100th Blog Special!

Hello, Spongey here

Wow. It seems like only yesterday I had written my 50th blog. I’ve made it through a lot, from tributes to cartoons, to lists of worst children’s horror books. I’ve even done stupid filler posts, like short lists and such!

But no matter how much I deny it, I have done a lot here. This is my

1OOTH BLOG POST!

This includes small stuff like my welcome blog, and such. I put together all my blogger and wordpress posts to get this number. So what will I do for the big 100? Well I wanted to look at a movie I have wanted to review for a while. But that’s not enough. I will do something completely different you see…

This review is A MUSICAL!

Yes, throughout the review I will burst into songs with only lyrics and no music or singing because this is just text.

Why?

No reason.

Is this stupid and pointless?

Yes. Yes it is.

But screw it, I wanted to do a musical review, and my friend wrote songs about this movie for no reason awhile back. So here we go

So how do I explain this one?

THROUGH SONG!

In this city

There is an old man telling tales to kids

He hopes they’ll never truly believe

But these kids will never rest

Until they know the truth

 

In the woods

Is a stoner hiding a tape recorder

To fool his friends one late October eve

But he may soon discover that

His joke is more serious than it seems

 

Cry Baby Lane

Is in my mind, and in my sights

I am not prepared for the possible frights

I may perceive, due to events

 

In the olden days

There is a farmer with two siamese twins

One’s evilness faces the farmer with a choice

He has to saw their body in half

This is quite a laugh

 

Cry Baby Lane

Is in my mind, and in my sights

The evil one is controlling everyone’s mind

So now he has to fight

 

In the city that I mentioned a while back

The stoner has to find a way to save his town before it’s too late

And though he was an ass before these strange events

He has since changed

 

In the cornfield,

The stoner’s faced with quite a predicament

Kiss his possessed friend or face something called Chi-Chi

He notices a spider crawling up her tongue

Eventually, he saves the day, leading us to say

So cliche

 

Cry Baby Lane

Is in my mind, and in my sights

A movie filled with frights

When you’re a child, living

 

In the USA,

A child sees and is traumatized

Leading Nick to ban the movie from the public’s eyes

Cry Baby Lane

Yea, that was awesome, eh? But now I spoiled the plot.

Anyway, so Nick aired this movie in 2000, they took it off the air, and it was lost. Then someone found it, put it online, everyone started talking about, and Teenick saw this, and finally re-aired it in 2011.

Rumor has it Nick got letters from angry soccer mom’s about it being really freaking scary. They should have used the RL Stine method and just made them get eaten.

Yeah, I was interested when I heard about it. I saw it online, then I watched it live.

So let’s see if this thing is scary.

This, is CRY BABY LAAAAAAANE!

 

Yea, still on the singing thing.

So the movie begins with a good ol’ black and white flashback, complete with narrator.

“There was a farmer, whose wife gave birth to twins”

Okay, that’s scary. Especially if it’s  zack and cody.

“Due to a mutation, the infants joined as one flesh”

So we have conjoined twins….In a Nick movie.

Okay, creepy idea. Let’s see if they roll with it. They won’t.

So the one of the twins became evil, and died, so the farmer un-joined the bodies the old fashion way and buried only the good son.

“He buried the son at a field, at the end of an old dirt road, called cry baby lane”

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title!

So yeah, creepy voice, creepy concept..yeah, I’m liking this. Now we cut to present day as our two kid heroes, are being told this story.

The story is being told by this old dude, played by Frank Langella. No, really. The director originally wanted Tom Waits for the role of the caretaker, but Nickelodeon insisted on Frank Langella in hopes that it would garner extra publicity.

Yeah, it didn’t work

So who is this guy, and why is telling these kids about COINJINED TWINS? He’s the owner of…a taxidermy place. Yes.

His name is Bennet. They never explain why these kids know a random old guy,. Or why he tells the story. I think it’s lazy writing.

The boys, Andrew and Carl, ride through the town on their bikes as the credits roll. Yeah, a whole minute of film wasted on this.

Yay.

Later that night, Andrew has a bad dream, which is just images of that old farmhouse, with the dead twin dude laughing evil-y in the background.

