Hello, Spongey here
This movie has been on my list for quite a while. Hell, even back in my blogger days I almost did it, but backed out due to lazy-ness.
The other reason being ..well, how it came about sort of lead to me wondering If I should review it or not. But after thinking, I went ahead. But i’ll explain it all right now.
The film was written, animated, and directed entirely by one person, Phil Nibbelink. Who worked on such classic as We’re back a dinosaurs story, and the magic voyage
But I kid, he’s done other, better stuff. The film took 4½ years of animating and required 112,000 frames, each of which were completed in under 2 minutes.
Most of the cast features his friends, family, and himself. So it’s very much a one man show. And…as a result, some may think i’d be a bully picking on it
The thing is, nothing is exempt from criticism. Some may be judged different than others, but no matter how indie something is, anyone bad say their thoughts. I have no ill feelings towards Phill and I bet he worked hard on it
but the same applies to any movie i’ve done. Just because it’s a one man gig here doesn’ mean he can’t just skimp out. Hell, all 3 of Doug Walker’s little films get bashed all the time and those are even more of a one/two man gig!
Those who bash those are free to do so, as long as they explain it calmly instead of missing the point. I can bash this movie all I want, but you have to understand that I am not bashing the artist, just the art.
This all in good fun, and while I will get harsh on it at times, don’t think of me as a bully. Besides, I’ve seen youtube sketches with a budget of 5 bucks with much smarter writing. So thus, you should still try to make your film good, no matter what
I know this is all way too deep for me, but I have been given flack by friends for bashing this film casually, and i’m just explaining myself.
With that said, this movie is a dumb idea. You all know Romeo and Juliet, the classic play about star crossed lovers torn part. We’ve seen many versions and of course, many parodies.
Gnomeo and Juliet put gnomes in it, but also knew exactly what it was and spoofed that. Thus, it was good! Granted, the idea to have gnomes in the first place is odd..
but even odder, is doing it with seals. You heard me right, seals. Why? No clue. Even with Gnomeo, they took advantage of it with some clever comedy. This…has no reason for it.
It’s a dumb title, with a dumb idea. Let’s jump in!
This, is Romeo & Juliet Sealed with a kiss
The movie opens with epic narration giving us the skinny: There are two families, Capulets (whit seals) and Montagues (brown-ish seals). They have a feud going on, but it’s so old, no one remembers how it started.
Sadly, being seals, they can’t bite their thumbs
“From these foes, came two star crossed lovers”
Cue random swing music! I admit, the score itself is pretty good…but the songs…we’ll get to that.
Also, the character animation is rather good for a one man show. Granted, the backgrounds are too bright for my tastes but hey, it’s impressive given the budget
We then join a typical Cap-mon fight, where we also see…Mercutio. And he’s..
“oh benvolio, I knew him well”
“to be, or not to be. That is the question.”
“all the word’s a stage!”
The most annoying character. All he does is spout out bad lines, and act like a jackass. Gnomeo had those kind of nods too, but they were often subtle and not put in for no damn reason
So then a big fight breaks out, and while it goes on long, it’s meant to show off a typical fight with them,so it has a point
But then the sky gets red as the-
“bubble bubble toil and trouble!”
Evil prince no name comes in…voiced by phill. oh…goody. He says, should there be any more disturbance, the seal who caused it shall be exiled to Shark Island. Also, he’s an elephant seal, so he somehow belongs to no family…I guess, but these are he only seals we see on this small-
Everyone leaves. Mercutio tells his buddy that there is a Capulet party going on that night, so they are gonna crash it.
“..we’re gonna die!”
yay, a funny joke!
Then they spy our Montague son, romeo. He is sad, so Mer goes to talk to him.
“does my witty womeo got a boo boo?”
If I point out every annoying moment with him, we’ll be here all day. He seems like an attempt to be HIP 4 DA KIDZ YO with annoying modern talk, which no other character has to this extent.
This, of course, leads to a song…sort of. See, songs require SINGING, and romeo is not singing. He’s rhyming and talking, and there is big music, but he is not singing. At all.
Anyway, Romeo says he is lonely and wants a girl…and that’s about it. Any trace of character he had in the play is completely, gone. You can argue about how much character he has in the play, but there’s SOMETHING to him. Here? Nothing. Same goes for the girl side, but more on that later
But then, he decides to SING. Now, it’s a song…a meh one, but hey, i’ve heard worse…at least it’s a SONG now!
So mer convinces him to go the party
“where did you learn to sing?”
MY QUESTION EXACTLY
“Mercutio taught me”
…now it all makes sense
They head there, but Romeo is of course, still not sure. Mercutio covers them in sand to disguise themselves.
But before they go in, they witness the prince walking into the party…and up to Juliet. Oh yeah, she’s here now.
