Hello, Spongey here
We interrupt your regular blog reviews to bring you this mindfuckery
I have seen some weird shit in my day. But these two films…just wow. One is out somewhere, and the other…shouldn’t come out, but sadly will.
Let’s do the less stupid one first.
You all know how the theif and the cobbler had some troubles? A guy wanted to make a big work of art, but it took forevr, and studios didn’t want it, and all of that?
This is like that, only it sucks. It’s called Foodfight!
Yes, the exclamation mark is needed. Let’s dissect this trailer first.
It starts with narration and-
WHAT THE FU-
…this animation is HORRID, but at least it gets better, right?
It gets worse.
This makes Delgo look polished! Hell, it makes Hoodwinked 2 look like fucking pixar!
The narration tells of a dog named Dex, who dresses like you know who jones, and saves the day.
“Charlie sheen is dex!”
I’d cry about how a cheap looking movie got a star…but it’s not like hes’ doing anything better these days.
“With Hilary duff!”
…what? She isn’t doing much either, but she’s SANE! I mean..what!
She’s semi taleneted, good looking and…interesting! Way too good for this! Btw, Hilary plays the love interest, and Eva is the villain I think
She sounds nice, I’ll say that. Oh, and check this:
“And Christopher Lloyd”
WHAT THE FUCK!?!
HE’S A BIG STAR! HE’S AWESOME! Why, chirs?! Why?
You were doc brown! You were FROZEN TODAY!
So we see the bad guy with an army,. We see Dex fail at humor, and more awful animation. It doesn’t tell us much about the plot.
Charlie sheen solves crimes and shit,. What’s the real plot, according to the web?
“Dex, a superdog sleuth, is the law of the land when something horrible happens…the love of his life, “Sunshine” has mysteriously disappeared. No one knows where she is and only he can find her. Join everyone’s favorite doggie detective on the search as he and his fantastic friends discover an evil plan and join forces to take on the devilish Brand X. It’s the action-packed supermarket showdown that will have everyone rolling in the aisles!”
Yes, supermarket people who came alive at night. Lame!
I thought this was a cheap-o video brenqudo type thing, and nothing too interesting. But these stars…something’s up!
Oh, and Choris Leachman’s in it too. A troll in central park. That is all
Okay, what is up with this thing?
Well, I’ll copy and paste from an article, with apologizes to that guy who wrote it. Link at the end
In 2000, Larry Kasanoff decided he could do animated movies better than Pixar. So he got in a car with his buddy and drove around until they found an idea. I guess his wife also had him pick up some milk, because the idea turned out to be a supermarket, and all the products coming alive during the night. It was a detective story where Dex Dogtective and friends like to dance and have fun at the Copbanana club, until the mysterious Brand X moves next door. Kasanoff got a bunch of companies to pay for product placement (Charlie the Tuna, Mr. Clean, Cap’n Crunch, Chester Cheetah, Twinkie the Kid, the Energizer Bunny, the Brawny paper towel guy, and many more) and Threshold Entertainment was born!
Foodfight! was targeted for a 2005 release (with distribution by Lions Gate), and Kasanoff was quoted bragging about how his animators were networked from all over the globe. There was also going to be a 3D animated prequel series called Foodfight!: The Adventures of Dex Dogtective.
So yes, in short: this is a cheap looking movie with expensive roger rabbit type crossover and big starts. Wait, there’s more!
2005 came and went with no release. 2006 came and went with no release. Fall 2007 was announced as the release time, but that also came and went with no Foodfight! In 2010, merchandise for Foodfight! was found at a store, but the film was still AWOL and no one had heard a peep since 2007. That article is also great because some of the animators show up to describe their experiences and about how little of the film was completed.
So a guy wanted to make the next pixar, got money, got big stars, paid for mascots…and never did the animation or any real work. So they hastily made it and put it out
This is exactly like what went on with the thief and cobbler…only it was doomed to fail.
The animation Is horrid, the plot sounds dumb, and everything reeks of fail.
Ugh, how could this get worse?
Oh, yeah, there’s our next film!
Only, it’s not cheap. Not direct video. It’s coming to theaters. And it’s not even a small release. I saw this thing on THE CUP OF SODA I BOUGHT WHEN I SAW BRAVE!
This, is The Oogloves
Let’s..look at the trailer.
“For the first time ever, an interactive movie experience!”
If it’s like spy kids 4’s smell shit, I’m out.
What are the oogiloves?
NIGHTMARES, THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE
“From the marketing visionaries who brought you the Teletubbies!”
Now it all makes sense.
Also, marketing. Notice how they say that. That is this movie in a nutshell.
The rest of the trailer features these awful things dancing, signing, and the narrator talking about how you will dance to it
“Staring Toni Braxton!”
Never heard of her. But…she looks hot. TOO HOT FOR THIS SHIT
../..she’s in foodfight too
WHY DO YOU PICK SUCH AWFUL MOVIES?!
…WHAT THE FU-
*one mental breakdown later*
HOW DOES SUCH A GREAT ACTOR DO TWO AWFUL MOVIES LIKE THIS?! WHHYYYY?!
I repeat. WHHHHHHY
We don’t see a plot, so much as these things dancing with famous people, with awful songs.
Oh, and a fish burps.
“This is going to be the most amazing movie ever!”
NO IT WON’T
So we have lowest common demonator kid’s doffer. No morals, no characters, just pain. Awful character, cli8che story, and ugh it HURRRTS.
What is it about?
“It’s Schluufy’s birthday, and the Oogieloves (Goobie, Zoozie and Toofie), along with their friends J. Edgar, Windy Window and Ruffy, are organizing a party. (Shh! It’s a secret.) Everything is going along just perfectly until J. Edgar trips and loses the last five magical balloons in all of Lovelyloveville–OH NO! The Oogiloves set out to find the magical balloons in time to save their friend’s party. Along the way, they meet some very interesting characters indeed, including Dotty Rounder (Cloris Leachman), Bobby Wobbly (Carey Elwes), Milky Marvin (Chazz Palminteri), Rosalie Rosebud (Toni Braxton) and Lola and Lero Sombero (Christopher Lloyd and Jaime Pressly). Can these new friends help them recover the magical balloons and get back to the cottage in time to celebrate Schluufy’s surprise birthday?”
..i didn’t expect anything better to be honest,.
What’s the budget for this?!
HOW DO YOU SPEND 12 MILLION ON SOMETHING AND GET THIIIIIS?!!!
So..what have we learned today kids?
When you try to be the next pixar, actually try to make a movie
When you get the maker of Teletubies, expect failure.
And most of all, when your agent suggests these films, don’t do them. That was for Christohper Lloyd.
Short,but I don’t want to talk about this more than I need to. These are two awful films I hope to never watch or review. Ever.
FOODFIGHT TRAILER http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uROQ9nplxIY
OOGILOVES TRAILER: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyWRO2unrPY