Home Alone: The Holiday Heist

Hello, Spongey here.

Tonight i’ll be reviewing Home Alone….5

000000000000shitpnffanssay

God, I wish.

No, I’ll be looking at the one that they actually made. To recap Home Alone 1 was good, 2 was okay, 3 sucked, and 4 REALLY sucked. I even reviewed it last april, it was that bad.

So why make part 5? 4 bombed in the ratings, so I don’t get it, Okay, this one is actually in name only. Yep, like part 3, there is no Kevin. Hell, it’s not even called home alone 5 as you can see. So it’s more of a stand alone. Granted, 4 wasn’t called 4, but it had Kevin in it.

Either way, it’s a Home Alone movie. From the director of Bill and Ted 2 and Garfield the movies comes part 5 in the EPIC HOME ALONE SAGA.

This, is Home alone: The Holiday Heist

We open with the baxter family, as they heading to their new house. Our hero is Finn-

Original_Finn

Pfft, I wish.

They are moving to maine, which means they might run into Tim curry or floating balls. Finn and his sister Alexis, are a bit busy with tech devices which will no doubt set up a forced message letter on.

Finn is played by some unknown, while Alexis is Jodelle Ferland, who I remember from two Haunting hour episodes, one which was on my top 11.  How the mighty have fallen.

Of course their house looks kinda creepy, which only reinforces my Stephen King joke.  Dad is a tad bit too excited about a new house and even says the house looks good. The house is rather spacy, which is good for dad. Alexis jokingly says that the house is haunted, which is why they got a good deal.

“People get really good deals if they find a dead body in the basement”

Of course this scares spineless little Finn. Yeah, I think I should be comparing this to Goosebmps. The real esate lady shows up, hands them the keys, and walks off.

FINN: is this house haunted?

She laughs surrealistically weird at it. Either she’s a bad actor, or she’s hiding something,. Possibly both.

“It just has…personality”

Whatever, it’s time to meet the villains! We got Sinclair, Jessica and Hughes. Hughes is their new guy, and also the token black.

Sinclair is played by…Malcolm McDowell . Really. He must have nothing going on right now. Heck, I read some recent interviews from him that say he’s PROUD of this!

Granted, Malcom seems pretty cool in this role, and he sounds like he’s having fun. Hell, i’ll take him over French Stewart any day. So they are hanging out in a limo, while Sinclair, their leader, provides some background info about the house. It was owned by some guy who owned a painting called “The widow”, which Sinclair has been looking for.

Infact, they’ve been looking for this painting for awhile, cuz Jessica says this is a wild goose chase. Also, all these guys are actually kinda funny. Granted, your mileage may vary on some of the jokes-

“This sounds like a wild goose chase, i’m Out”

“it’s worth 80 billion dollars”

“I’m in, is what I mean to say”

But hey, the actors put EFFORT in the lines, so again, step up from 4. Oh, they don’t know that someone has moved on. Oh boy…

Back with the family, Mom gets an invite to a holiday party at her new bosses house. After that, Dad walks in on Alexis listening to music, and tries to get her to talk to him, but to no avail.

“Wanna help me unpack?”

“I’d rather die”

“Perfect”!

Heh, that was funny. Wow, maybe this won’t be so bad after all. Dad also talks to finn, who is busy with an online game. Dad isn’t happy that he has a friend who hasn’t really met. He wants him to get out more, so he forces finn to help unpack.

Again, I can see what the message will be but…..I can think of worse ways to do it.  So anyway, next they gotta put stuff in the basement, which doesn’t please finn. He’s pretty scared due to being… well 10.

Down there, he finds a bookcase that opens up and reveals the painting that we heard about it. I’m disappointed that the basement didn’t take him in another room, scooby doo style.

Actually, he finds a pic of the painting, as he finds a safe that he can’t open. There is some text on it that says “Dead leg is watching you”.

This is less like home alone, and more like …Well goosebumps, as I said earlier. He runs screaming, and he doesn’t tell the parents what he found cuz something like that isn’t worth mentioning. Instead, mom asks him to go outside and meet new friends.

He heads out and meets a kid named Mason, Mason is a normal kid, who is doing christmas stuff, like building  a snowman. Oh he and thinks the house is haunted, by a gangster who died there.

“i’d like to hang out with you, but i’m too young to die”

What a dick. That night, both Finn and Alexis are reluctant  to go to sleep due to being busy with their stuff.  Mom talks to her about how this move was for the best. Yeah, you can tell what the moral is: Don’t smoke.

Dad and mom talk about how the kids don’t appracte her and she is kinda sad. But dad assures her that things will go fine.

“Alexis hates me”

“that’s…okay she hates me”

damn it, why is this movie getting funny lines?!

