Hello, Spongey here
Welcome back to the EPIC FINALE of my first 2 part review.
PREVIOUSLY ON TRANSFORMERS 3:
During the war between the good bots and bad bots, there was a ship carrying Sentential prime, optimus’s old master. However, shit happened, and it crashed into earth’s moon. As it turns out. We went to the moon in 1969 (that even steven’s song is stuck in your head now, isn’t it?) to get that ship. They brought it back, but they didn’t cuz they find Sentinel prime in it later on. The ship also has a pillar that can make a teleporting thingy that megatron and shockwave want cuz their evil.
Also, Shia laebouf has a bad acting girlfriend who got pissed at him for trying to save the world. Micheal Bay is weird
AND NOW FOR THE CONCLUSION
This, is Transformers: Dark the moon ….again .
John Turtoro here tells Shia it’ll all be okay, as they drive off. Skipping a bit, they visit from “friendly” russia guys at their place, as they get to see one of russia’s biggest secrets.
The USSR sent a camera to the moon in 1964 and saw strange rocks. We know those as the pillars for the space bridge. Yeah, the bad guys left spock there even though only he can build the bridge
“unless…he’s the one thing they still need”
you see, Decepticons raided the Ark long before the Autobots’ mission and intentionally left Sentinel and five Pillars behind to lure the Autobots into a trap. This all seems exciting but really, it’s dull as fuck
So now they gotta make sure the bad guys don’t get to spock. But uh oh, one the bad guys is on the road following our heroes! They transform and they fight some of the good bots on the road. This scene is actually pretty good! It showcases some decent effects and it’s actually directed well
now THAT is a step up from the last movie. So a few autobots show up, making this scene even better. Sure, every bot here looks the same, but it’s filmed in a more coherent manner than Fallen
They make it back to Spock. One thing I forgot, is that Nimoy voiced Galvetron in the animated transformers movie, hence why he’s in this. …cute?
However…Spock made a deal with megatron. Yep, he’s a bad guy now. I didn’t see it coming, but that doesn’t make anyless random.oh, and he also kills ironhide
oh no he killed some robot I never cared about, how tragic
they launch an assault on spock, but nothing works. Spock escapes and Optimus shows up. So of course sam heads to his parents and asks if they’ve seen carly
glad to see he has his priorities straight. He tells them they broke up and they are not happy. And sadly, this is where the annoying factor comes back. It’s mostly from mom here who just bitches at him for losing two hot chicks in one year.
“do you love her?”
“she’s the one”
I can tell cuz we have very little common and she hates that I save the world!
Mom approves and has dad say what he promised her once
“i’ll follow you til the end of time. Dumb right? It’s like a bad sci fi film”
like this one?
Spock joins the bad guys in DC as they set up to transport some hidden bad guys to earth. This works despite optimus’s best efforts.
Prime thinks it’s best to save the humans, but spock just wants to take over the world with megatron.
But who cares it”s time for the shitty romance! Sam finds Carly hanging with her boss, who’s name is Dylan gould by the way. He drags carly out, but then Dylan drops this bomb:
he’s a bad guy working for the Decipticons. Oh goody, another face heel turn that exists for shock value. Even better, one his robots captures Carly, making her a dumbass in distress
Dylan forces Sam to work for him and find out what optimus is planning. If he doesn’t ,carly will be killed. ….yeah, I say kill the bitch
Spock leaves a message to the world telling them to exile the autobots or else. Sam is taken to the NEST base, and since he has a bad guy watch that hurts him if he tries to tell anyone what is going on, this leads to MUGGING
hell , all shia does in is bitch, scream, and mug. In the 1st one he had LINES and ACTING to do. He was genuinely likeable! Here, All he does is bitch and whine. Lame
speaking of, I found another issue with his character: in the first two he wanted nothing more than to be a normal guy and not let this robot nonsense cloud his judgement. Here, he’s all high and mighty and wanting more when he has a good place, a medel from obama, and a hot ass girlfriend. Yes, I birhed about how they aren’t seeing him as a hero, but even then, the deal he has isn’t so bad
so anyway,. Back to the “plot”, the guys at NEST decide that living is better than dying, so they force the autobots to leave. But then John tuturo shows up to talk to the leader lady
“the view from here is excellent”
once again, this is dorky comedy. I can’t say that enouh
thankfully, that is cut short as the autobots prepare to leave. Sam, due to the robot watch, asks prime if they have any plans. They have none, as prime feels there is nothing else to do, and that he has failed
Hey, the closet we got to emotion! From exposationatron no less! Who bets this will end…now?
