A Thousand Words

Hello, Spongey here

Eddie murphy.

Sigh. Eddie, what happened?

Adam Sandler, kevin james, Will Ferrel, and Eddie ,murphy. All actors in the same leauge. They can be funny when…actually funny. Out of all of them,, Will pisses me off the least cuz hey, he’s not those other guys.

But Eddie is different. He’s not like Adam who did a movie that ruined his chances of being good again.  He is just…misguided.

His problem is different. He’s not a completely unfunny hack who needs a good writer to exploit his good side. He’s simply a stupid man who keeps letting people cast  him  in movies’ because..

“It’s eddie murphy, it’ll be funny just cuz he’s in it”

No. it won’t. For Eddie, it’s a casting problem. It’s not like he’s a bad actor. He just gets, for lack of a better word-..pussywhipped

“okay eddie, we’re putting you in this dumb kid’s movie cuz you’re funny in them”
“but I think i-“
“do I need to slap you with my ring hand?”

It’s like that. He started out with funny roles that people could trust him in. but then he hit all time lows with movies like “Norbit” and pluto nash. When I watch his movies now, I see a bad writer controlling a puppet. It’s really sad.

…But he was funny in the shrek movies (mostly) so maybe he has some good in him. Some. And much like those other guys, he finally hit an all-time low.  How low?

0 percent on rotten tomatoes.

Yes, this is said to be as bad as Bucky Larson. You remember that right? Nothing can be worse.

But first, two things. This film  was originally filmed in 2008, to be released in 2009, but was repeatedly delayed. No one wanted to put  this out, so it got delayed until 2012.

Cabin in the woods had that. Except it was good. This …doesn’t seem good.

But wait, who directed this? Brian robbins? Director of Norbit and Meet dave? This guy loves eddie!

But what else has he produced or worked on?

*Fred the movie*
..
…what did the writer do?

*jack and jill*

….Fuck.

This, is A Thousand Words

We open on a cracked picture frame of Eddie Murphy. What a perfect metaphor.

“My name is Jack McCall. If you can hear me, what you’re listening to is not the sound of my voice”

Screeching cat, jabbering hyena,  I get that a lot.

“it’s my inner voice. I’d like to talk to you, but I can’t”

That means the move’s over, bye!

“If I say just one more sentence out loud, I’ll die”
Is that a threat or a promise?

We then cut to a bit before that, as we see Jack McCall (Eddie Murphy) talking to a dude on the phone. He talks a bit and already I can’t wait for him to shut up.

We see him hanging out with his wife and son. And right away, it;’s time for him to change the baby and give us a shit joke.

“Oh god, shaq snuck in and shit in the baby’s diaper”

Classic 2008 humor that isn’t dated at all!

After that. He heads to a starbucks, and tries to cut in line

“If you do that, I will run you over in the parking lot”

Hey, it’s the best character in the movie!

So what does he do? Pretend he’s on the phone talking to a wife in labor to make them let him in fast. What a prick. At least the movie will improve him…right?

We cut to him at the therapist. The same person you need after this movie. We also see him talking.

And talking.

He rambles on and on. he goes from caring too much, to people in restaurants. I’d quote it, but I think I’d die trying. Seriously, stop him before he kills someone!

Even the poor doc here can’t get a word in. You can make your main character a dick, but make us like him, or want him to change. Don’t make us want him to die a painful death!

Jack leaves after this and heads to his job. What is he? A literary agent.

Really. This movie has to try to be this dated, people.  Anyway, we see him talking on the phone about manuscripts and we see his office, where many of those remain untouched

We also see his assistant, aaron, played by Clark Duke. You know, that kid in hot tub machine. He was funny in that.

Guess how funny he is here.

Eddie comes and Aaron tries to get a word on how he wants to stretch his wings, but due to him being normal, Eddie isn’t having it.

He asks if he read a certain script, and of course, the answer is no.

“All your best books have everything you need to know in the first and last 5 pages”

He then shows him this with an example and you know for a guy who talks fast, he sure is boring.

I am bored and annoyed, a terrible combo.

After that,we cut to a meeting where Eddie talks about Dr Sinja, a new age self help guru.  Played by Cliff Curtis. He’s been in stuff…one of which was ozai in the last airbender

Is this movie just a evil plan to combine every movie I hate?

“He’s outselling, Celine Dion, u2, billy gram, and Hannah Montana”

Oh 2008 jokes, you always get old.

He tells the guys this is all “new age bullshit crap” but this chick says  it’s a spiritual movement.

“I have a spiritual movement when I eat a bran muffin”
I have one when I watch this movie

Anyway, he needs this guy to sign with him cuz publicity.  So we then cut to him visiting Sinja with his gang of merry new age followers doing spirit crap

He says the typical stuff, while eddie pretends to be invested. In order to get the attention of him like another guy did, he cries.

