Hello, Spongey here
For So Bad it’s horrible month, I wanted to do a big finale. But every movie I tried, I couldn’t find. And when I finally found one, I got busy and couldn’t finish the review.
I even had the title card drawn, but sadly they went to waste. Here they are
Yeah, I was gonna review that. But now I won’t SBIH month went alright, but It could have gone better.
So to make up for it, I present a review of a movie I think is horrible, but has yet to reach that page.
This, is Hoodwinked Too: Hood Vs Evil
Hoodwinked was a funny, clever fairy tale spoof that is the best of the shrek rip offs. I didn’t mind the animation too much and it was a good funny film.
Then they made a sequel. It was in distribution hell for a few years. And it finally came out in 2011. You think all that time means it would be perfect, right?
Nope. Let’s begin.
So what’s the first thing that pops up after the logos? The cast list.
Seriously. They must really be banking on celebrities if that’s the first thing you see.
We really start with a story book recap of the first one. I’ll skip it since you can look up the plot of the first one.
They do tell us that Flipper (the cop from the first one) runs the HEA (Happily ever after), a organization that brings happy endings and stuff. Also, Red went on a leave to some…place that spoofs ancient china cuz…I don’t know.
So we cut to present day, As Granny (Glen close), and Wolf (Patrick warburton) are checking out the case of two kids being held in a gingerbread house. Wolf and Twitchy decide with Red gone, they can do their own thing instead of following a plan. This does not please the HEA guys.
“the fan is about to be hit with a doodie’
Wait…so we have a kid’s movie about spies that sucks. Why are there so many of these?! Spy kids 4, Agent Cody Banks 2. Why do crappy kids movies like spies?
Point it, why with the spies? Can’t you do spies in a good manner? This really happens with movie that are sequels to non spy movies. stop it!
Wolf dons a disguise and rings the witch’s door, while Twichy sneaks in to recuse Hansel and Gretel (the latter is voiced by Anna farris)
That causes commotion and Granny steps in with the HEA guys
“Come on, do you wanna live forever?”
Kid’s movie with bad reference? This is every bad kid’s CGI movie put into one!
Sadly the witch (Joan cuasak) gets away with the kids. But HEA is hot on their tail! However, during the chase, Granny ends up accidentally being caught by the witch,
And during this chase, another issue pops up…the animation. in the first movie, I thought there was a certain charm to it. It’s hard to sum up in a pic, but I assure you, the CG Is BAD! There’s no flow, the backgrounds are flat, and the characters move so awkwardly.
Oh, and remember the old goat from the first one? Yeah he shows up…for a lame joke where Wolf bumps into him and he falls off a cliff which is a gag that lasts a bit too long.
Where’s the funny clever-ness that was in the first one? Bah
So granny is gone, and wolf is bummed.
“Sadly, Red Is far away. Far far far…far…far..far…away”
“Okay we get it!”
“Okay, I’m just saying it’s quite a ways”
Eeven the movie knows it’s lame.
So Red Is off…somewhere, where she is on a bridge and runs into a giant…who is flaming gay
IT’S FUNNY CUZ GAY PEOPLE ARE FUNNY.
In a short, lame scene, she beats up the giant, who makes stupid one liners, and she crosses the bridge.
So she makes it to some place, where there’s some monk looking chicks who do cooking based fighting moves…okay.
The leader tells Red she cannot join “the sisterhood” cuz of some crap I don’t feel like explaining
What is this sisterhood? Why does Red wanna join?
I guess it’s some ancient clan, that features a lot of cooking, and the granny was in it. But they never tell us ANYTHING about it!
So they have some ancient truffle that granny knows.
“The power of it so great, it must be kept from those who may misuse it…like those wannabees at the food network”
“Rachael ray is the devil!”
So the truffle can make anyone unstoppable, and they show off it’s holding box to red, only to find out it’s been stolen.
So the witch kidnapped granny to get a MCguffin she needs, and red must buck up, stop the witch and help wolf learn a lesson.
Can this get anymore cliché?
So the leader sends Red on her EPIC QUEST TO GET THE TRUFFLE RECIPE-
Did I really just say that?
So we join Granny as the witch has tied her up
“Have we met before? Was it the 60’s? the 60’s are kind of a blur”
The witch not so subtle-y asks her to make the truffle. She says no, and we find out the witch actually has the recipe, minus the secret ingredient. Let’s take a look…
…really? Stop trying to be funny IT’S NOT WORKING
…okay, I did chuckle at seeing that BUT THE POINT STILL STANDS
So the witch says either granny makes the truffle, or hanslel/Gretel perish. On that note, we cut back to the HEA, where Red has arrived. Pretty quickly, I may add.