As it turns out, juliet is in an arranged marriage with him. …ew. For one, juliet looks like she’s like `12 while the prince…is not. Also, here he doesnt’ seem all that bad, besides being really gross. Hell, I see why he did his thing earlier, as those fights are quite bothersome
Anyway, Romeo and the gang head in, with their disguises. .Juliet and the prince dance. Romeo sees the prince announce the marriage, and of course he is not happy. As, he is in love from first sight
And, of course, they have no romantic tension other than that. The play had that ending which, as the nostalgia critic pointed out, could be deep and actually makes it a good love story. With (SPOILERS THEY DON’T DIE) that gone, it’s now a normal love story…and a bad one
Also, the actors who play them are brother and sister. NO COMMENT
The prince walks away, and the two seals see each other. Then mer gets annoying and sings a love song, which attracts the prince, who is not happy
nice going dumbass
While I do get the prince’s frustrations …perhaps trying to kill romeo is a bit much. He turns from an okay guy who is dick-ish to a full dick who sucks as a villain cuz…Well, he’s lame, and just wants to marry a chick romeo likes. Granted, he’s a dick while doing so…but it’s not that evil.
Romeo falls into the water, revealing his true self. They all escape. Once in the water, ben and Mer can’t seem to find romeo.
ROMEO: he knows nothing-
“Where for art tho romeo?”
OH COME ON THAT’S FROM THIS PLAY! Using a Shakespeare quote as a lame reference to another play is one thing, but the play this one is based on? For shame!
Romeo goes to visit Juliet. Couldn’t even wait 5 minutes, kid? He spots her on a cliff
“Where are you, my romeo?!”
See, now you ruined one of the famous lines in this play, which you are trying to adapt from. Classy
/”but it’s only his color that’s my enemy”
Let’s not get into the race stuff, okay?
“what’s in a color? A fish of any color wold still smell as sweet”
…that makes no sense.
Romeo pops out. They banter a bit, and just stare at each other. Of course that means a lame love song! It’s dull. And one of the trippy visuals has them in space
SEALS. IN SPACE
never mind, this movie Is amazing
Juliet promises romeo that she will marry him the next morning. Rushing into marriage is smart. Yeah, I know what the nostalgia critic editorial thingy said but THIS version doesn’t have that, and tries to be a normal love story. Thus, this fails.
And that’s this movies biggest problem. Is it a straight version? Then why the seals? Is it a parody? Then why the normal moments? Is it just a kid friendly version? Then why get rid of the plays bite that actually made the romance WORK? This movie has no idea what it’s trying to be!
Romeo is happy. The next morning, Mercuatio and ben are hanging out while mer makes jokes so lame even ben hates them.
“why wouldn’t the clam share his toys? He was shellfish”
Why wouldn’t the seal shut the fuck up? ,,…that’s not a joke, I’m really wondering. Then it cuts to romeo…what was the POINT of that joke scene?!
So Romeo visits friar Lawrence at his cave church. Wait, the seals have a church? Is there a seal god? Also, why is that THIS version has the friar, while gnomeo didn’?
He’s the only character I like, cuz one, he does something. 2. he’s not annoying. He asks him to marry him and juliet. He refuses at first, but then he thinks their marriage will end the feud of their families
Behold, a part from the play given dignity! Those moments are rare
Juliet shows up and they kiss a lot
“You 2 can’t wait until after the wedding?”
Funny joke alert!
“look kids, I see you’re in a hurry and i’ll try to make it quick”
Wow, I actually like this guy! So they get married after knowing each for…what, like half a day? If even? Did they wait this long in the play? I haven’t read it in awhile nor seen some of the other versions so I am not sure
And then they cut to Mercuatio. SON OF A BITCH
“What do you call a capulet with one brain cell? gifted”
what do I call an annoying piece of shit? YOU
A cap does hear this, but mer doesn’t care cuz he sucks.
“what is a difference between is a seaslug and a capulet? One is a bottom dwelling garbage eating scavenger…and the other is a slug!” ”
What’s the difference between this movie and a toilet? One is a nasty area full of crap all the time and only briefly does it flush out the crap. The other. Is a toilet.
WAIT…the families are different colors…which makes these jokes…racial slurs …yikes.
“hah, i’m just killing myself”
Don’t get my hopes up
So then we see the seals…on…the sunken titanic…doing the king of the world bit
Why do I keep seeing bad cartoon films with titanic? Shark tale, now this? …at least no one is rapping
So later they walk into some big swinging party that has…other sea creatures. Where have THEY been this entire time?
But then the others notice that a mon and cap are together…Yeah guys, maybe dancing In “public” like that was a bad idea
Oh, and they attack them,,,and romeo beats up an octopus…Okay, that’s awesome. They escape but a small fish catches up to them.
This is kissy, and I think she exists so Mercutio can be outranked in annoyance. She has a “cute” voice and just blabs about their sweet romance..and ugh
“are you having any babies?”
