Shrek the Third

Hello, Spongey here

DCOM (Disney channel original movie) month is postponed. Not CANNED, but moved. Why? Really busy this month with other stuff. Don’t worry, I’ll do it later this year. April or may. Hopefully April, but I’m not 100 percent sure.

How will I make up for this? By doing another dreamworks movie!

WAAAY back in my blogger days. I did a list of things I like that others hate. This movie was on it. I said I liked the story and comedy.

Recently, I re-watched all the Shrek films for fun. And this one…didn’t hold up. I don’t HATE it like everyone else does, but now I see some of  it’s issues. The first two Shrek movies were great, funny, with complex characters and a very good story.

This….has some of that. It’s a REALLY mixed bag. How so? I’ll tell you. From the guy who would do better with Puss in boots, comes the third, and the worst, in the Shrek series.

This, is Shrek the Third

The movie opens at a eating place, as our villain, Prince charming, (voiced by Ruppert Evert) is performing bad dinner theater where he saves a princes from a tower.

Some may find Charming to be an odd villain choice, as he was the 2nd bad guy in the last but I think it’s a clever idea. Note, I said idea..

In this play, Charming gets to the Princess, but has to slay an ogre…Shrek. Or should I say, a bad Shrek costume. People clap for Shrek, which pisses off Charming. He moves on anyway.

Prepare, foul beast, to be in a world of pain of which you are not familiar”

People aren’t exactly paying attention. Things go wrong, and they laugh at charming. He goes to his dressing room, where he has a picture of his dear mum, the fairy godmother, who kind …of died last movie.

“Mummy…i can’t let this happen! I am the rightful king of far-far away! And I promise you this, mother. I will restore dignity to my throne!”

First problem: Charming being a bad guy, isn’t a bad idea but it’s not done very well. Mostly cuz they made the mistake of telling us he is doing this to avenge his dead Mummy, which puts a sympathetic spin on things.

Except they never go into it, and make him a normal bad guy. I don’t quite feel bad for him, but why put that in if you aren’t gonna go Lotso on us? On top of that, he just isn’t all that threatening. A funny villain is one thing, but the other Shrek villains are just…i don’t know, cooler

Anyway, we head to the kingdom of Far far away, at the castle where Shrek (voiced by Micheal Myers) and Fiona, voiced by Cameron Diaz, are sleeping.

They wake up, but donkey (voiced by Eddie Murphy) comes in with his dragon/donkey mutant babies! Donkey isn’t used that well here, but he’s not too annoying, so he has some of his charm.

Then walks in Puss in boots, the Zoro kitty cat voiced by Antonio Banderas. They have to fill in for the King and Queen right now, which doesn’t make Shrek happy.

Donkey pulls out his blanket…only to hint that he’s naked. Then…they cut to the title.

Lovely..

We get a montage of Shrek failing at king duties. He has to knight a guy with a sword…but swings a bit too hard. We hear the slash and a scream.

…That’s not funny. At all.

Anyway, they are also put in tight, silly outfits that make it hard to move. They have to present something in front of a bunch of people…but when the curtain opens we see a servant guy using a stick to scratch Shrek’s butt.

Eh, it’s in character at least.

The suit pops open, and a bunch of crazy  stuff happens. Only, it’s not  funny. I don’t know, things just kind of happen without a real joke being made, until flaming shrimp on a stick does the “character stuck on a wall by knives” type of joke,.

After that, Shrek wants to leave. He’s just not cut out for this type of stuff. They go to bed, but Puss stays there. Shrek puts him outside. He tries the cute eyes thing…but Shrek just shuts him out.

See, that was funny

Fiona tells him they will be home soon. Only, she hints that…she wants kids. No, I will not make a joke about ogre sex.

Shrek doesn’t want this, for obvious reasons. But then someone interrupts shrek…

“Someone better be dying!”

Cut to the frog king

“I‘m dying”

.

That’s not funny. That’s just MEAN.

Oh yeah, THIS scene…ugh. Allow me to explain. In film two we meet Fiona’s parents, Mom (voiced by Julie Andrews) and Dad, voiced by John cleese.

Dad was shown to be a cool guy even though he did sent puss after Shrek, and teamed up with the fairy godmother. We find out that he was a frog who became a prince, and thus knows about being ugly and wanting his own happily ever after. Instead of being the jerk, he was complex and likable in the end.

Keep that in mind when I talk this scene. Also, what is he dying of? Never explained.

