SPONGEY’S MANLY JOURNAL
Man, it’s been a rough last couple days. I’m back in my house after posting a new review, and I’ve had to explain myself to the police and my parents. And by explain I mean, lie since I can’t say the truth or I’ll die.
Oh wait, I can write it in here, and nobody will see it. Well okay, strap yourself in cuz, it’s a weird story. See, I reviewed Paranormal Activity 3, to get my mind off some weird shit that was happening. Then, right after I watched the movie, I went up to see what was making those noises and then…i was attacked. By a thing..and when I woke up…well, I suppose a transcript will help out in this situation. So I woke up a surprisingly fire filled place, and of course the first person I see…is a demon.
SPONGEY: Ugh man…what did I do last night?
DEMON: Ah, you are awake.
SPONGEY: Man, I must still be dreaming.
DEMON: This is not a dream…it’s a living nightmare!
SPONGEY: Oh great I watch so many bad movies the cliches leaked into my dreams
DEMON: Shut it!
SPONGEY: …This is happening for real, isn’t it.
SPONGEY: …Okay, I need exposition. Now.
DEMON: Yes, see I am a demon from hell, which is where you are now. I’ve been terrorizing this family for awhile now. You may know some of their names…does Katie or Micah ring a bell?
SPONGEY: Wait…you are the PA demon?
DEMON: Yes. Yes I am.
SPONGEY: Shit, hide the doors!
DEMON: There, that’s exactly what I mean! See, those films did happen for a real, and the found footage thing is a cover up …sort of. See, the evil Hollywood suits…changed the story. A lot.
SPONGEY: Meaning…you’re not lazy?
DEMON: No! Not at all! I killed those quickly, and with ease. However, the guys up there wanted to make it more scary by making me incredibly lazy, until part 3. I liked that one, but that’s not the point. I hate that series for making me look like a joke.
SPONGEY: So why don’t you go up there and stop them?
DEMON: It’s not allowed. Only Satan can do that kind of thing, and he doesn’t care. Though he did care when some dick made a bad Dr Suess movie…Well anyway, I noticed you mocking me at every turn. Normally I’d get that people don’t know the truth but…man did you mock me. You came up with a really crappy backstory too!
DEMON: Normally I’d either let it slide, and give you a boo. After all, others have mocked me…but you had that nothing time song! You needed to be dealt with. So I dragged you here.
SPONGEY: So…I’m stuck in hell forever.
DEMON: Yep. I snuck past Satan to do this, and he’ll just think you’re another guy.
SPONGEY: I have no chance of getting out, ever?
DEMON: …Actually, there is. See, I want to torture you for what you have done, so..
SPONGEY: I have to review a bad movie?
DEMON: …Lucky guess. Here are the rules: I send you up today, where everyone is busy looking for you. You review Spy Kids 3D, post said review, and don’t tell anyone where you are. Once the review is posted, you are free to go forever.
SPONGEY: But what about the police? My parents?
DEMON: Deal with it it yourself. Here’s the movie. Bye!
SPONGEY: Wait, wait!
And that’s how it went. Oh, and then as i finished the review, he said he was un-happy, and now I must review an even worse film. …I should get on that then.
Hello, Spongey here.
You may notice an entry from my diary at the start of this review. That was my way of explaining what happened to me. Yes, believe it or not, I faced a demon.
Now, how will I make it so the police and my parents not see these reviews, and find out what happened? Well, since last time, my demon made it so they would forget about it if they ever read it, so I’m safe.
I apologize for keeping secrets, but the demon would kill me if I said anything. Though now he doesn’t care…cuz derpy doo.
So anyway, onto appeasing the demon. Last time I looked at Spy Kids, the dull 3rd entry in a otherwise decent franchise. It seemed like the end…but nope!
In 2011, Robert Rodreduiz saw fit to bring the series back for a roboot, with new kids, and the original kids in supporting roles.
But first, I must mention how he got the idea for this movie. During the filming of Machete, Jessica Alba’s kids shit in his pants, so she had to change him. While watching her change, Robert got the idea for a spy mom and thus Spy kids 4 was made.
Yes, this movie, was inspired by a kid shitting. This, is not shocking.
Not only did he bring Spy kids back, he also brought back 4D! Yes, that. See, if you saw this movie in theaters, you are given not only the shame of doing so, but also a scratch and sniff thing. When a number blinks on screen, you scratch that number and sniff it. This was a dead gimmick that nobody liked.
So of course Robert brought it back. I didn’t see this in the theaters, so I don’t know if it worked, but I hear it did not.