Even bumblebee, with his weird radio voice, tells sam he will also be his friend, but he must leave. Okay, now it falls flat, since…well I don’t care for these characters. Either way, emotion is nice
Sam even cries. Holy shit,. SAM shows an emotion other than..uh…uh…whatever he was doing before. Man, this is heavy. More emotion than the last one by far!
Now if only I cared…
Sam calls Dylan, who is happy that the autobots are simply leaving. Thus, sam crushes his bot watch,. Dylan tells Carly that the bad guys are pretty much putting their planet on earth. So all in all Dylan played the role “guy we thought was good but is bad cuz he just is”
the bad bots seall off the city, which dylan didn’t know about. Also, he still has carly cuz….pudding? I don’t know, they don’t explain why he went back on his deal
A Sad pop song plays as Sam drives off watching the carnage. Again, I appreciate the try but no cigar. Then Sam teams up with Tyrsee gibson here to go into Chicago and rescue Carly.
They see that the city is blocked, but sam thinks he should go him by himself. Gibson thinks is stupid, but sam says some bullshit about how he’s the reasons she’s here. Before I can bitch, some bad guys show up to kill them./
…then The autobots show up, and prime kills a bad guy. AWESOME.
Yep, they concealed themselves during the launch of their ship to convince the Decepticons they were destroyed as well as to prove to the humans that the Decepticons were untrustworthy.
….okay, I can’t find a legit plothole there, though maybe you can find one.
With some help, Sam makes it into Carly’s building. Sam pulls a gun on Dylan
“WHERE IS SHE?”
AND WHERE IS MY ACTING
Then a bird…worm…robot…thing attacks. It throws sam off the roof and he…is rescued by a autobot tank thing. Darn
Carly jumps to him and they hug. Then what does sam do to Starscream? RIP HIS HEAD OFF
- apologize for any bad thing said abut him. …okay, I don’t but that still badass!
Sam and Carly land on the ground as they hug again, resolving any plot tumor. Sam calls NEST a they roll out all their troops to stop the bad guys
at the same time, the bad guys roll out a giant big ass worm bot called shockwave that makes for a pretty awesome effect. Infact, as the good guys, humans, ans bad guys start their brawl, I must say the action is actually not too bad
unlike Fallen, we can make out the effects, and truly appreciate how well done they are. There’s more of a sense of awe and i’m glad I can praise that.
However, it’s still way too long. This entire last hour IS the climax. There are no “acts” just a bunch of shit. Even the last one almost kinda did. This whole bit with the humans rolling out takes 5 minutes and nothing happens in the plot. Again, Bay, trim it down!
They go back in the building to prep, but the bad bots start shooting at it.
“Why do the decipticons get all the good shit?”
…good point. What, don’t the good guys build good stuff?
So Then, as two bots go in, the humans jump out the window, and many glass injuries later, they slide down the falling building.
Again, that is awesome. Why did he wait til now to get…cool?!
They jump into another floor, with even more glass injuries and then shockwave wraps around the building and tears it up. Again, this is fantastic. The effect of the building falling as the robot crushes it is very well done and it looks like it’s really there.
But wait, here’s a problem! It’s the same shit from the first moviel. We’ve seen robots tearing up a city. This may be really awesome but it’s still the same. Even part 2 had the desert!
So even when this movie gets it right, it gets it wrong
So then Optimus comes in and starts shooting the big worm, which is again, pretty awesome. Granted it’s the same “he comes in at the last minute” crap but whatever
However, prime gets kicked on his ass. The decepticons start up the pillars. The humans hide in a building, but this other bad robot pops up to killl sam.
Guess who I’m, rooting for here
and…Sam is able to rip out his eye. Again, awesome. Another dude shows up to help sam, and they both grabs some bomb, or sharp thing and together, they kill the robot. Okay, even though I couldn’t tell what happened, it was still a little cool
Sentiel just laughs, as he is still winning
“You fail to understand that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the funny”
see, it’s funny cuz star trek exists and …nimoy was…in…yeah it’s not funny
he really starts the pillars, and the autobots are captured. But not as prisoners but to be killed. This one guy that looks like einstien who had like two lines is killed
bumblebee is next, he is able to knock some bad guys first. Then a big decepticon ship starts falling apart, which distracts them so that the bad guys can overpowered them
I should mention that the ship thing was thanks to Wheelie and brains who snuck in to it. Yay he finally did something other than hump legs
so now the good guys are fighting the bad guys. Even the humans help kill some bad guys, so it looks like the heroes have the upper hand Optimus comes in and is able to destroy one of the pillars
great job protecting those, spock
Speaking of, sentinel jumps down to put Prime in his place. It’s master vs master as they fight…and we don’t see a lot of it as cut to the other guys helping out. Yeah, please focus on the epic master battle, please?
Dylan (ohey he’s still in this movie) tries to turn the pillar back on, but sam jumps in. Dylan however, succeds in his goal.
