Grown Ups

Basic CMYK

Grow up, Adam Sandler

Hello, Spongey here.

When I review a really bad movie, I make sure to review it as I watch it for the first time. But for this movie, I watched it on FX out of boredom.

I wish I had waited til now, cuz I don’t think I can get through it again. It’s that bad. I haven’t gotten truly angry at a movie in awhile, have I?

Well today, i’ll fix that. It’s not just a bad Adam Sandler movie, it’s an awful movie in general. So fair warning, if you hear news of him or his other buddies being killed, then just check my house

But if only Rob Schneider dies, check nick swardson’s house. Seriously, I think he’s replacing rob. Anyway, let’s just get this over with…

This, is Grown Ups

grown ups

So the movie starts in the 70’s with some kids winning a basketball championship. They celebrate at a rented lake house, with their coach, played by blake clark.

He gives a speech about how hard they worked to win and all that jazz.

I want you to play life just like you played that game today! So when that final buzzer of life goes off..”

I’ll break out the champagne! So anyway, that was inspiring…not, It was underwritten and cheesy. Get ready for a lot of that, kids.

Fast forward to 2010, where one of those kids sadly didn’t listen to the coach, as he grew up to be Adam sandler. Also, he gave birth to that kid from jessie and pablo from the backyardigans. WHY.

Sandler is a Hollywood argent, even though that doesn’t effect the plot. Yes, Adam sandler did write the script!

Greg and keithie, the kids are a bit spoiled as they play video games all day and just care about high tech stuff. Yep, it’s that story, only 10 times worse.

The game they are playing is a boat game 10 times funnier than going overboard. But we do get one of the only funny lines in the movie from sandler;

“I don’t get the goal of this game, you’re on a cruise ship, you chop people’s heads off…”

“And you can drown them!”

‘Oh okay, now I get it”

So anyway, the kid texts the nanny-

“You know how gross that is?”

Well sandler, i’d say it’s YOUR fault for spoiling them and going nothing about it. Hell, it’s not even  halfway through the movie that he puts a stop to it. No, don’t stop it when it gets this bad, stop it when it doesn’t matter. Fucking idiot.

And yes, it’s a “plot” point, compare this ot, let’s say, wimpy kid. Greg was like them, only his parents do try to get him to stop all the time, which is why he did do other things, and even knew about old stuff. So as much as he hated the outdoors, his parents did in the least, care.

Here? Nope. The blame is ALL on sandler for why they are freaking assholes. Anyway, they have an Asian nanny. OH JOY. (ALTERNATE/OBVIOUS JOKE: She has nothing on Debby Ryan of course.)

And yes, she is a stereotype .Fuck this movie. Oh sorry, we’re not up to that part yet. Thankfully, Sandler’s daughter interrupts…by trying to drive the car. Sandler should say:

THE KID IS DRIVING A CAR WHAT THE FUCK?”

But nope. He treats it like a cute mistake. Well, anyway, she explains why she was in the car…and..

“I was trying to use the navvy”

Sorry, the robots are running the navvy. Okay, i’ll stop

“You mean the navigation system, idiot.”

“Someone called, and said your friend coach buzzer went to heaven. I was trying to find heaven on the navvy so you can go visit him”

.

What.

This is a big moment, as their coach, who was important to them, is dead. And how do they break this news? With a LAME joke that doubles as a LAME sweet moments. UGH!

So the movie does it have it sink in…before they introduce our other characters. Fuck, i’LL do that for you

KEVIN JAMES:

grown ups FAT

HE’S FAT. Also, married to this:

hot

Life is cruel.

CHRIS ROCK:

chris rock

HE’S BLACK AND NOT MANLY. Also, his daughter is China Anne McClain . Cuz disney stars were in shit before they were even disney stars. Also, married to maya Rudolph.

DAVID SPADE:

david spade

HE’S KIND OF A DEAD BEAT- PERV. At least he’s not in drag this time…

ROB SCHNEIDER:

rob sch

HE’S ROB SCHNEIDER. Also, married to a much older woman.

There’s our cast. They have names, but fuck, I don’t care. Hell, the name of rob’s character? ROB. How lazy can you get?!

On top of that, the characters have no  dimensions outside of what I said, and rob barely has a personality outside being a butt monkey, being attracted to older woman…and you’ll see later.

So they head up to new England for the funereal, where we find out Sandler’s wife is Salama hayek.

sal mha

So to recap: Sandler is a Hollywood agent, is rich, and has an unattainable hot wife. Watch it, your ego is growing.

