Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Hello, Spongey here

Well, I think i’ll take a break from Christmas movies to review…this piece of shit.

It’s so sad that this movie even exists. It all started with a harmless man in the 50’s making three chipmunk characters. He just needed to pitch up some voices for a song. But then he made 3 characters to go with those voices. Thus, Alvin and the chipmunks was born. Then in the 80’s they got a popular cartoon.
It was stupid, but harmless.  It was very popular with kids, getting tons of merchandise which was good for kids, bad for adults.
So yeah, everything was fine.

Then a Live action movie was made in 2007, which sucked. The plot featured an EVIIIIl studio manager who wanted the chipmunks to himself. He was the only funny part.

The movie also has the chipmunks rapping, and being HIP 4 DA KIDZ YO. The marketing of the 80’s show reached awful heights. Even CD’s featuring chipmunk’d songs. Yes, pay for something you can do in Audacity for free.

It was bad, but a more generic type of bad. The plot was cliché, the characters were dull,, and it was forcefully heartwarming.

But…it’s Mostly harmless, though I personally just hated what it stood for than the movie itself.  Plus, in one scene there is shit eating. What.

But then came the sequel-…i mean SQUEAKEL, which is really bad. The story became insanely cliché and overly complex, and  it hurt your brain to the max. Plus, they put David cross in women’s clothing near the end

TOBIAS WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT!

It was terrible, and it out grossed The princess and the frog. NO.

We thought that would be the worst these rats had to offer. It would be the worst thing ever. I mean, a simple fun cartoon turned into a horrible thing meant to suck money could only get this bad.

Then they made a third one. Directed by the guy who did Sky High (which is actually good) and written by the team who wrote…kung fu panda?!

How did the writers of a good movie ending up writing a bad movie?!

…Let’s just do this.

This, is Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Yea ,the title is the least of the problems in this movie. Let’s get this shit over with!

The first shot of the movie is the title, as it fades to a cruise ship with Dave and the chipmunks getting on it. Yep, it just starts right here with no proper build up whatsoever. It just drops you in.

But don’t worry, it gets worse!

We treated to  a version of Vacation so bad it makes Angelica’s sound amazing. The family is  going on a cruise, and Alvin pops up and says he already was on it and checked them in, and even signed them up for para sailing.

Now, it’s time to introduce the chipmunk properly.  Alvin is an asshole. ASS.HOLE. In the cartoon, he was a mischievous   little kid who wouldn’t really hurt anyone. In the movies’, he looks like he’s more into mass murder. I mean, just look at him  on the DVD cover. He’s thinking, “I just killed a guy. And I’m okay with that”

I don’t like him. Anyway, Simon is the nerdy one who you know he is nerdy because he wears glasses and uses big words. He’s the best of the three, because he doesn’t annoy me. As much. He calls Alvin out…and that’s it. He just stays by, and doesn’t try to stop him. So he’s as much t  fault as Alvin is.

Theodore is fat because he eats, and eats because he’s fat. Then we have the chipettes, their female counterparts. Britney, Jeanette, and Elanor. They are the same, only without penises. Litterally, the same. No personality outside of that.

Fuck it, i’ll call them by their real names. Girl!Alvin Girl!Simon and Girl!theo!
Anyway, that’s all you need to know. Back to the movie.

As Dave tells Alvin they need to set up rules, the film hits the minute and a half mark, and already it just  tells us exactly what Alvin’s problem and shows us what he does.
This is not even two minutes in. PACING. BUILD UP. LEARN IT!

We get a montage of Alvin being a jackass. A jackass montage, if you will. …We need more of those. The next few minutes are all montage with chipmunks singing and shit. NEXT!
Dave scolds Alvin for being an ass….and the chipettes walk in singing whip my hair, with hair replaced with tail.
What is this I don’t even.

Anyway, Dave punishes them all for what Alvin did, but Simon gives him a speech about loosening the reigns. Bullshit, Alvin does not deserve to be treated well in this situation…the asshole.
Dave thinks about this and heads out to have dinner with the captain. As soon as he leaves, Alvin announces he’s going to the casino.

Ddid you not listen to one fucking word he said, Alvin?

Alvin says that dave said they are old  enough to make their own decisions …but he meant they were old enough to choose their own film to watch.

I wish I could choose another movie..

The chipettes seem to be feeling bitchy too, as they leave to go…to salsa night. And yes, this does lead to them looking like furry wet dreams.

Ugh.

t least party rock anthem isn’t playing in the back-oh fuck it is.

Jesus…

Anyway, the chipettes bump into some other chicks. And they get pissed…and they have a dance off. …Sure, why not. Yes, it is extremely dumb, weird, and stupid.

Oh, and it’s completely pointless and never mentioned again.Nope, I’m not gonna say it.

