Hello, Spongey here. Welcome back to So Bad It’s Horrible Month!
They can be good. They can be better than the first. If you put enough time and energy into a sequel. It will come out very nice. But some movie’s don’t need one, and yet one is made.
Maybe that first sequel will be okay. Maybe it will be tolerale. But then part 3 comes alone, and it has nothing to do with the first 2, and it is incredibly dumb. And maybe, just maybe, you will make part 4. Maybe it will be a TV movie.
And maybe, it won’t be as bad as today’s shit.
This, is Home alone 4
The movie opens at Christmas time, where we meet the family, played by unknown actors you can just look up. Kevin, played by a different actor, is watching a video recording of last year’s Christmas with the family.
Hey, this one has Kevin in it! It’s already better than home alone 3, cuz it’s connected to Home Alone!
He is depressed because his dad is being written out of the script because this movie is lazy, but Mom tells him Christmas will still be fun like usual. Okay, the parents are actually getting divorced. Why?
I don’t know. You don’t know. We’ll find the lost city of atlantis before we find out why they got divorced. So Kevin’s siblings start picking on him, and Mom does nothing, because she’s still a horrible parent. The older brother wants to go to the movies, but cannot since he has to look after kevin while Mom is gone.
KEVIN: I can stay home alone! I’ve done it before!
MOM: Don’t remind me.
Way to remind Mom of that horrible experience, you prick.
The dad drops by for a visit to talk to Mm. He tells her he is already set to get remarried. So wait, you are just getting divorce…and you’ve already decided to go on to the next ho? Prick.
“We’ve only been separated 8 months”
Oh, okay, they’ve been divorced for like half a year. That doesn’t make things any better. Oh, and then we find out the new wife is rich. So he left his old wife, for some rich bitch. Everyone in this movie is a horrible person.
Anyway, he invites the kids to come over to rich bitch’s place, cuz they are expecting the visit of a royal family. Kevin passes on it, since as I said, Dad left his wife and 8 months later he’s with a rich bitch. If I was 8, I’d be pissed too. Wait, I’m pissed and I’m 16! So yeah. Dad sucks. End of story.
So Kevin’s older brother returns to torment him. You think after the first two movies, he’d learn to not fuck with Kevin. You think he’d learn to be a nicer person. You think he wouldn’t be a dick. Well, clearly the writers didn’t think ,as they had no brains. It’s a common illness. Many people suffer from it. Just ask Adam Sandler, or Seltzerberg.
Mom comes home a bit later, and Kevin says how horrible Buzz is, but she shrugs it off like it’s nothing. Geez, your oldest son is being a huge prick? Eh, he’ll tire himself out eventually.
So now we cut to our old friend Marv, now played by Inspector lame-o himself, French stewart. Also, they were spying on a rich couple, (who turns out to be Kevin’s dad and Miss hot rich ho) who start to make out…then the curtains close, and Marv says “just when it was getting good”.
You know-for kids!
So we are now with Marv and his new partner, named Vera. His robbing days are over, so he just plans to kidnap the prince of that royal family. The excuse for Harry not being here is that Marv saw that Harry’s plans just keep landing him in jail, but the real explanation is lazy writing.
So Kevin shows up in a cab…because kids can do that, and decides he wants to live with Dad since his current life sucks. And yes, Dad just accepts this and doesn’t, you know, call Mom and tell her Kevin randomly showed up.
Everyone in this movie is a horrible person. Then Rich ho tells Kevin something interesting
“This is a smart house kevin, it does whatever you want it to”
God, I wish.
And just after I call him out, Dad calls Mom and tells her
Kevin is there. She’s relived to know he’s okay, and so now kevin is with Dad for a while. After a WACKY MONTAGE of Kevin’s new life, Dad and ho wife are heading out for a press thing, so they leave kevin home alone.
Because it’s not like leaving Kevin home alone has caused harm before!
Oh wait, nevermind. He has the butler and maid to look after him. Whoops. Damn, I really wanted to hate on Dad again. So anyway, Kevin heads into the house and founds out what a dumb waiter is.
“why is it called dumb?”
BUTLER: Because it doesn’t speak or ask countless idiotic questions!
