Hello, Spongey here
and Welcome to the 200th blog Special!
Wow, this was quick. I never thought i’d make it this far. sure, i’ve done quite a few filler posts like the short list, and the bye post at blogger, and my welcome post at wordpress, and some i’ve even done twice!
But hey, a blog is a blog. let’s go over what i did for my other milestones
For the 50th, i tried to Review Seltzerberg’s Meet the spartans. then Friedberg and selzter knocked me out to do the review themselves. it was odd…but fine!
For the 100th, i looked at the banned Nick movie Cry babe lane, where i argued with the director, and bitched about parents. also, it was a musical
For the 150th, i did the Goosebump-a-thon on “My Best friend is invisible”, as i explained why i thought i was the worst book ever. I actually didn’t know it was the 150th when i wrote iy, but it was special anyway
So what should i do for the 200th? There are so many choices! When people do milestones, they have to do something huge. for Nostalgia Critic’s 100th, he looked at an awful non-nostalgic movie, and for 200th, he looked at a good one! both were heavily requested
Linkara’s 100th was a sonic comic. 200th was one more day. again, both heavily requested. Film Brain 200th was Adam Sandler’s going overboard. Not exactly requested, but it was the first film of a guy he was known for disliking.
Tthen it hit me. i should do that too! my 200th should be the first film of a guy you all know i hate.
With that said…let’s talk about Seltzerberg!
what? you don’t know who that is? i’ll be glad to explain!
Jason Friedberg and aaron Selzer are 2 directors who make terrible spoof movies that don’t really spoof what they are trying to spoof. Everyone hates them, and i’m right with them
But the creepy thing…we know nothing about them. we have some pictures, we have birthdays, and minor info here and there. other than that? Nothing. we know nothing about a specific man in this team, to the point where Wikipedia made an article about them both!
This is why i think they are secretly inhuman robots~ who’s with me?!
…Nnyway, before Disaster movie, before vampires Suck, and even before Date movie, way back in 1996, they did another movie.
…Sort of. they didn’t direct it. no, it was direct by Jason’s dad, Rick Friedberg. Seltzerberg wrote it…sort of.
The final screenplay for the film was supposedly thrown together hastily by Leslie Nielsen, Rick Friedberg and another writer, after Nielsen had serious issues with the original screenplay that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selzter had written.
Yep, their script was so bad, even the star had issues with it. That’s bad. Hell, you know how they keep saying they are the writers of scary movie? That’s bull. they put in one of the original scripts, but it was denied.
None of their jokes made it into the film. hence why i liked it! I can see why they did Date movie, they kept getting rejected!
Iif only they just gave up…
Well anyway, let’s not delay it any longer. let’s celebrate a milestone by looking the first film done by Seltzerberg
This, is Spy Hard
The movie opens with a helicopter flying through the sky. The copter is…being flown by mr T.
Mr T. in a seltzerberg movie
We’re not even a minute in and i’m already saying wut
Anyway, riding in this copter is Special Agent WD-40 (haw), aka Dick Steele (ew), played by Leslie Nielsen. Yep, the funny man who invented the spoof genre, is in a seltzerberg. well maybe he’ll be funny…
After listening to a tape with his mission. he jumps out, leaving the tape there.
“As always, this message will self destruct”
oh hardy har har
So it blows up as Dick floats down in his parachute. he grabs a drink and pours it into a glass (logic, in Seltzerberg? bitch please). He then drops the drink bottle and it lands on someone.
I see their sense of humor was always top notch
So upon landing, he heads to the bad guy’s base, and we peek as the head villain dude inside is busy dealing with a guy who won’t talk. The guards take that guy out to shoot him…and it’s a mime
The bad guy is General Rancor (ugh), played by Andy Griffith. sigh..
Somehow as the bad guy is flying away in a copter, dick blows it up,. oh, and there’s this chck with him, and she starts to fall off a cliff into water, but dick tries to catch her. However, she falls into the bad green screen-i mean water
Then….title song! Yeah, a james bond spoof needs that, but it’s so sudden!
…and i’ll admit, this song is awesome. why? 2 words
Weird Al. Yes, they got Weird al to do this song. it’s actually both awesome, and funny. it actually spoof bond songs in a way that is kind of clever. However, i say this is due to weird al, and not the writers. the lyrics exaggerate the bond spy type in a good way and even the video is kind of neat
by the way if you walked in late
allow me to reiterate
the name of this movie
is spy hard!