So yeah, we cut to Dave with the captain, apologizing for Alvin’s actions. Also, the ship hac a pelican…mascot…dude, who accidentally spills hot soup in Dave’s lap.

While he’s cleaning off, he asks the pelican dude if he has a problem. He takes off his head and…

alvin sucks

No.

No.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU MAN?!

Yes, this is Ian Hawke. The best part of the movies.  He is now in a pelican outfit. What.

“Yeah,. No one’s gonna give a record label to the guy who blew it with the chipmunks, and passed on Justin beiber…twice”

…Can you excuse me a bit?

*cries*
Okay, I’m back.

So he’s lost his job, and dignity (boy I’ll say) and is now a pelican mascot…dude. He says if he sees Alvin being an ass, he’s going to the captain. He walks off menacingly.

Dave heads back to the room, and discovers Alvin has left. He goes to the casino, and finds Alvin and Simon betting

Ian shows up with the captain, as he promised.  Dave scolds Alvin and tells him to obey him. Oh, and Alvin has a pocket knife for some reason and dave takes it

“You  could cut yourself”

Please do!

The Captain allows them one more activity…shuffleboard. This does not please them, but they play anyway. However, Alvin spots a kid with a…kite thing, and makes a trade (donuts, the kid is fat dohoho) and rides the kite.

This can only lead to good things.

In a shocking turn of events, the kites gets caught onto something and the chip hits the fan. They get blown off the ship., but Dave heads to a hanglider to try to rescue them.

But of course, ian shows up to stop him from doing so. Guess what? They get blown off too, and they’re all goners..

Then they drowned and died the end. …If only.

All 6 chipmunks end up landing on an island. So…they’re not shipwrecked. They just fall off.

You can’t even trust the damn TITLE!

Oh, and we get a bit with Dave and Ian swimming and Dave says ian should just take the pelican suit off

“…I’m not wearing anything underneath”

…If I could punch this movie in the face, I would.

Back on the island, they try an SOS but to no luck.

“Maybe Dave will rescue us in a hot air balloon”

…Mythology  gag, or coincidence?

Ian and Dave wash  up on the island too and go in search of the munks. The chipmunks make a fire, but Theodore puts it out that night cuz he’s an idiot.

The next morning…we see them singing a pop song. That goes without saying at this point, but it’s still dumb.

Alvin hands them some bark for breakfeast. yummy!

SIMON: Crazy suggestion: let’s get off this beach and find some real food!

Pfft, that’ll never work!

So they head into the jungles to find some food. Alvin finds a mango, and tries to eat it for himself. Thankfully, brit notices his asshole act and tries to stop him. Thus they all fight

“Winning!”

….You did not just fucking reference charlie sheen. YOU FUCKING DIDN’T.

…Anyway, Alvin crashes into a tree

“My acrons!”

That joke was like a punch to MY acrons.  Anyway, Girl!Theo takes the mango

“My precious”!

STOP. WITH. THE. FUCKING. REFERENCES!

But then they hear a sound in the bushes, and think it’s a monster. But of course, it’s just a woman named Zoey (Jenny Slate). Yep, this island has another chipwrecked member.

She’s about as mistifed to see CG chipmunks as we are. They introduce themselves as Alvin and the chipmunks.

“I don’t know who you are”

BE LUCKY.

She explains she’s been here for 8 years. and much like Jason lee, Jenny clearly doesn’t give a fuck about acting as she is really boring and lifeless. She says she worked for UPS (GET IT IT’S A CASTAWAY REFERENCE).

She was flying a cargo plane until it crashed… and no one sent out a search party?  So she introduces them to her friends…which are just sports balls. Thankfully, wilson isn’t among them.

So yeah, she’s mentally insane. which explains why it didn’t take her long to warm up to the chipumnks.

“She’s funny”

“In a crazy sort of way’

They have fun with her, but simon, being best chipmunk, doesn’t fall for her crap. but then he gets bitten by a weird-

DR SMITH: SPIDDDERRR!

…indeed.

“side effects include changes in personality”

aw, why couldn’t it have bit alvin to make him likeable?

back with Dave and Ian, ian says this

“The rage for you and those chipmunks is the only thing keeping me going”

amen to that!

other than that, they just bicker. next scene! the next morning simon wakes up…different. yeah, that spider changed him. he is now a french adventure guy named simone

seriously. he is also now voiced by Alan Tudyk. i just saw him  a month ago as King candy  in Wreck it Ralph. trust me when i say that him being in this is depressing.

after he says he is simone we just cut to alvin walking around. yeah, this movie is made up isolated scenes that don’t connect to the next in a co-he rent way. don’t ya love that?

Alvin runs into simone for the first time, and he doesn’t like him. everyone else finds him cool but alvin hates him. great now alvin is the smart one!