That’s enough introduction. Let’s see what happen when shit inspires shit.
This, is Spy Kids: All The Time in the world
The movie opens with Secret agent Marissa, played by Jessica Alba. She is trying to hunt down a bad guy that is hanging out nearby. Said bad guy is Tik tock-
Time Puns: 1
Trust me, that’s gonna go up-
who has a time freezing device, which he uses on some other agents. Okay, this doesn’t seem so bad. Jessica Alba, being a hot agent and-
Oh god, why?! Not only is my boner dead, but this is just stupid! Why go out on spy work when you’re pregnant?! Her boss brings this up, but she just needs to finish off Tik tock. Wow, she’s an idiot. I’m pretty sure if do all this complex shit while preggo, your kids will end up really fucked up!
Anyway,she jumps in the car and gets a call from Husband, played by-
Joel Mchale, why?! Why do this?! You couldn’t have thought this was good! But unlike NPH in the smurfs, he doesn’t liven things up at all. This movie sucks all the funny out of him. But back on point, he doesn’t know shes a spy and she quickly tells him the baby is coming now.
Great, even more reason not to be doing all this crap. You go, Alba.
“I’ve got time”
Time Puns: 2
She catches up with Tick-Tock and his goons.
“Clean her clock”
Time pun: 3
She beats him and he gets sent to jail. He was trying to a device called project Armageddon. With that over, Alba quits her spy work now that she’s gonna have another kid. She already has two, who we join with Joel at the hospital.
We learn Wilbur, Joel’s character, makes reality shows. I don’t need to point why I groaned at that fact. He’s gonna make a show called Spy hunters, which sounds about as good as most reality shows. Even the kids, Rebecca and Cecil think it’s a dumb idea. Anyway, Mom shows up.
“Must have lost track of time”
Time puns: 4
One year later, they have a baby girl and Joel has his spy show on the air. What kind of network would pick up a dumb reality-wait that’s every network ever.
We see that the kids compete with each other a lot. Imagine the Juni/Carmen thing done lazily. Actually, most of the movie is Spy kids 1 if it sucked.
JOEL: If my show does well, I’ll have all the time in the world.
Technically not a pun, as he as talking about how little time he has word the kids but…TITLE DROP.
Anyway, at the OSS, we find out that time is speeding up. FUTURAMA DID IT! I think that’s the first time anyone’s said that. Guess they ran out of Simpsons stuff to rip off.
But on the bright side, they say two hours go by a few minutes, which means the movie’s already over! …Oh wait. We cut back to home, as we see that things aren’t so good on the family. Dad can’t do much with kids, and he hasn’t caught one spy. AND Mom is actually a step mom to Rebecca, and you know how THAT cliché works.
Infact, Rebecca thinks she’s hiding something cuz…derpy doo. These kids aren’t the worst kid actors ever, but they don’t have much fun chemistry, at least not as much as some others. Rebeca is a brat, as her dislike for mom isn’t even charming.
Mom tries to fix that by having a cliché moment with her. Mom appeals to her by talking about her pranks and how funny they can be. Don’t appease her prank nature, when earlier she said she got in trouble at school for it. Then again, we already know Alba isn’t the best parent.
She even gives Rebecca her own plot device necklace. It’s special in her family and yada yada. At least Rebecca is starting to feel remorse, but if it’s this cheesy, I don’t want it. However, it turns out she set up a big prank for Mom before this moment, so the prank springs, pissing her off.
Great, things are more “Complex” and yada yada yada. Thankfully, the plot moves on as a news report tells them of the time crisis.
“We’ll be completely out of time, in no time”
Time puns: 5
They also have a video from a man in a really goofy clock based outfit, who claims he is doing this cuz everyone wastes time. You mean like how they wasted time by making this movie? His name is the timekeeper. Oh, and the OSS says they’ll find him-
Wait, the world knows of the OSS? The top secret spy agency? I’m pretty sure they were fairly secret in the original films, but now everyone knows them? HOW IS IT A SECRET?! If people know that the OSS exists, then Alba should have no problem admitting she’s a spy!
Well, it makes Joel’s show more…sense making. Oh, and..
“We’re gonna punch his clock”
Time puns: 6
We cut to the timekeeper, who is working with Tick-Tock. Actually, Tim seems to the sidekick here. Also, I don’t like these guys that much. The other spy kids villains, were so much fun or at least interesting. Even Stallone was fun! These guys? Not so much. Sure, the voices are “funny” (Tick tock sounds like a chipmunk and timekeeper sounds like Dr Claw) and they seem a tad bit hammy but they don’t bring anything…interesting to the table.
