A Serbian Film

I’m not ready. I’m just not. for every movie i review, I’m ready to watch. no matter how bad it looks

Not this one. This is a movie drowning with infamous-y.So much so that a friend of mine has been requesting that i review it for awhile. so when i said i wanted a film to review before I jump back into Sandler month, he passed on a youtube link to it so i could review it.

If this movie is what people say it is, I will chop his balls off.

This movie so out of my  league it is insane. For one,. it’s a foreign film and unless it’s Freddie as fr07 (aka best movie ever made), then i won’t be a big Foreign guy. But  i’ll watch a good foreign film if i want, i’m not against them.

This movie, though….wow. it has been banned in many countries, and the director ended up going to COURT for the stuff he put in this movie. Critics either hated it or loved it. Hell, Mark Kamode said in his review of Fred the movie that it on part with this.

Let that sink in for a moment.

This wouldn’t be unheard of if it was a dumb 70’s movie made on the budget of 4 bucks. But this was made in fucking 2010! Over in, you guessed it, mexico, a guy decided to make a movie with the lamest title ever.

Of course he says it’s a metaphor for our national cinema. Yes, it’s an art house film. This is so out of my league. Brad jones should be reviewing it!

“I…regret watching this movie”

….I’m doomed. if the man who watched Et the porno and Nukie regrets watching this movie, what chance do i have?!

None, but i’ll try anyway

This, is A Serbian Film

The movie opens in some creepy place, as a dude and chick burst in and start fucking. We see her naked boob. We’re not even a minute in.

We see the fucking. no penises or vaganias (Vaginas? Vagini? vagin…people?) are shown. but we clearly see him in her ass. Did i turn on the porn parody by mistake?

We back out to find out that…i was right. this is a porn, as we see a kid watching it. yep, a kid. What.

The film there was called “Milosh the filthy stud’. Lovely. To make it better, this kid is the son of the male star of the porn!

Dad walks in and his wife (porn star with a wife, isn’t that odd?) isn’t happy about how his  kid is watching the film. She takes the kid to another room and Milos (the dude) starts watching it again.

This movie shows so much of this porn I think it IS a a porn.

See, this guy is a down on his luck porn star who hasn’t acted in years. then his son finds out and goes to be a porn star-

Wait, that was bucky larson. Another shitty film about porn.

So Milos goes and meets with a female friend of his.Sshe tells him that he needs to get back in the game, and that “Artistic porn” is  going to become big.

Anyway, she offers him a role in an “art porn” that is coming up.  The director’s name is Vukmir (gee what does that sound like).

Milos heads home later, and as he puts his son to bed, the kid talks about the porn he saw

“i felt something…strange”

…Oh shit.

“Down there, near my willie”

Oh yay, little boy dicks. Wonderful

Thankfully, they brush it off and get him to sleep with no problems. He tells his wife about the deal the lady friend mentioned, and he is still thinking about it. She seems to be supportive, as they need the money

So the next day, he goes with it and meets up with Vukmir. He is about as basic as a art director as you get, sipping his scotch and rambling about ART.

He says that Milos is proof that there is art in porn and yet his films are…well basic porn. After rambling (I swear half of the dialogue in this movie is rambling) about porn , he hands Milos the contract.

“No need to read it”

Gee, this will end well. Anyway, Vukmir tells him that he can’t know what will be shooting next, as it is a surprise. Again, this will end well.

He heads home to have a boring scene with his wife. I don’t see what is so bad about this movie, it’s just…really boring. Okay, anyway, he discusses it with his wife some mroe and this just adds nothing to the plot. It’s the same as before, he asks if he should do it, and she says yes.

So he heads back to Vukmir, and signs he contract for real. After some more boring stuff (there’s like 6 minutes after that scene that i had to skip. This movie’s pacing is awful) he talks with his son because who cares about the plot?

The son asks about the whole….feeling in his willie from earlier, and they talk at length….while full house music plays in the background. Yes, because  soothing music fits in with DICK TALK.

After that, it’s FINALLY time for him to do his first art porn. And only 30 minutes in, no less! So the porn scene  has him walking into an oprhange. Uh…k.

He meets up with some hot chick, and they keep walking. suddenly, there’s this little girl, and her mom I guess walks in and bitches at her.

