Hello, Spongey here.
Are you wondering where I’ve been? Well, don’t cuz I’m fine. Ignore my last review, with the…police note. I’m okay! I wasn’t captured…nope.
How okay? So okay I’ll go back to reviewing shit! And we’ve got a good one today. Let’s talk about Robert Rodregiez. Since I grew up not knowing anything, I associated him with really dumb kids movies. But then I found out that he made really cool films before that!
He was…respected! This astounded me. What can we blame for Shorts, and Sharkboy and Lavagirl? Why, Spy Kids of course! It all started with a nice film about two kids who become spies and all that jazz.
It was a big hit with da kidz so Robert kept making these kids movies. Though to be fair, the first two films were actually pretty decent. They didn’t talk down to kids, did not have many shit/fart jokes, and they were a lot of fun. But then…this one came along.
I’ve heard it was the beginning of the end for Robert, but before this review, I had only seen the fourth one. I’ll get to that crap eventually. So for this review, I watched one and two, and now I’m ready for 3!
The first sin, before we even start, is that it is one of the earliest gimmick-y 3D films in the early 2000’s., though I will be watching it in 2D. Not that the 3D will make it any better.
Let’s not beat around the bush. I’m not being…forced or anything, but I gotta do this thing.
This, is Spy Kids 3D: Game Over
The movie opens with the boy Spy Kid, Juni as he is trying to be noir for some reason. In the last movie, he quit the spy game cuz derpy doo. So now he’s a PI.
“A gum shoe”
He says this as he steps in some gum. Right away, I see the humor of the first two is long gone. He’s a waterpark dumping exposition on a young Selena Gomez. We flashback to earlier as he waiting in line for a hot new game called Game over.
He has his piggy bank with him But he sees a charity sign meaning he may actually spend it on something helpful instead. Then a news guy says prizes will go to the first guy to beat Level 5, so he goes back in line.
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
He spills his money all over, and he narrates that things have been lame since he left the OSS. Yeah, like I implied, it didn’t make much sense in last film, but now I really wonder why the hell he left.
So he heads back to his place, where Emily Osment shows up. I’d make a lame Cyberbully joke, but nah. She was in the 2nd film, as “Gert Giggles”, daughter of that films villain, but she was good by the end and blah blah blah.
He tells her he hasn’t seen Carmen in awhile, and the parents are out on missions. Gerti suggests joining the OSS again.
“I’m 9 years old, with nowhere to go but up”
Yep, with classics like…Hannah Montana.
“Everyone’s your family”
“That makes no sense”
See, you’re catching up. Gerti leaves, and George Clooney the president calls in. The OSS really needs him, as Carmen is missing.. Okay, first sin: All about Juni. No thanks.
As we’ve seen, he has gone from weak actor but decent character to the exact opposite. Carmen however, was good on both counts but now she will be gone for most it. Great. He goes to the OSS HQ, and finds out that the villain of the last movie is a good guy. How?
Never explained, he’s just good. Lame!
“She worked me over pretty good”
Sex jokes I could have made: 1
Anyway, we find out that Game over is a trap, making it impossible to get kids to stop playing. It was made by “The Toy maker” who plans to use this to, you guessed it, take over the world. No, I won’t do it this time.
Carmen went inside the game, via virtual reality to stop this, but got trapped. Juni agrees to go inside the game and stop it. Well at least we have a more tangible good vs evil plot this time, but it’s shaping up to be kind of lame.
The Toymaker was trapped in Cyberspace long ago, and made the game to help escape via players who reached Level 5.Juni puts on glasses to activate the 3D, I mean the game.
Yes, it’s a game, so I see why it looks fake, but it still looks really dodgy.. The obvious 3D shots don’t help either. Right away, he falls down a sewer hole and loses a life. Great, a character I don’t like dies but comes back to life right after.
He runs into 3 other kids, who turn out to be Beta Testers. Yes, Beta testers inside the game days before release. Logic?
The main guy introduces himself as Rez.
OBVIOUS JOKE FOR THE LOSE.
He is given one lifeline, meaning he can bring in someone from the outside to help him. Of course, he chooses his gramps, again played by KAHHHHN himself, Ricardo Montalban.
Sadly, this would be his last live action film role. Thankfully, his real last film was The Ant Bully, which is a better send off.
Kahn says he knows the Toymaker.
“I’ve been hunting him down for 30 years”
This guy never has good luck hunting down his enemies, does he?
Anyway, Kahn finds a power up that gives him control of his legs, and a cool suit. Juni picked him cuz his lack of legs means everything else is better. This flushes that down the toilet. Great.
Kahn walks away, leaving Juni to find level 2. He stumbles upon on an Arena where he has to fight in a robot suit to get to level 2. Sure, why not, it’s not like this movie was holding my interest before this detour.