So they have a hunch about the truffle thing, as they see that the ingredients to it have been stolen, and of course they don’t link this to the evil witch who has kidnapped granny. Derp.
The henchmen stealing the ingredients are said to work under an evil guy..
“He’s a smuggler, a juggler,…and blogs about animated films”
“that guy should get a life”
OH MY GOD THEY’RE ONTO ME!
Anyway, where was i? oh yea. So Red and Wolf are told to team up to check out some nightclub where that big dude hangs out. Yes, two different people must do the buddy cop thing. Seriously, the first one was everything this isn’t: funny, original, charming..
What the hell happened?
So they head to the big city, where we get to see some amazing backgrounds like,….grey buildings…typical cars…and like two people.
Great animation, guys. Seriously, I’ve seen PS1 games better than this!
They head to the nightclub, to meet one of granny’s informants, Jimmy ten strings…who is literally a singing harp….sure why not
Of course they get caught by some guards, and get taken to the giant. He has a name, but I’ll call him THE AMAZING TALKING GOODFELLAS JOKE
Did I say amazing? I mean stupid.
“good one boss!”
“…did you laugh at me? Do I amuse you? Am I some sort of clown?”
COME ON THAT ONE DIDN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE! He clearly laughed at a joke he made! There’s more to making references than…just saying the line. Dumbass!
Anyway, wolf comes in with a disguise
“who the mothergoose is this supposed to be?”
He says some stupid lines that go on until it’s not funny…and even further than that. The giant shows off his acting skills by LAUGHING at something in this movie, thus saving their asses.
Wait, I just noticed. In the first one, the wolf seemed to be pretty clever, using many good disguise. Now…he’s much more of an idiot and only wears one (bad) disguise.
Flanderization, thy name is shit.
“I don’t like most little people”
…I’m not touching that one.
While he’s talking, twitchy goes on to kidnap the harp, which the giant eventually notices. This leads to a ‘meh” chase scene on the big building. Oh, and you know how the giant was so big his thumb was the size of red?
Now he’s only about twice her entire size.
Consistency? What’s that?!
So during the scene, the harp says that all he knows is that the bunny calls in the orders or something. oh, if this is the bunny I think is, the movie could get good! ….hey, a man can dream!
In a very awful video game like fashion, the giant is knocked off…and lands on the singing ram again. You really want to destroy everything good from Hoodwinked one, don’t you?
“I think I’m in a dark tunnel..”
…he just pretty much said he’s in a giant’s asshole.
Fuck you, movie.
So they head to the looney bin where Boingo is now being held. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what they turned him into!
…he is now a silence of the lambs joke. Well….at least he has other things to do right? Let’;s see…
He tells them he knows nothing, but twichy sees he has a book
“hey, no one reads! Movies are always better, especially sequels”
So they learn the witch was literally just there as a cleaning lady, and they chase after her…and we never see Boingo again…
He was just here…for a lame reference.
…that doesn’t even deserve a mental breakdown. I’ll just shake my head In shame.
If you know your cliché kid’s movies, then you can guess that red and wolf argue about how the other is dragging them down. Yep, Hoodwinked, the smart, clever fairy tale spoof, is now a lame buddy cop movie that happens to have fairy tale characters. Wow, sequelitis doesn’t begin to describe this.
This scene fails to be sad, due to how quick it is and how little fucks the actors and writers give. I’m very underwhelmed, to say the least. So anyway, what’s granny up to?
Oh, she’s distracting the witch by sending her on a wild goose chase so she can do the cliché spy thing. Should have suspected as much from this crap,
After going through the lasers I guess, she reaches hansel and Gretel. Oh yeah, they’re in this movie. Well I guess we’re almost done…
Wait…what’s going on?
“we’re not even kidnapped! We’re the kidnappers!”
…they’re the bad guys.
“you’ve been hoodwinked…TOO!”
That was either really funny or really dumb…I say dumb. So yea…they’re evil. I guess. Why? No idea, hell, even the witch will soon have a motivation in a minute. These guys? Only there because the writers think making these guys evil is funny enough.
This is the laziest movie ever.
Oh, they say they had a poor dad and never had any sweets…yeah I don’t buy it. It’s still lame.’