You know…considering the people who watch seltzerberg’s movies, they probably needed the reminder.
So the song ends with al belting out a high note…for a long time. yep, Even this song has an overly long gag. then….he sings so long that his head blows up
So now it’s back to the plot. we cut to 15 years later. and we see female agent Barbra Dahl sneaking around the bad guys place, but we see that the bad guy is watching her on the security cameras.
She is captured. And, of course, she is pissed at him and spits her words out at him, which land on a guard
“hey lady, you’re taking the spitting image thing a little too far”
lame. also that guard? Mandark from Dexter’s lab. k
Rancor says that now he has Dalh, dick will have to come get her, and he laughs evily. We cut to the agent base, as the other guys are pissed that she went out on her own
Two agent guys talk to the agency Director,. see, they got a transmission from rancor. after some lame arm jokes (his arms were blown up), he tells them that Dalh is tied to his missile, which will launch in 36 hours
“Dick steele couldn’t stop me 15 years ago! No dick can stop me!”
“Clearly he hasn’t the size of someone of our newer members”
so anyway, they decided that maybe Dick can stop him, though he is currently retired. they explain why in a flashback, but it’s dumb and boring, so i’ll skip it
despte this, they need the best man for the job
“Steele. dick steele”
shouldn’t dick be saying that?
speaking of, we cut to him at home as he has fucked some lady. after fucking, they talk a bit, and he just talks about how that chick in the opening died and how he will never find true love like that again. i’d complain about us not even knowing the chick, but maybe that’s the joke
oh and the lady pulls out a gun to kill him…which he doesn;t see cuz he looking somewhere else, and when he gets off the bed, we find out it’s a pull out, and it well pulls in and traps her.
so Dick heads to play golf. an agent guy (played by Rafiki from the lion king) shows up to talk to him./ Dick declines his offer, but Rafiki hands him the tape containing the transmission, and leaves
he goes home and watches the tape. it’s here we find out that the captured woman is the daughter of that chick who died. so yeah,. dick isn’t happy about this.
…then we get a happy montage flashback with him and that woman he loved. it’s boring and un-funny. next!
he turns on the news (?) and finds out that Rafiki has died. no, the character i didn’t care about is dead!
so he’s back on the force. so he headed off to LA, though at the airport he bumps into a women sporting a bad french accent. we’ll see her more later, i assume. for now..
” i must big you-ado”
“I’m good with all the do i have”
So dick gets on the plane….Leslie Nielsen on a plane. never heard that one before!
so anyway the fake french chick happens to be on the plane, and she sits next to Dick. they exchange more bad innuendo which isn’t funny
then they…stare at each other, and make weird faces for a solid minute. ….uh, jokes? please?
so he arrives at the agency talks to the movie’s version of miss money poeny
“you wouldn’t be trying to make things hard for me?”
….enough with the sex puns, they are not funny!
and…they keep at it. they keep making sex jokes and none of them are funny. okay, maybe it’s spoofing how the bond films have lots of these, but …just repeating something from the film, you’re spoofinf isn’t funny!
yep, this is seltzerberg all aright..
so he walks in and meets with the director. he shows him a pic of Barbra which….causes flashback lines to-
“no time for flashbacks!”
FUNNY JOKE ALERT
so now it’s time to meet our Q. dick picks him what looks like air freshner…but it causes fire to the head of….micheal jackson, who falls out a window
good to see that even in 1996, this joke was being used. anyway, he grabs his gadgets and heads off.
so goes off to a hotel for whatever reason, and finds a hot chick in his bed. and yes, this is another chick sent by the bad guy to kill him. he kills her and sees a restaurant coupon in her purse and goes there. sure, why not?
he goes to the back of it, where bad guys happen to be waiting. but then the fake french chick shows up and kicks ass. after she does so, they escape by getting on a bus
the bus driver is ray charles. wut
whatever, it’s time for a parody of speed. cuz that’s a bond film, right?
a bunch of dicks show up on the bus, and say they cut the break-line which means the bus can’t stop. no, this scene is not funny. hell, they don’t even make a real joke! thye just kinda…do speed without really making jokes.
to quote the MAD cartoon..
“i dreamed was in a show that makes pop culture references but doesn’t really make jokes about ’em…”
Dick and the chick stop the bus ,save it and get off. this is ENTIRELY POINTLESS
then they go to a restaurant. here we find out she is also an agent, named Agent 3.14. ugh. anyway, her dad, professor Urinksy is in hiding cuz rancor doesn’t like him.