Let me guess, he’s gonna be a villain? I bet 5 bucks on it!
While Prescott makes Kevin a milkshake, he goes into the security room and gets caught by Prescott, who gives Kevin another chance. Also he is still as subtle a villain…as pretty much most Disney villains.
But enough of that, it’s time for a wacky montage where Kevin acts like a dick around the house! Like most montages, it’s to a semi-popular song…and after the montage, it turns out the music was coming from the actual house, and Kevin was playing it.
Eh, that’s a little funny. Only cuz I like those kinds of jokes.
So the maid heads off, leaving kevin with the butler. Marv sees this as the perfect chance to check out the house so when it comes time to kidnap the prince, they’ll know how to do it. Of course they don’t know there’s a kid and butler in there, even though they saw someone come in, with a cab. Idiots.
Kevin spots Marv through a telescope, and calls the butler for help. Marv uses some weird thing to turn off the alarm.
HOT PARTNER WIFE CHICK: That’s a handy gadget.
I don’t want to hear French Stewart associated with “gadget” ever again.
Also, Butler never comes…you figure that out. So it’s trap time! Well, it’s not really much of a trap this time. He uses the house huge shower thing-y to FLOOD the entire house, in hopes of pretty much drowning them. Surely, there must be a better way than RUINING THE DAMN HOUSE!
So the criminals flee, and Kevin doesn’t…you know, call the police like a normal person. Dad and ho show up and see the mess kevin made. Kevin tells them the story.
“I did it to protect the house”
“By trashing it?”
THANK YOU! Finally, someone has common sense! So the butler finally shows up and says he saw nothing, even though he should of seen Marv coming in through the cameras. Told you he was a villain!
Give me my 5 bucks.
Dad doesn’t believe Kevin about the robber…cuz it’s not like kevin’s dealt with robbers before. Everyone in this movie is either an idiot or an asshole. Anyway, Kevin decides there is no convincing them and just says he did it, apologizes, and everything is fine.
Because, flooding the entire house is no big deal! Kevin then attempts to use the security camera footage to prove himself, but discovers that the camera had been turned off. DUN DUN-oh you saw it coming a mile away. And yes, a scene with Marv confirms the butler works for him.
Also, the house dried up really quick. IDK.. So Dad decides to make Kevin happy by doing some of the Christmas stuff he’s used to doing, like trimming the tree. So after another montage with music that turns to be from the house…it’s not funny the 2nd time, rich ho gets a phone call and heads out.
“She leads a very exciting life”
So the morning, is Christmas eve. They see that the chick has messed up with the cute tree they made for reasons I forgot. To compensate, dad lets Kevin open one present: Spy bug and listening device.
I’m sure that won’t be important later on…
So Kevin’s family shows up for a surprise visit. Some cheesy crap ensues, including some not so subtle bonding with Mom and dad. You know what will happen with him, don’t lie.
So later, they get all decked out for the royal family. Thing’s seem fine, but in the midst of all this, the butler opens a door, and in walks Marv and his wife, in disguise. Dun dun-whatever.
But before anything cool can happen, Kevin just locks butler in the freezer. That was quick.
During a bit with Dad and ho, we learn the royal family is snowed in at the airport and won’t show up until the next day. Kevin then spies on Marv and Vera into his bedroom and hears them planning about kidnapping the royals. Unfortunately for them, Kevin makes sure that their plan was a failure and has them fall out and break the window. Yeah, I’m sure that won’t give them many broken bones.
Marv and Vera run back into the house and Kevin hits Marv with a frying pan, flips the table and get soup spilled on Marv and Vera. Okay, there’s setting up traps, then there’s…whatever the hell this is. ..whatever. Let’s move on.
He also pushes them onto a hot stove. Wow this kid is freaking brutal.. They then chase Kevin, causing him to accidentally ruin the party. And of course no one hears the robber SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER.
Dad refuses to believeKkevin about the robbers, and think he’s just out to destroy Dad and ho’s relationship. Again, screaming bloody murder. No one heard that?!
Kevin calls his Mom in a bulltshit “heartwarming scene” that is bullshit. After that, rich ho comes in and talks to kevin, and a few odd things are said/
“if you want your father in your life, you better not cross me, okay?”’