She also goes over how finn doesn’t have real friends, and how she doesn’t like this,. Maybe you shouldn’t have spoil him in the first place, ever think of that? Okay, to be fair this isn’t a bad moral, and they give weight to hell. This scene isn’t too bad, as this parents do get good character stuff

Finn can’t sleep cuz of being a pussy, and walks in his parents in fear. He’s 10, that’s a bit too told to be doing that, don’t ya think?

“You are too old to be afraid of ghosts”

see?

They make him go back to bed. He does so, and actually is able to sleep, until he hears some  clanking. It turns out to be dad. Yeah, this really is starting to feel like goosebumps

oh, and had a ghost trap set up, which involves a stun gun and a tent.  No comment. Finn tries to concinces dad that there is a ghost. Dad assures him that there is none

back with the robbers, they see that someone has moved on,. They set up a joke and…didn’t make the joke  that’s like dropping a banana  peel and having no one slip on it.

They plan to strike when no one is home. After ABC family’s shit load of ads, we cut to the next morning.  They plan to go out and pick a christmas tree

Finn is STILL uppity about the ghost.

MOM: there’s no such things as ghost, esspcialy at christmastime

ALEXIS: Ghost of christmas past, ghost of christmas present, ghost of christmas future, marley’s ghost–

After that, finn sets up more ghost traps. Again, this is really feeling like a goosebumps book and not home alone. At all. Granted, it’s having some good moments, but even 3 tried to insert a bit of home alone in it.

This seems like a flimsy excuse to have traps before finn knows about the robbers. Anyway, they go out to get a tree. With that, we get a christmas montage, with as “eh” as you’d expect.

Whatever, let’s join the robbers as they break in. Sinclair being the straight man, doesn’t want them to be silly as the try to find the painting. He’s also smart and finds the safe finn found.

Hughes, being the safe-cracker tries to get into it. They find…nothing. Sinclair isn’t too happy. . Nor is Jessica, on lookout, when she hears the family coming

“oh, crap!”

They try to make a break for it, and Finn even catches a small glimpse, thinking it’s the ghost. They make it out without too much trouble. But Sinclair, sees the parry invite taped to the fridge, and now knows when they will be out.

Of course the parents doesn’t believe him about the ghost. Oh, and the black guy ate some cookies from the house, and finn cites this as evidence. Oh, and his ghost trap had been broken (wow, these crooks were actually smart) which proves his case

Dad can’t argue with that, since he saw the trap being set before they left. Mom thinks they are being stupid. They check the basement to see if anything is down there. They find nothing…but hear a sound and now dad is pretty scared too.

The next day, it’s time for the party. The kids did not really listen earlier, and aren’t keen on going out. You think they would have been more keen giving the stuff that happened. Idiots.

“There will be other kids there”

“that I have to talk to!”

our hero, ladies and gentlemen! Granted, that is the point but you’d think he would get a clue now.

“put on your shows, i’m gonna murder your sister”

that was also funny

Pissed at them, she bitches at them, for good reason. Of course alexis isn’t happy either and she also bitches

“You too will stay here”

yep, the kids are forced to stay him. Alexis is told to be in charge. Yeah, that’s the reason for leaving them home alone. Okay, they do have in an story reason this time but…they could have gotten a real babysitter. After that bit, they should even trust Alexis, since she’d likely break all the rules

just saying, it’s a little flimsy

granted, she does take away, their shit, but my point still stands.

“have fun not being part of this family. Merry christmas!”

yikes. I’d say that’s too far, but hey, i’d do that too. So anyway, the robbers think they are all gone, so it’s break in time.  Well not really. First, they gotta buy some tools and stuff. Here, he revels some new info

That painting, is of sinclair’s, great grand mothers. Yes, she was so pretty that the painter painted that. It was stolen by someone, hence why he wants it so much. At least our robber’s have a good reason for robbing the place.

So the parents drive off, and mom actually wonders if she what she did was smart. Dad, says it;’ll be fine for the kids. Yeah, I doubt that. And with that, we cut to home where finn is breaking all the rules

gee, I never expected that to happen. This leads to a typical montage of him going crazy which isn’t all that funny.  But not criminally so

The parents arrive at the party. Here we meet her boss, played by Ed asner. Of course, he didn’t have a santa to play, so head to muscle in on this chirstmas movie somehow

The boss thinks dad looks exactly like his (dead) butler, Albert. Oh god, if that was a weird references to alfred i’ll shoot myself.

“so the have kids, 7 of them!”

“two”

“eh, it’s for the best”

back at home, Finn’s game controller’s batteries run out so he looks for some more. GRIPPING DRAMA. He finds one but it falls under the basement door. Wow, that’s one fast battery if it rolls all the way under there.

