Hello, Spongey here
Wow. It seems like only yesterday I had written my 50th blog. I’ve made it through a lot, from tributes to cartoons, to lists of worst children’s horror books. I’ve even done stupid filler posts, like short lists and such!
But no matter how much I deny it, I have done a lot here. This is my
1OOTH BLOG POST!
This includes small stuff like my welcome blog, and such. I put together all my blogger and wordpress posts to get this number. So what will I do for the big 100? Well I wanted to look at a movie I have wanted to review for a while. But that’s not enough. I will do something completely different you see…
This review is A MUSICAL!
Yes, throughout the review I will burst into songs with only lyrics and no music or singing because this is just text.
Is this stupid and pointless?
Yes. Yes it is.
But screw it, I wanted to do a musical review, and my friend wrote songs about this movie for no reason awhile back. So here we go
So how do I explain this one?
In this city
There is an old man telling tales to kids
He hopes they’ll never truly believe
But these kids will never rest
Until they know the truth
In the woods
Is a stoner hiding a tape recorder
To fool his friends one late October eve
But he may soon discover that
His joke is more serious than it seems
Cry Baby Lane
Is in my mind, and in my sights
I am not prepared for the possible frights
I may perceive, due to events
In the olden days
There is a farmer with two siamese twins
One’s evilness faces the farmer with a choice
He has to saw their body in half
This is quite a laugh
Cry Baby Lane
Is in my mind, and in my sights
The evil one is controlling everyone’s mind
So now he has to fight
In the city that I mentioned a while back
The stoner has to find a way to save his town before it’s too late
And though he was an ass before these strange events
He has since changed
In the cornfield,
The stoner’s faced with quite a predicament
Kiss his possessed friend or face something called Chi-Chi
He notices a spider crawling up her tongue
Eventually, he saves the day, leading us to say
Cry Baby Lane
Is in my mind, and in my sights
A movie filled with frights
When you’re a child, living
In the USA,
A child sees and is traumatized
Leading Nick to ban the movie from the public’s eyes
Cry Baby Lane
Yea, that was awesome, eh? But now I spoiled the plot.
Anyway, so Nick aired this movie in 2000, they took it off the air, and it was lost. Then someone found it, put it online, everyone started talking about, and Teenick saw this, and finally re-aired it in 2011.
Rumor has it Nick got letters from angry soccer mom’s about it being really freaking scary. They should have used the RL Stine method and just made them get eaten.
Yeah, I was interested when I heard about it. I saw it online, then I watched it live.
So let’s see if this thing is scary.
This, is CRY BABY LAAAAAAANE!
Yea, still on the singing thing.
So the movie begins with a good ol’ black and white flashback, complete with narrator.
“There was a farmer, whose wife gave birth to twins”
Okay, that’s scary. Especially if it’s zack and cody.
“Due to a mutation, the infants joined as one flesh”
So we have conjoined twins….In a Nick movie.
Okay, creepy idea. Let’s see if they roll with it. They won’t.
So the one of the twins became evil, and died, so the farmer un-joined the bodies the old fashion way and buried only the good son.
“He buried the son at a field, at the end of an old dirt road, called cry baby lane”
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title!
So yeah, creepy voice, creepy concept..yeah, I’m liking this. Now we cut to present day as our two kid heroes, are being told this story.
The story is being told by this old dude, played by Frank Langella. No, really. The director originally wanted Tom Waits for the role of the caretaker, but Nickelodeon insisted on Frank Langella in hopes that it would garner extra publicity.
Yeah, it didn’t work
So who is this guy, and why is telling these kids about COINJINED TWINS? He’s the owner of…a taxidermy place. Yes.
His name is Bennet. They never explain why these kids know a random old guy,. Or why he tells the story. I think it’s lazy writing.
The boys, Andrew and Carl, ride through the town on their bikes as the credits roll. Yeah, a whole minute of film wasted on this.
Later that night, Andrew has a bad dream, which is just images of that old farmhouse, with the dead twin dude laughing evil-y in the background.