He has to fight a girl named Dimetra, who serves as a love interest, cuz I guess he dumped the president’s daughter. Man, this movie has bad continuity.
The 2nd film continued the story well, but this throws it all away! Also, this movie feels like a bad video game. I know it’s all in a game, but you can do that without feeling so fake, and lame. So far, isn’t not so much awful as just…lame. But maybe that’s cuz I’ve seen the 4th one…ugh.
Anyway, Juni kicks ass and moves on to level 2. Also, Sly talks to his buddies…who are also played by Sly. He hams it up, and it’s clear he’s having fun with the role. Sure, this got him a razzie but…it’s the best part of the movie so far.
Juni meets the beta-testers again who believe he is a player named “The Guy”, who can supposedly beat Level 5. If he’s “The Guy” and he’s in a game, He’s just gonna die. A lot.
Rez doesn’t buy it, so they have a mega race. Geez, this plot is so thin they have to go on pointless detours just to pad it out! Imagine the pod race from Episode one being slightly more interesting, and you get this unexciting race scene.
Long story short, Juni wins. Dimetra shows up to confirm that he is The Guy. Oh, and Grandpa Kahn showed up too, and Juni covers up the grandpa thing.
“I must talk with the wizard of…Atariseganendo”
Lame. Since Juni has “Guy” powers, Kahn suggests they work together to beat the game. They get to Level 3, but they bump into The “programmers” who bumped the beta testers to level 1 before.
“Don’t split up, it never works”
First smart line in the movie! Sadly, they do though Demetra sticks around and tells Juni she knows he’s not the real Guy. They talk about finding a shortcut to level, and the passengers don’t like this. Thankfully, Kahn is here to be awesome.
This isn’t a game. IT’S LIFE”
–Juni finds a power pack, but gives it to Demetra. Yep, more of that really dull, under written romance! He says he owes her after the robot thing, but I think Juni needs it a bit more, don’t you think?
Anyway, the next challenge has Juni having a one on one fight with Beta tester Arnold. Winner moves on, but the loser gets Game over and will leave the game. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Arnold wants to use that big prize to get his family out of poverty, so he wants to kick juni’s ass.
Finally, an attempt at character stuff…and it’s still lame, cliché, and under written. I think a sister TRAPPED is more important than his plight. However, before the fight can get, you know, fun, Demetra switches places with Juni then dies.
For such a capable girl, she does suck at this. Sure, this is an EPIC SACRIFICE but in the grand scheme of things, she should have at least tried. Whatever, time for the personality-less character who had no chemistry with anyone to go away. I
mean, yes, I applaud this dumb movie for trying to be serious for a minute, but when the relationship is THIS badly written, it falls flat. Anyway, they make to level 4 and finally meet up with Carmen.
Okay, jump to your big twist, don’t get properly reacquainted or anything.
“We have to teach Grandpa that revenge is not the way to solve anything”
I’d make another Kahn parallel but nah. Anyway, to reach level 5, they must cross lava mountain.
“Why must every video game have lava in it?”
FUNNY JOKE ALERT.
“There’s no lava in Halo”
And…you ruined it. After some complex bullshit I won’t explain, they go lava surfing. But then they crash and end up under the lava…and don’t burn. Infact, they can swim in it just find, and even find the door to level 5. Whatever, at this point I don’t care.
Arnold says he read in the game Manuel that there is a deceiver who will take you on a wrong path, and he thinks it’s Juni. Speaking of, it turns out Juni didn’t tell the beta testers about the whole…toymaker using game to take over world thing. What, they didn’t know this already?
If they know of the toymaker and how he controls things, they should know this by now. Anyway, Juni tells them and they don’t want him to shut down the game cuz..derpy doo?
hey all bow to him after a cliché speech. He busts open the door…and then he dies. Told ya the guy would just die. So anyway, they move on…cuz death isn’t a big deal, I guess.
Here, they bump into Demetra, and the switch to shut down the game.
“How did you survive?”
“There was a glitch in the game, I don’t know!”
I think that’s how the writer explained it.
“I’m his girlfriend”
After one day. Sure, why not. Oh, and Carmen reveals that she is the Deceiver put in the game to make level 5 unwinable.
And through her, the toymaker could control the kids and blah blah. This would be shocking if this characters weren’t so damn dull. With that, the toymaker unleashes some mayhem. Before interesting things can happen, the kids quickly see the exis portal.
Hey sly, maybe next time don’t put the exit portal so close to the capture spot, eh? Demetra holds the door open so they can all leave. So that’s the end of her, I guess. Wow, she sure was a freaking pointless, uninteresting character.
So the other kids leave, but Kahn wants to stay since he can freaking walk now. You know, the stuff going on with Grandpa is the only thing resembling interesting character stuff.
