Hello, Spongey here
So today I will review an RL Stine book that came out last year. When I first got it, I expected a normal book. But then I read it and…well let’s take a look
I have no intro at all, as this needs none.
This is…It’s The First Day of School…forever.
The book opens with Artie, our main character, telling us about the worst day ever.
“Imagine you have a dentist appointment. He has to drill a big hole in your tooth. And he keeps drilling”
Sounds like a bad porno.
“My day was worse”
His day starts off with him falling out of bed, and his mom walking in on this
“What are you doing, artie?”
“My morning exercise”
He tells us he is quite the deadpan snarker
“I’d rather have a smart mouth than a dumb mouth”
Can’t argue with that! So, He describes his mom
“She may be the best looking mom ever’
He looks for a shirt, one of which says “stand back. Wide load”
He plugs his cell phone charger in..and gets shocked. No , he did not touch water. So…what the hell?
He has a dog named wowser and a brother named Eddy. One bites a lot, and one’s a dog. Seriously.
Eddie ends up getting sticky syrup in Arties hair. Sadly, he has no time to wash, so he has to keep it. Uh mom, I think he can stand being late to GET SYRUP OF HIS HAIR.
Anyway, he has to walk Eddie to his school. He does, but then…a gasoline truck speeds by…and splashes a puddle all over artie. Oh come on ,you can’t put a gas truck and have nothing explode!
He heads to his own school, and runs into Principal Jenks. But then the dog shows up, as he was following artie. He attacks jenks, and he can’t go take him home, so his mom must pick him up later.
Um, it is literally impossible that the dog followed him. Even if i just assume Mom is an idiot and left the door open, the dog could not follow him like 4 blocks without going behind him. And in that case, Artie would have to have heard it!
He bumps into a kid, named Brick, and a girl warns him about him.
“She was totally hot”
“Tell him your sorry, he rules the school. He’s totally a good guy’
Uh, if he beats up kids then he is not a good guy.
This chick is shelly, which artie thinks is short for Sheldon (wut). Yep, he likes her. Yes, they do not hook up.
Some kids are throwing a ball (wut) and artie catches it. He tries to throw it back…but he slips and it smacks brick. D’oh!
But he just kind of winces and moves on. Lame.
He heads to his first class, which has shelly in it. The teacher then explains their class pet…a scorpion.
A bee ends up bugging Artie, and he ends up flipping out and…knocking over the scorpion case, which makes the little guy fall out the window. Why is the window even open when a dangerous creature is next to it?!
The teacher is like “eh, it lived”. Yes. The class pet just fell out the window, but who cares, right?
She tells artie to go down to the book room to get some books. The catch? It’s in the basement.
He goes down there and bumps into the book room guy, Mr Blister. I can tell he’s gonna be a charming character. He has video monitors watching the classrooms. What.
He asks for his textbook
“You have to be measured for books”
So then he…takes out his hair
….All the what’s in the world can’t help me now.
He heads back to class with his books. Later at lunch, he drops his tray. By luck, he ends up landing a seat next to shelly.
But of course, Brick is in the same group, and everyone ends up talking about him. So he just leaves and heads to the bathroom-
What.Someone just said perv in an RL Stine kid’s book .WHAT.
So…yeah. He walked in the girls room by mistake. Wah wah.
He heads to his next class, which brick is in. He reaches into brick’s backpack, thinking it’s his and pulls out a jockstrap. This does not please brick.
“You’re in for a world of trouble”
After class, brick calls for artie, but he runs off.
But on the stairs, he bumps into brick’s friend, Darnell. He falls down the stairs and gets hurt.
Oh, and so does Brick, when he trips over artie’s ankle. Man, Gary Lutz has NOTHING on this kid.
So yeah, they can’t play anymore (they were on the football team) and artie is hated. He visits the principal’
“Everyone in school hates you now, but you shouldn’t take it personally”
…Best line ever.
He’s not in trouble, but he does warn artie not to fuck u-
“I asked Darnell and some of his teammates to beat you up after school”
“I asked them to give you a really good pounding”
“I wanted the rest of the-“
YOUR PRINCIPAL JUST SAID ,IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, HE WOULD ASK PEOPLE TO BEAT YOU UP
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING NOT FREAKING OUT
Yeah, that scene? FUCKED UP.
Later on, he accidentally messes up Darnell’s locker, thinking it’s his. Then the entire team gives chase.
In order to escape, he hides in the book room. He hides In a corner of the basement…and sees dead bodies.
They just spoke. What.
“I fell back…and woke up in my bed’
It was…all a dream?! You can’t tell me-*
*There’s like 90 pages left*
Oh…so are we, 70 pages in, starting the Groundhog day loop? Fine, but ….the dream thing. Not needed!
Oh, and the chapter count resets with each loop. Neat.
So yeah…artie thinks that was All a long dream and this is his real first day. He gets shocked again, bumps his head, and has syrup-y waffles.
“My dream..it’s coming true!”
Okay THIS , I can buy. He had a huge dream and the loop is part of that. I get it! But did you have to use the dumb stuff and dream things? This book is INSANE.
The gas truck splashes him. The exact things are happening, note for note. He’s…not happy.
