liz comes out of the closet, no comment, and tries to stop the mexican ghost.
“Take this, you dragon tattoo slut”
Oh hey, a reference to the film that’s IN THE TITLE. Where was that I the last 50 minutes? Wait…WE’RE 50 MINUTES IN. Yes, that means it’s going fast!
She wakes up later, and tries to find Abe but ends up getting locked out of the house. Then…the baby narrates with an adult voice? Then a…party breaks out?
…Project X? Is that the joke here? Even so, it’s a baby doing…wild shit with teens for no reason. Not much of a satire. And guess what? Cut to later, without that ever being mentioned.
Okay, this movie is really getting to me. So I’ll just…do what it does and forget shit like that happened. Dana and Aaron get home and doesn’t wonder where Liz is (?) and go to bed.
So later that night, the couple hear some noise…and Aaron is pissed to see that someone ate his muffin. Then they find a broken mirror and swapped out family photos. Okay, is the ghost being wild or subtle? He’s switched at like 50000 times in the last half hour. Consistency, what’s that?
And then the ghost starts to have it’s way with Dana…and she likes it. Yay, a rape joke which the writers try to cover up by making her like it which makes even LESS funny. And…it just kind of cuts away.
Okay, now I think we are just seeing the deleted scenes that the editor spliced in by accident. That was awful.
Speaking of, let’s bring back the ghost brothers cuz I hate my life. The couple goes in their van (no comment) to discuss ghosts once again.
“Why are you filming all this?”
“I just feel the need to record everything”
They talk and it’s pointless and not funny. Shocked? There’s a cut to that night, where Dana is dragged out of bed by the ghost. Shes’ dragged all around town in a lame gag…and we cut to the next morning where it seems that Aaron is waking up and didn’t even try to help Dana last night.
So it’s back to PA 1 spoofing, as Dana is here but isn’t talking. Also, she has a mark on her back (also a tattoo cuz comedy) Oh, and tattoo note from the ghost telling them to get out of the house. The ghost crap is so badly paced and done that I can roll with him doing this only just now.
Remember that interview Aaron had? Well the movie does, and it will now happen at Aaron’s house. Yes, worry about that and not your wife…prick. He only wants to get rid of her demon cuz of this damn interview.
So he calls up the short guy from Crash and Bernstien to get rid of the ghost. Yep, we’re at the midget joke. The one joke that a movie pulls when it is out of ideas. Yippie.
And NOW, Dana goes all crazy whilst tied to the bed. I know, comedy but there must be SOME logic! So the exorcist says Dana has some serious inner demons inside her as well. They do some freaky chants, and she floats and BOOM, fart joke!
To borrow a joke from film Brain, Craig never forgets the three F’s: Fucking, farting, AND MORE FUCKING FARTING .
“I’m okay, I’m back”
Farts get rid of ghosts? Huh, that’s one thing the ghostbusters never learned…
So they take her out, and…the interview starts cuz why not. So thus, Donald trump comes in cuz…relevance? They actually skip the actual interview, and we see that he is hired. Comedy? Where are you?
But then the Tv comes on to show that bit of the dog licking Aaron’s balls from earlier. How did that suddenly come on? Was the ghost? Is he still around? I DON’T CARE ANYMORE.
So, he’s fired. And…evil ghost laugh. So he’s still here? Then why didn’t they think that the ghost would still be there when he left Dana? I don’t get it!
So now the ghost speaks up and taunts Aaron. And…then bane shows up. Cuz…they have to spoof batman somehow! Also, Bane impressions are super easy and somehow, they fuck it up. . He sounds so…tough when he should sound like…you know, Sean Connery with a cold.
They do make the whole “no one can hear him” joke but it doesn’t really work. They fight, then Dana shows up…and we see she’s with some other guy….and then we cut to Aaron and the short guy watching a better movie.
Again, what the hell? What happened?! Then…it’s back to the fight only now…Dana is fighting the chicks from Bridesmaids. Okay, this is now…Disaster movie levels of incompetence. It’s that bad.
And…then Effie from the hunger games shows up….I ended up discussing The Starving games after all!
You know, in Disaster movie the whole “everyone shows up” thing actually made sense cuz the movie had no actual structure. But here, we have the ghost thing so it makes no sense for this to be going on!
And…i guess they are all ghosts cuz the Ghostbusters ghost trapper thing captures them…which means more Ghost brothers. And..Abe Lincoln shows up again! Where the hell did HE go and how is he back?
“Joining ghost hunters”
“You are a vampire slayer”
Oh yeah, I forgot that he was spoofing that movie but…he only had an axe, and there was no reference to the movie just…abe. Hell, it may as well have been the Speilberg film.
He said he was changed cuz of the whole ghost rape, so I guess he survived that but the mexican ghost is gone and…whatever. And he…tries to kill the people, even though they aren’t ghosts. K?
..And the daughter knocks him out. So she’s back? Where did she go? Did she stop loving abe? THIS MOVIE…
‘I am sorry for being the skanky rebellious teenager for so long”
So she changed…because plot. She says she met a new guy who changed her…the pool cleaner. Whatever.
And…cut to that night. Okay, i’ve said “and’ followed by three dots, a lot today. Lights flash and doors move…but they just say “Felipe” like it’s a sitcom. Felipe was the mexican guy, by the way.
Then Dana’s dad shows up cuz derp a doo. He got kicked out of the Loony bin cuz that’s how that works. He’s stay at their place and goes upstairs to fuck discount whores.
…Then the tape ends and we go back to the Storage war ladies. …That’s it? That’s the tape? They didn’t even get rid of the real ghost, he just…stopped. The ladies are as pissed as I am and call it the biggest piece of crap they’ve ever seen.
But Adele liked it, so there’s that. Roll Credits. Wait, what? That’s it? Just a lazy, rushed ending with nothing resolved at all?
FINALLY! 75 MINUTES NEVER FELT SO LONG.
This copies and pastes stuff from either the movies they are spoofing, or other spoofs. So I shall do the same and take a part from my old ass review of DISASTER MOVIE…which itself was a quote from Roger ebert. See, I can rip off lazy things too.
“t hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it. “
Thank you, Goodnight.