Hello, Spongey here. Welcome back to Toon’d out month 2!
You may think i’m cheating with this one. After all, it’s really based on a doll. But said dolls have had many animated spin offs, which were just as well know as the dolls when this movie came out.
Plus, wikipedia counts it, so there. It’s a live action adaptation. I’m of course talking about the Bratz toyline. It was started in 2001, and they were hugely popular with girls. Here’s a little peek at what exactly these dolls were like
Yeah, i’ll say it now: I fucking Hate Bratz. First off, the name. Brat is very negative term, and not a good thing to call a kid. And yet, these dolls are market at little girls. The dolls have attracted controversy for looking like whores and teaching bad morals to kids. Well, that’s why I fucking hate bratz.
I normally don’t care about this kind of stuff, but these …things, seriouslyn they look like they are not doing any good for little girls. At least Barbie is sort of safe. These things? Not so much.
“Bratz dolls come dressed in sexualized clothing such as miniskirts, fishnet stockings, and feather boas. Although these dolls may present no more sexualization of girls or women than is seen in MTV videos, it is worrisome when dolls designed specifically for 4- to 8-year-olds are associated with an objectified adult sexuality. “
Exactly quote I found on wikipedia. No matter what they say, these dolls do teach little girls to act like a typical alpha bitch, and that’s not good. But whatever, I don’t care as long as they stay dolls.
But nope, they didn’t Because 2007 some dumbass had an idea to make it in a live action movie. How bad was it? It was nominated for 5 razzies, it is on tv tropes’ so bad it’s horrible page, and ani-mat claimed it to be the worst live action adaption ever.
Yikes. This is gonna hurt…but I must do it.
This, is Bratz: The MovieThe movie opens with our Bratz getting out of bed and doing the ever so popular getting dressed montage. This is Cloe, Yasmin, Sasha, and Jade. None of the actresses playing them are well known and well, I can see why no one would cast them in anything after this.
You know how I said peaches from ice age 4 was every teen ever? She looks original compared to these ladies. We got them talking about pointless teen shit, and deliver it very flatly to boot.
Not much to say, it’s boring and annoying. Then again, I am not a girl. Well, I think I’m not anyway. We see one of the Bratz hanging around her house, and I think she is mexican. How can I tell? Well besides the obnoxiously gratuitous spanish, there is a-
…really? REALLY?! How racist can you get it?
Then we see sasha, who is black, but thankfully, is not racist. Oddly, enough these are the only home lives we see before heading to school. Well, sort of, at the parking lot, we do see jade with her mother. By the way, jade is Asian and she is super smart and her mom pressures her into doing smart-y things.
Is this the most racist movie ever or what?
So this is one of those schools where people fart around outside for some reason and we see that Cloe is blonde and clutsy . Yay, stereotypes!
“I’m owning science”
Cue annoying record scratch
“Don’t lose your passion for fashion!”
…this is gonna hurt.
So we meet sort of Alpha bitch Merditch,. Played by Chelsea Kane, whom I now know from fish hooks…and that one jona brothers show. She wants everyone to be in a clique, as if this can’t get anymore cliché.
She is sitting at a table in the parking lot basically telling everyone where to hang out, and NO ADULT IS THERE TO STOP THIS. And no kid does either!
Well okay, the princpal shows up, played by
Jon Voightt?! Really?! This guy is a famous actor, who has won an /ocar/ and here he is in…this?! My god…no wonder he got a razzie nom for this.
He is Meredith’s dad of course, and he’s…okay with the cliques. And she pretty much acts like a bitch to him, and tellls him not to talk to her during school hours.
9 minutes. 9. and I have a feeling I won’t survive the rest of these 102. oh, and one of Meredith’s’ goons is played by Anneliese van der Pol, who I know from that’s so raven.
Her role in vampires suck was an upgrade compared to this.
The Bratz walk by dressed all “cool” and this does not impress miss alapha bitch. They all go to class, and Jade is a big hit in science thanks to having boobs. Her obligatory archetype of being smart is odd since she looks as slutty as the rest of them.
Next, Sasha goes to cheer leading try outs, which leads to more “bitchy teen spouting shitty slang and overall being stereotypical” crap. So far, this has been half the movie. And it’s only been 13 minutes.
Yasmin bumps into a deaf kid. Oh great, mexican, Asians, now deaf people.
“You don’t sound deaf”
“You don’t look ignorant”
At lunch, alpaha bitch (fuck it, that’s what she is) tries to sit them by the cliques, but they don’t want that. So they walk past her and just hang out. Of course we get the whole “alpha acting more like a bad cartoon” villain shit, that could be funny with a good writer, but due to it being both cliché, and badly written, it is tiresome.
“Really super awful”
Hey, the movie reviews itself!
However, the girls end up in cliques anyway. Cloe with soccer players, Jade with science nerds, sasha with cheerleaders, etc.