And….the mom isn’t acting. that girl is really her daughter, and she hates that she has   disgraced her deceased war hero husband’s memory by becoming a whore. Mom is then dragged away.

….Okay.

No one reacts to this at all and Milos is taken to  a dark room. The hot chicks blow him while screens show…the little girl seductively eating an ice pop.

….K.

Right after shooting that, he wants to know what the fuck is doing on. He asks that lady friend about what they are shooting. She isn’t telling him and yep, another scene with crap we already know. I’m skipping a lot of pointless crap.

Hell i haven’t even mentioned his brother markos, who has the hots for his wife, and is seen watching a milios porn while being blown.

This movie is boring the fuck out of me. Nothing happens, and when something does happen ,I don’t know what it was. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to review, and we’re not at the infamous stuff yet!

So anyway, onto the next scene he has to shoot, where we are in that same dark room. Remember that mom? She’s back and is forced to blow Milos. Yes, forced. It is non consensual , but she is forced to do it anyway.

The daughter is forced to watch….THE FUCK?!

…I need a break

*One break later*

Okay, I’m back . So uh…yeah, I was being horrified. Milos agrees, and he shouts at everyone to stop. However, a guard dude holds him in place as the Mom bits his dick. Ouch.

“Hit the whore!”

….EFFDVDFVVV

GET ME OUT OF THIS. PLEASE!

Milos cums on her crying face (I FEEL DIRTY) and the scene ends. Vukmir walks in and god I hate him.  Milos punches the guard guy. Fuck yes!

Milos is pissed and bitches out at Vukmir. Vukmir tries to rationalize this by saying he is not hurting the little girl.

I guess milos doesn’t care cuz we cut to later, as the brother tells him of the info he found on vukmir.

His full name is Vukmir Vukmir. Yep, we got a mario mario on our hands. we learn that  Vukmir is a former psychologist and has worked in children’s TV and state security. No mention of him making movies, which makes this all the more horrifying.

The next day, he tells Vukmir he is quitting this shit.  he isn’t happy, and wants to prove his vision to milos. He rambles about Serbia, life and bullshit that i don’t care about.

Even after that shit, milos isn’t swayed. this is why i like him. Anyway, Vukmir pulls out his biggest attempt at swaying milos: showing him one of his films.

The film has….a woman giving birth, and ….the baby is then raped by a man.

“Newborn porn!”

..

WHAT THE FLYING FUCKIGN FUCKBALLS?!

FEDVVBBBIFUCKTHERSEFCVFVCVCFGGG

*ONE MENTAL BREAKDOWN LATER*

WHATTHEFUCKISTHISSHIT

*300 MENTAL BREAKDOWNS LATER*

Okay, I’m calm. i’m cool. But….the fuck was that?! That has to be the most fucked up thing ever! They just showed us that, minus the… really gross part.

What director would write this and say, “oh yeah this is good”‘? I don’t care what deep bullshit this means. I don’t care if that was meant to be disgusting. There are some lines that YOU DON’T FUCKING CROSS.

I feel dirty for watching that scene. i feel dirty writing about it.

….Okay, ready to get back to the plot? No? TOO TRUCKING BAD

Milos, like a normal person, storms off. At a road junction, he is approached and seduced by Vukmir’s female doctor. Cuz come on, after newborn porn, a man needs some real boobs.

A bloodied Miloš wakes up in his bed some time later with no memory of what has happened. I SYMPATHIZE WITH HIM.

He runs to the empty set and the pieces starts to come back to him.  We find out that Milos was drugged. In his weird drugged state, he raped the mom chick. Lovely. Oh, and he beat her too.

We see every second of that. I hate life itself. Oh and then…milos killed her with a knife.

I never thought we’d get worse than newborn porn….but that was fucking close.

Upon learning this, milos throws up. I feel so bad for him. he needs  a hug so badly! So anyway, he walks around the studio and finds a tape, which he watches.

And thus we see another thing that happened to milos. He was raped by Vukmir’s guards. At this point, I don’t care.

Oh, and the ladyfriend bitched at vukmir for that. Finally, she grows a brain cell.

“This is no art!”

