Goosebump a thon #47: Legend of the Lost Legend

Hello, Spongey here

 

Welcome back to Goosebump-athon!

 

Legend of the Lost Legend

 Image

LEGENDCEPTION

Cover:  .Ugh this cover. Not only is not scary, it’s just appealing. What does this even have to do with the book!? In Tim’s defense, it’s not like /i/ could think of anything to fit the book. But it still sucks

                                            

Front Tagline: “Finders Keepers!”

Back Tagline:  “It’s a real horror story!” this isn’t a “scary” book, so this makes no sense

Summary:

Siblings Marissa and Justin Clarke are lost in Antarctica and searching for their Dad, Richard Clarke, a famous writer exploring the woods looking for the elusive Blue Sea Lion. However, he has disappeared, leaving the two kids to fend for themselves in the wintry wild.

Holy shit, an interesting story? I’m hyped!

Redhead (a nice ginger in a goosebumps book!?) Marissa  complains it’s too cold, so cold her freckles disappear! Suddenly, the sled the two kids are riding shoots off, leaving poor Justin literally in the cold. He runs after the sled and finally catches up just in time for he and his sister to see the elusive Blue Sea Lion! Suddenly, the ice the two kids are on cracks. They’re now literally adrift in the ice.

Oh god, what’s gonna hap-

Then it is revealed that Dad’s just telling his two kids a story involving them

Fuck.

The family is not in Antarctica at all, but rather camping out in the woods of a (fictional) European country named Brovinia. After Justin accidentally knocks over a lantern and sets their tent ablaze, Justin’s father lashes out at his kids. Apparently they’ve been lazy.

Richard Clarke, the dad, tells his kids about his search for the Lost Legend. He goes into detail about why they’re visiting the small country of Brovania. He reminds his kids that he’s a writer and he’s there to find The Lost Legend, which is an ancient manuscript that is worth a lot of money.

Their father falls fast asleep, so Justin and Marissa try to drift off to sleep in their tent. However, they are awakened by animal noises. Justin briefly thinks that rather than being a random woodland creature, the animal outside their tent is probably a werewolf. Justin walks outside the tent to see what creature is making noises and he sees a large white dog wagging his tail. Justin goes over to pet the forest dog, and he keeps petting the dog while Marissa reminds him of one of their dad’s stories, “the Laughing Ghost Dog.”

Once upon a time there was a happy dog that appeared outside of a home in the village. As kids went to pet it, it started howling to the moon. See, it was calling its ghost dog friends to come and eat the villagers. When they found the dog later, he was laughing

…lamest story ever

Justin continues to pet the dog. He is surprised to find the dog is wearing a collar, and tucked underneath it is a note: “I KNOW WHY YOU’RE HERE. FOLLOW SILVERDOG.”

Silverdog. Troy was right, that’s an amazing name

 

The kids decide they must show their dad this note, but unfortunately they can’t wake him up! The two realize that they must follow Silverdog, even if their father can’t go with them. As they prepare to trail behind the dog, Marissa reminds Justin of their father’s story about the Forest Imp. It’s just as lame as the dog one, so I won’t talk about it.

The dog leads them to a cabin in the woods, –

God, I wish

=and naturally the two kids go inside. There they are greeted by a large blonde woman wearing a Viking horn helmet named Ivanna.

What.

 She makes the kids some soup. Cuz why not?

Ivanna pulls the noodles out of their soup and reads their fortune. She tells the kids that they are going to have to face a survival test in the morning if they hope to find the silver chest containing the Lost Legend. Ivanna tells them she’s serious, as she would never joke about the survival test in the Fantasy Forest.

Okay, who is this chick? What’s the fantasy forest? Why is she here? Is she magic? Who is silverdog?

All these questions will be answered never.

 

Justin is suddenly knocked out of his chair by a furry creature with a human face. It’s Luka, a boy raised by wolves, who will serve as the children’s guide in their survival test.

Well of course. Don’t you see the natural choice of a wolf boy?