Fiona, I made many mistakes with you,. But your love for Shrek, has taught me so much. Dear boy, I am proud to call you my son”

Seems like a sad death scene, right? It almost is…but then, like Shark Tale, they make dumb jokes. Like dad coughing a lot in an overly long gag, and making funny faces.

And then he dies.

Then he gets back up. Death seems ruined? Wait!

He tells Shrek that he is next in line for king. Shrek shrugs it off, which makes this scene less sad. Shrek asks if there is any guy in line for the throne.

He says there is…but he prolongs the guy’s name comedically until he dies….then he gets up.

JUST DIE ALREADY!

Anyway…his name is Arthur. Oh yeah, this movie has King Arthur. More on that later. Then he finally dies. This sinks in for everyone and the music builds.

Then it finally gets kind of emotional. I almost do get into this moment, as I liked this character. But then we cut to his funereal…where we see frogs singing live and let die, as the king is put in a “ye old foot locker” box.

Wow, you took what could have been a really good death scene of a good character…and ruined it in a really lame, un-funny and disrespectful way.

It almost worked, but nope. This scene SUCKS. Plain and simple.

So Prince charming heads to the poison apple, a bar for fairy tale villains. He talks to the bar tender who is related to the one from Shrek 2. This is Mabel, voiced by , of all people, regis phillbin. Then again, Doris was larry king..

However, Charming finds he isn’t welcome there. But Charming tells them they are much alike. He tells the villains that they all got pretty much  screwed by their nemeses, and are wallowing here.

The evil queen was left the un-fairest of them all, that guy from Pinocchio’s star left,and..

“Hook, need I say more?”

Hook is voiced by ian mcshane, which is awesome, but sadly he doesn’t get to do much.

“And you, rumplestiltskin!”

You got your appearance changed in part 4 for no reason!

He says they were un-fairly called losers

“There there are two sides to every story, and our side has not been told!”

See, this idea is cool. All the fairly tale villains teaming up to get revenge. That’s a neat idea with …okay, execution. That’s this movie’s motto: Good idea, weak execution.

They all agree, and now we have our plot. Shrek, donkey, and puss all head out by sea to find Arthur.

Shrek assures Fiona he’ll be fine, and that soon they will be back in the swamp. The ship sails off, but Fiona reveals something..

I’m pregnant!”

…Could have told him that earlier, honey. Also, …is that why they were naked? They were fucking? If Shrek didn’t want kids, why did he not pu-

Let’s move on before an image gets in my head. Anyway, Shrek pretends he is happy, and I guess this…uh, interesting reveal doesn’t get much out of them aside from those small reactions. Weird.

After that we get the obligatory nightmare scene where shrek is attacked by ogre babies. I do like what they put Shrek through. As he learns to accept the fact that he’s a father, and he has a foil later on. It’s one of the few good ideas they do ABOVE averagely!

“How did this happen?”

“When a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him..”

You know-for kids!

They talk, and Shrek worries that he won’t be a good father, being an ogre and all. Donkey assures hm he’ll be a good dad, as they land at where they wanted to go

This is Worcestershire (some say it’s Worcestersheer). It’s a high school. Yes, a medieval high school. That’s a clever idea, and this scene is actually one of the best in the movie. We got ye olde cheerleaders, wagon drivers ed, and nerds.

Shrek asks where he can find Arthur, or artie as the kid’s call him, and they point him to the jousting area.. Artie is actually a mocked nerd, voiced by Justin timberlake.

Yes, we get the obvious “big guy is thought to be who they are looking for” gag. Anyway, I like Artie, as he does prove to be likable for the most part, and not just an attempt to be HIP 4 DA KIDZ YO. But later, he proves to…well, you’ll see.

Oh, and one chick says her friend asked her to ask Shrek to go to the ball with her. A high school girl has hots for an ogre? I can take the talking donkey, cat, and singing frogs but HIGH SCHOOLER LIKING A GUY WHO ISN’T HOT? THAT’S’ JUST CRAZY!

Artie takes refuse at the basketball court, were mascot trieouts are taking place. With no big yellow in sight, shrek fits in.

Also, arthur’s last name is pendragon. I’m sure the alternate ending had bobby picking him up on a much better adventure.

Shrek finds him being wedgied from the ceiling..by nerds. Why he is being bullied, is never explained. He looks alright, and I’m pretty sure the voice of timberlake makes him cool.

He tell him he is the king. How is he next In line? How is he related to john cleese, and why is he even all the way out here? NEVER. EXPLAINED.