Ew, who voices this idiot? …director’s daughter? …Awkward. She reminds them that if the prince finds out they are in BIIIIIG trouble. Then she leaves
Speaking of Mercutio, he’s still making jokes as the capulets gather.
“i care not for capulets”
And this summons the prince. Okay, that’s a little funny
“i got another one!”
SHUT THE FUCK UP
BEN: This is really gonna hurt
it already does, kid
Mer keeps making jokes cuz he just wants the prince to kill ihm. No wait, that’s what I want.
Romeo shows up to help. The prince saw him and juliet, and the prince is not happy. Romeo informs him that they are married, and she loves him.
But the prince sets his eyes on Mercutio when he makes another lame joke,. Well, now the prince is a villain, but at the drop of a hat. But eh, that’s more of a nitpick as this movie has bigger problems
To me, he’s a hero: he wants to kill Mercutio. Hell, i’d be pissed at all this too…I just wouldn’t be a dick about it.
The prince chases him but guess what? HE STILL MAKES JOKES. I get laughing in the face of danger but COME ON!
They end up on the same cliff from earlier, Romeo begs Mer to stop, but he keeps going. Romeo tries to help, but…Mercutio falls off the cliff…and dies
I am not making a joke. The movie actually kills him off. ..
YES! THERE IS A GOD! THANK YOU LORD! YES! YES!
So, he banishes romeo to shark island. Why can’t you just kill him? You clearly had no problem with killing mercutio! Btw, YOU ARE MY LORD AND SAVIOR FOR THAT.
So the two are separated, and still have no personality.. and now she must marry the prince, for good.
So that’s sad. Wait, the bad guy is happy. That means..
He sings about he and juliet are gonna get married, and how is hot..and that’s it. Not exactly evil. But this song…is okay. Tthe best song so far, but the bar was set pretty low
The music is good, and it even has it’s fun parts, but the singing is way too subdued Dude, you are singing about being evil, and the visuals have fire-
PATRICK: hey if we’re underwater how can there be a-
For crying out loud! But a little more OOMPH in your voice. Coupled with the fact that its’ lazy, and you get a weak villain song. Not a horrible one, also, this line
some people say that I weight a lot
oh baby baby i’m really not
..not what? That rhymes make no sense at all! Here’s a better one
some people say that i’m really fat
oh baby baby but i’m all that.
some people say i’m full of it
oh baby baby this movie is shit
better! But eh…it’s catchy, so I guess it’s better than some other songs. …Wait, how is he a prince? Where’s the king?
Anyway, kissy visits romeo..i guess she isn’t bound by prince laws. She keeps being annoying with her cute talk and blah blah. Sigh, Mercutio may be gone, but his legacy lives on
When she sings. GODDAMN IT
It’s twinkle twinkle little star…why. Well, it’s not annoying…then she leaves. WHAT IS THE POINT OF HER
Juliet tells the Friar what happened. But then he gets an idea, and HE SINGS ABOUT IT. But, this song is actually good. It’s short, thank ,god, but it sounds cool and it moves the story.
But it is freaky. We got him demanding she drink this potion, while creepy magic images happens, and it all sounds he’s trying to be ursula in her song! Dude, you’re helping her, not offering her soul
He gives her a potion to put her in a deathlike position, so she can run off with Romeo. Okay, so now it’s true to the story. Hell, this part wasn’t in Gnomeo, and it means they may go with the true ending, and hell this scene, like the last friar part, is alright
But once again, it will be ruined
So the wedding is held, but Juliet is late. Friar comes in holding her “dead” body.
PRINCE: women! It’s always something
Wow, what an asshole. He was bad…but damn!
Ben sees this, and thinks she is dead, and goes to tell Romeo. So the friar goes after him. Then he is attacked by a shark
“why does it always have to be a shark?”
Another funny joke!
“oh how funny. It’s the oldest gag in the book. You bite my tail, I scream”
Oh my god…this movie may turn itself around!
Ben makes it to Romeo and tells him about Juliet. He is not happy and goes to check. Friar tries to stop him, but he still has that shark to deal with]
So he has tries to bait him…with a rap.
FUCK! I used to like this guy!
You gotta come now cuz it’s dinner time!
PLEASE DON’T SUMMON THE RAPPING DOG
So after a rap in romeo and juliet…yes, the Friar runs into kissy
“Come with me if you want to live”
Now we have a pop culture reference. fucking lovely. Also, why can’t the shark talk like everyone else?
So with the help of kissy, they stop the shark
“i think he’s suffering from attention deficit disorder”
that’s not funny. At all.
But the shark gets out, and kissy summons her friends…to spank him. Every-time I give this credit, it throws this kind of shit at me!
This stops him-
‘Hasta la vista baby. I’ll be back”
fuck you asshole
FRIAR: hasta la? …whatever.