They accuse him of being uptight, even though he’s being logical. and where are the chippetes? well Girl!Simon made some island dresses. i’ll spare you the image. but trust me, they are furry wet dreams

They bump into the boys, and Girl!Simon falls for simone. Simone acts all romantic and cool but it comes across as lame and pointless to me. not to mention UN-FUNNY

So Alvin, still being smart, has them build  a shelter. But instead…Simone and Girl!Simon dance in the rain. it’s really stupid. oh, and they also sing

seriously, this movie’s biggest problem is that every scene is really pointless ,and it’s filled with lame songs or references. even the first 2 had an over-arching story! this is just random bullshit!

also, since Dave adopted the chippetes…doesn’t that make Girl!Simon…simon’s sister?

OH GOD GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD

this inspires the other chipmunks to dance…except for Alvin and Girl!Alvin

“Are  you listening to me? SIMMMOOON!’

“You’re starting to sound like dave”

JOKER: if you have to explain the joke, there is no joke!

the next day, Alvin decides to take up the role of being the responsible one. hey, this would be decent if it wasn’t forced! at the same time, Girl!Alvin isn’t the pretty one anymore, so she’s following alvin’s footsteeps

see? the chipettes are carbon copies of the chipmunks

back with Dave, ian is talking about the money they”ll make when the chipmunks are dead. now this guy, i can side with!

dave says he is in this for the love, not the money. ian doesn’t give 2 shits. dave says that the chipmunks aren’t brats and blah blah. who cares? not me!

then we cut to the next scene. it’s like drive by film, scenes come and go! they do cut back to dave though

IAN: i barely care

THANK YOU

then we cut to-

STOP FUCKING CUTTING

whoa, haven’t said that since…my first wordpress blog here!

anyway, simone ends up in a hidden cave. he goes back to the gang and tells them it holds treasure, but all he brought back was  tiara for Girl!Simon

yeah, treasure. it’s turning into THAT kind of movie.

cut (bah) to that night, where Zoe is talking to her sports ball friends. see, she knows there is treasure there and wants to keep it for herself. yep, she’s now a villain for no fucking reason. of course she just says it is hers, and…we cut before we even know anything else

i swear, this movie is afraid that it will actually entertain someone, so it just has scenes that are short or isolated.

so anyway, alvin is talking to Girl!alvin about his FEEEELINGS. he figures out that he has been rather annoying to simon and he feels like a dick. yeah sorry guys, but you can’t make alvin good since this is very underdone and out of nowhere

Theodore  tells simone to use his skills to help find dave. on that note, we cut to him. Dave gets sad but then..Ian tells him he is good with those kids.  …they talk more and hug

yes, they are making ian, the complete monster who tried to kidnap the chipumnks TWICE …into a good guy

WILL THIS MOVIE RUIN ALL I HOLD DEAR?!

thankfully this stops. see Theodore gave dave a fruit necklace earlier, and now, ian is trying to eat it. they fight, and simone and Theo come in! only they see ian from the back so they think it’s a monster

back with Alvin they see that there is a Volcano on the island…that is about to erupt. it goes off and the chipmunks die in the lava. the end!

this movie is getting to me..

They tell this to Zoe, who is at the moment trying to get into the cave, as the opening is chipmunk sized. (it’s hard to describe this waterfall cave thingy)

back with theo, dave lands near him ,and they re-unite. simone shows up too, and ian even clams down

“hey, you found the chubby one”

even ian knows theo’s only trait is that he’s fat. anyway, they have no time since the volcano is going off. seriously, this movie has like 1000 plot threads and fails at all of them!

Dave meets with the rest, and they are all happy. Alvin then tells dave rhat he thought he wouldn’t look for him cuz of his asshole-ness. but dave says he’d save him no matter what

yeah, wasn’t that forced? look, spillcom said they liked how they fixed alvin, but i don’t agree. they did this just as a forced plot point, and alvin doesn’t change. he’s just an asshole itl he suddenly isn’t

it’s so forced and short that it doesn’t even matter. oh, and ian walks up

“nothing cooler than a grown man in a pelican suit”

alvin, stop being funny

.They all begin to prepare a raft to get them off the island and everyone is assigned a job. they finish it quickly. however, Simone and Girl!Simon are still out in the jungle getting stuff

suddenly, a baseball hits simone, knocking him out. yep, zoe’s baseball friend. Girl!Simon falls down a hall.

