Hello, Spongey here
Welcome back to Halloween in July!
Today Is Friday the 13th. The most unlucky day ever! And of course people like to watch the film franchise of that name, with everyone’s fave killer, Jason!
Last Friday the 13th, I did the 8th film, which was bad, but a lot of fun. Kelly hu. That is all.
So this time, I’ll tackle another Friday film. You see Hollywood likes to reboot old film franchises because…well take it away, 21 jump street!
“they’re out of ideas”
Right! But to be honest, I like the idea of a jason reboot. He’s been through so much crazy shit that he’s a laughing stock it’s a good idea to put jason back in the woods, with his horror roots.
But did they do it right? Let’s find out.
This, is Friday the 13th (2009)
The first thing that pops up is a card saying “In association with Micheal Bay”. Great start, right?
The movie opens on June 13th, 1980. We’re in crystal lake, where we see teenagers running from something. A older lady pops up going after a chick, and talks about how she’ll kill her.
“It’ll be easy for you than it was for jason”
Yes, this is jason’s mom. She talks about how the chick let him drown and such. The chick kills jason’s mom, which only just makes me want to watch the original. I was trying not to compare this with it, but here we are.
We see Jason himself, as a little boy, walking to mom’s corpse. I guess he lived. Maybe he’s a zombie like in the original, but we have no idea if this reboot will follow that. Jason mourns a bit and picks up her machete..
We cut to present day crystal lake. We see dumbass teenager walking and I can already see the kill timer counting down.
We have two hot chicks, and three guys, all annoying. They are called Wade, Richie, make, whitney, and Amanda. I’ll call them those names to be nice, but let’s be honest, they are “soon to be dead teen #1” and so on,.
I’m watching the unrated edition, so there are a few more “fucks” in here. Anyway, the teens are lost while camping. I’ll admit, they do seem like real teens with the swearing, but that doesn’t make them any less annoying.
We cut to that night, as the teens have set up camp. One dude finds an old cabin, which means they are near “the old camp”. And now I wish I watching Cabin in the woods.
One teen sums up the story oh so nicely.: “
“This chick went like fucking nuts, killing all these people. She blamed them for her son drowning, he was like retarded or something”
He’s the goddam jason!
He then goes on to talk about how jason saw his mom get the ax. Of course they think he’s full of shit. They talk more about dumbass things. I wonder where jason is…
A dude and this chick walk off alone, which means they’re goners. The chick tells the dude she doesn’t like being here, far away from her mom. Dude assures her it’s fine and I’m bored now.
We cut back to the others. While two of the dudes talk, the other chick notices nerdy dude is staring so..she takes her top off. Completely. We get a uncovered boob.
Now I’m glad this is the unrated edition. No pics because 1. I hate you all 2. Porn can be found elsewhere.
And this isn’t just for a sec either, it turns into an odd comedy routine with nerdy guy pretending to pay attention to the other guy. I admit, this is pleasing but…stupid. Not funny, not scary. Just …stupid.
Sadly it’s cut short when Reggie looks to her and she covers back up. Wade walks off and takes a piss on a tree. How charming. He spots a leaf that looks…like marihuana. I know Friday movies got stupid but…not like this!
Then he bumps into Jason, who kills him. YAAAAAAY!
Back with those two people from earlier, they are still walking and head into camp crystal lake. They head into the old cabin. Dumbass teens walking into an old cabin? Gee, what could happen?
They just find old shit. Eventually they find an old locket with a pic of a young jason’s mom. Dude notices it looks like this chick, but she’s like nah..
We then cut to Reggie and the hot chick…fucking. Little is seen…but they’re fucking. I like the gesture,. But annoying characters outweigh good nudes.
They hear a noise and think wade the nerd is jacking off nearby. She tells Reggie to tell wade to fuck off. He gets dressed and walks outside. He keeps looking for wade…and finds him. Dead and all./
We cut to hot chick in the tent, as good ol’ jason breaks in! Reggie returns to see hot chick tied up and hanging over the campfire. He trips …over a bear trap. Why was that there? They scream as we cut back to the jason’s mom look-a-like and that other dude in the cabin.