“what shall we do?”
they then dance. this spoofs that scene in pulp fiction. this scene sums up Selzterberg right here: imitating a scene from a movie without making a joke, and said scene has nothing to do with the plot or whatever they’re trying to spoof.
thankfully some bad guys show up to stop them. they escape, but then 3.14 is captured, cuz i guess it’s making fun of the dumbass in distress disorder thing
she drops a pendant she has, and dick sees a small print saying it’s from the museum of naturl history, so that’s where he is going next.
he doesn’t find anything of interest, and he asks his cab driver (who has shown up a lot, but i never mentioned him) about russian jewelery…i’m not paying attention so i don’t know.
then the bad guys show up again and a chase ensues. long story short, he escapes and heads to this warehouse. he goes inside and finds….3.14’s dad. that almost disgustingly easy
he conveniently has the controller chip for rancor’s satellite that controls the missile. dick tries to crush it, but professor dude says it can be used for world peace. funny?
so he and the dude head off. they go to some house, and upon opening it, a kid is seen doing the home alone scream. ugh.
not sure who this is , but the driver guy knows him and he knows them as well, as he is smart i guess. His name is McLucjey, played by the movie version of Dennis the meance.
one thing i forgot to mention is that the agence, there is a double agent guy played by barry bostwick (another good actor sucked in to be in this crap) who is of course working for rancor. so when dick calls the director and tells him what is going on, the traitor (he’s not traitoro if you ask me) taps the phone and give the info to rancor
and then leave that kid, making him pointless
they spot one of rancor’s men and follow him. they end up a nun place…where dick goes in disguised as a nun, where a pointless sister act parody ensues.
this place is a front for rancor, and when dick snoops around, he finds 3.14. he sneaks her out.
“oh dick you came for me”
so they go hide in the driver guy’s house. of course, he screws her. anyway, remember that kid from earlier? he’s back as two of the bad guys go in his house and CUE POINTLESS HOME ALONE PARODY
it’s stupid but at least it’s better than home alone 4
the bsd guys get the upper hand
“This is for getting even with dad!” “This is for my girl!”
….HARDY HAR FUCKING HAR
he tells the guys where 3.14’s dad is and they are both captured. dick and 3.14 just happen to show up and see this,.
they find out that rancor’s hideout is on some island, and they go there, just as rancor is getting ready to activate the missile.
but the two are quickly captured by some henchman and brought to rancor. then dahl (almost forgot about her) is taken out and tied to the missile. yeah…i guess they untied her, put her in jail, and put her back. kind of…stupid.
Dick escapes from his cage and he fights rancor in a stupid climax. dick frees dahls and the others as they kick rancor’s ass.
then..dick tags a wrestler who goes in and fights a goon. also, hulk hogan. what?
after a barrage of dumb jokes, rancor is tied to the missile. they escape as the missile is launched. it goes u pto dpace and it blows up and
.…what? that’s it? it just…stops? it’s a stopping?no resolotion? no wrap up? you just ran out of ideas, than ran the credits? and yes, even the credits are full of un-funny jokes.
whatever, IT’S OVER!
it sucked. granted, it’s Seltzerberg’s best film by far thanks to a couple jokes, and Andy Griffith who is a lot of fun, though i didn’t bring it up much.
this movie alls into the same traps as the other Seltzerberg films. the jokes are un-funny, it doesn’t so much spoof stuff as just imitates stuff and doesn’t say anything. it references things other than what their and the meant to be spoofing.
even Leslie Nielsen. isn’t that funny in this and doesn’t bring much to it. the others such too and are just dull. infact, that’s this movie’s biggest problem: IT’S BORING.
it’s dull for a movie that is meant to be wacky and insane. granted, it has dumb weird jokes, but it’s so lazy at doing so that it’s not interesting. it’s so typical, the plot is so thin (at least this has a plot, unlike most Seltzerberg films) that it has to put these lame gags to stretch it and it’s only 1 hour and 14 minutes!
i couldn’t even follow the plot half the times, that’s how weird it is. it’s a boring mess that sadly paved the way for even worse “spoofs” from these fools.
so there, my 200th post was boring and not special thanks to a boring movie. thanks Seltzerberg!
But whatever. I’ve had fun for 200 blogs, and i wish to thank to all my readers for actually reading my crap, and everyone i know online who has given me help. you guys are awesome.
See ya, and here’s to 200 more!