Well, they do in the end..but we’ll get to that later.
The OSS calls Mom the next day and we find out that Necklace is some time thingy that the bad guys needs. They ask her to bring it in, so Alba asks Rebecca for it back. This…doesn’t go over well.
“You can’t trust me with it”
Woo hoo, more bullshit! I mean, I see what they are going with, but due to how it’s written, it comes across as lazy bullshit…and why hasn’t Cecil done anything yet?!
So mom just gives up and leaves with the baby. Why is she taking the baby with her? Derpy doo. She gets to the OSS and realizes the necklace is at home. Yeah, should have double checked that, dude. Anyway, Jeremy Piven here says they won’t need the thing anymore to snab Tick-Tock.
And then his goons show up at that house to get the necklace. WORST. AGENCY. EVER. This sets off the houses secret alarm thingy, telling the kids to hide in the shelter. They, are of course confused. They think it’s a prank (?) until the goons break in.
The house forces them into the secret panic room, along with their dog. There, they get a per-recorded message from Mom saying she set this up if her work puts the kids in danger.
“Our stepmomther’s a spy?”
“Impossible. She’s not cool enough”
Gee, that isn’t a rehashed line from spy kids 1! Like I said, this is crappy Spy kids, with a plot that is like the first film, only moved around a bit…and with time puns.
Now, you may think this isn’t that bad so far. Well, it gets worse. How? The dog talks. And he’s ricky Garvis.
“Give me five…that’s what cool people say, isn’t it?”
IT JUST GOT WORSE.
Also he’s a robot. He just needs a blog, and we’re all set!
“I usually have to eat grass or a slipper to feel this sick”
Okay, moving on. After a long escape jet chase, complete with barf jokes, the kids end up at OSS. Whatever, what could possible liven up this movie?
Carmen? Grown up? AND HOT?! YES! This movie almost worth it…almost! Anyway, turns out Alba is Carmen’s aunt, who was never mentioned before….why?
Oh, and there’s a bit with Joel’s boss watching bad Spy Hunter outtakes, with Joel..
“Just say it…I’m too handsome”
FUNNY JOKE ALERT.
“It’s time to get serious”
Time puns: 6
Anyway, back with Dog, carmen and the kids.
DOG: Well hello, you’re a bit grown out.
She shows them the old Spy Kids division, which means CONTINUITY REFERENCES! They shut it down 7 years ago due to Budget cuts. I’d love to find out exactly what Carmen has been up to since Spy kids 3, but this is about two extra brats, so nope.
But, wait, where’s Juni?
“We shall not speak of him”
Meanwhile, Mom sneaks into Tick-Tock’s place…WITH THE BABY IN TOW. WORST. MOM. EVER. Said baby then shits.
Ugh. Not even part 3 had the shit and vomit jokes. 2 had one (it was dumb) but it was ONE. See, I liked the first two, cuz they mostly avoided shit jokes. But now…it’s all shit jokes, all the time.
“Right on time..”
Time puns: 6
She gets caught, but she throws a poo filled diaper at the goons. This movie is like a recipe. Add in a spoonful of spy kids one, a teaspoon of shit jokes-
“Better luck next time”
AND THE REST IS TIME PUNS.
Time Puns: 7
“The bigger the crime, the better the time!”
STOP WITH THE FUCKING TIME PUNS
Time puns: 8
“He’s really starting to tick me off”
Time Puns: 9
Anyway, Tick Tock escapes, but who cares? Rebecca is still mad at mom for daring to…not tell them about her spy stuff, thus putting her in danger. Okay, I know what I said earlier, but that only cuz the world knew of OSS. By this movie’s logic, that was Alba’s reason. So why is she mad? DERPY DOO.
She decides to jump in and be a spy, cuz the best spy kids always jump in action instead of waiting. Carmen’s words, not mine. They compete to see who catches the timekeeper first. Even the dog groans.
So they play around with the spy gadgets laying around. They take some, and try to get past some guards. The dog rolls with it instead of telling them to stop cuz…derpy fucking doo.
I think he’s too busy pissing oil slick….excuse me for a moment.
One deep moment of thought later…
Okay, I’m back. So he shits some bombs…I’m gonna need another moment.
Another deep moment of thought later…
They find some room with a computer containing some coded messages regarding the time keeper’s location, but Dog says no one can crack the code.