You know, when they said this movie was traumatizing to many children, I was expecting something truly frightening… Like a Seltzer and Friedberg movie.

S: Ooh, that gives me a great idea.

F: Oh my god, I’m so psyched to hear this

S: You ready for this bro

]F: I’m ready!

S: …..GooseSnookiBump! It would be a parody of all those old Goosebumps books. WITH JERSEY SHORE, SKINS, AND DEGRASSI CHARACTERS MIXED IN!

F: Aw, I thought we could mix in internet memes as well, and have Derpy Hooves accidentally strike

S:~ IDEEEEEA! The Slapuation, an ordinary dummy, with lightning, which makes him sentient…

Both: AND A EVIL MASTERMIND DUMMY/TERRIBLE TEEN STEREOTYPE

F: I love you so much, Aaron

S: ……Vice versa, Jason. Vice versa.

 

………Are you two done? I have a review to do, y’know. Anyways. What we get is something much…. tamer, I guess. Here, let me explain this in song:

When children are young, I guess their minds

Exaggerate their sights

Filling their mind up to the brim with irrational type frights

So, when they saw this movie

Their perceptions went to town

And what they remember seeing, is much worse than what was laid down

 

There’s this farmer who kills his only sons

One comes back to life

Making everyone zombies

And creating the stoner’s strife

 

Soooooooooooo

He’ll kill all of the zombies

Kill the farmer’s son

Send the devil back to Hell

And get the girl as well

He better do it soon enough

Or life there on will be rough

 

(At least, as I said before, this is what they think they saw. As we know now, that description is horribly inaccurate, yet despite the true film not being too terrible, would still probably make a better movie than what we have)

 

NooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowNooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

 

Yep, I spoiled the plot again.Blame the guy I hired to write the songs cuz I’m lazy.

Anyway, point is, the movie is not scary from an adult point of vow. But this is a kids movie, and kids are easily scared. So let’s move on.

 

So much like the kids watching this movie, he gets scared from un-scary things, and tells his mom about it. She finds out that old dude told him a story, and says Andy can’t talk to him cuz he  is a bad influence

You know, cuz he tells stories about conjoined twins. Smart mom.

The next day Carl tortures Andrew, cuz he’s pissed they can’t go to Frank’s anymore due to Andy’s nightmares.

Yes, how dare she ban you from the creepy guy who owns a taxidermy place and tells you stories about evil conjoined twins!

Carl’s acting is really odd. He seems to talk in this weird voice, like if an alien tried to talk perfect English. It sounds right, but it also doesn’t. it’s hard to explain

Also, he’s an ass for no real reason. So we cut to Andrew and his black friend playing lord of the rings.

No, really. They’re dressed up in some stupid outfits, talking about hobbits  and shit.

It’s lord of the rings. This movie came out one year before the first LOTR movie, so only the books were there.And the animated ones, but no kid knew of those.

So these ten year old kids read really long fantasy epic novels? I call bullshit.
t.

So the andy kid is sad cuz he wants more.Yeah, he’s a Disney princess I guess.

“Who peed in your cornflakes?”

…….Hm. It seems that I, a 16 year old male from Texas know less about kids then the director, Peter Lauer did. Luckily, we have a satellite uplink with him right now. Peter! Peter Lauer, are you there?

Lauer: Yes. Yes I am. I see you’re reviewing Cry Baby Lane.

Correct you are.

Lauer: Have you picked up on the subtle nuances of innuendo strewn about the film?

………No I have not. But anyways, it seems as though you know more about kids than anyone else. Care to explain some of your unique knowledge with us?

Lauer: Can I do it in song?

 

Go ahead.

Lauer: Well…….Spongey  my friend, I can not express my delight

It’s extremely well-put, that me stepping my foot, will make everything clear and alright

Yeah, this looks to be quite a thrill ride

But please just stick to the subject I said

It’s of utmost importance that the info you give is versically, intelligently said

Lauer: Kids. Verse. Smart. Got it.

I have so many hardcutting insights, just wait and you’ll see

: Can we cut through the treacle?