…I have no idea if she is meant to sound like an evil bitch or not. Knowing this movie it could be either!
In the next scene, Kvin sets up more traps..and we learn the spy thing has a recording of the robbers admitting they’re crime…
…WHY DIDN’T HE USE THAT AS PROOF?!
The next morning Peter and Natalie go get the royals and Kevin is left back at the house. Yes, they still think leaving kevin home alone is not a horrible idea. Ugh.
Kevin tells butler to go the basement, saying it was ho’s request. Of course butler, the mastermind behind this and kevin’s enemy, falls for it. Idiot. So yea, butler is trapped in the basement now,.
Kevin tells the maid about this but..
“He’s not their accomplice…I am”
WHAT A TWEEST
…so this means butler is not an idiot. Whoops.
Then marv enters and..
WHATA TW-oh fuck it, no one cares.
Kevin gets locked in the basement with the butler. He has a phone, and kevin calls his brother, who does the asshole thing and hangs up. Seriously, everyone in this movie is an idiot, or an asshole!
After a bullshit moment with kevin and the butler, they use the dumbwaiter to escape. He runs into the robbers but activates a trap, which has them being hit hard with a big pot…pan…whatever. Kevin laughs at their pain. Dang…
Back with dad and ho, dad ditches ho cuz he feels something bad is going on at the house, and tells ho to get the royals by herself. And by pure coincidence the real mom also senses something is wrong and heads to kevin as well. It’s like this film was lazily written!
Back at the house, kevin makes a giant ass cabinet fall on marv. Man, I almost feel sorry for the bad guys. At least they’re MEANT to be idiots! Kevin uses a tape he recorded of marv to make vera think marv is dissing her and she gets pissed and runs off. I almost want to see marv’s story. It could be quite tragic…and a lot better than THIS story!
And to top it all off, kevin starts up a model airplane, and flies it right into marv’s balls. Yay, a pointless nut shot! I was waiting for that gag! .
So it turns out the house has one of those revoling …shelf…bar things, and marv and vera step onto it. Kevin makes it go REALLY freaking fast, and just laughs like an evil dude. Jesus, this kid is evil! You’re supposed to be Culkin in home alone, not culkin in the good son!
He stops it, which somehow sends them flying into the chandlier, and then they fall onto the hard floor, and of course have no broken bones. Kevin seems happy, until the maid shows up and is about to smack him with a pan…until butler comes up from behind and knocks her out.
Okay, that was cool.
The parents show up and they see the bad guys, and call the police. Ho shows up with the royal family and sees the scene,. Butler also quits since ho sucks…as a boss. What just cuz I call her ho doesn’t mean she’s literally a whore.
Dad says this
“Natalie, I think I mistook excitement for love. I’m in love with my wife and kids, and I belong with them’”
In other words..
“Fuck off bitch!”
I don’t quite see why she’s dumping her anyway, yeah she’s a bitch, but by this films logic she’s only a tiny bit of one., she never acted too bitchy in universe, and since she liked dad despite being middle class, she must really like her. Dad’s just being a dick to her.
Then again this is the guy who dumped his wife for a ho in the first place.
Mom automatically accepts his apology, and I won’t go into how unrealistic this is. Kevin invites the royal family to stay with them rather than ho, and the family accepts, not even thinking of her feelings…and she cries.
And again, only a bit of a bitch in universe. They don’t even care they’re leaving her alone on christmas.
The family embraces, most likely scaring a semi innocent woman for life.
The first home alone is a classic, the 2nd was alright, the third was just dumb, and this…yeah it’s easily the worst of all.
The characters are bland, dumb, and horrible freaking people. All the funny moments are stupid, and are the charming moments are really creepy when you think about. It’s shockingly mean spirited, to be honest.
And ho is SUCH a designated villain. We’re supposed to hate her just because she’s rich, is dating the dad after he divorced the mom, and doesn’t want her Christmas ruined. But as I mentioned , she’s an okay person. So what the hell? You leave her CRYING?! Fuck you!
This movie is just plain awful. Bad acting, bad characters, and bad script. Stay far away with this piece of crap.
At least we’ll never see any of this franchise ever agai-
….i hate humanity.