“H sees the blue pearl” (some chick who is in this “gang”).

He takes Eddie to be healed and stuff. He lies and says he usually is silent and sprit-y and that he saw the “Blue pearl”

Right away,. He jumps to the book deal. He pushes him off right away, smart guy, I wish the director pushed him away.

He follows DR sinja to a place with some trees, and when the doc just says “aren’t you amazed by trees”, eddie jumps into a big spiel.

I really am bored now. I have no jokes so far. But bucky Larson did the same and…well yeah. We’ll just wait, Only 10 minutes in after all.

“What are you talking about?”

A valid question.
He tells the doc that he likes his book and wants to sell  it for everyone’s good. Lies are the glue that gold society together…

Sinja says if he sells the book it was meant to be sold, and will spread his ways. They shake on it.

And with that, he signed ,and our plot is almost getting started!

So he visits his mother. On her birthday. If he does anything asshole-y I am out. Oh, and she thinks Jack is ramond..her husband who died.

INCEST ALERT.
As it turns out, he was called there, because mom is slipping, and won’t even eat without Raymond. Wow, a chance of depth.

They won’t go with it, will they?

During a talk, he keeps trying to make her know he is not Raymond, but jack. She also seems peeved at jack for missing her birthday and such

Okay, with such complex mental issues, this needs to be a movie about that, not a movie with-

“shaq snuck in here and took a shit”

It doesn’t exactly work!

It just comes out of nowhere. It’s a drive by tear jerker, and it doesn’t’ work cuz I don’t care. This could have worked, if the writing wasn’t shit.

With that, eddie heads home. He talks with his wife (Kerry Washington) about getting a new house, but eddie is against it.

See, she thinks raising a family in their current oneis bad  cuz do you really care. Point is, eddie wants this house, she doesn’t

This house has the feel of a bachelor pad, because that’s funny I guess.  Eddie decides to do it..,.

Paint the media room for kid’s.

“An all new low for you jack”

I side with her. And then, boom, a tree grows in the backyards. Right there. Eddie goes out and sees this big ass Bodhi tree. Well…it’s a tree anyway.

He questions why the tree is there, since the Gardner was off duty. Of course his reaction should be-

“A TREE JUST FUCKING GREW OUT OF NOWHERE”

But hey, who cares?
Oh, and earlier, in Sinja’s place, a tree hurt eddie when he touched it, giving him a splinter. This is that tree.

He thinks it is a gift from Sinja…and I seriously wonder why his reaction is small. A tree pops up and you think it’s normal. A fully grown tree in the span of a minute? Normal!

He decides to keep it cuz why not. The next day, he heads to work, and Aaron tells him Sinja sent his book

It’s 5 pages long. And I thought that bad gag would go nowhere! He takes out said book. Upon seeing it, he gets angry (without even reading it) and  heads to Sinja again.

He bitches at Sinja for what he did, and he takes him home to show him the tree. Sinja notices that some branches oddly don’t have a leaf on them. Sinja thinks, and asks eddie to say something

He says “say what” and two leaves fall down. Yep, for every word he says,. a leaf falls from the tree.  and what happens  when a tree uses it’s leaves?

“That means the tree is dead”

“…So i could die”

Hey, this movie’s gonna have a happy ending after all!

Yep, that’s our premise. for every word eddie murphy says, he gets closer to death. I admit, it’s a good idea but so far it’s not done too well.

“i got a thousand words left?”

Title drop!

Eddie doesn’t like this and tries to cut the tree down but to no avail. Also, sinja doesn’t explain this at all.

“i  didn’t do this”

“The universe cursed me?”

“Maybe”

So in other words, the writer couldn’t think of a good explanation.  heck, sinja didn’t even know this was possible. So the tree would have shown up without sinja’s involvement? So he’s pointless!

Sinja is leaving for Bolvia to discuss this thing with his friends. so until then, jack can’t talk. So a man who lies a lot, is forced to not talk, or use his lies

So this is Liar liar, only without the humor.

Atter a pointless dream scene, jack wakes up the next day. But when he writes down some words…he finds out those count to his limit as well.

Well that’s fucking cheap. fuck you universe!

So he heads to starbucks…where the employee is  played by jack mcbrayer. Two reviews in a row, I run into a wreck it ralph actor. What are the fucking odds?!

Of course this lead to some HILARIOUS hijinks where he tries not to talk. After that, he heads off.to his therapist where more HILARIOUS hijinks ensue. Thankfully, it’s short as he heads to work.

And once again, HIJINX . you think a comedy with this premise would be funny, but it’s just dumb and pointless. So yeah his silent stuff doesn’t sit with Aaron, who thinks eddie is mad cuz he knows that Aaron and his friend do it in animal costumes on his des.