Our younger readers are getting antsy

Lauer: Well, kids hang out with old folks

Even if they’re creepy, untrusted, and mysterious as can be

 

Creepy? Mysterious? I wouldn’t say that. His stories were, but he wasn’t.

Lauer: Spongey,, hang on. See, now, that was only my first fact

Sooner or later, we’ll get nearly on-track

Just wait, my boy, it’ll all be apparent soon!

Oh god, he’s a rambler. Make him stop.

Lauer: Okay, how ’bout this. 8 year-olds read Tolkien novels and play games based on them. Keep in mind, this is a year before Jackson’s adaptions are released, so I can’t use that as an excuse. And the Bakshi adaptions weren’t that well-known to kids then. So reading the books is the only way they’ll know the story.

…Yeah, no. kids do not read long books…or at all.

Lauer: I have so many hardhitting tidbits, you’re going to see

Worms and strange scenes, who knows what I mean?

And that is related, why?

Lauer: Well, it really isn’t. I was just stating my confusion at some aspects of the film

 

YOU’RE THE DIRECTOR! I’m about ready to end this if you don’t~

Lauer: Don’t think about leaving, I’ll say something worthwhile

Did you know I wanted Andrew to be a crocodile?

You really have no idea what you’re doing here, do you?

Lauer: ………Not really, no

 

: Of course, I just knew it

Your title is just a hoax, it’s full of shit

 

Lauer: Now, hold on

I make some awesome movies

Timeless and classic too

 

: For being drunk, yes you do

A HOAX!

THAT’S IT!

THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY

TO DETER MY CURRENT TRAIN OF THOUGHT

NO TALENT,

NO MINDSET,

ABILITY, AND SUCH

YOUR MIND’S A TRAP AND YOU’RE CAUGHT

Lauer: I’m writing for kids, that should be considered

 

Tell that to Faust, Povenmire, and all that glitters

Lauer: They ARE both awesome and cool

: Unlike you

This film is much less than 20% of the best

(Next two lines sung together)

And in comparison, you will see

Lauer: Maybe I should listen to spongey

Cry Baby Lane isn’t really

Both: A great movie!

Lauer: So glad that I now see

You’re denser than me

Okay, get out before I call the cops

Lauer: you invited me!

Shut up. Bye!

Okay, back to the movie.

“You ever feel stupid?”

With this director, I don’t blame you.

Lauer: hey!

I said go away!

Andy goes to apologize to his brother, who is currently ripping up his homework. Seriously, why get pissed that you can never listen to horrible conjoined twin stories ever again? So Andy says he will make it up to him, and then Carl talks about scaring girls or something and they go to a graveyard to do some stuff.

Later that night, they show up at the graveyard and run into these girls they know. I don’t  know what scaring them has to do with the creepy guy, but whatever.

The girls are talking, bad acting and all. We got Kathy, who likes Andy, and these other chicks whose names will show up soon, I hope. Okay, one is Louise.

Turns out, they shall be doing a seance. Oh yes, this will go well. So they head to a grave, and Carl tells the cry baby lane story again, only without Frank Langella, and without him, it sucks.

“His name was muller”

“:First name?”

“I don’t know…bill. You ask a lot of questions”

…I may have laughed.

And with a group here, and one telling a story, it hits me.…this just a long, bad episode of “Are you afraid of the dark”. Seriously, bad acting, asshole brother…it fits!

Only that show did have good episodes despite bad acting. This cannot say the same.

He tries to scare them with a tape recording he made, but that fails in a way I can’t even explain. They hear a creepy laugh…and it turns out the tape is not in the recorder.

DUN DUN DUN!

They run like hell out of there. We cut to the creepy guy’s house the next day, with his assistant.

“I had a dream I was in the price is right..’

Please stop with the references….also,guess what my bro was watching while I wrote this.

Creepy.

Anyway, they are at the graveyard, to do some stuff I forget. A dog there starts barking, and it chases after the assistant.

I have no idea why a random dog is such a danger, but okay. Him and Creepy guy drive off to their home. Maybe this will make sense later…I doubt it.

So we cut back to Andy and Carl. Andy is making a …script for his LOTR thing with his friend. More insight on kids from old pete. Carl makes fun of him.

“Men do not make scripts”

The directors motto.