They explore it, and find a severed head! Whose? No idea. They hear a sound and the dude, like a dumbass, goes out to see what is going on. then jason’s good old machete pops out of the floor…guess that’s possible. Jason gets some good stabs and grabs the dude.
Jason fully drags him down. No matter how bad the movie shall be, jason will always be badass. The chick runs off, away from the killer.
She runs to the campfire to see hot chick dead, and Reggie in agony. She tries to free him from the bear trap. Then jason pops up, hopefully ready to kill them all. He awesomely kills reggie.
The kills may be lazy and weak, but I still love seeing dumbasses get killed. He runs, stabs her with the machete and..
..You must be kidding me. That was all a PROLOGUE?! We are 20 minutes in and that was all a prologue!?
I thought this was one of those movies where the title doesn’t show up til the end. I hate that but still! Why make a 20 MINUTE PROLOGUE?! It just wastes our time! i…ugh.
Okay…now for the real movie.
We cut to 6 weeks later, with our real main characters. We have trent, his girlfriend Jenna , and their friends Chelsea, Bree , Chewie , Nolan , and Lawrence
More killer fodder for jason!
They are headed on a trip. Also, one of those guys is black, which means he will die first. They are in a store right now, and we see Clay (played by the pointless bully from Bay’s transformers) who is looking for his sister…the jason’s mom look-a-like from the long opening. I’ll finally call her whitney, k?
But enough of that. The other dumbasses head in their van and drive off. But again, we are still on Clay. A cop approaches him, cuz clay asked them to find his sister, and he is told she was never found. They talk a tiny bit
‘my mother just died of cancer, did I tell you that?”
….wow. I thought the next karate kid was bad with the sudden exposition but this…yikes. It’s like if in the middle of a batman movie, bruce wayne was talking to some guy and shouted “MY PARENTS ARE DEAD”.
Doesn’t add up, does it?
It turns out Whitney vanishes right before the funereal. This would sad if these character weren’t just kill fodder. because this movies jumps around, we cut to our dumbasses as they are at their destination…crystal lake. They don’t know of the events that happened.
I guess MURDERS never made the news, and they didn’t think that this place was a bad place. Idiots.
Okay, with so many character, we need to separate them. We have black guy for one. And they actually lampshade some black stereotypes, when one chick asks about rap to him, and he gets offended. That’s a little funny.
The chick who asked him this is hot chick #1. The other chick is hot chick #2. The guy leading this is Trent, we got that. And to top it off, we have Asian dude.
DARTH HELMET: you got that?!
After a bit with them, the movie heads back to clay. He’s driving through the town, asking people if they’ve seen Whitney. I’ll give the movie this: Clay is the only decent character. He’s likable, and I semi sympathize with him. Sure, he’s not great but in a sea of dumb teens, he stands out.
The lady he asks tell him that whitney Is most likely dead. When people vanish around there, they’re dead.
We cut (I’d get pissed, but I don’t really care about all the cuts in this one) back to the dumb ones, as trent leaves them and hangs out with his girlfriend,. Okay, the other chick will be hot chick, and this one is just girlfriend. Again, this is cut short by another cut to a new scene.
After a bit with clay, we return to trent. As hot chick and some dude named Nolan who I overlooked cuz he was that dull, say they’re going wakeboarding. As they go off, Clay shows up at the cabin, asking about his sister. Clay is invited in and we see the others being dumb, and…this other chick. Okay, I can’t follow 20 damn characters for god’s sake.
This isn’t the hot chick that went with Nolan, nor is it girlfriend. This is…..other chick. Until further notice. Trent doesn’t want clay here, as he shows the NO INTERESTING CHARACTERS ALLOWED sign I bet he has.