So anyway, a week later, the girls plan to hang out, as their busy schedules prevented hang out time. One shows up at Sasha’s house, only to find that she is busy with cheerleading friends. Oh boy, it’s that cliché.
There isn’t really much of a plot so far. Teen bullshit, an alpha bitch, and weak cliches. Even the most cliché films had things HAPPEN at this point!
And…it cuts to two years later. Oh great, a timeskip. The Bratz have now drifted apart into their cliques fully. Wow, they tried for all of 2 minutes to avoid this, and despite that chick’s sadness, it seems she never tried to stop this. Our hero’s, ladies and gentlemen!
Alpha Bitch is now student body present, and tells everyone about the upcoming talent show. The prize is a college scholarship.
“You can post your auditions on myspace..”
Amazing non-dated 2007 references!
Anyway, why should I care these friends drifting apart? None of them had a personality, all they did was giggle and talk shit, and they had little reason for being friends outside of a “passion for fashion”. So yeah, this doesn’t work.
Chloe does try to connect with jade. Yeah, it only took your 2 years to try. This of course doesn’t work.
And then there’s a jock playing a paino, and a teacher applauds him for not doing a jock thing, and then the jock talks about music passion..
What the hell? Did I just turn on a different movie?! What does this have to do with anything, besides that dumb “moral”?!
Then he and the teacher play around and it cuts to the alpha bitch. ..okay, i’m not calling BLAM on that yet…but still!
So Alpha bitch’s boy slave starts talking to cloe, so she sics her dog on her. This makes Cloe drop her lunch on jade, setting off a chain reaction which affects the rest of the Bratz.
This makes them all bitch at each other, and who gives a fuck. This also starts a food fight, with no charlie sheen to be found. In the fight, a statue head of Principal Voightis destroyed and the bratz are caught guilty.
They all end up with dentition, which means more bickering. This plot, If you can even call it that, is so damn clunky. Shit just kind of happens for no reason, and it barley resembles a coherent narrative, so much as many episodes of a bad sitcom.
“At least I don’t buy my friend with my daddy’s bank account!”
“Cuz you don’t have a dad or a bank account!”
Oh yeah, divorce. That’s in this movie now.
One yells at them to stop it, which leads to the ever so popular FORCED EMOTIONAL MOMENT. Forced, due to these characters have no personality, or chemistry. That and it’s very rushed, at the 30 minute mark, and it feels very slapped on.
“We were a team!”
Mind showing us examples? Cuz all you did was giggle and dress like whores. This is basic character writing, guys!
Also, what is the thing that brings them together? Passion for fashion. In other words MATERIALISM. Just saying. Also, if cloe is the clumsy one, why is she good at asoc-
THE EXTRA SHITTYNESS IS FLOODING BACK TO ME.
They mention examples of helping each other, but it comes across as forced, and on screen, we never see proof. Show, don’t tell!
They realize what the cliques are doing to them, and all that jazz. WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE. None of them were acting pompous about their cliques or like bitches. They were just hanging out with people of similar interests.
But this movie acts as if not hanging with your main friends, who you only bond with over clothes, is a bad thing. So the moral is: Don’t hang out with people you share interests with!
Bull. Fucking. Shit. Don’t get me wrong, cliques aren’t exactly good, but the way THESE CHARACTERS were acting within them were fine. So my point stands!
“We can be friends and do our own thing”
So now there’s a moral I can stick with…but AGAIN, the writing still misses the mark. So they kiss and make up. Movie’s over, right? WRONG.
Even though the movie’s main conflict was solved, it moves on. That really felt like a half hour tv episode just then. It concludes like one…yet we move on, as the alpha bitch sees this through a security camera.
“Ad those bimbats wouldn’t be-”
Stop. YOU KNOW-FOR. FUCKING. KIDS.
Anyway, we got that talent show plot now. With that comes the bad auditions montage! But it does lead to an actually funny line:
“If I see another Violin contortionist, i’m gonna scream”
At lunch, the clique friends invite their respect person to hang out, but they decline. So much for “friends and do our own thing”.
I must admit…the part where the bratz going to sit by themselves, without a clique , is treated like an EPIC deal, with big music….is pretty funny. Intentional or not!
Nothing happens, so they go to plan B: Making friends with those of other cliques, thus meddling with the fabric of high school. So we have a montage of them doing so, and blah blah,.
So we cut to alapha bitch at home with her little sister.
“I’m trying to imagine you with a personality”
I never got that insult. Makes no freaking sense. Anyway, alpha bitch plans with her goons, and she plans to throw another sweet 16, to raise her popularity. OR, you could use your tiny bit of control, or power left to tell everyone to stop. Just saying.
“i’ll have MTV tape the whole thing!”