Why isn’t he the main character?
Back to the plot, Friar makes it to Romeo, but it’s too late. He thinks Juliet is dead. Romeo is walking to Juliet, and i’m just thinking friar still has time to do this
“hey, she’s alive dude”
Romeo kisses her, which makes …the already drank potion…slip into him? WHAT KIND OF SENSE DOES THAT MAKE!
So they both die, since I assume that potion is a bit too strong. It’s…treated quite heavily. Holy crap, will they go with it? Will they have the balls to kill them?!
My god, I think this movie finally got it right. Friar even makes a speech how their hate has killed them. Yes, YES!
The Montagues and capulets all hug, having felt bad for this. Wow, they are devoting time to this. That means no last minute reveal. They are doing it!
…then a wave comes in carrying…mercutio
what. HE’S FUCKING ALIVE?!
OH FUCK YOU BLACK TEXT. The most annoying character is FINALLY killed only to COME BACK?! Thus, his death has no point?! The fact that I hate him makes it worse!
Well, maybe he sees this sight and-
“This party looks dead”
FUCK YOU. Geez, you ruin a sad scene too?! I know this a kid’s movie, but why do the disney death at all?
At least it sticks to the-
The sun comes up and they awaken. FUCK. YOU. You FOOLus into thinking it will end smartly, but pull this ending that misses the point of the play? Even if I had no idea what the play is, this would still suck!
At least Gnomeo didn’t fool us…that much. But you go this far, and pull the rug out from under us?! You don’t even explain it. If the potion only made them look dead, why did it take so long for them to awaken? Why did Friar think they are dead when he knows they ain’t?
So this makes no sense AND is a fuck you to pretty much everyone. Nice! I know they want a happy ending, but come on, this is just plain lazy! Gnomeo MADE FUN of this!
They kiss and they learn nothing and are still dull
“will you two get a cave?”
Way to be happy for your friend, jack ass.
But the two family’s still see how dumb they were, and the feud ends. And the prince shows up and runs into a lady who looks much like him. She is ugly and just makes dumb groans
A match made in heaven.
They all dance, Romeo and juliet giggle instead of talk, and it, abruptly, but thankfully, ends
At 71 minutes, it’s short, and it feels short, but it somehow is still padded. Let’s forget about tht whole “made by one guy” thing and look at it.
It sucks. The story is completely dull, adding NOTHING to the story to make it better, and whenever they throw something new, it’s either dumb or makes no sense.
It has no idea how to adapt Romeo and juliet so it becomes as mess as no one can tell if it’s serious or not. It throws everything and nothing sticks. At times, it comes CLOSE to being okay, but then it chickens out
why do it with seals anyway?
“s.Aqua dynamics being what they are, you could streamline all those animals. Everything from fish to sea mammals are all very featureless, so they could swim through water. So that’s why I picked them ….I figured if Bugs Bunny could do opera, seals could do Shakespeare”
…Fair enough. But why no death?
“As opposed to having a double suicide at the end? I was definitely making a G-rated film. I had heard – and I’ve always heard – that there’s a lack of G-rated films. “
Then why do this story at all?! Why make us THINK it has death if you are going to chicken out? On top that, the characters are completely dull with no personality, the romance is boring, and the two characters with life are USLESS AND ANNOYING]
Friar is the only character I like, hes’ funny and cool. Everyone else? Nope. The voice acting is mostly passable, since they are all not that experienced , so I’ll give it that,.
The animation is decent since only one guy did it. For that, it flows quite well, which excuses some parts. This was made in 2006, when CGI was taking over, so it’s at least cool to see 2d animation, but it doesn’t have the WRITING TO match it, at all.
Granted, it’s better than Hoodwinked 2, escape from planet earth, and the animated titanic trilogy, though a dog turd on the street is better than those.
It just has no idea what it wants to do. It tries to stick with the play, but all the changes ruin that effect. The comic relief characters are really annoying, and take AWAY from the “heartfelt” parts, and are only there so the kids won’t get bored. Mood whipliash at it’s worst
The songs are short and pointless. The only one that has a point is the Friar one, and that one is short. Okay, the villain song was alright, but again, pointless
Which is sad, cuz the score is very good, so the songs should have been better. The film as a whole is mess. I’ve seen worse, but it’s still lame
And once again, I applaud Phil for doing a whole self made film, but that doesn’t excuse the bad writing, dull story, and annoying characters. I do not mean to insult the guy, as I am sure he worked very hard on this film
iT pains me to bash this movie for that reason. Like I said in the intro, I don’t want to be a bully. But I am a critic (sort of) so I must a judge a movie based on it’s merits. it…sucks!
Let me put it this way: Gnomeo and Juliet had a gnome in a mankini. That was more faithful to the original story.
Think about that.