Hello, Spongey here. Welcome back to So Bad its horrible month.
Sorry for not doing too many of these this months. Never thought I’d get too busy to do some. So to make up for it, let’s look at one of the worst films on the so bad its horrible page!
This, is The Hottie and the nottie
If that title isn’t bad enough, just look at the movie.
We begin with some kids at school. A new girl is being introduced to the kids, named …fuck it, let’s call her Ho. That’s what she is, let’s be honest.
And right away, one kid falls in love with her. And so we cut to 20 years later, as he is now some douche who plays crappy songs on guitar
As if we needed more of those.
Thankfully, some chick hits him on the head with his guitar, and tells him his songs suck. Thank you! He is with, I assume, his current girlfriend, but sadly he has no luck with women, and she dumps his cuz…well he just sucks.
He runs after her, but she gets in her car…AND HITS HIM. WITH THE CAR. Geez lady, I think that’s pretty illegal!
So yeah, his life sucks. The only girl he could ever accept is ho. So why didn’t things work out with ho? Well, she had a ugly friend, and dating ho would mean putting up with a chick who is…UGLY~!
Because looks are the most important thing in life, right? …right?
So he asks his geeky best friend what happened to ho, as he hasn’t seen her in years. He shows him a yearbook, which gives them a look at how hot the chick got…and how ugly her friend got
“She’s like some dragon guarding the princess from escape! You like RAWWWWR!”
I hate him already.
So it turns out ho has stayed single all these years because no one wants to get past the ugly chick to get to her. I guess everyone in the world is that freaking shallow.
So the friend has an entire box full of stuff about her
“You should see my website”
BALJEET: pfft, what a nerd
So the next day he waits at the beach where she shows up. And we see she is played by Paris Hilton. Oh goody. At least this was when she was still a little hot.
But not the goddess everyone makes her out to be. Hell, take a look at what the “notties” actress looks like.
That’s a bit hotter than paris in this movie. Bah
So he runs alongside her, and knocks her over, putting him right on top of her. That’s not suggestive at all. They actually hit it off right away and go on a date. Well that easy. Movie over! …sigh…
So while they are talking, she drops a bomb
Gee, a ho like you, preggo? What a shock!
…Well that was pointless.
She invites him to the gym later on. So he heads there, and bumps into the nottie.
Yeah, she is kind of ugly. But come on, I’ve seen much worse! Does this movie just think anything that’s not…well paris, is ugly? The beast, he was ugly. Good on the inside, but ugly. This chick, is just any woman who got up on the wrong side of the bed.
Here’s how the scene played out in the script
“SHE’S UGLY. IT’S FUNNY CUZ SHE’S UGLY. LOOK, SHE HAS HAIR. THAT’S SO UGLY. OH MY GOD, ISN’T THIS FUNNY?!”
Seriously, that’s the joke. The only joke in the movie is in the title. Ho does hot stuff, ugly chick does ugly stuff. That’s all!
So after that, he asks her out on a real date, but paris tells her she won’t date anyone until the ugly chick has someone special in her life.
Well, if jill can get al pacino to love her, anything is possible.
So now we have our plot. An ugly chick that isn’t that ugly must get a man, so a douche guy can hook up with a hot ho isn’t that hot. Box office gold right there.
He vows to get ugly chick someone special, and yes, it will lead to wacky hijinks. So he goes on a friendly picnic with ho, and lies, and tells her he found a guy for her. He proposes a double date.
“I’d be a major step, if we could get her laid”
Really? That’s the first thing you think of? Sex isn’t the most important thing ever, ya know.
“I think a life without orgasms, is like a world without flowers”
…You are a ho. Also, paris Hilton can’t act for shit. …which is like saying the sun rises in the morning.
So he puts out an ad for a medical experiment, and once someone takes the ad, he jumps him and tells the guy he’ll give him a bunch of money if he’ll go out with a women.
“Does she have a vagina?”
…I don’t know if that was funny or stupid. I’ll go with stupid.
“Is this woman you in a dress?”
Okay I KNOW that one was a little funny…but only a little.
So he agrees to go on a date with the chick,. But before that, the 2 girls are waiting for the guys, and a douche comes over to hit on ho…then the ugly chick completely owns him. Seriously, she calls him out for being a poon obsessed douche.
Damn, I think I’m liking her a bit now…not in that way though.
The guys arrive, and when the other dude takes oen look at the ugly chick, he is grossed out. I must mention she now looks…okay. Get rid of the mole and she’s average. This movie is so fucking dumb.
This movie is getting hard to review. Pretty much nothing happens. It’s a one joke movie. “SHE’S UGLY”. That’s it. There’s nothing more to it outside of the title. It tells you all about how stupid and shallow it is.
But I guess I’ll try to do a little more…
So after some un-funny ness, we head to a scene on a ship. Maybe if we’re lucky it’ll be a 3 hour tour and they’ll get shipwrecked…with Alvin and the chipmunks. That’ll teach them!
This boat date scene is more of the same joke. Seriously, the guy gets grossed at the ugly chick. That’s it. Can I even review a movie where only one joke Is told?
So they both get into swimsuits, which is another “paris is hot, ugly chick is not” joke. My god…I’m not kidding. This is it. You have now seen this movie,.
Wait, let’s watch some more. Maybe a new joke comes into play!
“Good news, I just lost my toenail”
And said nail ends up on the dude’s mouth and he jumps ship..
Okay, let’s not get angry yet. Let the film play out a bit and we’ll see if it stops being predictable.
So in the next scene, he hands the girls a coupon for some spa, which he hopes will pretty up the ugly chick. Ugly chick than goes on a little rant about how guys are stupid and she’ll never get any. She…actually has a point.
Yay, a scene that doesn’t amount to one joke! Keep this up and I may let you off with a “go to hell”
So nate (the main guy’s name) and ho talk outside, and she admits that she has had a thing for nate. This makes nate admit to being a douche this whole time. He really does wanna help her now.
Character development? Nah, it was way too quick and he’s still a douchebag.
So they take the guy who jumped ship earlier, and use some bullshit hypnosis on him to make him view the ugly chick as hot. Yes, more SHE’S UGLY jokes. Yay.
And the bullshit hypnosis? It works. Yeah, this movie just gets dumber and dumber as it goes on. And now he’s fawning all over her, and leading to more of that same fucking joke.
Oh, and they are now at the pier. And the codeword set up to make other dude think of june (the ugly chick) as ugly? midget mime.
And what do they see at the pier. A midget mime.
Fuck this movie.
So the mime is performing, and takes june as a volunteer. He then…draws her as a donkey.
I…..wow. this movie is just…shallow, horrible, ugly, hate filled…and I can’t take it anymore.
You can argue that’s the point, to make us feel bad for june, and such. But guess what happens in the rest of the movie? She gets a makeover, making her hot. This makes nate like her and hook up with her.
So this whole problem is solved by making the ugly chick hot. So the moral is you ain’t shit if you’re not hot
I know I usually don’t quit halfway through a movie. Hell, I at least made it an hour into transformers 2. But not this. It’s just…that horrible. It’s ugly, hate filled, and more sexist than good luck chuck.
Let’s wrap this up
Yep, this is one of the worst movies ever made. The acting is awful, the plot is thin and predicable, it’s shallow, sexist, and of course It’s the same joke over and over again.
It’s one of the most painful experiences I’ve had watching a movie. At least bucky Larson gave me SOMETHING! This gives me nothing to work with!
A short one, but I don’t wanna lose too brain cells with this piece of shit. Fuck this movie and everyone involved with it should be ashamed