The children fall asleep in the strange woman’s cabin and awake the next morning to find themselves in a clearing in the woods. Their test has begun! Luka scampers around while the kids put on their empty backpacks, which have been left for them in the clearing. They start down their path when Luka spots a squirrel and chases after it. They try to stop him but Luka disappears, leaving the kids alone

The kids keep on their quest and encounter a bunch of trees that are dropping large nuts. Ew.

This torrent of nuts lands on the ground and the nuts pop open, and mice come out.

Mice…comes out of…WHAT.

 The mice swarm around the kids. The mice are robots. The kids switch them off. Sure./

Justin shoves a couple into his backpack to use later. Marissa runs off and gets smashed by a falling tree. Except the tree is fake. What.

Marissa lightly brushes the tree off her body. She then happily goes around smashing the fake trees in the forest until she finds a real one. When she pummels the real tree, bats come out. The bats “swoop in for the kill” and the kids flee.  

They flee into quicksand that lies on the edge of the stream in the woods. Justin helpfully informs his sister not to worry, as he can see the drain in the middle of this stream. Then some giant cats, towering taller than the treetops appear.

Giant cats, robot mice, and fake trees. Why the fuck not?

 

The giant cats pick the kids out of the quicksand with their teeth and start batting the kids around. The cat then tries to swallow Justin. Justin’s plan is to use the mice from his backpack to distract the giant cats. That doesn’t work but luckily for no reason the cat spits Justin back out. The kids run away and somehow make their way back to Ivanna’s cabin.

Wait, but the cabin was in the normal forest? Where is this place? Is it another world. If so, how is the normal cabin there?!

They spot Ivanna sitting motionless with her back to the door. In her back is a large wind-up key.

….fuck you book

Silverdog shows up to whimper a little and then Luka shows up and pounces towards the kids. But surprise, Luka can speak perfect English and he congratulates the kids on passing the test! Luka then strips off his fur and explains what has happened to the kids. He built Ivanna and all the artificial aspects of the Fantasy Forest to protect the forest’s treasure.

So where is the forest? Is it in the normal one? If so, why-

Fuck it.

The kids passed the test by realizing what was fake and what was real in the forest. Billy, she is not.

Luka gives the kids the silver chest containing the Lost Legend and tells them to follow Silverdog back to their campsite, as the dog will protect them from thieves in the forest. The kids get panicked by footsteps behind them and in a confused flurry they topple over themselves, sending the chest flying through the air and into the arms of their father.

Dad’s relieved to have found his kids, and even more relieved to see they found his treasure.

 They all gather around the treasure chest, pry it open and find/// an egg. What

They decide to take the wrong treasure back to Luka. Luka is awfully embarrassed; as he was sure the kids and their father were in search of the Eternal Egg of Truth.

 

You mean to tell me I read about cats, mice, trees, Vikings, and a wolf boy, In a story full of stupid events and shit that makes no sense…to find it  was all POINTLESS?1

FUCK YOU

 Luka takes back the egg and explains that he doesn’t possess the Lost Legend but some folks across the way do, although they may not be willing to part with it. The family treks off to meet with the protectors of the Lost Legend.

Right away they find some people camping,. They politely ask for the Lost Legend and are shocked when it is handed over immediately. The family starts walking back through the woods, treasure in tow, when they get overcome with a need to check out the Lost Legend for themselves.

Twist Ending:

They open the chest, read the scroll, and find out the only thing written on it is the following: “Whoever Owns the Lost Legend Will Be Lost Forever.” The family looks up and sees the trees have grown taller.

“We’re lost”

Okay, semi amusing ending, but still, this book sucks

TV Episode:  none

Notable Lines: “You don’t know where to look for firewood in a forest? How about on the ground?”

 

Useless Fact: this one of 4 GB books that are out of print. I see why…

Final Thoughts:

This book is bad at a level I never thought was possible. The characters are bland, but that is a given at this point. The main reason I hate this book is the story itself. It makes no sense, never explains anything, and isn’t scary or fun. Even the worst books have a coherent plot! It completely spits in kid’s faces. You want a real story? Fuck you! It makes no sense, has nothing to offer for kids or adults. It’s just an awful book. And since I found nothing good…oh yeah, it’s getting my punishment

Grade: F

 

See ya!

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About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
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