PATRICK: where?!

So the pals meet up and talk.

“This is good news, i’ve always wanted to represent you, you’re the third Olsen twin?”

“You’re a b cup now?”

“You look good, like elvis with a ooompa loompa”

Do you like lines like that, which sound like bad stand up? Get used to it. It’s 80 PERCENT OF THE DIALOUGE IN THE MOVIE

tTe movie trades actual joke for cliché stuff like HE’SFAT and lines like that. So during this too long scene, they exchange lame jokes about rob’s wife and everything else.

Oh, and sandler tells his buddies that the nanny is an exchange student cuz Asians=smart students. Why he is even covering this up, I have no idea.

Also, Selma is a fashion designer, and they cannot stay for the whole weekend because she has a fashion show in Milan. She doesn’t get why he even rented this cabin for the whole weekend since they are leaving the next day. And that’s cuz he can’t get it for just one day due to plot convenience.

“So you’re friends are partying all weekend while you’re stuck in dreary old milan. That was nice of you”

Do you care about that? Well neither do the writers cuz that’s being dropped, brought up, then fixed before you can say fuck.

So anyway, funereal time. Remember how in the mr deeds review, I praised that funereal speech for not having dumb jokes? Well, they were saving that for this movie!

But wait, we saw that the coach likely didn’t known them THAT well as he was addresseing the whole team, not just them, AND the church is filled with tons of people he knew personally, while sandler and pals had not seen him since school.

And sandler is speaking at his funereal. Film brain was right, his ego is out of control!

It starts “sweet” but..

“That’s impressive, judging from the talent we had to offer. Robby and marcus were actually shorter back then”

Yay, moment ruined! Not like there was much of a moment in the first place though..There’s more but fuck it, i’m skipping the rest. Trust me, you’re not missing much.

So after that, we cut to outside where the guys banter some more. Normally i’d love ‘friend slamming” banter but not only is it un-funny, it also makes up half of the “jokes” and it feels like a bunch of bad stand of comics who think they are funny, but are not.

We learn that rob is on his 4th wife, and yes, the fact that he had 3 others is important later. Also, more of that nanny shit. She is a POINTLESS character that exists for bad Asian stereotype jokes. Fuck this.

Anyway, Kevin jame’s son wants some milk from mommy…if you catch my drift. He is 4 years old. Comedy?

“We meant to stop but he likes it so much”

Give him real milk. Boom. Done. Half of the ‘plot points” in this movie pop up, vanish, then get resolved in a second.

Kevin also has a daughter who is also fat. Comedy? Whatever, they head up to the same lake house from the start. Lame jokes ahoy! A fly zapper enters the joke zone

“Where does it take them?”

hell”

‘Hey..”

“Okay not hell, mexico”

Lovely.

They banter about which room they get and it’s not funny. At one point, one of sandler’s kids sees a normal TV and …have no idea what it is.

that is some stone-age shiznit”

Forgetting the fact I heard a disney kid say that, they REALLY don’t know what an older tv looks like? Like I said, sandler is an awful parent. AND WHO SAYS SHIZNIT ANYMORE?

Oh, and chris rock’s granny is here, and I’ve forgotten about her cuz she is just lame and not useful. Where’s wanda skykes when you need her? Also, rob talks about maize which prompts lame jokes bashing rob.

He’s the butt monkey. Why? No idea. Besides the whole wife thing, he does nothing to earn this. Yes, it’s rob but he has no annoying voice, and rarely acts annoying, which makes him the least annoying part, as even david will get bad jokes later.

Granted, rob ends up with bad jokes but he rarely puts them out due to how boring he is. Yes, Rob Schneider is the LEAST annoying person. Be very afraid.

Also, kevin has a dog that had it’s vocal chords cut cuz the neighbor complained.

it was cut the chords or put him down”

wrong choice?”

That’s…just stupid and mean. Anyway, you may think there isn’t much plot yet..Well wait, i’m saving that rant for later.

Also, if Kevin was on the team and claims he was always outside, why is he fat? There’s no reasons for him to be fat…other than the obvious.  FAT IS FUNNY AND FUNNY MAKES MONEY.

Back to the spoiled kids, sandler forces them to play outside. So they take all the kids on a walk in the woods.They find a rope.

“We get to hang ourselves?”

Me first!

Nope, it’s a swinging rope. And of course, the fat guy tries it first. Spoilers, he bumps into a tree and falls down hard.

But he’s okay cuz PHYSICS

He also fools them into thinking his bone popped out by using a stick

“Ha, I gotcha!”