…yeah

After that, Eddie is pulled to talk to some client to talk about sinja.  and of course, he has to talk to  a guy…without talking too much. I swear, that’s the movie’s only joke. nothing else.

“Life is a journey”

of course those words don’t work. but then we find out that whatever happens to the tree, happens to him. So when some squirrels run on it…he gets ansty.

Why that had to happen, i have no idea.

So anyway, Eddie heads to a dinner with those clients, and brings Aaron to do all the talking. Aaron tries to act like eddie…which means some “white guy acting like black guy” humor. oh joy/

It’s dumb. the clients don’t sit well with Aaron so they get pissed. They walk off. then eddie heads to his son’s class, where the same joke happens when they sing a song.

Seriously, this about as bad as the hottie and nottie. It’s just a series of scenes with the EXACT SAME JOKE!

That night, the wife wants to talk. She is happy that he is hanging with the boy, but eddie says he can’t do this. and once again, we have that joke, but this time it has importance to the story.

Also, this is just a chance for eddie murphy to mug a lot. LOTS OF MUGGING.

Se gets pissed and is pissed about how dumb he is being. He tries to explain the tree thing without talking, and it doesn’t work. Thus, she walks off.

So eddie calls sinja for an update. He has nothing so he says bye. Well that was pointless. He heads to starbucks, to talk to fix it felix again.

Its short and let’s skip. So now he has a call with a new client, which means more of the same. To avoid talking, he uses the speech box of an austin powers doll. I wish i was kidding.

That fails so he uses other talking dolls, which only get him in deep shit. Yes, they can’t tell the difference between a dolls voice and a human’s. REALLY.

Thankfully one doll helps close the deal. So next, eddie heads to his wife’s work where not only is it empty, but she is there in a sexy outfit so they can do it.

It looks QUITE nice…but i can’t show a pic cuz i can’t find one and i’m watching this on HBO.

It goes fine but…she asks him to talk about the stuff he wants to do. yep, more of that same fucking joke.

“The more you say, the more i do”

Movie, you’re a cocktease. so yeah, she gets pissed cuz he won’t talk.

“are you still in love with me?”

Welp, we got drama bullshit. This would work if it wasn’t so…forced. It’s hard to describe but it feels like they put this in just to put it in. It’s also quite cliche.

Cuz he isn’t talking (he doesn’t sacrifice like 10 words to say what she needs to hear. our hero!) she walks off.

But he then explains the tree thing in brief words. She …doesn’t buy it,

“jack, get out”

He leaves…in his undies. Uh, didn’t he have clothes on before they got nude? What, she didn’t let him take his shirt? After finding clothes, he heads to the clients to discuss sinja’s book.

Oh, and back at home, a Gardner tries to poison the tree with DDt. which means…it effects jack,. and…he gets high.

It’s as lame and un-funny as it sounds.  Upon hearing the book is just 5 pages, they walk out.

“Jack, you’re fired”

wah-wah

Of course, he gets pissed and talks to Aaron. Well..not talk..BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. So using chalk drawings, he tells Aaron about the tree thing. He gets it right away, but doesn’t buy it.

So Eddie takes him home to show him the tree. he “tells” aaron to keep an eye on the  tree (yeah he doesn’t do anything else after “proving” his case) while he runs off.

Then, he goes around town, doing good deeds for people. However, the leaves keep falling as he talks. Then he goes home and looks through a family photo album, in a scene that’s meant to be moving, but comes across as lame to me.

Which brings us to…a weird scene. Eddie sits down, gets in a weird praying motion, then ….we jump to a flashback with young eddie and his mom….with present day eddie there talking to them and expecting the others to see him.

and when he does talk,…

“dad, you were never here. you left”

So out of nowhere he kind of prays then jumps into a flashback and…WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! It comes out of nowhere. i guess it’s meant to symbolize something..but what?!

Moving on, sinja returns home and eddie “talks” to him. He tells him about what happened with the wife and his job. of course he gets pissed at sinja, but he keeps calm.

He tells eddie that no one knows about the tree at all.  He says eddie should  make peace in all of his relationships and find his true self or something. Yeah, sinja went through all that to tell him something a 5 year old could predict.

“you need to be quiet with your mind”

In other words, stop mugging?

What he means, is that eddie should SHOW her that he loves her. This would be sweet if i cared. This is so cliche, so been done, that i can’t care.

So Eddie heads home and finds Aaron. though all eddie does is get drunk, which is something i could do to get through this movie.

Depressed, he yells at the tree like an idiot. Aaron yells at him to stop talking, like the audience is. Then eddie goes inside and sings along to a song…really. Yeah, he’s petty much killing himself.

Sort of like how he choose this movie to kill his career.

Aaron then beats eddie up, in the movie’s best scene. Aaron tapes eddie’s mouth shut, thank god. The next morning, eddie wakes up to find that only one branch of leaves remain.