Andy is convinced that they heard a ghost out there, but he is interrupted by the creepy guy arriving. I don’t know how he got his address either.

Creepy guy asks mom to talk to the boys (and he knows her name…). She reacts the way a normal human would: by telling him to fuck off. You see, when a creepy guy tells your kid stories that give them nightmares, you tell them off

“I bet you are upset with me about your mom’s funereal”

…So they know each other? Okay…this should be interesting. Will this be explained? …I can hope, can’t i?

Andy oversees this and is sad he is overly afraid….sorry, but that story he told, is worth being scared over. If that scares you at age 10, then it’s just normal!

He then tells mom it’s her fault for being over-protective…

Why you little brat! Telling you to not visit creepy guys is normal! I mean, this is actually good parenting! Do I need to tell you about how creepy guys are bad?

Well I won’t…I’ll sing it

Should you run into a man

Who is less than nice

You don’t stand at gawk at him

Or feed him fried lice

 

He works near a graveyard

He works much too hard

Tells stories that scare your kids

He’ll make you flip your lid

 

Andy had scary dreams

This movie can’t be redeemed

Creepy guys, you should avoid

Especially if his name is Lloyd!

 

Avoid Creepy guys.

 

Yes, avoid those creepy guys

 

Stay away from that creepy guy

 

That man gives him awful nightmares

This is why you should care

If you think of visiting him, don’t you dare

 

You should run away

Don’t ever stay

Just go and play

Have a funny day

I hope you are okay

 

If he knocks on your door

Just hit the floor

Or you won’t live anymoooore

 

Avoid creepy guys

 

Avoid creepy guys

Go wear a tie

Just sit and die

Or eat a fly

Go kill bill nye

 

Just avoid that creepy guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy!

 

Do you want me to sing again, punk?! Thought so.

Mom snaps at him, showing her awesomeness. Seriously, is she the only one with A BRAIN in this movie?!

So Andy heads out and bumps into his friend, who is years younger, and he randomly suggest Andy date his mom. Wut. Andy decides hanging out with 9 year old is bad, and tells him to stop coming over.

The friend reacts by telling andy he is pathetic. DOES ANYONE ACT LIKE A HUMAN IN THIS MOVIE?!

Back at the house, Mom hears a sound outside (which we see is a gang tearing up a mailbox) and sees if Andy is okay.

DAD: you smother him.

…ifkeifrkgmrigigm ACT HUMAN!

That’s it, I’m singing again, let me show you how a normal human acts!]

Ever since the day you were born’

You sense of reality was not torn

Your parents gave you a set of rules

And some handy tools

 

They told you how to be normal

Cool, calm and formal

How to behave like a proper man

How not to get a tan

How to join a clan

 

Okay, maybe not all that

But sit down, and you won’t get fat

I’ll teach how to act

 

Act like a human!

Act like a human!

 

Not a poor man

 

Not a bad clan

Not a hobo named stan

You never let your kids go out at night

You never go looking for fights

You never wear orange tights

Don’t go killing sprites

 

Don’t even know how you could do that

But I suck at rhymes, don’t yell at me

 

You eat food with a shiny fork

You never feed a giant stork

Or set fire to new York

 

You eat soup with a spoon

You don’t sing out of tune

Or read like a goon

 

Act like a human!

Like act like a human!

Don’t be a dumbass

Or eat a giant flask

 

You don’t get how to be a parent

You are no clark kent

She was being a decent mom

Just stay freaking calm

These kids could get hurt

Their blood could spurt

All over the floor!

 

Why am I even talking to you?

 

Act like a human!

Act like a human!

 

You should get thrown in prision

Cuz you don’t..

 

Act like a humaaaaaaaaaaan!

 

Get that through your skull!

That night, Carl and Andy head out, and Carl reminds him not to think of a plan too much.

“come on ,you’re the man”

“I’m the man!’

YOU ARE A MAN! *PUNCH*

Andy almost gets run over by a train due to him being out at night. For a overprotective  mom ,she Is careless about her kid. Seriously, what the hell?

Turns out they are near the graveyard, and the girls show up.

“We’re having fun..”

..Dirty thoughts.