“It’s an anagram!”
…A bunch of top agents couldn’t figure that out? Anyway,. The kids unscramble it to reveal that he is at a watch repair shop.
“Villains love their secret hideouts to have a theme..”
ANOTHER FUNNY MOMENT, RUN
There happens to be a teleporter in that room, so they end up in front of the shop. Carmen and the others figure this out, and Alba calls in to tell her to meet he at their location.
“She’s a lot like you, carmen”
I blame lazy, rehashed writing.
‘Let’s see, he’s the timekeeper, and it’s a room full of clocks…nah, let’s check the cheese shop down the road”
THE DOG SAID SOMETHING FUNNY, RUN
Cuz this shop/hideout has no guards, they find a secret elevator easily.
“You should have a competition to see which one of you is the most annoying”
Ohh, that’s a tough one, I think it would end in a tie. Anyway, as you would expect, they end up in the big evil room, which is, a giant clock.
Long story short, they make it past a big death trap while Joel somehow makes a spy tracker and device and heads out. His buddy tells him to “spend the time” now so that his kids don ‘t grow up too soon and yada yada yada. I only mentioned that so you won’t think there isn’t some kind of arc going with Joel.
The kids find a computer containing info we already know, but the kids do. Meaning, that the necklace is needed for their plan. They run but bump into Tick-Tock., who pauses them.
“That will stop your clock”
Time Puns: 10
Thankfully, Step Mom and Carmen jump in to help, once Tick-tock un pauses the kids. The kids have their nifty gadgets, so the family precedes to kick some ass.
Meanwhile, Joel and his buddy find the watch shop with the spy tracker. Seriously, how do you make something like that? Whatever, they go through a dumpster…okay, and we cut back to asskicking.
“Oh shit…take mushrooms”
Another rehash of Spy kids 1 and 2…also, You know-for kids!
Joel and the buddy end up at the top of the room, Watching the fight. But then Tick-tock throws some…weird flying things at the kids.
“Time flies when you’re having fun”
Time puns: 11
The family escapes, but the bad guys get the necklace. The kids meet up with Alba, and everyone is okay with the fact that the kids went out and helped doomed the world.
But Alba is proud of Rebecca, so I guess that moves that cliché plot alone. Joel takes his footage back to his boss but is shocked see that his wife is a spy.
“We need a graphic that reads “spies are unfit moms”
You got that right….
He even suggests calling child services. Joel’s boss is the new best character. Joel spills coffee on the computer, thus getting rid of the evidence. Then he rips up the tape, to protect the wife and whatever.
But he’s also fired., This movie has annoying parts, cliché parts, and just straight up boring parts. I almost miss the time puns..
He bumps into Mom and we get THAT scene. You know what scene. The whole “secret identity revealed’ thing where the guy is all like “WHY” and she’s like “REASONABLE ARGUMENT” and he’s like “WAAAAAH”
“You’re the man I loved”
“I’m the man without a job”
Hey, you trashed that tape, dude.
My god, is this, dull cliché, and boring. I wish the world would just end…oh wait, It is! Time is speeding up…yeah I forgot that, too. Seriously, some times it goes by very fast but it seemed fine during the last 20 minutes or so.
“The mayans got it right when they predicted the end of the human calendar”
God, it’s funny to look back at the Mayan thing now that it’s 2013..
Anyway, back at the OSS, Jeremy piven talks about the Armageddon device…aka the Welles Experiment. GET IT?! It’s some time travel thing that they keep under lockdown, and the bad guys want it.
So they call in..
JUNI! Finally, geez. He actually retired…AGAIN! They actually made the minor plot in spy kids 3 pointless, now that it’s being done again here! At least it’s given weight this time..
So why did Juni leave again and all that jazz? Carmen kind of asks where he’s been, but they don’t explain why. At least at the end of spy kids 2, we could assume he didn’t want the hassle, but after part 3, we don’t see WHY he would ever leave!
See, this is why Carmen, is, and will always be, the best Spy Kid. But, on the bright side, we get some of the bickering the 3rd film was lacking. Infact, the Carmen/Juni thing is doing exactly what part 3 should have done…and it Is cliché, but it actually feels like Spy kids!
…And then we cut to the new spy kids, as they are staying at OSS, rather than getting to save the world. At this point, why even ground them or anything? Rebecca even points out that they can help!
Hell, Danger D’Amo, the Jeremy Piven guy I mentioned, comes in to say they are great.
“You take after your mom”
You’ve literally had moments with her, showing a connection. STOP. ACTING. LIKE. A LITTLE. FUCKING. BRAT.