Then he  waters the tree, and starts talking in his mind.

“My name is Jack McCall, if you can hear me, what you’re listening to is not the sound of my voice”

And thus, we wrap around to the start. Okay, that’s kind of clever how they did that. doesn’t excuse the rest of the movie, but whatever.

With that, he heads to the wife’s place. He simply takes her hand and talks like a tarzan, and I guess that works. He walks off after that. How disgustingly simple.

He even goes to starbucks to give Irving a beatles record. Yeah it was part of a running joke which wasn’t funny the first time. With each thing he mends, he says exactly the right words.

He walks about and the movie keeps trying to be “spiritual”. It’s really weird and it really does’t wor. It suddenly gets all sad or something and expects us to get into it . Sorry, but you’re pulling it on way too thick.

This is really emotionally manipulative  to me. and i usually hate it when people say that. Any sad moment is made to be sad. but when i say this is all done simply to make you sad and bring about morals that don’t need to be told, you better fucking believe me.

Putting drama in comedy is fine, hell most comedies do it. This movie, however, puts it on way too think. I know, i said i liked click, which also did that. But that had the writing, and the creative premise to back it. This movie has jack….shit.

It goes on too long too, this scene with him walking and seeing stuff, going on for like a few minutes and it should get to the freaking point already.

So Eddie goes to his mom, who still thinks eddie is her dead husband. She tells “raymond” that jack always  comes through for her. Yeah, this is another manipulative moment.

“jack’s my only reason to live….but…i think he believes you left cuz of him…he’d be happier if he let it all go”

Yeah, you know what is happening. She tells Raymond that he needs to tell jack what he means to him. Yeah why out of nowhere she says this, i have no idea. It’s more manipulative  crap that i don’t care for.

So Eddie realizes exactly what he needs to do. He goes to his father’s grave. With that, we get…that weird scene again,. You know, with him sitting down, and the young eddie.

That happens again, only here he stands, and it’s in the graveyard. Young eddie doesn’t think that old eddie is not his dad. It’s the same as with the mom only different and…it stops as soon as it starts. Not even gonna say it.
Eddie looks at the grave and..

“I forgive you”

Those are the last 3 words from the tree. and…eddie dies. The end!

Okay, it’s not the end. It rains but by the power of god, Eddie gets back up and is alive again. Aaron calls him and says that the tree has grown back. With that, eddie has fixed his issues

So later, he gives Sinja a book he wrote called…a thousand words. HARDY HAR. So eddie is a new man and he learned a moral.

Then aaron comes in…dressed as jesus. Yeah, Aaron was promoted to Jack’s old position, and Eddie didn’t get his job back but is fine with his current life anyway since has his book now. Aaron is all high and mighty, learning nothing,

Aaron acts all dick-ish and stuff. Eddie and Sinja simply go off to lunch, happy this is all over. Aaron is just happy to be the big agent now

He even bitches out at his assistant. Then a delivery  man comes in and sets down…a small plant-tree thing.

“oh shit”

So this movie, which was teaching morals and even had aaron go along with eddie…almost ends with implying he will die, not learning anything.

FUCK YOU.

But no, it can’t end there. No, we have to cut to Eddie and his wife. Jack and Caroline (the wife) get back together, with Jack buying the family-friendly house Caroline asked for earlier,

“You hear that? Silence ”

Much like the empty theaters where the movie played, since this movie thankfully bombed. With that, eddie and his son (who wasn’t mentioned much) runs off and the credits roll.

Final Thoughts:

This movie does not deserve a 0 percent. But that doesn’t’ mean it’s good. Cuz it’s BAAAAAD.

First off, it’s generic. So generic. All the jokes are one note, the characters are carbon copies of carbon copies, and the entire moral is just stupid.It’s like if you put click, liar liar, and most drama-comedies with jim carrey, and put them in a blender. It tries to be both funny and sweet, like bruce almighty or something.

It fails. the comedy is beyond bad. It’s a one joke movie: eddie can’t talk but he tries anyway. It creates scenes that go nowhere at all. It even creates stupid stuff. I mean, couldn’t have jack called in sick this whole time?

So with the comedy being both one note, and too crass, the spirit aspect falls flat. Like i said, it’s so meh , that i didn’t care at all.  It does this out of nowhere, without much warning.

Everything goes through the motions. It is so manipulative that I almost wanted to be moved. but i wasn’t. Like i said, the same can apply to movies I like, but somehow, this does it so wrong.

Ihe idea was okay but it was done so weakly. eddie murphy doesn’t do well either, but it’s not quite as bad as say, norbit. But even then, he should have known better.

Is this the worst movie of 2012? hell yes. even battleship knew what it was. This, did not. And the bit with aaron made me dislike it more. it sucks.

Grade: D

See ya

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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