This review is getting mixed up. Let’s figure out the names: Girlfriend=Jenny. Hot chick=Chelsea. Bree is that other chick. Get it? Got it? Good
Clay walks off, and Jenna asks if he’d like some company on his quest. He’s like “sure” and they go. We cut to a farmhand that clay was talking to earlier. He’s just hanging in his house. He hears some noises and goes to check it out
He’s also high and does weird shit, like lick a pic of a hot chick in a magazine. Just roll with it. While he’s hitting on a mannequin when jason shows up. WOOT!
Also, he has this sack thing on his head for some reason. Farm dude knocks it off, revealing a messed up face. Jason promptly kills the guy. Hell yes/
Jason sees his bag is now ripped. He looks around the house and sees…a hockey mask. Oh fuck yes! He puts it on and we have our killer, ladies and gentlemen,.
Sadly, we have to cut back to the other guys. We are with Chelsea and Nolan. Of course we also cut to Clay and Jenna between this, as they talk about his mom. But that is cut short too.
I’d complain about the cut to Chelsea wakeboarding…but BOOBSHOT. Again, no pic. Evil laugh.
Things are fun…until an arrow flies in and kills Nolan. WOOT! This leaves Chelsea a bit helpless. We get a shot where we find the arrow flinger, was indeed jason. Where he got the bow is anyone’s guess/. She spots jason, who takes out a machete as if to say “want this, bitch?”
We cut to Clay and Jenna…who have wandered into camp crystal lake. Oh boy. But again, we have to return to Chelsea, as she has swam under a doc, with jason on top. She thinks she’s safe…then a machete hits from above. I can’t express in words how hilariously awesome this kill looks.
Plus it has a boob shot. Two great things for the price of one! I love how jason just walks off as if it’s nothing.
Back with Clay and Jenna, they explore a dark old cabin at night. Sounds good. After they explore a bit, they wisely leave. They suddenly spot jason, and hide.
He doesn’t do much except carry this bigass bag and stuff. They walk off without him noticing, and Jason walks into this underground lair thing.
And who is trapped down there? Whitney! Dun dun dun! We won’t get an explanation for her capture. Yet. We do see Jason sharpen his machete…LIKE A BOSS.
She cowers in fear and jason lumbers a bit. After a bit, he leaves to go kill some more. She looks in his bag and sees those missing posters of her that clay had. But she is able to break the lock jason had (guess the killer didn’t think to take away that GPS with the hardwires she used to pick the lock) .
At the one hour mark, when you’re trapped in a lair with a killer with a hokey mask, you gotta ask yourself: how did I get here?
She escapes and we return to the 3 stooges: Blacky, Asiany, and Bree. They hang around, do stuff, and trent returns. Asian dude breaks a chair, which is a family thing, and trent makes him go to the shed to get some tools
While that is going on, Bree drags trent into another room to fuck. Which means another boob shot. Why do so many movies show tits but no dick? It’s like a taboo. On TV we get dick symbols, but no tits. In movies, it’s the opposite!
I’m not gay or anything, I just think it’s unfair. But that’s off topic.
Clay and Jenna return and call the police. Jenna tries to get Trent…but he’s a bit busy. Which means another look at bree’s boobs. The more this happens the more I don’t mind it…
We back up to find Jason watching them from the window. …ew! We return to the Asian guy in the shed. He stumbles a bit…and bumps into jason. How he got there so fast, I don’t know…nor do I care.
Jason kills him by stabbing his neck slowly. Oh hell yes. Best kill yet. Then we cut to bree and trent fucking. You know, I don’t think they’re acting. I think the two actors started fucking and the actors just threw it in!
“oh god, they’re fucking! …someone film this!
“But we have a movie to shoot”
“…put It in!”
While they climax, Whitney runs up to the window…only for jason to come up and take her. Haw.
The lights go out, but trent cares about how he thinks clay and jenna were doing the nasty. Even the characters think trent is a dick.
The blackguy goes out to see what’s going on. Well he’s dead. He goes out to the shed. Of course he bumps into the Asian guy’s corpse…and jason. The black guy realizes what movie he’s in and runs off instead of staying.