You know, when they said this movie was traumatizing to many children, I was expecting something truly frightening… Like a Seltzer and Friedberg movie.
S: Ooh, that gives me a great idea.
F: Oh my god, I’m so psyched to hear this
S: You ready for this bro
]F: I’m ready!
S: …..GooseSnookiBump! It would be a parody of all those old Goosebumps books. WITH JERSEY SHORE, SKINS, AND DEGRASSI CHARACTERS MIXED IN!
F: Aw, I thought we could mix in internet memes as well, and have Derpy Hooves accidentally strike
S:~ IDEEEEEA! The Slapuation, an ordinary dummy, with lightning, which makes him sentient…
Both: AND A EVIL MASTERMIND DUMMY/TERRIBLE TEEN STEREOTYPE
F: I love you so much, Aaron
S: ……Vice versa, Jason. Vice versa.
………Are you two done? I have a review to do, y’know. Anyways. What we get is something much…. tamer, I guess. Here, let me explain this in song:
When children are young, I guess their minds
Exaggerate their sights
Filling their mind up to the brim with irrational type frights
So, when they saw this movie
Their perceptions went to town
And what they remember seeing, is much worse than what was laid down
There’s this farmer who kills his only sons
One comes back to life
Making everyone zombies
And creating the stoner’s strife
He’ll kill all of the zombies
Kill the farmer’s son
Send the devil back to Hell
And get the girl as well
He better do it soon enough
Or life there on will be rough
(At least, as I said before, this is what they think they saw. As we know now, that description is horribly inaccurate, yet despite the true film not being too terrible, would still probably make a better movie than what we have)
Yep, I spoiled the plot again.Blame the guy I hired to write the songs cuz I’m lazy.
Anyway, point is, the movie is not scary from an adult point of vow. But this is a kids movie, and kids are easily scared. So let’s move on.
So much like the kids watching this movie, he gets scared from un-scary things, and tells his mom about it. She finds out that old dude told him a story, and says Andy can’t talk to him cuz he is a bad influence
You know, cuz he tells stories about conjoined twins. Smart mom.
The next day Carl tortures Andrew, cuz he’s pissed they can’t go to Frank’s anymore due to Andy’s nightmares.
Yes, how dare she ban you from the creepy guy who owns a taxidermy place and tells you stories about evil conjoined twins!
Carl’s acting is really odd. He seems to talk in this weird voice, like if an alien tried to talk perfect English. It sounds right, but it also doesn’t. it’s hard to explain
Also, he’s an ass for no real reason. So we cut to Andrew and his black friend playing lord of the rings.
No, really. They’re dressed up in some stupid outfits, talking about hobbits and shit.
It’s lord of the rings. This movie came out one year before the first LOTR movie, so only the books were there.And the animated ones, but no kid knew of those.
So these ten year old kids read really long fantasy epic novels? I call bullshit.
So the andy kid is sad cuz he wants more.Yeah, he’s a Disney princess I guess.
“Who peed in your cornflakes?”
…….Hm. It seems that I, a 16 year old male from Texas know less about kids then the director, Peter Lauer did. Luckily, we have a satellite uplink with him right now. Peter! Peter Lauer, are you there?
Lauer: Yes. Yes I am. I see you’re reviewing Cry Baby Lane.
Correct you are.
Lauer: Have you picked up on the subtle nuances of innuendo strewn about the film?
………No I have not. But anyways, it seems as though you know more about kids than anyone else. Care to explain some of your unique knowledge with us?
Lauer: Can I do it in song?
Lauer: Well…….Spongey my friend, I can not express my delight
It’s extremely well-put, that me stepping my foot, will make everything clear and alright
Yeah, this looks to be quite a thrill ride
But please just stick to the subject I said
It’s of utmost importance that the info you give is versically, intelligently said
Lauer: Kids. Verse. Smart. Got it.
I have so many hardcutting insights, just wait and you’ll see
: Can we cut through the treacle?