Even Danger agrees with me. But then Cecil randomly says Danger D’amo is an Anagram for Armageddon.
“You’re the time keeper!”
WHAT A TWEEST!
At least it would be if I cared. Also, he, Timekeeper, and Tick-tock are all Jeremy Piven. That’s a dead giveaway. Also if Danger leads the OSS, then what happened to Clooney? In Spy kdis 3, he said he kind of ruled the US ready, so he came out as the actual president. So did Danger replace him as OSS leader?
How did Timekeeper here get in? THIS MAKES NO SENSE.
“The head of the good guys is the head of the bad guys? I did not see that coming”
That’s cuz you are an idiot.
Danger locks them in, and they call Alba who is sneaking into the bad guy’s place. They tell Alba what happened, but she doesn’t buy it. However, they soon do when they find a trap in the bad guy’s place, and they show up.
“Hello agents, you’re right on time”
Time puns: 12
Danger reveals himself to Alba, Carmen, and Juni.
See, Alba and crew thought that Timekeeper took that Armageddon thing and went to his place to get it. But it was all a trap, and the bad guys went over to tell them that it’s back at OSS.
So didn’t he get it as Danger since he had access to it for this long? And why go over here if you could snatch it whiled the spies are gone, thus giving them less time to stop you?
THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!
Anyway, he has a watch that freezes all OSS agents, and he leaves. But Juni isn’t frozen cuz he doesn’t have a badge. Glad to see the women were useless!
We learn that some timezones have lost time and are frozen. I was wondering what if some time zones went faster…but wait, Timekeeper used his thingy to speed time up until it gets frozen? Why didn’t he freeze it all at once? At what point does time freeze?
Again, this movie makes no sense.
The kids aren’t frozen , as they aren’t agents, so Juni calls them and asks for their help. Meaning, the kids must work together.
And…they are okay with this. Now they stop fighting cuz…DERPY. FUCKING. DOO. Jesus, for a movie full of cliches it sure does them badly!
“Spy kids. Spy Dog. Spy baby”
The baby then farts. Wait, NOW Alba leaves the baby while she does spywork? Anyway, Juni fiddles with Alba and Carmen’s badges, thus unfreezing them. And…then they get trapped in a giant hourglass. Smooth.
Juni and carmen talk, and Juni says he left to strike out on his own, even though mom and dad left the family business to them. He didn’t want to work with his sister.Yeah, cuz it’s not like you bonded very well in spy kids 2, and even 3. No, leave cuz that PI thing worked so well. My god, even when this movie does something I like, it fucks it up!
Anyway, long story short, Rebeca and Cecil pretend to give up when the goons show up. So they are captured, and the world’s only hope is Joel Mchale. I like those odds.
Oh, and cuz I need to show you another funny bit, they took Cecil’s hearing device, and Rebecca says it’s a hearing aid, so the bad guys give it back.
“‘We’re not monsters”
‘You’re only trying to end the world”
See, another funny line!
But wait, they don’t want to destroy the world or stop time with the device? Nope! That Armageddon thing was supposed to travel back in time!
DOOFENSHMIRTZ: back story time!
The Timekeeper’s dad was working on the Welles project. But Timekeeper made the mistake of playing in a lab, and he was frozen by the device.
‘He spent years trying to free me. I watched him grow up and eventually…die”
I know this looks like an actually tragic moment, but I bet they’ll fuck it up in a sec. A meteor came down with a thing called The chrono sapphire and with it, they unfroze him. But everything he cared about was long gone.
So all these years he’s been trying to go back in time and prevent himself from being frozen. Okay…that’s a decent villain backstory. Certainly better than spy kids 3..
He even goes on to say he rarely spent time with dad, and this taught him that time is fragile and WAIT A MINUTE. Is that bit..a. Way to teach the kids and mom a lesson about spending like with the Joel bit earlier?
SON OF A BITCH. The decent villain part was ruined by a tie to a cliché plot bit! Sure, the villain’s side of it is neat, but that tie in? No thanks.
“You can’t actually travel through time”
If you can go inside a video game, you can go back in time.
“Time stays the same. You’re just creating different versions of yourself that appear in different points in time”
“You’ve tried this before. A lot.”
Then it turns out Tick-tock is the timekeeper.
“This isn’t the very 1st time you traveled back. Everytime you return, you come back worse”
All of his masked henchmen turn out to be timekeeper.
“Each time your plan fails, you tried again with another you. But you can’t change the past.”