Then the camera shakes, and Carl sinks into the ground. Worst. Effects. Ever. Back at home, Mom gets worried and checks on andy, and Dad goes “I knew it”. Dude, there is a difference between over protective, and just taking care of your child!

Mom sees they are gone, and freaks out. Dad’s reaction?

“They need to explore, I think it’s healthy”
..

Fuck you! Your kids run off in the middle of night, and you say it’s FINE?! Even Goosebumps parents are better than you!

“What’s gonna happen?”

Almost getting possessed  by ghostly Siamese twins. Just my guess.

“Sure  I could search for them, but what kind of message would that send?”

….The message that kids hanging out at night is bad. Asshole. Then he sits back and watches TV. My god, Homer simpson is more fit to take care of kids!

So Andy bumps into Carl, which we know is meant to be since he got dragged into the ground. He leads andy into a creepy empty barn, which I bet will go SO well.

Andy falls in mud, and Carl makes him take his clothes off…. Then the girls show up and pelt him with stuff.

Uh…I have no idea what is going on,.

So Andy runs off, half naked, and comes across a farm house where he sees some pants on the ground. One of the guys near there lights a fire, and laughs evilly with blank white eyes.

What.

Andy runs to the Creepy guys place. The guy says he was waiting for him and takes him…to the basement,.

Not gonna say anything..

He tells creepy guy all about what happened. Creepy guy sets the record straight about the cry baby lane story. When the twins were separated, there was a mistake. The bad son was buried in the grave yard.

“I think you roused an evil spirit”

So…this is all the fault of a mom who let her kids visit  a creepy guy, but she went around and fixed that mistake, and the movie looks down on her for that. …Uh…sure why not.

I’m looking too deep into this..

So now an evil spirit is out and it turns people evil, and they must get the good spirit to help them. This is such an epic story, squandered by…well everything.

“why did you tell us the story?!”

Yeah!

“I didn’t want you messing around, believe it or not!”

“but why tell it at all?!”

“You like ghost stories!”

So this is ANDY’S fault for trusting this creepy guy!

So Mom shows up and says she will have creepy guy reported. You go girl! Yeah, at this point Andy has a spirit to stop, but come on, I’m all for a mom being a GOOD parent for once!

So they head home, and things seem fine, and Andy is okay with not going to stop some evil. She makes Carl apologize for being an asshole during the entire movie.

“Mom was right, he was a bad influence”

…Carl acting with logic? Yep, the evil spirit got him.

So after a scene with the creepy guy and some other dude, he bumps into the little black 9 year old kid. Turns out, the evil spirit got him too. He hits Creepy guy with his toy lightsaber….and he trips and falls.

He …got stopped by a little kid with a lightsaber…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thanks for that, I needed a laugh.

So Andy, freaked out by evil carl, runs back to Creepy guy’s house. He finds the knocked out creepy guy. He wakes him up and Andy tells him exactly how their ghost summoning went.

It turns out there is a weed in Cry baby lane you must cut to summon the good spirit. But creepy guy is acting weird  due to being knocked by…a lightsaber. Seriously what an idiot.

The creepy guy’s  nephew drives him to Cry baby lane. However, some cops spot them…and nephew drives away, as he has no license. …k.

But then he actually slows down to let the cops get them, but…it bumps into them! Then they run off even faster, leading to a chase scene that will make any cop movie jealous.

A look into their car shows the cops are now evil. Okay, good for them. I like the idea of the entire town being evil due to this spirit, I just wish this movie knew what logic is.

“Do you know where cry baby lane is?”

“…no”

“YOU ARE AN IDIOT!”

…say that again.

“YOU ARE AN IDIOT!”

That needs to be a meme. Oh my god…

So they crash and get lost…in cry baby lane. That certainly was convenient! Then Andy takes the wheel abs drives the car further into cry baby lane .The 12 year old kid drives a car. That’s awesome.

One chase scene later, the evil girls pop up again.

“We’re bored, we want to play a game’

…I won’t make a dirty joke, I swear.

“Kiss me, Andrew”

…cuz they just made it for me.

“Kiss…or ChiChi”

“what’s chichi?’