But in another cut. Carly runs over to megatron, oh he’s in this too. I think I may have missed him but don’t blame me, they don’t make him very clear. Seriously, there was no need for megatron if he was gonna not be in it much
but THIS is stopped with a cut to sam. Can you focus on ONE PLOT POINT AT A TIME?! …anyway,even that is stopped with a cut to primes fight, which he is losing. His arm is torn off
then he tells prime he is his father…wait, wrong movie
oh, and how does the movie imply Carly’s bit went? Well, since this is in like…every movie ever, allow me to sum it up
“Hey, bad guy whose working for a bigger bad. Wouldn’t you rather be leader?”
“Go kill the bigger bad”
yeah. And now, this is not an awesome moment. Granted, I like that carly actually, you know, did something,, but not only was it cliché, it was dumb on megatron’s part. I mean, he would never fall for that shit.
So in the overall plot, it’s bigger than what Fox’s character did in fallen, but in the long run, it’s much dumber
Megatron pops in to kill Sentinel. At the same time,. Sam pinches Dylan into the pillar, destroying it and killing Dylan. Okay, another cool moment for sam. What I said about him still stands, but that was cool
This also causes cybertron to explode. Megatron asks prime for a truce, which he declines. Yeah, piss off the guy who was basically HELPING you
Optimus kills Megatron, which thus ruinng one of the best villains ever. Thank you Bay and or the writers.
Spock asks for forgiveness
“You didn’t betray me. You betrayed yourself”
prime kills him. Badass. Not exactly much of a final battle though. For an hour long climax…it was solved kind of easily
whatever, the movie’s almost over. The day is saved, and sam runs to Carly.
“I love you”
that’s about the extent of that storyline. Lovely. They don’t really discuss the issue she had earlier, they just hug and kiss.
Infact, her issue was that he was focusing and the bots. Due to that focus he has now saved the world. So thus, her story part was pointless
A few rings drop from Bumblebee’s body, which means MARRIAGE BEFORE THEY KNOW EACH OTHER YAY
and as everyone stands out, the Exposition-a-tron helps out
“There will be days when we loose faith. Days when our allies turn against us. But the day will; never come that we forsake this planet”
and…then it ends. No big epilogue, and no other loose ends or tied it just kind of ends. Like a rusty engine that finally gave up,. A fitting metaphor for this movie./
This movie sucks. It just sucks
The plot is a muddled mess, with a story that did not need to be told, with plot poiints that either go nowhere, or are resolved quickly. The characters are one note and make really dumb choices, and are often neglected like megatron
Even prime, as awesome as he is, gets his dumb moments. The other autobots are done okay but are dull. The new characters are even worse, being pointless like Dylan, or just not interesting, like Sentinel.
It’s hard to explain why the plot and characters are bad, since I said why during the course of this review,.i’ll just say the the whole moon stuff makes no sense, and in the end, it was just dull.
Infact, that’s my main issue: IT’S BORING. It’s so ungodly boring. There is no sense of awe for most of this movie. It’s full of scenes where nothing happens and all the charm it could have had is sucked out with poor writing]
It gets more exciting in the 2ned half, but still rather dumb and the plot is still bad. Bay was butthurt from the bad reviews of the last movie and tried to make a movie that more well received
that’s fine, but he spent too much time just taking the “dorky comedy” and annoying parts out than actually FIXING the plot and character problems. It also becomes a bit soap opera-ish, which just doesn’t work. I like emotion, but it feels Rather forced and just there cuz that’s what people like.
It also rehashes everything we’ve seen before, bringing little new things. What new things are just dull, except for the cool new bad guys (the worm for example).
The other new thing is Carly. You all know how I felt about her. Story wise, she served the same purpose as Fox so that was pointless. But unlike Fox in the first movie, she is /completely/ dull and does nothing to make me like her, even with that megatron thing. Add in a dumb plot tumor in the middle, and she is just terrible. Hot-ness aside, I dislike her.
How does sam get hot chicks that he has nothing in common with anyway?
Back to the point, the effects are great, as is the sound design, and even some of the action scenes. Which brings us to out finale question…is it worse than part 2?
in the end…it’s better. SLIGHTLY. It has action sequences that are decent and well filmed, which Fallen did not have. While the first half is much worse, the overall film is better. But by like a gnat’s weight
but despite that, it’s still a piece of shit. Maybe you could just watch part of the 3rd act, which is better cool but other than that, there’s nothing here. Nothing for Transformers fans, and nothing for anyone with a brain.
But sadly, this is now the 5TH HIGHEST GROOSING MOVIE OF ALL TIME. I hate humanity
At least we won’t see another bad Micheal Bay Transformers movie