THANK YOU

So what does Vukmir do? He has a masked guy kill her by making her choke on his dick. Wonderful. aAso the composer got really lazy and decided to play the same 5 notes over and over. In a ten minute scene.

Ba.  Anyway, the footage moves on (at this point it becomes paranormal activity. I miss the closing of doors…).

Milos was brought to the home of that little girl.  Some old lady praises him for killing the mom. Drugged!Milos grew a brain and jumped out the window, which leads us back to the present, as he woke up back home.

He runs out, but spots some chick walking by, and then some assholes that were stalking her suddenly beat up milos. Then vukmir’s guards show up and kill them.

…That was pointless

So they kidnap Milos and take him to vukmir’s warehouse. Hottie doctor tries to drug him again, but Milos overpowers her, sticking the syringe into her throat.Sso…why didn’t they restrain him so that shit doesn’t happen?

Then a guard comes and takes him to Vukmir. Which makes that last scene pointless. yay!

He is taken to 2 hidden bodies under a sheet, and is told to fuck them. He does so cuz….idk. He isn’t drugged, so I don’t get it.  So then that masked guy from the video shows up and rapes the other body.

This movie is lovely.

So the masked guy takes off his mask to reveal…Milos’s brother.

DUN DUN DUN!

What a twee-oh who trucking cares? Oh, then it turns out the body the bro is raping is…the wife! Lovely.

So who is milos fucking? He takes off the sheet to reveal….the son.

….REFFVFBBBNB

*100 mental breakdowns later*

Okay, i’m good

Milos is PISSED at this, even more than I am. He attacks Vukmir (this villain is an idiot, seriously).Tthe wife even kills the brother…before we can find out WHY he is with the bad guy and stuff. Great.

Milos kills a guard by shoving his penis in his eye socket ….Okay that’s just fucking gross.

And with that, Vukmir dies. I’ll admit, it was awesome to see milos kill him.

“That’s film!”

No, it’s fucking gross you sick fuck.

After that, Milos, wife and kid head home. Okay, then they live happily-oh come on, we all know there’s gonna be a downer ending for no reason.

They then huddle in bed together. They look at each other, think about this, and it seems like understand each other. They look and then…Milos kills them all in one shot.

Eh, if I fucked my own son, I would kill myself too. Wait, how did he kill all 3 of them with one bullet? That isn’t possible!

Oh, but that’s not the last bit. We cut to a new film crew in the bedroom, of no one we know, and a big dude is told to start with the little one.

Roll Credits.

Final Thoughts:

This movie was….not very good. Okay, let’s cut to the chase, IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL.  It is easily the worst movie I’ve seen in a long time. Every second is terrible. The dialogue  is boring, and scenes go on really long without making a point.

Oh and it’s sick. Really fucking sick. we got child rape, necrophilia, and NEWBORN PORN. It gets gross for pretty much no reason than to torture our hero.

It is by far the hardest film i’ve had to review. I wanted to quit many times, and even early on, it was so dull that I couldn’t describe it properly.

The director of this sickens me even more. He made this exploitation film and….claimed it had deep meanings. There is no deep meaning.

You don’t put newborn pron than say it means something. It means newborn porn. that’s it. I get that it’s a horror film, but there are lines you don’t cross. THIS IS THAT LINE.

Even so, whatever meaning you meant is lost among all the stupid splatter. It thinks it’s saying more than it is. Tarsem would be proud!

The plot isn’t very good either. It’s very thin, not much happens and it’s confusing. The characters are  dull, and while I feel bad for milos, he isn’t the best hero ever. The pacing is crap, and though the acting is mostly decent.

I guess it’s shot well, and the gore effects are good for the budget they had, but that is faint praise. If  a great artist wonderfully painted a turd, it’d be well done, but it would still be a turd!

It is truly sickening, and it feels like a long aristocrats joke. It really does.  Torture porn is one thing, but pretentious torture porn is another.

Some critics like this movie for real, and if they do, they can go fap to newborn porn all they want. As for me, I side with Mark Kemode, Brad jones, and Phelous. this movie is among the worst I’ve ever seen.

To sum it up, fuck this movie,, AND FUCK YOU BLOODY MARQUIS  FOR MAKING ME WATCH IT

Grade:  None. it doesn’t deserve it.

See ya

About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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