As if this movie couldn’t get any worse…
Oh, and Yasmin’s brother shows up, and as it turns out, he hangs with the little sister. He is likely a few years older than her. Little sister is 11.
Need I say more?
Anyway, since the dude is Yasmin’s sister, Alpha bitch wants to use that fact. He shows her a video he recorded on his high tech flip phone, of yasmin and mom singing from earlier.
The Bratz learn of this party and plan to go cuz LOGIC. Cloe doesn’t want to go, as she can’t afford anything good to wear. So she’s poor. Yeah poor people can afford her semi okay clothes, and laptop.
And really, that’s why? It’s the party of someone who hates you! You don’t think maybe she wouldn’t want you there?
Sasha gives her some coupon, and problem solved. SUSPENSE One shopping montage later, Alpha Bitch announces that her party will be split by the cliques, which means the bratz can’t come if they aren’t with said cliques.
So, they just won’t go. Again, SUSEPENSE! But sasha wants to go as it’s popular, which makes her a stupid bitch. Yay.
So Yasmin bumps into the deaf kid in the music room, and he compliments her singing. He “Felt” her voice which makes sense.
In idiot land.
‘Yeah you are”
HOW DID HE HEAR THAT?!
So the next morning, Cloe’s mom is sick but she needs to bake stuff for Alpha bitch’s party, so the bratz help. This has now turned into a pilot for a failed Bratz sitcom. Seriously.
ANOTHER montage later, mom needs new servers and again, they take on the job.
“What’s the worst that can happen?’
NEVER. SAY. THAT.
Alpha bitch makes them dress like clown’s. It’s like being the servers for a party hosted by someone who hates you was a bad idea!
But they just use a make up kit to make the group look cool, so they are popular at the party. Every problem that happens is solved so fast, it makes me question the point.
Alpha Bitch just gives them busy work. And as if it can’t get any worse…Alpha bitch breaks into song. Wait…she’s a villain…SO IT’S A VILLAIN SONG!
Thus, it’s…not that bad. Granted, the title, Fabulous, makes me want Bobbi Fabulous (or sharpay) to show up, but whatever. As a villain song, it’s alright. Plus it’s short, and it’s kind of fun, being a villain song.
Though the shortness does mean the best part of the movie passes quickly. After the song, Alpha Bitch lets Yasmin sing cuz…?. Well, she is quite nervous, so I guess she just tried to embarrass her. Yeah, she can’t get past stage fright in any way. She doesn’t know her cliches, does she?
But, she backs down. Alpha bitch instead shows that singing video. Oh boy, an awful racist joke is a plot point!
And then everyone starts dancing…okay? And alpha bitch is unahappy cuz fuck it I don’t care let’s just try to finish this. Thankfully, she stops this and moves on.
And in one funny moment, she goes “does everybody love me?”…then everyone goes silent. And she moves. Hilarious.
So uh, after a big moment was brushed off, Yasmin is told by the deaf kid that it’s fine, and I guess that makes everything better. Oh, and Alpha bitch’s little boyfriend dude tells her to fuck off.
She tries to confront him, but she just trips into cake. Then she falls into the pool. um. A little early for her complacence, don’t ya think? Especially when it wasn’t caused by our heroines.
“You guys ruined everything”
They did jack shit! Sure, Cloe talking to the boyfriend made him say fuck you, but iUd hardly call that a big thing. So after only one big event, she declares the party ruined and over.
Oh, there’s our title…and it’s used as a way to insult them. And it’s the only time the title makes sense! Imagine watching this without knowing what bratz is! You’d be wondering why they are called such a bad name, and this scene would only confuse you more!
So the movie moves to the next day,. so…that wasn’t the climax? The bitch being taken down at a party isn’t the climax? There’s more? WHEN WILL IT END?!
The next day the cliques are back…which is…
One mental breakdown later
Whew, that hasn’t happenedin awhile. But really?! After all that, still?! …So anyway, the cheerleaders basically tell Sasha that if she isn’t in their clique, she’s off the squad. LOGIC.
Same happens with the rest. So people still follow alpha bitch’s cliques, even after that? THIS SCHOOL FUCKING SUCKS.
Anyway, they figure they should win the talent show to fix all this. Yasmin is not happy with that.
YOU’RE JUST A CHICKEN, CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP
But,. She joins in on their plan to do a big epic number at the show, cuz cloe needs that scholarship. But, they still need a name..
“Well, if it isn’t the brats?”
Oh okay, now it makes sense…not. They are going to name themselves something that most people would like to NOT be called? Are they being ironic or just dumb?
One montage later, Alpha Bitch learns of the Bratz, and is not happy. So she calls up Yasmin and tells her to stop this or she’ll dig up dirt on the bratz. But she only wants yasmin to drop out cuz…DERPYFUCKINGDO. So, of course, she agrees-
What? OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLMEN.