Our younger readers are getting antsy
Lauer: Well, kids hang out with old folks
Even if they’re creepy, untrusted, and mysterious as can be
Creepy? Mysterious? I wouldn’t say that. His stories were, but he wasn’t.
Lauer: Spongey,, hang on. See, now, that was only my first fact
Sooner or later, we’ll get nearly on-track
Just wait, my boy, it’ll all be apparent soon!
Oh god, he’s a rambler. Make him stop.
Lauer: Okay, how ’bout this. 8 year-olds read Tolkien novels and play games based on them. Keep in mind, this is a year before Jackson’s adaptions are released, so I can’t use that as an excuse. And the Bakshi adaptions weren’t that well-known to kids then. So reading the books is the only way they’ll know the story.
…Yeah, no. kids do not read long books…or at all.
Lauer: I have so many hardhitting tidbits, you’re going to see
Worms and strange scenes, who knows what I mean?
And that is related, why?
Lauer: Well, it really isn’t. I was just stating my confusion at some aspects of the film
YOU’RE THE DIRECTOR! I’m about ready to end this if you don’t~
Lauer: Don’t think about leaving, I’ll say something worthwhile
Did you know I wanted Andrew to be a crocodile?
You really have no idea what you’re doing here, do you?
Lauer: ………Not really, no
: Of course, I just knew it
Your title is just a hoax, it’s full of shit
Lauer: Now, hold on
I make some awesome movies
Timeless and classic too
: For being drunk, yes you do
THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY
TO DETER MY CURRENT TRAIN OF THOUGHT
ABILITY, AND SUCH
YOUR MIND’S A TRAP AND YOU’RE CAUGHT
Lauer: I’m writing for kids, that should be considered
Tell that to Faust, Povenmire, and all that glitters
Lauer: They ARE both awesome and cool
: Unlike you
This film is much less than 20% of the best
(Next two lines sung together)
And in comparison, you will see
Lauer: Maybe I should listen to spongey
Cry Baby Lane isn’t really
Both: A great movie!
Lauer: So glad that I now see
You’re denser than me
Okay, get out before I call the cops
Lauer: you invited me!
Shut up. Bye!
Okay, back to the movie.
“You ever feel stupid?”
With this director, I don’t blame you.
I said go away!
Andy goes to apologize to his brother, who is currently ripping up his homework. Seriously, why get pissed that you can never listen to horrible conjoined twin stories ever again? So Andy says he will make it up to him, and then Carl talks about scaring girls or something and they go to a graveyard to do some stuff.
Later that night, they show up at the graveyard and run into these girls they know. I don’t know what scaring them has to do with the creepy guy, but whatever.
The girls are talking, bad acting and all. We got Kathy, who likes Andy, and these other chicks whose names will show up soon, I hope. Okay, one is Louise.
Turns out, they shall be doing a seance. Oh yes, this will go well. So they head to a grave, and Carl tells the cry baby lane story again, only without Frank Langella, and without him, it sucks.
“His name was muller”
“I don’t know…bill. You ask a lot of questions”
…I may have laughed.
And with a group here, and one telling a story, it hits me.…this just a long, bad episode of “Are you afraid of the dark”. Seriously, bad acting, asshole brother…it fits!
Only that show did have good episodes despite bad acting. This cannot say the same.
He tries to scare them with a tape recording he made, but that fails in a way I can’t even explain. They hear a creepy laugh…and it turns out the tape is not in the recorder.
DUN DUN DUN!
They run like hell out of there. We cut to the creepy guy’s house the next day, with his assistant.
“I had a dream I was in the price is right..’
Please stop with the references….also,guess what my bro was watching while I wrote this.
Anyway, they are at the graveyard, to do some stuff I forget. A dog there starts barking, and it chases after the assistant.
I have no idea why a random dog is such a danger, but okay. Him and Creepy guy drive off to their home. Maybe this will make sense later…I doubt it.