But while he’s running, Jason picks up an ax and throws it right at his back. Damn, jason’s got a good throwing arm! But black guy is still alive, and I know what jason is thinking
“Damn, I gotta suck pretty hard to fail at killing the black guy”
Thankfully, jason takes him and finishes the job. Back in the cabin, Bree looks around a bit for some reason, and stumble upon the bathroom. A chick in the bathroom. Yep, she’s dead. Sure enough, Jason pops up behind her
How does he get around so fast? Does he have magic teleporting powers? He throws her into some deer mantle thingy. Meh.
Jason looks out the window and sees a police car. A cop gets out and heads to the cabin. But Jason shows up and stabs him. Fuck yes!
The kids get worried and run out. They get in the cop car, but Jason throws bree’s body on top of it from the roof. Uh, Bree’s body was in the bathroom just a sec ago, In a bit I skipped. How did he do this so fast? Teleporting, I tells ya!
The kids run like hell. Trent runs until he finds some dude’s truck. But before he can do anything, Jason pops up and stabs the asshole. He not only stabs him, but he sticks him to the very back of the moving truck. Oh yeah./
And then there were two, Clay and Jenna end up back at the old camp cabin. They find a trapdoor which leads to that lair from earlier. They eventually find Whitney at long last.
Their meeting is cut short by Jason showing up. Clay and Jenna escape, but whitney ends up behind witth jason. He spots her and-
She kicks him. Hell yes! Jason however starts to drag her. “No one kicks me bitch!”
But she does end up escaping. Which makes that bit-
Chasing ensues, and Jason tries to get the hit on clay. They fight a bit. Jason almost gets him in some…saw…woodchipper…thing. It seems like clay is a goner. But Whitney pops up, and jason let’s clay go..
She holds up that locket of jason’s mom. “you can stop now”
Jason stares and..
No. they’re not.
Jason is distracted by the image of his mom and clay is able to stab him. What. Jason, the badass killer, is…foiled by the power of love.
That…is fucking stupid. You just made the badass killer just a momma’s boy. The writer wanted to make Jason a killing machine, and not fully sympathetic, but still have a tragic past.
That’s all well and good, but you don’t want your ruthless killer like…this! It’s so dumb, so cliche…that it’s hilarious
Oh, and Jenna died in all this. It happens so fast, even the writers admitted they had a bigger death, but cut it short to get to the climax.
Anyway, Whitney stabs jason with his machete. The two run out, glad to be alive. they dump jason’s body in the lake.
Everything seems fine.
Then…Jason pops out of the dock and grabs whitney. Roll credits.
I guess they were trying to do what the original did. You know, with jason’s dead body coming to life. In that regard it works. Whatever, movie’s over!
This was…meh. Was it good? No. was it bad? A tiny bit. Horrible? Nah. It was mostly okay. It’s your typical slasher flick. The teens are dumb and unlikable, except for maybe Clay. The acting is decent, for the most part. The kills are cool, though predictable. The best death is the Asian dudes, and Chelsea’s of course. Both are awesome.
The plot was dull, many scenes lead to nothing in the middle, the middle section is the worst. Very little happens and you’re just waiting for jason. But…it is a little fun. It was fun to mock the clichés and conventions.
But…there are better fun horror films. Hell Friday part 8 was a lot of fun, and a lot better done than this. This was just meh. Jason is the only reason to watch it. The actor does a good job making jason a bit smarter and more fast. He’s fun to watch, and his kills are nice.
If they just were more creative, took away the ending, made each teen likable, made it more scary, then this would be a decent movie. As it is, it’s a little fun If you’re bored/drunk, but otherwise, it’s just okay I will say it’s not a bad reboot. I’ve seen much worse.
Will they do another? Well if they did, it’d be the 13th Jason movie.
Well, Jason got the rermake treatment. Since no one really liked this one, I think they’ll leave well enough alone. At least Freddy isn’t getting a-
NEXT: A Nightmare on elm street remake!