I bet you think this makes no sense. Well, that’s only cuz IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! I just…WHAT?! So he’s gone back in time…but then he came back…and there’s more…and it’s causing the speed up…but he hasn’t figured this out…and Cecil knows and..E2.WEWGFWEFGEWWGRG-
One mental breakdown later.
Okay…okay. This makes no sense at all, but let me explain something. I love a good time travel movie. I love how confusing they get, and all the pardoxes. But what makes Back to the future, or Meet the robinsons work while this does not?
Well, you see there’s a different between good confusing, and bad confusing. The time travel logic in say Looper, doesn’t make much sense and it’s very complex. However, the logic itself is very well written, and you actually care about what is going on. They actually try to explain everything, even if it doesn’t make much sense. You had a connection with the story before it became confusing.
So even though it’s confusing, you find it fun to try and make sense of it. You take joy in figuring it out. This? NOPE!
It makes so little sense, and is explained so poorly, that it becomes too confusing./ And cuz the story is so badly written, you don’t care. It’s not fun to make sense of. It’s a chore. But the movie makes you do it! But you can’t . At all.
Rant over. Rebecca talks about her old mom and that you have to treasure those special moments, and not dwell on the past and blah blah blah. They are making the villain good again, but only with a better explanation than spy kids 3.
‘It’s not about how much time you have. But what you choose to do with it”
I watched this movie. Clearly, the message isn’t coming through to me. Anyway, Carmen, Juni, and Alba show up to save the day, as the time vortex opens.
But then time goes cuckoo and everyone in the world freezes except the bad guys…and the kids.
Also, Danger clearly doesn’t care about that lesson, and tries to jump in the time portal. And guess what? It works, and he’s with his dad! So much about that confusing shit.
Dad doesn’t question this, and they shake hands. Then Timekeeper pops up with the kids as an old man.
‘You can’t go back. I tried. My father still died”
Okay, I guess I could explain why that line and his logic makes no sense…but my god, I am so confused, and the movie is almost over. But I will question why Danger expected his dad to…not die this time. I mean, his plan was just to make up for lost time, not have him live forever.
“You have to live life moving forward. Not back”
He disables the device but Tick-tock is still at large. Wait, but he’s the same guy as time-I DON’T CARE.
‘We’re just gonna keep doing this?”
We’ll make spy kids movies forever!
…Then Joel shows up.
‘Time is on my side!”
Time Puns: 13
Time puns: 14
Not sure what took him so long, but whatever. He beats up Tick-tock. Also, He’s coped with the spy thing cuz the script says so. They all hug.
Carmen and Juni say they will bring back the spy kids division, and they need new recruits. Then the baby has her first steps.
‘You are more impressed by a baby’s steps then a dog who can talk?”
Oh hey, the dog is back.
Also, the baby flips a bad guy. I don’t care at this point. We cut to the new spy kids choosing new recruits.
‘I declare you all, spy kids”
Roll credits. Again, no real resolution that makes me happy. But who cares? IT’S OVER.
So, that happened. And it sucked. The plot is incredibly bad, as it rehashes the first movie, without even one ounce of the charm. It packs in tired spy cliches, with even worse cliches that are packed in without any care. All that time travel confusion is crap for reasons already explained.
The characters are dull, one dimensional, and just aren’t charming or funny. The acting is…passable I guess, but they don’t sound…fun. The villain isn’t even funny. Sure, he gets a backstory but it makes no sense and it’s cliché.
The kids themselves aren’t fun, and Cecil has NO PERSONALITY to speak of. Joel is wasted, though he is the best actor in the movie.
Sure, it has bright spots, such as Carmen being hot, there being a carmen/juni thing, and a semi interesting villain backstory. All things Game over was missing. However, each of those things goes by the wayside in favor of crap…Except for the Carmen is hot thing, that stays cool.
It tries to feel more like a Spy kids movie than 3, but it becomes like a bad knock off. Sure, it has more meat than 3 but it brings even worse things with it. And if I see another fucking shit joke, or time pun, I’ll scream.
It’s easily the worst film in the series. I hope we never get a Spy kids 5…or at least have Alexa Vega’s character in machete kills turn out to be carmen and she kills people. Please?
There, are you pleased demon?
…He says yes. He also says he will finally leave me alone for awhile. I was gonna tell him off in an epic fashion until he decides to be reasonable. But this is fine too.
Well, that’s enough demon play for now. The school year is wrapping up for me, so why don’t we celebrate…next time?