They do say his dad died, but that’s it!

Artie is pretty happy that he is the heir as he gives the “HAW NERDS RULE” speech. Ricky Beamer would be proud. This does lead to a funny joke.

SHREK: let’s not over-do it

ARTIE: I’m building my city, people./ on rock and roll!

SHREK: You just overdid it.

Shrek sums up my feelings there. He’s actually still funny in this one, and is treated better than the others.

Anyway, Fiona has a baby shower along with Doris (Larry king), Cinderella (Amy sedaris), Snow White (Amy pohelor), Rapunzel (Maya Rudpolph) and Sleeping beauty. It goes okay at first, with presents and all that jazz.

But then Charming and has goons come in and wreck the place. Yeah, that’s their plan , just run and wreck shit. He gets more stuff later, but as far as we know, he just made it up as they went along!

At one point, some bad guys see a “ye olde boothery” then take over, and change the sign a bit to read “Ye olde hooters”

…k.


They capture dragon, which puts our heroines in danger. The girls escape,. Leaving Pinocchio, the 3 pigs, and Gingy to try and lie about where Shrek is.

This scene is actually kind of funny, with two big moments: Gingy’s life flashing before his eyes, where we find out that prior to Shrek 1 he had a wife and then he ended up in jail and then captured by farquad. Yeah, thats kind of tragic, but it’s a funny moment that works, which makes it better than you know who’s you know what,

Charming then asks Pinochio, which leads to him trying not to lie while still lying. It’s actually a funny overly long gag. See, they had some funny ideas, so how did this movie end up so lackluster?

The 3 pigs just give in and tell charming about Arthur. Hook is told to bring Shrek to charming. So Shrek and Arthur sail off as Arthur is happy being king.

But once Donkey and Puss sort of let it slip that a king’s life is kind of dangerous, he has second thoughts. Yay, another cliché that makes athur less interesting!

Right away, without even thinking about it, he tries to sail the ship back to his home. Shrek tries to spin it back, but he just tears it off. They shipwreck on some island.

Thankfully, the chipmunks are not around to fuck it up. Shrek tells Artie this doesn’t change anything. And they are still going to far far away

And you’re gonna be a father”

…Whoops.

You get back here young man”

yeah…see, Shrek and Artie have a father/son type of thing that sort of helps him learn to be a good father, and teaches him some stuff. I like this idea, as it adds layers to him. With that. This movie should be great…but it isn’t. How did they fuck this up with stuff like that?

So Shrek tries to connect with him…through,…take it away, MAD cartoon.

awful slang no one says!”

See what you did, movie? You made me quote an un-funny MAD sketch! But to be fair, it leads to the best line in the movie

I’ve been kidnapped by a monster who’s trying to relate to me!”

I am so using that in future reviews.

They find a cottage which belongs to artie’s old magic teacher…merlin, voiced by eric idle. Best part of the movie, right here.

He had a breakdown and his therapist, and the school asked him to head to nature to clam down. He’s freaky, but very funny and while he doesn’t have much of a point, he is also the funniest part.

Shrek argues with artie, so merlin has them sort things out before they can go. So that night they have a big fire. The fire…of truth! He asks shrek to look into it/

He sees a baby carriage but..

I see a rainbow pony”

insert rainbow dash joke here

Atie sees a father bird leaving a kid bird. Yep, his father actually left, which reveals…that his father left. Artie has issues, and I guess wants to see a father figure in shrek.

It’s a good angle, but I feel that artie should have been worked on a bit, and artie should have a much better connection at the very end.

It’s a very nice idea, but it’s only done half well. Much like this movie as a whole Shrek starts to talk to him, but merlin puts on music to set the mood.. Again, cute stuff ruined by a bad joke. After he stops, shrek and arthur talk about how his father left. .

Shrek knows what is like to not feel ready for something. Artie’s dad just dropped him at that school and he never saw him again. Who is his dad? Why did he leave him?

NEVER. EXPLAINED

I know they shouldn’t explain every little thing, but in a movie with so much story, I think i’d be okay with it!

Shrek says his dad sucked too (I’m okay with that not being explained, but the fourth movie doesn’t go into it so bah) and even mentions how he was hated tpo, but learned to live with it and trust who he is

see, this is a nice moment. That’s why I really hate to bash this movie. It ALMOST works but the story and jokes don’t support these moments!

Back with fiona, she and the girls sneak around underground, but they don’t exactly get along.

