Hello, Spongey here.
And…welcome to So Bad it’s Horrible Month.
Let me tell you about a site known as Tv Tropes. It’s a wiki for tropes.
Look it up.
Anyway, Tv tropes has many pages for other things. Like Crowning moment of funny, for moments in works that are funny. And the same goes for awesome moments, and heartwarming ones.
However, in the hidden, evil Depths of tv tropes, there is…the so bad it’s horrible page.
This is a page so works that are so bad, they are horrible. They are REALLY picky about what gets on this page. So if something is on it, it’s BAD.
I’ve actually reviewed things on this page already, like Cat in the hat.
But all this month, I will review stuff on the so bad its horrible page. And we’ll watch me get tortured!
Anyway, let’s begin.
Our first one is something I’ve wanted to review for a long time. It’s a cartoon, and this comes straight from the western animation section.
It aired on Nicktoons Network, which can make good shows (Kappa mikey) but then it airs stuff like…this. NN is cool and all, though the main reason I liked it got taken by teenick and that 90’s are all that thing.
So let’s look at American football! Not that british shit.
This, is NFL Rush Zone: Guardians of the core.
Okay, so here’s how this thing works. It aired as a few 5 minutes short on the network, which of course had a storyline. After awhile, they combined all the shorts, and put the end of said storyline in to make a movie.
It’s only 40 minutes long. This one is on their website for free. Let’s do this bitch
We open at a school playground where we meet…ish. Yes, that’s his name.
And he looks like a young Micheal Jackson for some reason
So he gets picked last for a football team, and…then we cut to his house, after like less than a minute. Oh no, not this shit again…
“The chargers are gonna be in the superbowl! First time since ‘94”
ISH AND MOM: and we don’t talk about that game!
Ssomething tells me this wasn’t made for non-football fans like me.
So he’s playing this football game when…some dude comes up on his screen.
“You’re pretty good Ishmael”
Make your own joke, guys.
“What are you doing in my playtendo?”
This guy’s name is OT, and he says Ish will learn all he needs to know at this upcoming football game.
“But we don’t have tickets!”
That’s your first question? It should be WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON MY TV?!
Then the phone rings, and surprise, they won tickets to the game. Mom doesn’t question this at all.
So how far are we into this?
…one?! Damn , no wonder it’s called Rush zone!
So that Sunday, at the game, Ish sees DT on the big screen..and no one questions this for some reason. Sure, why not.
So he asks to go to the bathroom, and suddenly random clips start flashing..like this
Yea, random live action football clips for no reason. This “movie” is weird.
So he goes up to the hot dog vender, and Ish asks about some creepy man over there
“That’s not a man. That’s a blitzbot”
Yeah, you read that right.
Then the vender takes off his clothes to reveal…this
Yeah, this is going by way too fast. We are now 3 minutes in and all this crap is happening for no reason!
So he tells ish to go onto the field to attack the blitzbot, and yes, no one finds the giant robot odd.
What is this thing? Why was it made? WHY?!
So the weird short dude zaps Iish which makes him have live action football daydreams again. Ish then just throws a foam finger into the wheel of the robot, which distracts it enough for MJ to tackle him.
That was easy.
Bolt (the name of the short guy) tells ish to go home to his mom. And everyone saw a young MJ and a midget fight a giant robot…but they don’t question it.
DOES ANYONE IN THIS THING HAVE A BRAIN?!
We cut to the next day at school, where MJ gets a note on his locker to meet Bolt in the parking lot,. He does so and bolt flies him off to some place.
Geez, this thing is moving way too fast! All this shit happens in the span of 5 seconds, and it’s just stupid! We’re only 5 minutes in people!
So he flies off to the field I guess, and DT is there to give us exposition.
“There once was a planet that held the energy of the universe. An evil overlord named Sudden Eeath attacked the guardians of its core for his own evil purposes. But before he could, the planet’s people drilled to the center and freed the core, destroying their home in the process. The core and the rushers were cast off into space, and it crashed on earth where the 32 shards of the core spread to 32 football fields where they made 32 teams to defend them. If sudden death finds them, he will rebuild the core, and turn everyone into blitzbots We need to stop him. Will you help us?”