Oh, I must also say that they always laugh at the dumb jokes they make. DON’T. DO. THAT. Anyway, he landed on a bird and they walk away. It’s funny cuz he hurt a living animal.

In the next set piece, I mean scene, they are all at a restaurant, and after the fat joke, david says “wasted” and sandler tells his kids wasted is what happen you eat too much ice cream.

“U  wanna get chocolate wasted!”

huh. Oh, and Chyna says “ I wanna get wasted every single day of my life”. That would be a good clip to show to her next time you see her in anything else.

More lame jokes later, we learn the spoiled kids don’t know what tap water is. SERIOUSLY. This is beyond being spoiled, this is Sandler being a HORRIBLE parent!

Sandler runs into his old nemesis, Dickie-

GOING OVERBOARD FLASHBACKS AHHH-

Baileym  is still upset at Adam  because he allegedly had his foot out of bounds when he made the long-ago game winning shot. Dickie challenges him and his friends to a rematch, but Lenny declines.

And that will be dropped…until …well you’ll see. Ignoring that, Sandler tells his pals about the Milan thing and they are not happy. And of course the way it goes make Selema think Sandler doesn’t even care about Milian or whatever.

She storms off for a second, then tells Sandler that they are leaving once they spread coach’s ashes. By the way, with how she keeps moving in this bit, are they trying to make her even hotter? I mean geez, with how this movie is I have no idea if this was just how she walks or what.

Oh, and the next morning the vocal chord dog is barking,

“Can you kill the dog now?”

..I’m thinking about it”

That’s not funny. At all.

So after that, we get breakfast banter with the damn nanny, and rob abuse. Noticing a pattern here?

So then the boys row over to the island where they will spread the ashes. On the lake, kevin james stands up to piss in the lake. Lovely.

It gets even more lovely where this girls on a boat drive by and see this. Yes, it’s a BLAM but I pointed it out to show just how bad the humor is in this movie.

So they get to the island and spread the ashes in an almost somber moment. But then rob sticks his ash hand in the chicken bucket they are eating. Then…kevin james eats it anyway cuz he’s hungry.

Once again, they ruin a sweet moment with a dumb and again, sort of mean gag. I mean, wow, guys.

So now that we are 40 MINUTES IN and the ashes are spread, it’s time I reveal the main problem with this movie:

THERE’S. NO. STORY.

I mean, god, NOTHING HAPPENS. Even before this point, half of it was just these guys dicking around with lame jokes, and every time a plot came into play, the lame jokes got in.

The plot is not only paper thin, but after this the movie will become a series of comedic set pieces with lame jokes. Characters with no personality, and every typical joke in the book.

This is why this is the most grueling review I’ve ever done. So little happens in the story that I find myself skipping half the movie, and wasting time by picking on small moments that don’t matter, but in a movie like this, I have to.

So why am I going on? Because I need to get this movie off my chest. If I just don’t do the review, it’ll stay with me and since I have a blog, i’m going to use it!

So anyway, remember rob’s 3 marriages? Well he had a daughter in each,l and here comes number one!

fred 3 nurse

Yep, we’re going with that kind of gag. Oh, and it’s the nurse from fred 3. no comment.

So yes, this does lead to ‘UGLY GUY HAS HOT DAUGHTER” jokes and his friends lust after her even though they can pass as her father.

Ew.

As you can expect, Fred 3 nurse doesn’t like rob and it’s very typical. Her car has broken down, so she pops the hood and…yeah you know where this is going.

fred 2 nurse hot

Transformers was more subtle than this. So she keeps fixing the car while the guys watch from their chairs. Again, ew.

Even worse, they take shifts staring at her to avoid creepy-nes. TOO LATE. Oh, and then rob’s wife shows to work on it which leads to a parody of that last bit.

It’s not funny, next.

Oh, and they plan that damn pina colada song every time that happens. So after that, the guys go fishing and…well talk some more.

“Can you have sex when you’re pregnant or does that hurt the baby?”

Profound.

“I got lucky on st patty’s day, but she was half asleep. …ok, she was asleep. “

Rape joke for the lose. so rob shows up.

I guess the first 20 years of a kids life is more important than I realized”

Yeah pretend rob is getting an arc, it means nothing in the end. So after they provide a review of the movie-

stupid” “moronic” “asinine”

-they play arrow roulette. Yes, they stand in the Forrest, fire an arrow, and whoever stays in the circle when it lands. Wins.