He gets to school, and freaks out about how both it and mr jenks looks the same as in his dream.
After dog thing, he goes to his class again. He runs into Brick and Shelly once again…and they also look the exact same.
Then the ball thing happens. Artie bonks him once again. The principal sees this
“Don’t fight the law, the law always wins”
Is this a horror book or a freaking western?
Then we have a scene I skipped the first time. Artie walks into the wrong classroom by accident. Then it goes…differently.
Brick is in it, and while forcefully picking up his backpack, stabs brick in the eye.
Jenks comes in and sees the whole thing.
“Don’t test my patience. It is great…but my wrath is greater”
He heads to his real class. The scorpion thing happens all over again. Only this time it dies. Yikes.
The bee pops up again, and when artie tries to swat it,…he hits shelly. This kid has the shittest luck EVER
He’s asked to go the book room. Oh boy, more measuring!
Only this time he spots gravestones. What.
Blister pops up and says the school was built on a graveyard. But of course. He measures him and he walks off.
Artie remembers that yesterday, he burned himself on a pipe. But he did not today. He looks at his hand…a burn. It was real. He realizes he’s in a loop.
Now the book can get normal, right?
He skips lunch and goes outside to the playground…What middle school has a playground?
Here he bumps into shelly, who is cool with the head injury he gave her. He hurts her again when they bump heads bending for a sandwich and NOW she tells him to go the fuck away.
Then the girl’s room thing happens. Yep, we get to see the word perv TWICE in the same book.
Next class. He pulls out the jockstrap. He throws it to brick…it lands out the window. He dives out and…
“I woke up in my own bed”
Damn it! A loop is fine…but have him live a full day first, Stine!
Anyway, so he’s stuck in the loop. He tells his Mom about the loop, and she doesn’t buy it,. She says she saw it in a movie once.
Stay subtle, stine
He tries to prove it mom, by saying what happens. But things go differently. There are no waffles, just eggs
So no syrup hair. He takes Eddie to school, but then the truck comes. Only now…it’s skunk oil. It crashes and artie is SKUNK’D
“I was back in my bed”
…Okay, I’m fine. The book is getting interesting, and now it knows what it’s doing for once! Yeah, it’s insane, but maybe it’ll get normal now!
He talks to mom,…when there is a bright flash, and he’s now at school.
LET’S DO THE TIME WAR-
He talks to jenks.
“I AM THE LAW!’
Sorry, I had to.
The dog pops up…and bites jenks’ hand off.
Artie sneaks off and the ball thing happens. He throws it…
“the ball shot right through brick’s head’
Brick then threatens him and-
THIS IS NOT NORMAL
“Did you ever see Revenge of the man with the hole in his head?”
“You’re gonna live it!’
Artie moves on like this book isn’t fucked up beyond what-ness. He goes to class and the scorpion thing happens. Only this time, it latches onto him and-
Time warp! Flash, and he’s in the hall after lunch. The football team chases artie for the ball thing.
He runs to the book room again. But zombies come out of the grave.
He runs and bumps into the mannequins again.
Oh god, this again. The football guys rush down there in the middle of this
GUYS; oh look zombies…no big deal.
They all advance on him…when blister shows up. Then…he turns out to be…a bunch of animals combined into one. Ultimate what.
“I stared into bright light”’
His dentist stares at him.
“I didn’t think the gas would knock you out for that long”
“Patients say they have crazy dreams under gas’
…It was all a gas induced dream.
Guys. I doubt gas can make you see this fucked up shit.
This twist…it’s so insane…I like it. I mean, this book just troll’d me!\
He goes to sleep that night, and wakes up
“Aartie, wake up. It’s your first day of school”
Oh noes, it’s real!
Okay, so now what?
“Chris, what’s that game?
“It’s called the first day of school forever. You control artie and get him through his first day. But all those crazy things happen. Monsters, zombies, you know. But sometimes you fail and have to repeat the day over again. “
“Sounds neat, chris”
“Watch what happens when his dog follows him”
I think I’ll go take a nap.
*ONE NAP LATER*
Wow, that was a nice nap. So where was i?
Oh, the book.
…WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ?!
…let’s move on to my final thoughts.
This is the most insane book I’ve ever read. It trolls you. It has crazy thing after crazy thing. Every time it gets normal, and you figure it out, it throws more crazy shit at you. It’s always one stop ahead. It cannot be argued with. When I first finished it, I had literally no opinion at all. It just was that insane.
I can’t even call it bad. It’s well written. But…wow. The twist is so dumb that you have to accept it. After all, that’s the point. You were meant to be spinning your head, and the twist was just a troll moment.
You can’t get angry. It was meant to get you confused. It’s like inception, only not.
Is it good, or bad? This question bugged me ever since I read it and re-reading for this review…it say it’s so fuckedup it’s good.
It’s well written, you get into the plot, and even buy into it’s craziness. Artie is a charming character who you relate to and he has good lines.
It is a pisstake, but a pretty good pisstake.
Grade: none. It’s…just crazy
Gh look, RL Stine is talking about this book on twitter, guess I’ll just say how insane it is. I’m sure he won’t mind.
I can die happy