THAT’S THE STUPID FUCKING THING I’VE EVER HEARD.
I can’t say in words how stupid that is. So are they implying football exists just to guard this thing an evil guy wants? And these weird mascot looking things have to defend it?
My head hurts. So he tells Ish about that weird stuff he saw, and I guess that’s the core thing showing the way.
I don’t know, whatever plot this thing has is rushed and stupid. So the fields open up to reveal the coach of the chargers, and they all go underground.
That sounds completely logical and smart!
“I thought OT was crazy when he said the guardian was a ten year old boy”
So football players from another planet is fine, but a ten year old boy fighting with them Is far fetched?
The coach explains that Ish must control some robot football player.
“The players and coaches will know the sub is you, but no one else can know”
They already saw him FIGHT A GIANT ROBOT. It’s a little late for secrecy. They send ish home.
“Try to get some rest, this will all make sense soon”
Somehow I doubt it
That night, he is getting something when he runs into…these.
Yes, these are the game balls. The one with helmet is Spanish, the orange one is british, and the strong one is a surfer dude.
I love racism in the morning.
So they never explain who these things are, they just take him to a New Orleans game through some portal where he meets another game ball, who of course is the black guy.
Again, gotta love racism. So they put ish in a controller thing and he starts playing some MJ FOOTBALL.
..Hholy shit, that’s a good name for this movie!
Hey, where’s my title card?
There we go!’
So anyway… Ish fails and Sudden death gets the shard on the field. Our Hero, ladies and gentlemen.
Ish lies to his mom and says he made the school football team, and she of course believes him and does no further research.
We cut to the next game Ish is playing, and a bunch of blitzbots invade and finally the crowd goes ape shit.
But of course this scene quickly ends and they cut to the next scene. I’d normally be mad, but this is only a 40 minute thing, so I’ll go easy on it.
So Ish now hides a secret life from his mom, as a football player protecting shards of a core for a bunch of alien footballs.
How much acid did I take?
At the next game, Ish tries hard, but one of the game balls, who is a horse head for some reason, gets turned evil by a blitzbot, and steals one of the shards.
Man, MJ sucks.
So Ish falls out of his locker, which is how he gets to the thing, and his mom is there…for some reason, and she grounds him…for some reason.
Yeah, they just cut to Ish in bed, and the game balls wake him up and he says he is grounded. Why?!
EXPLAIN MOVIE! EXPLAIN!
Tthey never explain why mom is pissed, but Ish uses a telescope to watch a game on some neighbors TV, and these free footballs they give out there, turn out to be blitzbots.
Just roll with it.
“Oh cool, look at the flying footballs!”
IS EVERYONE IN THIS THING AN IDIOT?!
Ish is told by OT that a shard was stolen and-
“Nicktoons will be right back!”
What? Oh, this website’s player has ads.
Thank good, I don’t think I could through sit more of that at once. Imma go get a soda
*one commercial later*
Okay, we’re back.
The next day Ish was told about this blitzbot disguised as a football player, and MJ tells his mom a lie about some practice in order to go do his thing.
So ish kicks some ass at the next game, and actually keeps the shard this time. Of course this scene only lasts a minute and we cut to the next day.
His mom asks whats going on, and he tells her, straight forward. And he just says Sudden death wants the core, and does not explain who that is, so Mom thinks it’s a bully and that’s why he was in the locker.
This movie takes place in idiotland,.
So the game balls show up and take him to the field, where suddenly there’s a bunch of bltizbots and there’s big one minute fight scene, and MJ’S player thing breaks and-
Stop! God, this goes WAY too fast! We are now 20 minutes in, halfway through, and I still have no idea what hell is going on!
The next day, MJ is bugged by some bullies, who see the game balls in his locker, so they go into the locker and go to the place.
So they see racist talking balls and they’re just like
What a load.