So yeah, now has to go down there, despite being scared. So he asks Alexis to go get it for him. She decides to do so.  They go down together. Finn shows her the place with the painting. Upon bushing the now open empty safe, the wall falls down, revealing a secret room

okay, I guess the smart robbers didn’t push hard enough. Eh, they’re still smart than most movie robbers. Here they find the real painting, which they don’t know is important, being a bitch for no real reason, tells her that the lady in the painting is watching Finn. He jumps like a pansy and runs out. Wimp!

After finn runs out, she looks around the room some more. She finds a shelf full of bottles and sees  a sign that says-

“Touch my hooch and you’ll regret it”

my god that sounds dirty. Also, are they implying that those bottles have beer/? You know, for kids!

She does touch one and the door to the room closes on her. Wah wah. Back with the parents,  they get snowed in, and they can’t leave. I guess asnwer can’t just open up his balloons and lift the house away

“I have plaenty more adult eggnog”

again, you know for kids

with Alexis trapped , and finn now knowing where she is, Finn plays some more games. Finn sends a voice chat to the guy he always plays with ,and of course he is a fat nerd. He is shocked to hear that finn Is a little kid

Finn also finds out that this guy is pretty poor, plays his game all the time and doesn’t visit his family. Yeah, this message is pretty subtle, right? It’s not that they handle ir badly. Hell, it has more moral value than any of the other home aline sequels. It’s just….anvilicous

“If you’re alone, it’s nol really christmas”

oh, the start of character development!  Okay, it’s time for the robbers to show up again. Finn sees a glimpse  of one guy, and thinks he is a ghost. The robbers also think there is a ghost, and the black guy and the chick think finn is the ghost when he turns on the lights. Of course sinclair isn’t fooled

the other guys even run away, leaving Sinclair to himself. Finn then hears Alexis calling for help (why didn’t she cry out earlier?) and ends up finding out she is stuck in the secret room. So now he’s gotta find a way to get her out.

He goes to the store to get some supplies due to being…well a kid, he has no money to get anything good, except some twine. On the way out, he runs into sinclair, and he recognizes him as the “ghost”. He follows him and hears him talking to the other guys, who still refuse to fo in the house.

“How much does it take you to do the job you were hired to do? That is, break into an  empty house and steal a simple painting”

wow, that was REALLY forced.  They guys want a bigger split of the money of the money that the painting is worth, since they think there is a ghost

. I can’t help but feel that this is weird. I mean, the whole robber thing isn’t exactly put into the story horribly well. Granted, it’s better than 3 and 4, which really had the story be flimsy due to them. I think the writers wanted to give this movie more substance, but it could have worked if  the ghost thing was downplayed

not saying that this is bad, since it makes it a bit more complex than the typical home alone story. I just think they could have worked the robbers in more.

But anyway, back with alexis…welll, you see earlier she told mom on the phone that she reading a magazine article

“it’s not war and peace or anything, but i’m still reading”

so what book does she find in the secret room? War and peace. Okay, I admit that’s a tad funny

Finn tells her about the robbers. She doesn’t buy it. So finn tells the fat guy about it, and asks for help. He tells them that he should set traps. Okay, now we’re getting into the good stuff

He spills some water on the steps (way to rip off the first movie), spills marbles in the garage,  sets up a snow plower to shoot out the marbles ,  places a bucket of tar above a window and finally, makes a plate of horrible gingerbread men with a glass of  (glue) and if one of the crooks tries to use the sink, he has placed pillow feathers and flour there.

okay, those traps are fine. At least there was some effort  put into some of those, unlike 3 and 4.

So the robbers show up, and actually notice that there is water on the walkway, so they break into the garage instead. Of course they do end up facing the marbles. After being pelted by marbles, black guy drops down

Jessica  tries the windor\w

“I ain’t afraid of no ghost”

LAME

she ends up with a face full of tar. Why is tar is just laying around a house for  child to find anyway?

Sinclair gets into the house without too much trouble. Finn talks to the fat guy, who is now believing his story for real. He ask for finn’s address so he can call the cops, but finn refuses due to stranger danger

“there are crooks trying to invade your home”

EXACTLY!

He talks to alexis, who suggests that he calls the cops. However,  the phone Is dead. Back with the parents, they want to get home, but the snow has gotten worse.

“”I have two amazing kids and they’re home alone!”

whoa…for the first time in like 2 movies, the parents are CONCERNED about all this! Wow, this IS better than  the last one!

“I want to home to my kids. This is more important than my job”

damn, the writers got smart for once!

Ed Asner reveals that he has some friends that can help. Back with the robbers, Sinclair went out back to help the other guys. Finn, from above, slingshots some balls to jessica’s ass. Lovely.

She assumes the guys are doing it, and she her kicks knock them out. The parents, meanwhile, are driving home, as Ed’s friends have helped clear some now. Then, the fat guy (wikipedia says his name is simon, but the movie doesn’t say that yet) somehow finds the parents number and calls about finn

“How do you know our son?”