So we cut back to Andy and Carl. Andy is making a …script for his LOTR thing with his friend. More insight on kids from old pete. Carl makes fun of him.
“Men do not make scripts”
The directors motto.
Andy is convinced that they heard a ghost out there, but he is interrupted by the creepy guy arriving. I don’t know how he got his address either.
Creepy guy asks mom to talk to the boys (and he knows her name…). She reacts the way a normal human would: by telling him to fuck off. You see, when a creepy guy tells your kid stories that give them nightmares, you tell them off
“I bet you are upset with me about your mom’s funereal”
…So they know each other? Okay…this should be interesting. Will this be explained? …I can hope, can’t i?
Andy oversees this and is sad he is overly afraid….sorry, but that story he told, is worth being scared over. If that scares you at age 10, then it’s just normal!
He then tells mom it’s her fault for being over-protective…
Why you little brat! Telling you to not visit creepy guys is normal! I mean, this is actually good parenting! Do I need to tell you about how creepy guys are bad?
Well I won’t…I’ll sing it
Should you run into a man
Who is less than nice
You don’t stand at gawk at him
Or feed him fried lice
He works near a graveyard
He works much too hard
Tells stories that scare your kids
He’ll make you flip your lid
Andy had scary dreams
This movie can’t be redeemed
Creepy guys, you should avoid
Especially if his name is Lloyd!
Avoid Creepy guys.
Yes, avoid those creepy guys
Stay away from that creepy guy
That man gives him awful nightmares
This is why you should care
If you think of visiting him, don’t you dare
You should run away
Don’t ever stay
Just go and play
Have a funny day
I hope you are okay
If he knocks on your door
Just hit the floor
Or you won’t live anymoooore
Avoid creepy guys
Avoid creepy guys
Go wear a tie
Just sit and die
Or eat a fly
Go kill bill nye
Just avoid that creepy guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy!
Do you want me to sing again, punk?! Thought so.
Mom snaps at him, showing her awesomeness. Seriously, is she the only one with A BRAIN in this movie?!
So Andy heads out and bumps into his friend, who is years younger, and he randomly suggest Andy date his mom. Wut. Andy decides hanging out with 9 year old is bad, and tells him to stop coming over.
The friend reacts by telling andy he is pathetic. DOES ANYONE ACT LIKE A HUMAN IN THIS MOVIE?!
Back at the house, Mom hears a sound outside (which we see is a gang tearing up a mailbox) and sees if Andy is okay.
DAD: you smother him.
…ifkeifrkgmrigigm ACT HUMAN!
That’s it, I’m singing again, let me show you how a normal human acts!]
Ever since the day you were born’
You sense of reality was not torn
Your parents gave you a set of rules
And some handy tools
They told you how to be normal
Cool, calm and formal
How to behave like a proper man
How not to get a tan
How to join a clan
Okay, maybe not all that
But sit down, and you won’t get fat
I’ll teach how to act
Act like a human!
Act like a human!
Not a poor man
Not a bad clan
Not a hobo named stan
You never let your kids go out at night
You never go looking for fights
You never wear orange tights
Don’t go killing sprites
Don’t even know how you could do that
But I suck at rhymes, don’t yell at me
You eat food with a shiny fork
You never feed a giant stork
Or set fire to new York
You eat soup with a spoon
You don’t sing out of tune
Or read like a goon
Act like a human!
Like act like a human!
Don’t be a dumbass
Or eat a giant flask
You don’t get how to be a parent
You are no clark kent
She was being a decent mom
Just stay freaking calm
These kids could get hurt
Their blood could spurt
All over the floor!
Why am I even talking to you?
Act like a human!
Act like a human!
You should get thrown in prision
Cuz you don’t..
Act like a humaaaaaaaaaaan!
Get that through your skull!
That night, Carl and Andy head out, and Carl reminds him not to think of a plan too much.
“come on ,you’re the man”
“I’m the man!’