Then the others find simon and it seems like simon is no longer simone. yep, him being simone had no point, but to find the treasure for zoe. fucking wonderful

Girl!Alvin informs us that zoey took Girl!Simon as she needs to know how to really get in the cave. however, he no longer remembers that

Thankfully, Girl!Theo knows and they head there. Dave goes to help rescue girl!Simon but tells Alvin to stay

“You remember when i said i’d have to disobey you someday? i have to disobey you”

yeah yeah forced character bits, fuck you

and with that, he just lets alvin go,. back with zoe, she has Girl!Simon tied up, and she doesn’t care about the volcano as it gives Simon a better reason to rescue her faster.

what a wonderfully stupid character

but since Girl!Simon can fit  in the cave opening, she drops her down there by a rope. oh no you have to give gold to a crazy lady how horrible

she does get the gold, but then the gang pops up to save her. what is she gonna do what that gold anyway? it’s not like she can spend it. on top of that, even if say, she though she’d head back to land with dave, she’d just be booted cuz of her crazy shit she’s doing!

“i spent 10 years looking for this gold. it’s the entire reason i came here. and now the treasure is mine”

…what. she spent 10 years…and she never looked behind the waterful. she even says everyone thought she was crazy coming here. so she didn’t have any back up? no way to get home when she found the treasure?

THIS MOVIE MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE

The volcano goes off and they run. but zoe still wants to capture Girl!Simon for the gold. just give it up, bitch!

she is still on the rope, so that is how she is dragging her. Dave tosses Alvin the pocket knife from earleir so he can cut her free. oh i’m glad that checkov’s gun was resolved

The chipmunks run to to ian but…dave is still back there, about to fall into a bad green sceen, i mean hole. of course, they need to drag this movie even further!

and now zoe is gonna drop him down. seriously, the fuck is this bitch’s problem?!  then…a wild David cross appears

“Don’t blame dave. i’ve been there,. i wish i could give back all those years i spent plotting my revenge …..hate anger regret…it’s what consumed me. it’s not too late to do the right thing.”

..FUCK YOU MOVIE. you don’t just take an ass like ian and make him good just to force some shitty moral on some shitty character. and they are making a monster like zoe good too?

guys, it’s okay to have villains stay evil .the first 2 movies did this! Even pixar does this! don’t do this, please!

with that, zoe helps Dave up and they run to the raft. it’s this volcano  is just spewing fireballs. no lava in sight. VOLCANOS DO NOT WORK THAT WELL

they escape, and even let zoe come despite trying to kill them. . While on the raft, Zoe apologizes to Jeanette (real name ftw)  for kidnapping her and forcing her to get the treasure. .that sentence came from wikpedia. even they couldn’t hide how STUPID that is!

i know, they’re trying to put some development and morals, but they do it such a shitty way.

Girl!Simon gives zoe the bracelet. joy. she and simon also have a “moment”. it’s dumb.

Alvin also apologizes for acting like a dick and ruining the vacation. still not buying it. hell, this entire movie happened cuz of him. without alvin, they would have never hit the island. fuck you!

oh, and as for ian…

“you put us in cages~”

see, they get it!

but of what ian did they let him go. then they spot a helicopter that happens to be there and they signal it.

thus, we cut to a concert the chipmunks were heading to. they sing lada gaga’s born this way. a fine song ruined by the chipmunks,. nothing else to say there

and of course, ian is now a good guy and their manager with some help from dave.

“Selling your story for hollywood. huge bidding war”

make your own joke for that one

and with the finale note of the song the credits roll. BUT there is  a post credit scene with them on a plane. it’s a tad long for a scene AFTER the director’s name is shown.

Alvin is speaking on the pilot’s microphone that the plane’s destination is set for Timbuktu,. then alvin steps out, brushes on a food cart and…it rolls and hits dave

“ALVINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!”

isn’t abuse hilarious?

fuck this movie.

Final Thoughts:

Is there really anymore to say? the 1st movie was bad. the 2nd was really bad. this one was FUCKING TERRIBLE.

The characters are cliche and one note. the jokes are lame, and full of annoying references. the story is a complete and utter mess, full of cliches and pointless scenes.

The story is packed with one cliche after another, the movie never has a focus, instead it has like 10 different subplots that they try to juggle but fail utterly.  it has no focus

when it tries to have focus, it falls really flat. big time. all the actor half ass their way through this movie. sure, jason lee sounds awake this time, but he’s still bad.

It really is a mess. it’s nothing more than a soul-less cash grab. sure, the first 2 were as well, but this one is even worse. the first 2 at least had a co-he rent (if muddled) plot that went from point a to point b. at least in them, things happened most of the time.

in this one, they just have scenes go by with little happening and cut to the next one before it really sinks in. it really felt forced and rushed. even the 2nd one had minor points where you could argue they had more story to tell

not here. they only did it for the money. nothing else. David cross is still the best part, but even he ends up sucking thanks to the raping his character gets. what do you have to say for yourself, cross?

“It was the most miserable experience I ever had in my professional life”

…that’ll do

Grade: D+

See ya.

About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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