“we met alone and”

“what!”

“…that came out wrong”

“how did you get this number?”

“I hacked finn’s  gamer tag”

oh.

And of course mom assumes that simon (now he says it( is a crook has kidnapped the kids, due to simon’s bad word phrasing.

“I WILL RUIN YOU!”

damn, mommy just got badass!

Back with the robbers, they are still a bit ghost crazy. Sinclair climbs up to a higher window. They all make it into the house, except for Sinclair. Hughes wants to some gingerbread men, and pays for it, for reasons mentioned earlier.

The sink fails, again, for reasons said earlier. Why this was needed to catch the crooks, I have no idea.  Oh no, they’ve been minorly  inconvenienced!

Sinclair does make it eventually, and any attempt by finn to think there’s a ghost, fails since Sinclair is smart. Though a voice trick by finn pretty much gets him to believe in  the ghost.

Sinclair runs into some traps and finally sees finn, and finds out this was all a little boy. Due to the trap, disincline is wrapped up in wrapper paper, so finn pushes him down the stairs.

Oh, and the parents called the police on simon due what happened, so they show up at his house. I just found that amusing to mention

Sinclair gets up quickly, and they are able to capture Finn. Yay, competence!  They lock him in their van.  Sinclair and Hughes head down to the basement, about to find the secret room

but just then,. Jessica gets a call from an ex, and gets distracted. Oh, and remembers that kid finn met earlier, who making a snowman. He shows up and pelts her with snowballs, like  a boss.

Long story short, the insane amount of snowballs knocked her out. Back with simon, he is able to convince them that the robbers are at finn’s house. On that note,.  The robbers make into the room, only to find Alexis.  She stand her ground, protecting the painting. They fight over it for a bit. We also get a bit of finn breaking out of the van. However, Black guy and Sinclair fight over who gets it, which gives Alexis time to escape before the door shuts on the robbers.

With that, the police show, as per Simon’ call. The parents show  up and are informed of what happened.

Thus, the robbers are taken to jail. They mope as they are taken away, and thus the day is saved. We cut to later, as they are setting up the tree.

The parents apologize for bitching at him, and Finn says that he has learned his lesson and that both he and alexis will get out more. Also, dad finds out about the painting and how much it’s worth. As a finder’s fee, the family gets …free passes to the museum

hardy har har

Alexis isn’t happy either, but mom says that they are safe, and that’s reward enough. But they  got 30 grand for capturing the criminals. Breaking the moral, or harmless joke?  You make the call

They also call simon and apologize for all this. To make it up, they give simon money to buy a plane tick to go home to his family

Thus, we get the christmas scene, where they open presents and are very happy. Finn receives a snowboard and an expansion pack to his video game for Christmas. And of course, he goes snowboarding, as he has learned the moral

The parent watch this happily.

But before we end, we see the robbers at the police station,  as one of the police officers splices a copy of the mugshots into a portrait shot. The movie ends there. You could have ended on the parents, but i’ll take it.

Final Thoughts:

Here are words I never thought I would type: home alone 5 isn’t that bad

I know, I’,m shocked too .granted it’s now THAT good, but hell, it’s watchable. For one thing, it’s a huge improvement over part 4. the acting is actually decent, especially from the sister, who plays a good “bitchy teen” but also ends up being one of the best parts. Even finn isn’t too bad, though has his moments of “meh-ness”.

The traps are also cool, the villains are mostly smart, and mostly a lot fun, thanks to maclom.  The characters themselves are fine, and even likable at points. The moral is VERY heavy handed, but it’s not too badly done.it does lead to some good scenes, where the characters actually evolves and get good chemistry.

So characters are actually well done, the acting is fine, and the villains are fun. What stops it from being all around good?  Finn is a bit un-likeable in the 2nd half, and the writers needed to tighten up so the end could be more rewarding

the pacing also needed work, so the family parts and crook parts didn’t clash so hard. That and some jokes were hit or miss. But as a whole, joking aside, it’s a little decent

and, it does end up feeling like Home alone. I know what I said earlier, but after looking it over, it captures the feeling of the first two well. The robber part is actually well put into the family parts with the painting thing, they are funny, and in the end, it gets a good lesson and the story has some cute parts.

So while 4 was a crap movie with home alone in the title, 5 is simply a sub-par, but okay home alone film. Would I watch a lot? Nah. If someone wanted to watch it, would I  allow it? Yes. Will all adults like it? Nah, due to some bits. But for kid’s, it’s pretty good and maybe even you may enjoy it.

I’m not saying it’s perfect, or even too good. It has plenty of issues that will turn you .but for what it is, it’s not that bad!

Grade: B-

Even that grade feels weird to give.

 

 

See ya

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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