Rob wins but it hits his foot. NEXT

So after that, his second daughter shows up

hot chick 2

Two obvious, bad, creepy jokes for the price of one! And here comes number 3..

ugly chick

jJst as obvious, just as un-funny.

They try to get the arrow out but can’t. Rob’s wife suggests that maize stuff which makes rob explode.

“Are you insane?! Get some alcohol on this bitch!”

I suppose this was meant to lead to character, but with no plot…that can’t happen. This is ignored in the next scene anyway.

At the cabin, sandler’s daughter tells slama her tooth fell out, but salama lets slip that she is the one who leaves the money.

“There’s no tooth fairy?”

For fuck’s sake…by the way, I wish there was so she could bring santa and the other guardians to kick some ass. It’d make this movie better.

That night, Salma isn’t happy about all that but Sandler knows this is pointless, so he doesn’t care. But he is interrupted, by seeing the kids play with those cup phone things.

Glad to see that forced plot point is resolved quickly! Hell, the tooth fairy thing is now NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. At least they resolved the son thing!

So the next day, everything seems fine as the sons are playing and whatever. So anyway, now it’s time for Sandler to leave for milan. Movie’s over, bye!

…sigh.

But then Salma says they should stay and cancels Milan. That’s another problem with this movie: plot points that could lead into  good character stuff and feed into a narrative, are quickly solved the minute they are introduced.

The guys’ children hate them because they are living without technology? Don’t worry, they start playing with tin can phones five minutes after! Hayek pissed off at her husband for not wanting to go to milian? She just wipes her tears and gets back in the kitchen, like a good wife should.

I don’t care for this movie.

So now they go to a water park for the next set piece. This also an excuse to put girls in nice outfits, including Salma and the daughters.

“We get those at a store called naughty and nice. Marcus said it was the only store that was open”

So first they seem smart, but now they are dumb. Lovely. (Take a drink every time I say lovely). This literally leads to a 10 minute segment that I can skip and you lose NOTHING.

Then they run into dickie, as well as his goons. One of which is of course, played by Steve Buscemi. They are at the zip line and they compete. Steve ends up getting hurt a lot. It’s pointless and lame.

Oh, and Kevin jame’s son asks for breast milk, and he just gives him normal milk and boom. Again, another pointless plot point solved!

So yeah, we are in the heat of this movie’s pointless-ness since  I had to skip 10 MINUTES, and I am not joking.

That night, the guys hang out around the fire. Then they asks Salma how she and sandler met

“How did this blob of crap, no offense, meet this senioretta?”

GOOD QUESTION.

“He came into this store where I was working, and he wanted me to try this skirt on.”

I see he’s always been a lovely guy. By the way, is It me or Sandler’s character,….boring? Everyone else has a personality, as one note as they are. Sandler? He’s a “snarky” hollywood guy and that’s about it. Sandler’s phoned in performance doesn’t help.

Then they dance a bit with their respective wives. Including chris rock, who is given so little to do I forget he was even in this movie. Come on, give him an arc, some jokes…a rainbow wig, I don’t know!

“You know lenny? You were right about bringing us here”

Yes, pretend this is a sweet moment that feeds into characters.

The next morning, david spade wakes up drunk and …and in the closet. No comment. Later, david spade starts bragging about the last girl he was with.

“She’s blond… we start going at it, then at the good part, this picture on the wall falls and cuts her head”

Then fred 3 nurse comes in with a mark on her head. …OH GOD WHY

Then rob gets really pissed. But then it turns out that fred 3 nurse tripped and hit her head on something else. So yeah, Spade supposedly sleeps with Schneider’s daughter, which could cause a massive rift in their friendship? Used as a joke and nothing more.

Fuck. This. Movie.

Then everyone else shows up and we get the scene where a plot should have come together. Salama says she found out Sandler canceled Milan, before they even got to the cabin. Oh no liar revealed…

“Stop trying to handle everybody and everything!”

So this is the scene where everyone talks about the arc they are going through and such. Like how Sandler wanted to be there to avoid his hectic life with the nanny and such. Oh, that is revealed too.

As much as I like these kind of scenes…it doesn’t work. It feels like a lazy attempt to tie a plot, when there isn’t one. It feels slapped on and it’s quickly resolved with little conflict to be found.

Chris rock talks about how his wife is bitch-y, but then she promises to connect with him more. Solved!

Oh, and earlier kevin james said he was an owner of a furniture store now. This was dropped until now, where it turns out he lied. He just wanted to look like a big shot.

The other guys don’t care as they know that kind of stuff doesn’t matter. Solved! Rob? David? Nothing for them to get off character-wise. What a great script!