So they leave and we find out the witch is really an old friend of grannies! WHAT A….sigh, I can’t say it. It’s too cliché for me to even pretend I’m shocked. Let me put it in cliché terms: she was in the sisterhood (still never explained) and was always 2nd to granny, and could never make the truffle.
Oh, and she had the Recipe, minus ingredient for 60 years…and they never noticed she took it.
“”I’m tired of being Number Two! I feel like a big. Steaming. Pile of Number Two!”
Just like this movie!
So now we’re with Red. Earlier, she found a thingy labeled “DCT” that the witch dropped. She tries to find it , but not even a bad pop song can help her out now. Oh, and she bumps into a stupid mouse, voiced by Phill Lemarr. He’s about as funny as the rest of the characters. Actually, maybe even less.
He’s only here to inform Red the DCT=Dark Castle towers, where the witch is. Yay for pointless comic reliefs that provided neither comedy nor relief!
Hansel and Gretel, however, have tapped into the HEA phone lines, so they are able to shut off Red’s only help. Oh, and they make some pigs crash into the HEA as well. On top of that, we join Wolf as he is all depressed, making un-funny jokes, when some pigs arrive…with gun-launcher looking things.
“we’re here to huff, puff, and blow your house up!”
…pigs blowing stuff up. This could have been amazing…If I cared about the character, the story was interesting, and the jokes were funny…but nope. Also, the pigs are voiced by Cheech and chong…wut.
One lame scene Micheal bay would love later, wolf arrives at HEA, only to see it’s been destroyed. On top of that, red has been captured in a failed raid on the castle. So now the wolf must save the day.
…Ya know, if you told me the wolf would be the hero in this, before I saw it, I would be very happy. He was my favorite character In the first one. But the way they did it here…so cliché. Every characters plays the typical buddy cop role, nothing more complex than that.
There is the movie’s biggest flaw. It’s not a proper hoodwinked sequel. It’s a cliché, been done story, with hoodwinked characters. Hell, it’s more of a bad fanfic than a real thing!
So yea, before you can say fuck this”, wolf quickly gets Red away from the bad guys, which does not please the evil kids, who have had no progress squeezing the secret ingredient from granny. Oh, and they do the whole Austin powers evil laugh joke which stopped being funny ages ago. Lame!
Anyway, so red and wolf need some muscle to help get into the castle. So it’s finally to tim to see kirk, from the first one! Now he’s a big star…and a huge walking gay joke..
WILL THIS MOVIE RUIN ALL I HOLD DEAR?!
So they ask kirk for help, and he tells him his yodeling buddies are highly trained mercenaries…just roll with it. And yes, all this happens way too quickly for anyone to give even the slightest fuck.
So they all break into the castle, and have a lame battle scene…with a german version of that kung fu fighting song playing in the background…uh…Derpadoo? Anyway…they beat up the main hench…pigs, and kirk…leaves the movie as red and the gang sneak upstairs.
Way to take another funny character and make him into a walking plot device/gay joke! Bad movie, bad!
They make it to the two kids, not knowing they are evil. Wolf takes them alone, while Red stays put.. yeah, we all know where this is going. They take out wolf, and yada yada. Geez, Rebound was more original than this!
…that movie had Patrick warburton too…COINCIDENCE?! …yeah.
So red walks into the witches kitchen, and sees some goopy stuff, and voices show up to remind us of earlier when that black chick said “when you are a true sister, you will know the recipe”. Yeah, whatever voices…
“Luke, trust the force!”
“oh sorry, wrong hero quest”
Go molest a rectangle.
“oh, it’s macademia nuts!”
…cool story bro.
Yeah, Hansel, Gretel, and witch show up revealing themselves to Red. They heard her, and now they know the secret thingy…how red got nuts from weird goopy stuff, I have no idea. Like I said, the whole secret hood thing is never explained.
Oh, another huge flaw! They use clichés, just to use them! Sisterhood, secret spy quest, and all that stuff. They use them, but they’re all under developed! They think just using these ideas are good enough. No! you need to put REASONS for them! Give your clichés WEIGHT! Even rebound remembered to do that!
…rant over. Sorry.
So yep, they make the truffle, and red is all sad. I still don’t care, movie. Don’t even try. Clearly you never tried. Red has that “oh I should not have focused on living up to granny” speech, and really, they go through it as quickly as they came up with it. Sigh…
So now they plan to make truffles, sell them to evil guys and become rich. Yeah, but then every villain will be unstoppable, and thus can stand up to YOU, and then you can be stopped by any villain who wants truffles to themselves.
