Hello, Spongey here
So it’s now REALLY December! Thus, we should do some christmas specials! First off, we got a Blacksplotation Christmas special.
No, i’m not joking
Blacksplotation is a film genre that takes black culture, such as rapping, and well…exploits it to the point of being either offensive, or just dumb.
This special does exactly that all in the name of Christmas cheer!
Basically, i have no real info on this. It has a DVD, but hasn’t aired on TV, and all i know is the voice cast. Oh, and the director did….episodes of NFL Rush zone season.
Whatever. All i know is that it’s a half hour special that The Cartoon hero introduced me to.
Let’s do this.
This, is The Night b4 christmas
Let’s see how the special opens..
“T’was the night before christmas, and up in his sleigh, Santa was crusin’ just over LA. But that’s near the point where this fairy tale peeks, so let’s back it up by a couple of weeks”
Oh yeah. this special is in rhyme. Good idea but…yeah it’s gonna suck.
Also, if you’re gonna do a “how we got here” opening, Don’t make it fast that it doesn’t even matter!
So our story really opens at the north people,. where everyone is black. Our hero is Elvin, voiced by Arie Spears. He works for Santa with his parents, but as he tells them, he hates santa
“All the really cool toys are high tech Japanese. this lame train can’t play your CD’s, games, DVD’s. I repeat, please!”
Our hero ladies and gentlemen!
So the next day, Elvin puts a sympathizer chip in a toy drum.
NARRATOR: Hey, i thought it was live
Like anyone cares what the narrator thinks.
So this gets Elvin fired. So are we meant to like him or not? Wil he learn the true meaning of christmas? Do i care?
So Elvin is okay with that as he talks to himself.
“I’ve decided to become a rapper”
“i can show the top 40. Just keep your eyes on the one called Slim Shorty”
And i thought snoop lion was a dumb name..
So he runs off, but his car gets trashed.
“What am i gonna do?”
NARRATOR : Elvin said to himself
“I get no cars no cash…i am one messed up elf”
Oh yeah, they do that weird thing where the characters rhyme with the narrator…even though they can’t hear him. Hell, even the grinch is guilty of this!
So then a car shows up and who is in it? A dog in rapper clothes..
A rappng dog.
OH GOD NO
“Elvin considered the dangers of hoping in cars with slick canine strangers”
Idon’t know if that was meant to be funny…but it was.
So instead of wondering why a dog can talk, Elvin takes a ride. We find out his name is Puffy Daddy, but we’re calling him the rapping dog.
Oh, and in the car is also…a lawn gnome. No, i’m not joking. But he’s not important for now, as they drive off to California.
Back at the north pole, Santa is sick and might cancel Christmas. Since the snow and heat misers aren’t around, it looks like this may stick.
But whatever, the gang ends up in Hollywood. They end up at a club, here the rapping dog’s girlfriend is at. Yes, we have TWO rapping dogs for the price of one.
Dog Chick is being upstaged by a pig named Poink. Yeah this must be one of those worlds with both normal humans and talking animals.
So the rapping dog gets pissed and busts out some FUNKY BEATS. It sucks.
NARRATOR: When he started rapping the whole place got stupid!
So who could be there but a bigshot producer who is…Asian. yes, this special is so cheap that they couldn’t even afford a white guy.
Oh,. and he’s voiced by Steve blum. WHAT.
His name is Saul, and yes, he is the villain. He also wears non-moving plaid. He offers them a contract,which elvin signs.
That night, Saul takes them deep underground his mansion, as they are forced to dance.
“And pity the poor fool who can’t take directions”
Mr t, you are not.
That was Saul’s daughter, Evilina, and yes that is actually her name. She bitches a bit and says that she doesn’t care about santa since daddy buys what she wants. Yay, another character i hate!
So the evil saul forces them to dance. How evil. I don’t even get it, how doe this help him in any way?
You got problems with sual? that’s between ya’ll, i’m in for my big break”
Again, our hero! He doesn’t care about his friends, as long as he gets fame. Fuck you.
So anyway, they have recorded many songs, so saul comes in to say their first Record (this was made in 2003, so why record?) is out.
It’s a big hit, and our friends are allowed to eat. They go on to make big bucks, but santa is still sick.
He cancels Christmas for good. OH NO THIS WON’T BE RESOLVED BY THE END. Anyway, the gang is on a tour bus now, as they think about Christmas.
Suddenly, they see on TV that Christmas is canceled Evilina starts bashing Santa, which doesn’t make our heroes happy
This makes elvin miss Santa a lot. This also makes him perk up and want to save christmas. Yeah, forced character development is forced.
So Elvin runs off the bus to escape from Saul. Elves are fast, so when sual chases, he can outrun the bus. Sure, why not?
“It stopped every lull like the worst of falafals. It skimped on the bill of Joe’s meatloaf and waffles”
…Why does this exist
Sadly, Elvin is captured and put in some cell by Saul. Elvin feels bad, but the rapping dog assures him it’s okay. Stupid story short, they try to escape with the help of some food the girl dog had.
SAUL: is that waffles and loaf?!
WAFFLES AND LOAF FTW.
Like an idiot, he falls for it and the gang escapes. They escape in a sleigh and Evilina stows away, and shows up in front of the gang.
However, they capture her, removing any possible tension. So they arrive at the north pole and these guys are gonna finish the toys and save Christmas themselves.
When the girl enters the workshop, she gets all happy and gleeful. Then Elvin feels bad for leaving, but i still hate him.
So in a bit for forced-ness, Evilina turns good. and yes, she does happen to have a serum for the sick-ness. Of course.
Even Santa is good again! Christmas is on and blah blah
So now we’re back where we started: with our heroes giving presents to the world. Evilina asks for them to go rescue Saul.
They do so, but Evilina tells him what she learned. Elven even gives sual a toy drum as a gift! See, he had one as a kid, so…he loves it.
Yeah, more forced face heel turns, But who cares, it’s almost over!
So Ellven is made head elf, and the gang sings the ending rap song played over stock footage. It sucks, end of story.
“So merry Christmas ya’ll, and to ya’ll a good night”
So everyone is happy and the lawn gnome was pointless
Well, I finally found a worse Christmas special than the Star Wars Holiday special!
The animation is lazy, the characters are either one note or annoying, the story was just cliche, and the attempts at being GANGSTA are horrible, especially the rhyming.
And it’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s just…BAD.
It’s the anti christmas special. It’s morals are confused, I tries to mix a hip parody of christmas with a legit sweet special, and it fails at being either. It’s not sweet cuz it’s so dumb, and it’s not hip or edgy because it’s so poorly written.
It’s not funny, not sweet, and not good in the least. But let’s be honest: you’re not gonna remember it in a few years. It’s really forgettable when you get down to it.
Al in all,it’s just an awful special