Rob’s wife tries to say a moral about living life or some shit.

“The first act is exciting. The 2nd act, that’s where the depth comes in”

Not in this movie! They hug and it’s okay. I ducking hate this lazily written script with this FUCKING CHARACTERS WHO FUCK FUCKING-

…I’m sorry about that. Well, we’re at the 80 MINUTE MARK now, no joke. So it’s over, right? WRONG!

It’s time for that basketball ball re-match. Yep, this is what passes for a climax. I’m sorry I’m getting so angry…this movie just…gets to me. 

Oh, and tim medows is on dickie’s team. Sure, why not. Sandler doesn’t want to do this, cuz he wants the movie to end but dickie refuses.

“If coach were here, he’d want us to try”

Damn it. This game is also an excuse to show us this;

cheer grow

…iUm okay with that actually.

So we get a long game full of lame jokes and..they lose. Sandler’s team actually loses. Wow…this is kind of cool. They subvert the cliché and actually show that winning isn’t quite everything-

the bailey’s needed to learn how to win, and we needed to learn how to lose”

And…he lost on purpose. Almighty god sandler was just letting his subjects go. It still feels smug and ego filled.

That’s barely a moral! It barely ties into the plot and characters! That’s your story! That’s your plot?! Fuck you, this isn’t a movie!

Then david breaks out arrow roulette in a crow of people. Great guy! Everyone scrambles and before ANY epilogue can happen, the arrow hits steve, who is now in a full body cast.

And with a re-hashed gag,…it ends. OH THANK FUCKING GOD!

Final Thoughts:

For these reviews, I try to pace myself. Mention everything. Leave no stone unturned. Don’t skip something just cuz it’s pointless. Reviews go by a bit slow but it’s rewarding to get a good review out of it.

For this? I skipped through this 90 minutes of tripe. I didn’t even mention half of the shity jokes and bad writing..

My god, this review was both easy and hard. Easy cuz it went by fast due to skipping a lot. Hard due to how hard this movie was to watch.

Do I need to repeat my self? THIS MOVIE IS A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

There’s no plot, and what little there is so badly written there is no impact. The characters are one note, annoying boring, and given so little to do despite how much screentime they get.

The acting isn’t the worst, but everyone  phones it in for the most part. They feel like they are just being themselves,…in a bad way. I could still tell these were guys pretending to be themselves in a movie, instead of just…being themselves.

Never did I see these people as characters, I saw the actors. I get what they were going for, but even simple movies have a STORY and CHARACTERS and JOKES.

The jokes suck too. They can be sorted in three main categories: horrible one-liners and puns Sandler thought of on the shitter and decided to include in anyway, harsh slapstick or jokes about how Schneider has two hot daughters and one ugly one. As you can guess, all of these jokes go stale very quickly.

This is not a movie. A bunch of guys were doing a bunch of shit and some guy made it into a script with little direction. This “movie” is desperate for people to like it, hence the hot chicks.

Am I being harsh​? Maybe. They look like they were having fun, and I see what they were going for. But it ended up feeling like a bunch of friends getting together and making us watch them have fun and laughing at us. To me, this represents everything wrong with Adam sandler movies, only made worse with the bad “plot”.

It’s not quite as annoying with it’s jokes as jack and-you know what. It’s mostly BORING and with a bunch of comedians, that’s a bad thing. I hated this movie, and I mean that.

Grade: D+

Glad to get that off my chest. At least these guys well never get together ag-

Grown_Ups_2_Poster

…FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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4 Responses to Grown Ups

  1. Marquis Brown says:

    My reaction to the grown ups 2 trailer: (Facepalm) Adam sandler, just when you thought you salvaged yourself with Hotel Transylvania, you had to go and do another bad movie and a sequel that is more pointless than Hangover part two. (double facepalm). BTW, have you seen zookeeper? If so, can you give me your thoughts on it? I was going to tourtue myself by watching it on starz comedy a week ago, but I changeed my mind, and for good reason. Your review was good, BTW.

    • spongey444 says:

      Grown ups 2 isn’t looking any better than part one. also, the difference between this and hangover 2? HANGOVER 1 DIDN’T SUCK IN THE FIRST PLACE.

      have no seen zookeeper, but don’t worry, it’s on my list.

      • Marquis Brown says:

        OK, thanks for the reply. BTW, if you ever do a second halloween in july, can you review Igor?

      • spongey444 says:

        I don’t know, i’m, watching every animated film from every year, so i’d see igor then. if it’s good or bad enough to review, i’ll do it.

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