Who is willing to bet they’ll ruin it somehow? Kahn then tells Juni he will go back, but only if Juni treats him like a hero, just as in the game.
They make it home, having finally shut down the game. …Or not. As it turns out, there were two switches, and Kahn pulled the one that releases the toymaker. Whoops.
“Who was the idiot who designed that?”
FUNNY JOKE ALERT. As it turns out, Kahn did it on propose. He let that revenge get to his head, and now the movie must never end. President Clooney tunes in, but he has turned into President Stallone Yes, you see Clooney do Sly for a bit. It’s awesome.
Ahem, you see Robert Rodreguiz met Trjeo and wanted to make a grind house tribute called Machete with him as the star. However, that fell through at the time, so he put a fake trailer for in the movie Grindhouse.
Before that, he put a kid friendly version of Trejo’s character in Spy kids. Then Machate was made into a awesome, bloody movie.
So yeah, Machete, technically takes place in the spy kids universe. That. is. AWESOME.
It turns out the formerly capable family can’t handle this, so they bring in the pointless callback cameos. This mean Alan cumming’s Floop, Bill paxton’s cowboy guy, and Steve Buscemi.
Wow, there’s a lot of repeat actors in this movie: Salma Hayek, Emily osement, Selena Gomez, Elajah wood, Antonio Banderas, Ceech, Alan Cumming, and now Steve.
Also, ever wanted to see Bill paxton brand a robot’s ass? This is the movie for you.
They trash the robots, but the STALLONE-BOT still remains. Kahn goes inside the robot to face Stallone.
You know how these movies to love un-villainizing the villains? Floop turned out to be a wimp with Minon being the baddie, Mike Judge was a wimp too, and Hayek shaped him up in this one…and now Kahn will turn the Toymaker to good with a speech.
He talks about all the good things that came out of Toymaker’s mistake. It turns out, he wanted to talk to him to forgive him. Wow, that’s so lame and cliché I might throw up.
Also, what did Sly do to get him in a wheelchair? Was he a really cool guy before turning evil? Why is he evil? EXPLAIN!
Without even thinking, Stallone accepts that and shuts down the robot. This movie strives to destroy any good that can come out of it. The only attempt at character is now ruined., yay!
“It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game”
You played it badly.
Stallone joins the family, NO ONE questions this, no one refuses to trust him, they accept this twist,. They yell “TO FAMILY” and…the credits roll.
…Really? That’s the end? WHAT A LOAD!
I’m not joking, it ends that fast! No climax, no payoff, no NOTHING!
The only good thing about this is seeing the credits…cuz It has some funny bloopers. Where Clooney says this:
“This is gonna be the end of my career’
At least he’s honest.
Well, that sucked. Though to be honest, it’s not as torturous or annoying as some other movies, it was still pretty empty. The first two films weren’t masterpieces, but they were fun, had interesting themes, interesting characters, and a sense of fun.
This movie however, is flat out lame. It’s colorful, bright, and fast paced yet, I was still bored.
First off, the characters. The first 2, had fun, interesting characters. This one however, does not. The new guys are completely lifeless with no personality, and are not given good materiel.
Even The toymaker makes for a lame villain, despite some hammy acting. The original characters fare even worse. The family is rarely seen, Carmen is gone for most of it, and Juni is now a brat with all his personality wiped clean.
On top of that, the whole thing with him leaving is POINTLESS as he joins back without question, and he doesn’t seem to wrap things up with Carmen.
One of the reasons Spy Kids worked so well was the chemistry between Juni and carmen, as well as the family. However, this movie has none of that, and what we get is …nothing.
The plot had potential, but it gets bogged down in cliches, and some really glaring plot holes. Seriously, nothing about the toymaker and his plan makes sense. Plus, the CGI is awful, and the 3D is really obnoxious.
The whole thing feels …fake, like a bad video game where you don’t have the controller. The first two films had some depth, and even development.
This…has nothing. Hell, it’s not even funny. There are very little jokes, and while there are a few chuckles, the other jokes fail. It’s not a god-awful film, as it’s mostly just dull and it’s not annoying for the most part.
However, it is a giant step down, and it’s just a dull mess. It leaves so little of an impression, it’s almost non-existent.
This game, is lame.
There, done! I think I’ve pleased the dem-…i mean uh…nothing. Yeah..oh hey look, I just got package with a note.
Let’s see what it says…
DEAR SPONGEY, So you didn’t think it was that awful, eh? Well, it looks like my work is not yet done! I want you to suffer! So thus, a worse movie is enclosed. You will pay!
Oh shit. Wait, did I just tell you what the letter says…revealing stuff I didn’t want to say?
Oops…Well, I won’t review this! I mean, what could happen if I don’t?! … I just heard a loud rumble punctuated by a roar.
Okay…maybe I should listen to him.
I mean, what could be THAT bad?
(TO BE CONCLUDED)