YOU ARE A MAN! *PUNCH*
Andy almost gets run over by a train due to him being out at night. For a overprotective mom ,she Is careless about her kid. Seriously, what the hell?
Turns out they are near the graveyard, and the girls show up.
“We’re having fun..”
Then the camera shakes, and Carl sinks into the ground. Worst. Effects. Ever. Back at home, Mom gets worried and checks on andy, and Dad goes “I knew it”. Dude, there is a difference between over protective, and just taking care of your child!
Mom sees they are gone, and freaks out. Dad’s reaction?
“They need to explore, I think it’s healthy”
Fuck you! Your kids run off in the middle of night, and you say it’s FINE?! Even Goosebumps parents are better than you!
“What’s gonna happen?”
Almost getting possessed by ghostly Siamese twins. Just my guess.
“Sure I could search for them, but what kind of message would that send?”
….The message that kids hanging out at night is bad. Asshole. Then he sits back and watches TV. My god, Homer simpson is more fit to take care of kids!
So Andy bumps into Carl, which we know is meant to be since he got dragged into the ground. He leads andy into a creepy empty barn, which I bet will go SO well.
Andy falls in mud, and Carl makes him take his clothes off…. Then the girls show up and pelt him with stuff.
Uh…I have no idea what is going on,.
So Andy runs off, half naked, and comes across a farm house where he sees some pants on the ground. One of the guys near there lights a fire, and laughs evilly with blank white eyes.
Andy runs to the Creepy guys place. The guy says he was waiting for him and takes him…to the basement,.
Not gonna say anything..
He tells creepy guy all about what happened. Creepy guy sets the record straight about the cry baby lane story. When the twins were separated, there was a mistake. The bad son was buried in the grave yard.
“I think you roused an evil spirit”
So…this is all the fault of a mom who let her kids visit a creepy guy, but she went around and fixed that mistake, and the movie looks down on her for that. …Uh…sure why not.
I’m looking too deep into this..
So now an evil spirit is out and it turns people evil, and they must get the good spirit to help them. This is such an epic story, squandered by…well everything.
“why did you tell us the story?!”
“I didn’t want you messing around, believe it or not!”
“but why tell it at all?!”
“You like ghost stories!”
So this is ANDY’S fault for trusting this creepy guy!
So Mom shows up and says she will have creepy guy reported. You go girl! Yeah, at this point Andy has a spirit to stop, but come on, I’m all for a mom being a GOOD parent for once!
So they head home, and things seem fine, and Andy is okay with not going to stop some evil. She makes Carl apologize for being an asshole during the entire movie.
“Mom was right, he was a bad influence”
…Carl acting with logic? Yep, the evil spirit got him.
So after a scene with the creepy guy and some other dude, he bumps into the little black 9 year old kid. Turns out, the evil spirit got him too. He hits Creepy guy with his toy lightsaber….and he trips and falls.
He …got stopped by a little kid with a lightsaber…
Thanks for that, I needed a laugh.
So Andy, freaked out by evil carl, runs back to Creepy guy’s house. He finds the knocked out creepy guy. He wakes him up and Andy tells him exactly how their ghost summoning went.
It turns out there is a weed in Cry baby lane you must cut to summon the good spirit. But creepy guy is acting weird due to being knocked by…a lightsaber. Seriously what an idiot.
The creepy guy’s nephew drives him to Cry baby lane. However, some cops spot them…and nephew drives away, as he has no license. …k.
But then he actually slows down to let the cops get them, but…it bumps into them! Then they run off even faster, leading to a chase scene that will make any cop movie jealous.
A look into their car shows the cops are now evil. Okay, good for them. I like the idea of the entire town being evil due to this spirit, I just wish this movie knew what logic is.
“Do you know where cry baby lane is?”
“YOU ARE AN IDIOT!”
…say that again.
“YOU ARE AN IDIOT!”
That needs to be a meme. Oh my god…
So they crash and get lost…in cry baby lane. That certainly was convenient! Then Andy takes the wheel abs drives the car further into cry baby lane .The 12 year old kid drives a car. That’s awesome.