DORIS: I know he’s a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit that charming makes me hotter than july

Larry king saying that makes it 100000 times scarier


They make it inside the castle where charming has taken over. Except they are caught right away, and Rapenzuel turns out to be a bad guy and she turned them in, and she’s also with charming.

It happens as fast as I typed. It’s just rushed. The girls are locked up and we cut to the next morning, as shrek and the gang are attacked by captain hook and some goons.

All while hook is playing piano, and at one point, merlin starts to play it, but gets pushed off. Again, somewhat useless but funny all the same.

shrek kicks their asses, and sends them packing. Awesome. But now they know fiona is in trouble, and now have to get there  even faster than they planned.

They ask Merlin for a spell to get them back. He refuses but artie very hammily pretends to cry over it in order to get Merlin to do a spell..

It works

you want some eggs with that ham?”

2nd best line.

Merlin is rusty but he tries it anyway. He takes them to far far away, correctly. Only with…one change. Donkey and puss switched bodies

Teally. And guess what? It’s pointless, doesn’t lead to that many good jokes, and is a BLAM in subplot form. Yay!

Before it even sets in for them, they run off to save fiona. Did I mention how cluttered and rushed this story is?

They see that far far away has been ravaged to hell. They find out charming is putting on a play like the one in the opening. Only this time with a real shrek, and his death. So now he has a plan but if you ask me, the writers made it up as they went along.

Guards show up, and I admit, puss trying the cute eye thing in donkey’s body is pretty funny. They see that shrek is gonna be in that play so they are taken to charming.

but the guards hold on to them so shrek can be killed in the play later. Charming meets artie and mocks him for obvious reasons. He starts to attack him, but shrek tells him to stop.

So now shrek must save artie but…admitting something. Oh boy.

You’ weren’t really next in line for the throne. I was”

Wait, i’ll go into this in a second. Shrek sort of insults arthur as he reveals his lie.

“You were playing me the whole time”

“Ii actually thought…”

CHARMING: that he cared about you? He’s an ogre

Yp, liar revealed! Three reviews in a row! Only they do it better than shark tale, but worse than wimpy kid. They stop the  movie so they can sulk for a minute, and it’s boring AND makes artie a whiny bitch.

even worse? It wasn’t much of a lie! They are acting like the king didn’t say that artie was an heir! Shrek didn’t exactly lie, he just didn’t say he is the real king. He was truthful when he said artie is the heir! So this DOESN’T. WORK!

It ruins artie, it makes shrek out to be worse than he is, and it slows the movie for a badly written moment. Yay?

So puss and donkey are put in jail with the girls.

“I don’t get it”

“The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What’s to get?”

so now they gotta get out, but the ladies think they are just 3 hot (and one ugly) princesses, a preggo orgre, an old lady, a pussy and a jackass.

but the queen, who I haven’t mentioned cuz she’s boring here, uses her head to get through the jail wall. I mean, like rex in toy story 2. awesome

they go badass and break out. Back with the main plot, charming is about to start his play. Shrek is put in shackles, and the guy doing it makes them tight to show off his son. The guy is a cyclopes.

“Who thought a monster like me deserved something as special as you?”

Eee, it’s meant to be like shrek being an orge and how he doesn’t want a kid. It’s so subtle that I think you missed it

So the ladies start their attack on the castle. Snow white first does a sweet song which turns in a call for the animals to attack.. I admit, this scene Is sort of badass, with the ladies (and puss/donkey) attacked

Plus, it breaks a cliiche: in sequels, the love internet from the first one or two must be useless. Fiona actually does something in all 4 films. Take that, ice age 4 and happy feet 2!

Granted, this adds MORE to an already cluttered plot but…actually yeah, it’s dumb and pointless…but if it breaks a hated cliché, i’m all for it!

Long story short, they kick ass and run into arthur as well. He bitches about shrek’s lie.

“Shrek only said those things to protect you. Charming was gonna kill you!”

Add another cliché to that. But eh, it does make my complaint false, but I still feels like shrek didn’t overall lie as artie WAS an heir, after all.

before that can sink in, let’s move on to the play which is better than the one in the opening, and it has singing, which is cool but this leads to a climax that , while it has it’s moments, is a step down from the 2nd one’s epic as hell climax..

It has him saving a princesses played by Rapunzel, as an evil monster, played by shrek comes to stop him.

“Prepare, foul beast, to be in a world of pain of which you are not familiar””

Oh, nice callback!

iI can’t be anymore painful than your lousy performance”

Shrek snarks his way to victory. It makes people laugh which angers charming. But then, the girls come on, as well as some other people.