So she tells the Bratz she won’t be in the show with them. You know, the others seem to be dancing/singing fine without her, so them just sucking it up and doing it isn’t out of the question. God, this Alpha bitch is dumb.
Yasmin lies and says she just finds the dancing thing stupid. Of course they are pissed off and it’s all very drawn out, forced and dumb. Thus, they ditch her.
This movie is REALLY a bunch of bad tv episodes stitched into a movie, and it feels incredibly bad, and so poorly written. All this forced drama is making my head hurt.
So “Bratz” is canceled…cuz one person dropped…out
…Sorry. I …wow, I shouldn’t be this angry but the writing is SOOOO BAD! And comes with a really boring “sad” scene too!
Yasmin tells this story to her mom, who isn’t getting angry and calling Alpha bitches dad and demands he stop all this. I hate everyone.
Anyway, The Bratz think and decide to asks Yasmin what is really going on. She tells them everything and they are okay with it. PROBLEM SOLVED MOVIE OVER BYE.
They move on with the show, cuz if they let the Alpha bitch scare them, it’s over. So we get some of the talent show, like a stand up comic. He’s not funny, next. The audience agrees.
Thus, the popular “bad talent show montage” yay. But then, comes, “Meredith and the meridettes”!
Yay, another villain song! Sadly, this isn’t as “good” as the last one,, as it feels less “evil”. But it’s certainty the best part of the movie ,sadly. But hey, it’s sort of catchy, and really, it’s the best alpha bitch villain song you’ll ge-wait there was a good one in high school musical 3. whoops!
Anyway, the audiences’ reactions isn’t all that hot, oddly enough. So they only clap normally when it’s over.
The show’s over…but then the Bratz show up, of course. But before they can go up, alpha Bitch pulls out the thing she was threatening yasmin with: a flash drive. She pops it in and there is a pic of Jade looking normal and smart, then one with her looking well less so. The way…she looks…now.
What’s the deal, again?
“I’m not either of the girls she showed you. Both…i love math…but I have a passion for fashion”
And,….people don’t know this already? It’s…obvious. Why does miss bitch think this is big news? Oh, it means we can get a hamfisted speech!
Next, alpha bitch says when Cloe’s mom needed a job, so she became bitch’s maid, then cloe stole her doll. Wait, how does that connect?
Cloe says she didn’t, then /bitch;’s sister says she did it. Then it cuts to everyone standing up and saying who they really are. Man, this is the worst alpha bitch ever!
With that, the Bratz break into song. It starts off “Meh” as you would expect. Oh, and the deaf kid is the DJ….LOGIC
But despite that, it’s a tie between the Bratz and the alpha bitch…and her daddy the Principal wants to hand the prize to her.
“And the scholarship goes to Bratz”
Oh, so they give the actual award to one, and the prize to the other Whatever, I don’t care. Loded dipper was better than both of them.
And by the law of teen movies, an agent shows up and tells the Bratz they have star power. So they get to be stars, and Cloe gets her scholarship. So the moral is…i don’t care, whatever moral there is got lost.
…and then it just ends. No real conclusion to any arcs, no actual epilogue…it just ends as the credits show another bad song.
Wait, why am I bitching? ITS OVER!
Going into this, I expected to hate it simply because of dumb teen drivel. But what I got…WAS SO MUCH WORSE.
This is an odd one, as the actual on screen stuff is bad, but the WRITING is what makes it awful. Usually, it’s just a bonus.
I already hated Bratz due to bad morals, and whore-ish looking girls. Well, they look like normal people,. But the franchise hasn’t gotten any better.
The entire thing is just every bad teen movie cliché rolled into one, with bad songs, and annoying attempts at being hip. On top of that, the characters are dull, cliché, and have no personality. This whole school makes no sense, and the romance that happens is also rally bad and forced.
The entire time, I was asking basic questions, and pretty much wondering how a school like this functions, and everyone is just an awful person. But my god, the plot. It’s awful.
It goes by fast, yet is still padded. Thing’s just HAPPEN for no reason, and every major plotline feels like an episode of a sitcom, and everything is so badly written and paced, that I wondered just how this made it to theaters!
Plus, racism, and stereotypes galore! I’ve already talked about how the moral are confused and jumbled, so I won’t repeat it. I rarely say something can ruin kid’s, but this the movie that can do it. It’s just trash, all around.
And…it bombed! Yes, even girls knew to stay away from this thing. I almost like today’s youth! …Almost.
I don’t need to go on. The character are dull, the story is a mess, and the acting is also very bad. WHY WAS JON VOIGHT IN THIS? HE DID NOTHING! Okay, Alpha bitch’s actor clearly had fun and if the movie was a bit better, I may have liked her.
While it may not be as…annoying on the outside as some other films i’ve done, it certainly has writing that is just as bad. This movie can go fuck itself.