.Good question. Also, this movie now has evil spirit girls making a dude kiss them. Wut. So Andy agrees to do it if they leave him alone. Sure, kiss the evil spirit, they’re irish!

She opens her a mouth…and spider on her tongue! …what. Yeah, Andy refuses now. So, it’s ChiChi time!

“WHAT’S CHICHI!?”

The way he said that should be a meme too!

So this Becky chick shows up and Andy runs. So ChiChi is just some chick? Or what? Please explain, movie!

So Andy finds that weed, pulls it…and gets sucked into the ground, where he meets a weird voice,. We see the spirit dude, who is a normal guy with the narmiest face in the history of ever. I can’t even screen cap it, it’s so funny.

So Andy is trapped underground with an evil spirit who captured his brother. This should be amazing, but it’s just narmy. The atmosphere is right…but everything else is dumb.

Andy finds the real weed under there, and pulls it, and hears a scream. He wakes up above ground, with the girls. They are now normal and don’t remember a thing..

That was anti climatic.

Andy finds that everyone got freed of their spirits, and everything is now back to normal. Most of the people think it was just a dream., and only Andy seems to know of what really happened.

He talks to Carl.

“If you tell anyone I apologized to you, I will deny it”

…dick.

But hey, it’s good enough by this movie’s standards

And so thus we cut to him and Becky with the creepy guy, who was telling this whole story to her. So he didn’t learn a lesson about hanging out with creepy guys. WWAIT…what about mom? Did she go crazy over andy? Is she okay with creepy guy now?

EXPLAIN!

So the movie’s final scene features Carl with the little black kid, as they have a little tussle. The (lame) end.

Whew, that was a long hour and ten minutes! Let us move on!

Final Thoughts

 

After all this stuff, you may wonder what I think of this movie all together. Well….I shall explain. In song.

Sometimes there are films

That make you want to kill a cat

Much like the cat in the hat

Films so bad they’re just bad

They don’t make you glad

They make you mad

And sometimes sad

 

Some films are actually good

Decent, funny, or smart

Even if the jokes have a fart

And features tons of art

 

But from there comes a film

That makes you laugh a lot

Makes you giggle and howl

And takes away all your thought

 

You snuggle up your honey,

And you cry out

“That wasn’t meant to be funny”

It’s…so bad it’s bad.

Yes, so bad it’s good

 

You like it, just like anyone would

It’s so bad it’s good

 

The acting is just hammy

The plot is full of holes

That could carry

70 million pounds of coal!

 

But for some reason, you enjoy the movie

It’s so awful, you just feel groovy

It was meant to be serious

But they were just delirious

It contains no thought

it’s pretty good…not

it’s just bad it’s good!

 

You like it, just like anyone would

 

It’s so bad it’s good!

 

It’s a glorious piece of cheese

You watch as much as you please

Ed Wood would be glad

Bad movies are so happy to see

You riff on it with glee

MST3K thrives on crap

They follow it like a map

 

Bad movies are funnier than good

I don’t have a rhyme for good

 

The ham is up to eleven

The bad level is 7

Or even higher!

 

A kind of gander creeps into it

All the crap that’s fit to print!

It’s so wonderfully bad

 

This whole thing, you enjoy

Good plot, it does not employ

 

You love it every time

Now I must stop trying to rhyme

I love moves like this

 

I always say this

 

It’s so bad it’s goooood!

Yeah, so bad it’s good!

 

 

 

 

Yes, this movie is cheesy it works. It’s fun, in a Troll 2 kind of way. If you can find it, check out. It’s chock full of bad acting,. Lame plot, and horrible parents! It’s bad, but good at the same time. Yes, a lot of it makes no sense, but who cares? I love how bad this movie is,. I hope they air it every year!

And thus ends blog 100! I thank you all for reading this long, and I must thank PlantyThePottedPlanty (twitter friend)  for helping with the songs!

See ya.

Advertisements

About Spongey444

I'm 20 and I'm a slightly below average man who can barely spell. I mostly spend my time watching TV and movies, hence why i ended doing a blog all about those things. I tend to have weird tastes, but I like think I'm just fair on things.
This entry was posted in Play by Play Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s