Charming sends his goons to attack. Then Arthur comes in with a speech. He tells the other villains that there is more to life.

“A good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or just some losers, doesn’t mean you are one”

Re-hashing the first movie’s moral? Check! Being a nice moral, but not done 100 percent well in accordance to characters? Check!

Cliche heavy handed speech that makes me like arthur less? Check! Okay i’ll stop, it’s not that bad,. But they had the whole shrek/arthur thing and just threw it away, not building in my father theory and instead going for this …stuff!

It’s a missed chance if I ever saw one.+

The other villains admit they do okay things, and at the drop of hat, let everyone go. But charming won’t have it.

Pissed, he runs to arthur with a sword (he was gonna kill a kid? This movie is dark…) but shrek stops him,.

“This was supposed to be my happily ever after!”

You need to keep looking, i’m not giving up mine”

Badass. See, this movie had so many chances to become awesome, but they never take them all the way!

Charming is then thrown into the fake tower and it falls on him. And…that’s it. WHAT A CLIMAX, eh?

His crown falls off, and arthur picks it up. He puts it on and accepts his role as king. Yay, he’s ready for a life of never being mentioned in the 4th one! Seriously, where was he?

Merlin pops in, and donkey/puss ask to get normal again, and he fixes the  issue, making that subplot POINTLESS

shrek accepts his place as a father, and is now ready for parenthood. They kiss. We cut to their house more than 9 months later, as their 3 babies have been born. Donkey and gang show up to congratulate them with some stuff.

Artie is king, donkey and puss are normal, shrek is ready for fun with his kids, and they all sleep peacefully that night. Until a baby starts crying

i got it”

Roll credits. You HAD to ruin the ending, too, eh? Whatever. So they live happily ever after…until shrek 4, which is much better.

Final Thoughts:

This isn’t one of the worst movies i’ve looked at, but it’s one of the most disappointing.

This movie had so many good ideas. So manu fun concepts. So many chances to be a good threeequel that closes the book in the trilogy. But it never takes them.

The story is overall cluttered and rushed. It moves from point to point without letting it set in. it’s LONGER than part 2, yet, it has less jokes and story. How is that possible?!

The concept for the plot is good, but it puts in too many subplot or just pointless moments. It also is cliché and throws in no surprises. There’s no tension, and no big chances. All the other movies had that, but this one didn’t. .

Shrek wanting to be a father, and being with artie is a good idea but they never put it to it’s full potential. The king dying is badly done and it feels like it was done to get the plot rolling, as that isn’t mentioned very often. Puss and donkey get little to do and aren’t that funny.

The villain is a good idea, but he’s only a bit funny and I never really cared for him and I think they should have gone all the way.

But it’s not a BAD movie. It’s…okay. It has good ENOUGH ideas that I wanted to see where it was going, as some scenes get laughs, and some heart pulls through. Merlin is overall kind of pointless ,but is very funny..

Artie is a good idea, but in the 3rd act, he gets whiny and cliché. See, it never becomes good due to a rushed plot, few jokes, and one outright mean scene. But it’s not bad, as shrek is mostly funny and likable for most of it, fiona gets a good moment, and the story throws in some neat ideas and jokes.

so in that way, it’s a mess. It has many good ideas, but never goes through with them. You can tell they tried their best, but they didn’t let the story go all the way in favor of lame plot points and jokes. They didn’t cap of the story at all, and didn’t use everyone in a way that made me happy.

I can’t hate it, but I can’t like. It’s an OKAY film, but man, I wish my brother didn’t want it a few Christmases ago. Yes, I own this film on DVD.

It’s the only film I regret owning. Keep in mind, I own Cars 2

My recommendation? Watch shrek 4! I finally saw it, and I own it on DVD. It’s actually pretty good. The story moves at a nice pace, has engaging moments, all the characters are interesting amd are used to their full potential, shrek really grows and they throw in a great villain and some very tense, sweet moments that were very nice. It throws in many tributes to the first two films and ends on a note that caps off the series nicely. And with very few references to part 3 until the credits.

When part 4 ignores part 3 ,that’s bad. Skip this movie, watch 4. it’s not as good as 2, but I argue it’s on par with one.

I see why I liked it a few years ago, as it has that dumb stuff young people love. But now, I am not fond of it.

Shrek 4 is good, 3 is…just okay

Grade: C

see ya.

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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