“giant super powered german kids…did not see that coming”
Well, I’ll give you that, Red. It is sort of original. Unlike the rest of the movie.
Okay, so what do the villains do next? Tell the witch she has outlived her useful ness. In other news, the sun will set today. Also, this movie sucks.
So they set a giant spider after them…sure, and it is a menace…for about a minute then…
“Do I hear yodeling?”
Oh hey, they weren’t useless after all! …they’re still dumb plot devices but whatever. Oh, and this all happens really quick and you never get time to think about this. I don’t care, it makes the movie end faster
So the yodeling plot devices kick the spiders ass. Oh, and the witch gets in danger, simply so granny can save her and give the dreaded heartwarming “she isn’t so bad” speech that makes me want to fuck a wrench.
Yeah, you can do that. Shut up.
“You were never number 2 to me”
Unlike this movie, which is a huge number 2.
After Red blames herself and ANOTHER forced sad moment happens, they go off to kick kid ass. Oh, and wolf escaped from the kids in a scene I skipped because it was stupid and not worth talking about.
Now we have the kids rampage through the badly animated city.
“They have done nothing to do deserve our hatred”
“ it makes our violence much more senseless!”
Lampshade hanging doesn’t make you automatically clever and witty. Fuck you.
Red comes in and tries fighting them, but she gets her red ass handed to her. The others show up…and they follow suit. During the big fight, they crash inside a tram and the big kids throw it, and it lands on top of the pointy part of the big tower.
Why do tower castle thingy’s always have a pointy top? Sort of pointless…
We of course get the obvious jokes with twitchy making it lean too much and during all this, red and wolf apologize for their earlier argument. Yeah, it’s forced and dumb, and completes the buddy cop cliché. Seriously, I’,m running out of ways to say this is forced, dumb, and poorly written!
They fall off and die, the end! …
Okay, they don’t. they get saved by…the web of that spider, which the witch turned good. Uh…sure, why not. It’s dumb, but it gets the movie over faster!
Oh, and remember that running gag with the singing ram, aka the funniest side character from hoodwinked one? Yeah, it comes back, and dumber than ever! He runs into the two giant kids, and…breaks his banjo…then sings opera.
….i…don’t get it!
Yeah, he doesn’t get hurt by them, but falls down a manhole after cheering about that. Lame! Way to ruin another good character, you assholes,.
So red stands up against the kids, and the others help fight her and they actual do some okay damage this time. Oh, and then wolf lets slip that if they eat more truffle, they will get even more powerful
“don’t worry, all part of the plan”
Oh gee, where could this be going?
Yep, they eat more and become so big they turn into fat little beach balls that can’t move. Lame. But hey, they’re defeated, which means we’re almost done!
“a lesser wolf would say they got their just desserts”
You’re in a lesser movie, so it’s okay, dude.
So they celebrate, and they’re all happy. Oh, and in cliché spy/cop fashion, they get another call for a new case, and head off to start their new lives!
Oh, and of course the film ends with them driving off in their car thing and…running right into the ram guy!
Oh, that’s so funny! So clever, so…
And the very first thing they play in the credits? Rap song…whose first lyrics are “You got hoodwinked”
I sure as hell did! I got hoodwinked out of a good movie! Ugh, let’s wrap this up.
I think I’ve made my thoughts pretty darn clear in the above review, several times.
The first hoodwinked, as I said, was funny, well written, and clever. It was the best fairy tale spoof to show up in the wake of shrek.
But Hoodwinked too? It SUCKS
It’s everything you think a bad sequel could be. Bad jokes? Check. Pop culture humor? Check. Lazy and horribly cliché plot line? Check.
The story and characters are so cliché they bring the whole movie down. It does not belong in a hoodwinked sequel. It’s just lazy as hell. Oh, and the jokes aren’t funny.
They are lazy, the rely on pop culture humor, and running gags that are not funny the first time! I simply cannot believe this crap was put in THEATERS with actual TALENT behind it! It looks more like a crappy Direct to DVD thing! Hell, most of those are better than this!
Oh yeah, I fucking went there.
Hoodwinked too is everything a bad fairy tale “spoof” is these days. It’s exactly what the first one WASN;T it disgraces the first one, and completely shits on it. Thankfully, it bombed at the box office, AND on DVD so it’s likely we won’t see a Hoodwinked Three. Hmm…could this be illegible for the so bad it’s horrible page? Well, Space chimps 2 ended up on there, and it suffers from the same issues, though that one was Direct to video. So I think Hoodwinked 2 would be very welcome there
So yea…this movie sucks