One chase scene later, the evil girls pop up again.
“We’re bored, we want to play a game’
…I won’t make a dirty joke, I swear.
“Kiss me, Andrew”
…cuz they just made it for me.
.Good question. Also, this movie now has evil spirit girls making a dude kiss them. Wut. So Andy agrees to do it if they leave him alone. Sure, kiss the evil spirit, they’re irish!
She opens her a mouth…and spider on her tongue! …what. Yeah, Andy refuses now. So, it’s ChiChi time!
The way he said that should be a meme too!
So this Becky chick shows up and Andy runs. So ChiChi is just some chick? Or what? Please explain, movie!
So Andy finds that weed, pulls it…and gets sucked into the ground, where he meets a weird voice,. We see the spirit dude, who is a normal guy with the narmiest face in the history of ever. I can’t even screen cap it, it’s so funny.
So Andy is trapped underground with an evil spirit who captured his brother. This should be amazing, but it’s just narmy. The atmosphere is right…but everything else is dumb.
Andy finds the real weed under there, and pulls it, and hears a scream. He wakes up above ground, with the girls. They are now normal and don’t remember a thing..
That was anti climatic.
Andy finds that everyone got freed of their spirits, and everything is now back to normal. Most of the people think it was just a dream., and only Andy seems to know of what really happened.
He talks to Carl.
“If you tell anyone I apologized to you, I will deny it”
But hey, it’s good enough by this movie’s standards
And so thus we cut to him and Becky with the creepy guy, who was telling this whole story to her. So he didn’t learn a lesson about hanging out with creepy guys. WWAIT…what about mom? Did she go crazy over andy? Is she okay with creepy guy now?
So the movie’s final scene features Carl with the little black kid, as they have a little tussle. The (lame) end.
Whew, that was a long hour and ten minutes! Let us move on!
After all this stuff, you may wonder what I think of this movie all together. Well….I shall explain. In song.
Sometimes there are films
That make you want to kill a cat
Much like the cat in the hat
Films so bad they’re just bad
They don’t make you glad
They make you mad
And sometimes sad
Some films are actually good
Decent, funny, or smart
Even if the jokes have a fart
And features tons of art
But from there comes a film
That makes you laugh a lot
Makes you giggle and howl
And takes away all your thought
You snuggle up your honey,
And you cry out
“That wasn’t meant to be funny”
It’s…so bad it’s bad.
Yes, so bad it’s good
You like it, just like anyone would
It’s so bad it’s good
The acting is just hammy
The plot is full of holes
That could carry
70 million pounds of coal!
But for some reason, you enjoy the movie
It’s so awful, you just feel groovy
It was meant to be serious
But they were just delirious
It contains no thought
it’s pretty good…not
it’s just bad it’s good!
You like it, just like anyone would
It’s so bad it’s good!
It’s a glorious piece of cheese
You watch as much as you please
Ed Wood would be glad
Bad movies are so happy to see
You riff on it with glee
MST3K thrives on crap
They follow it like a map
Bad movies are funnier than good
I don’t have a rhyme for good
The ham is up to eleven
The bad level is 7
Or even higher!
A kind of gander creeps into it
All the crap that’s fit to print!
It’s so wonderfully bad
This whole thing, you enjoy
Good plot, it does not employ
You love it every time
Now I must stop trying to rhyme
I love moves like this
I always say this
It’s so bad it’s goooood!
Yeah, so bad it’s good!
Yes, this movie is cheesy it works. It’s fun, in a Troll 2 kind of way. If you can find it, check out. It’s chock full of bad acting,. Lame plot, and horrible parents! It’s bad, but good at the same time. Yes, a lot of it makes no sense, but who cares? I love how bad this movie is,. I hope they air it every year!
And thus ends blog 100! I thank you all for reading this long, and I must thank PlantyThePottedPlanty (twitter friend) for helping with the songs!