They end up in a locker room and some dude mistakes one of the bullies for Ish. Of course they are only there for a few minutes before they accidentally summon a huge stadium bot and ends up getting one of the mascot things turned evil.
Ish fails to get the powerful shards and leaves his locker open so the bullies can fuck everything up.
Ish ends up there and he is told by OT that the bullies woke up the “stadium bot” which has been “Dead” for years.
He saves the bullies and ends up back home and we cut to later and the bullies are never brought up again. Of course.
So while in the car with his Mom OT shows up on the radio and says some shit about a radio contest and ish calls in and tells him he needs to be at some thingy, and his Mom allows him to go to it, on a plane no less, on his own without his parents.
Don’t you just love idiot land?
And his chaperone dude is some player named Marcus allen.
“Hope you had a nice thanksgiving mam”
..This is a thanksgiving special?
Well, screw the Charlie brown thanksgiving special, I’m watching MJFOOTBALL every year!
So he goes to some hall of fame thing, where OT tells him this is where they keep football’s most sacred items. We also find out blitzbots have been hiding out for 100 years waiting to get that shards.
How did a bunch of robots hide out without getting noticed? It’s not like they are transformers or anything, they only have their normal bodies!
So he tells ish he must harness the rush zone which involves more live action football shit.
“Go deeper ish”
What is this, inception?
Of course we get the obligatory training montage, which sadly has no 80’s rock music. Go look some up yourself, and then this will all be complete.
Then there’s a random earthquake, and MJ falls underground where he finds the guardians playbook and…we cut to ish and his mom.
Wait, why did that happen? What’s the playbook?!
“I just spoke to your dad from the army base”
…He has a dad…in the army?
WHY DIDN’T YOU EXPLAIN THAT?!
So yeah the whole thing with Ish and the Mom and that radio thing…it’s really complicated and not explained at all. I’m a duck. It makes as much sense as this!
After a pointless scene at school, Ish heads to his locker and this guy gives him this new sub…player thing which is the best one they have.
And then, for no reason at all, we get a flashback with Ish as a kid. It seems that he ran into a blitzbot in the hood and his Dad saw that and said “if you ever see him again, you will find me”
Yeah, try to make sense of all that.
So the next day at school, ish runs into a girl.
“My name’s Ashley, but you can call me ash”
Later at home, ash shows up cuz she knows where he lives from some reason, and they go outside. And…then we just cut to the next day.
STOP CUTTING EVERY BAAAAAAAAH
The next day we see ash at her locker…then she gets a message on a communicator thing and we find out she is working for Sudden death.
WHAT A TWEEST!
Later on, Ish is doing his thing at a game, when he sees ash on the field as the bots are attacking, so he heads out to save her. And when he finds her, she tells a nearby bot to take him to sudden death, and Ish is reported to space on SD’s ship.
Yeah all that happens within in like 8 minutes.
Back at home, Mom wonders where ish is, and a bus shows up in front of the house and out comes…
I quit. The rest of this thing (only 15 minutes left) is just…nonsense.
To make a long story short, Ish is rescued, he tells his Mom what’s going on, his stops sudden death, Ash turns good, and they all live stupidly ever after.
You may think I am stopping cuz it’s so awful.. Well no…I sat through the whole thing…TWICE! Yes, I saw it long before this review.
To really grasp how weird this is, you need to see it.
Yes, I am recommending this to you. Let me explain…
The characters are bland, the story is beyond muddled, there are plot holes everywhere, and the flash animation Is lazy and..
It is glorious.
I bitch and moan about it, but this is amazing. It’s like troll 2 in cartoon form. So horrible it’s hilariously amazing. It’s a joy to watch and make fun of how bad it is.
This is the rare so bad it’s horrible entry that is ALSO on the so bad it’s good page. And it deserves to be.
This “movie” sucks, but it’s fun as fuck. Go see it.
Grade: D but in my heart it’s an A…yes
So that was easy. A few more of these and I’ll survive the month!
What’s our next horrible movie?